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Chapter 24

Breaking point

The storm off the coast of the island had dissipated and the crew had decided to go back to the Sunny immediately afterwards. From the crow's nest window, Zoro was watching the cook, his jaw clenched. Below on the deck, the blond walked away quickly after he gave his snacks to his crewmates, looking down.

While the swordsman had always seen him make sure that everyone, including the fencer, appreciated his preparations at their fair value, the cook barely glanced at his friends now and he only stayed in their presence long enough to give them their share. Regarding Zoro, he had completely stopped wanting to confront him in front of his indifference and he left his plate on the galley table. Even the girls barely got a forced smile as he walked past them and it had been a long time since Sanji swirled around them at every opportunity. The fencer would never have thought that one day, he would regret not witnessing this idiotic attitude. Likewise, seeing him hugging the walls instead of beaming at the thought of serving a meal was the ultimate sign that Sanji had given up trying to keep up appearances any longer.

This position more than all the distress that this behavior implied had ended up infuriating the swordsman and for days now, his anger hadn't subsided. Since when did Sanji give up fighting? Since when had he decided to be such a coward that he didn't even bother to preserve his pride? Did he think he was going to find the All Blue if he stopped looking for it and if he didn't even deign to cook anymore? Did he still see any interest in it? Had he decided his goal just wasn't worth it? Had he given up on his dream when it was the very reason for his presence among the Straw Hat crew and also why Luffy had chosen him? Had that stupid cook completely forgotten who he was?!

As the blond fled again to his galley, Zoro turned away from the window, his fists shaking with rage. He had understood what Sanji was doing the day he had dragged him out of sight after his panic attack. At that moment, the swordsman had realized that his distress took its roots far too deeply within the blond, to such an extent that Sanji distorted reality: he was obsessed with his job as a cook in such a way that he saw nothing else. The fencer could have been happy about it if his crewmate didn't seize it as a new way of making himself suffer.

Instead of using his frustration to find a solution to his problem, why was Sanji breaking down? His family had denigrated him and his cooking during his childhood, so what? Zeff had offered him the opportunity to start all over again by his side and then Luffy had appeared to allow him to achieve what he had always dreamed of. Did the blond think finding a legendary ocean was as easy as setting sail? That there would be no obstacles to face? What was the point of finding a family on the Sunny if he turned away from them during hard times?!

Zoro was sick and tired of this incomprehensible need the cook had to hurt himself. As if everything he had been through before had been for nothing. As if Sanji was making the same mistakes over and over again. As if the swordsman was wrong about him.

The fencer suddenly grabbed his dumbbell and threw it to the other end of the crow's nest, furious. Chopper was right. He couldn't do anything for someone who deliberately chose to back down in the face of difficulty.

The only times when Sanji seemed to be still a little himself were when he put on his stupid costume. During these few minutes of fight, the swordsman was seeing the blond's ardor and passion and these moments were the most painful because then, Zoro began to imagine the cook he had always known by his side. He remembered his powerful and precise kicks which inevitably surprised his opponents until they were left unconscious on the ground. His impeccable look that hid a terrifying strength and that the fencer had loved to test himself at every opportunity. His nonchalant confidence that made his enemies too sure of themselves and that the blond was happy to put in their place. His smirk that he was flashing cheekily.

All these details that the swordsman had learned to appreciate but which faded behind the mask the cook wore more and more often now.

As soon as Sanji left his outfit indeed, Zoro found himself confronted with another version of his crewmate. He didn't recognize this man who seemed to want to disappear as soon as anyone laid eyes on him. A man who kept his eyes down most of the time and barely opened his mouth. A man whose dark circles devoured his face a little more each day and who was clearly losing weight.

The person he now observed on the ship and the person who had accompanied him through all those battles to defend the honor of the Straw Hat crew might as well have been completely separate entities. Their faces were alike, yet their personalities couldn't have been more opposite. The spark of life that permanently lived inside the blond had gone out and his whole body seemed to waste away.

The torrent of emotions Sanji usually exhibited all the time had dried up and his silence was more telling than any monumental anger the crew had witnessed. He had become an empty shell and the swordsman searched for proof that the one he had known was still here, but he saw nothing.

These two characters could just have been strangers living thousands of miles apart that it wouldn't have made any difference. They had nothing in common and the fencer hated to make this observation. He had lost his rival, his partner, his lover and above all, his crewmate because of it. Zoro hated this new Sanji.

Night had fallen for several hours now and Zoro had finally returned to the Sunny, leaving the other members of his crew to enjoy the impromptu party that Luffy had thrown with the Heart Pirates on the beach.

The straw-hat boy had bumped into the other pirate crew when they had returned to their submarine and it hadn't taken him long to decide that a banquet was in order. The swordsman would have thought that Law would have opposed it and he had learned during the evening that he had been right about it but the doctor had relented when his men had begged him to accept. Nami had also rejoiced at the turn of events because she had seen it as an excellent opportunity to glean information in order to continue her negotiations with the surgeon of death. Not to mention the fact that she fervently hoped that this would allow Luffy to stay calm since he would be totally obsessed with Law.

For his part, Zoro was not so convinced. It was true that his captain had spent most of his time right next to the former Warlord but the swordsman knew that the second an adventure would appear, Luffy would be the first to rush. And more likely, he would bring Law and his entire crew into this with them.

This was reflected in the improvised visit of the Hearts submarine they had made when a downpour had fallen on the beach. At that moment, everyone had gotten up in a hurry and Luffy had naturally ran towards the nearest building while laughing. Law had seen red and violently kicked the invader out with a room but he had reacted too late and during this time, the straw-hat boy had already told Franky and Usopp about the incredible number of buttons and gadgets he had seen inside. Immediately, the excitement had spread among them and Jinbei had asked about the propulsion of the submarine to counter the currents of the Grand Line while Nami had begun to talk about navigation with the polar bear.

Within seconds, it was the Heart crew themselves who had invited them and Zoro had followed his fellow crew members inside indifferently. For his part, he didn't care about this submarine, he had already had the opportunity to discover it when the surgeon had taken them to Wano and he had seen nothing extraordinary. He couldn't train in this narrow space filled with steel and the crossing had been more difficult than anything else.

He had seemed the only one not to like the place though and Robin had been delighted to show the impressive library of the Heart Pirates to Chopper. The reindeer had been amazed at the number of medical books and Law had ended up lending him some while Franky, Usopp, Brook and Luffy were ecstatic in front of the thousands of commands of the control room.

Sanji hadn't really shared the general enthusiasm either actually, and he had barely taken any interest in the sophisticated methods of preserving food in the submarine. He had simply observed the place with curiosity but without particular enthusiasm and he had remained silent for the most part alongside the swordsman while the rest of their crewmates happily discussed one subject or another.

About twenty minutes later, everyone was on the beach again and above them, the sky had cleared so the orgy had begun. The Heart Pirates had been surprised to find the shopkeepers in town so generous, and during the meal they had realized that the Straw Hat Pirates had put an end to the racketeering organized by the local mafia. The inhabitants must have confused them with the Straw Hat crew because, by way of thanks, they had left with incredible quantities of food.

Outraged, Luffy had demanded that they serve everything they had brought back and that's how dozens of mezzes had followed one another: mashed chickpeas, tabbouleh with herbs, salads with peppers and spices, eggplant caviars, meat-filled breads, broad bean and lentil purées with poultry skewers topped with fresh cheese sauce. Brook had of course not failed to grab his violin in order to respect the will of his captain as to the success of a party worthy of the name and quickly, light conversations and good mood had taken over the beach.

The captain of the Heart Pirates had done his best to stay away from the too loud laughter of the straw-hat boy and the swordsman had saved him when he had asked him to examine his nodachi. Although reluctant at first, the surgeon had finally preferred his company to that of the other captain and he had shown Zoro his long sword. The fencer was curious about this weapon he had had little opportunity to meet during his travels and even less to handle. Her weight and size made her difficult to use, but combined with his devil fruit, Law had already proven that it was entirely possible to make her a formidable weapon, in particular thanks to her cutting capacity superior to that of a simple katana.

The swordsman had weighed her in his hands before observing the blade. Although shiny and impressively sharp, he had quickly returned her to her owner. Indeed, his grip wasn't as sure as the grip he had on his own swords and her weight was destabilizing the balance of his posture with his other blades. While the party had continued to be in full swing, Zoro had then decided to go back to the Sunny and he had followed the coast before seeing her sails.

He had seen the cook with his overflowing tray of teas and coffees as he had left and Zoro had ignored his pale face just like Sanji had pretended not to see him when they had walked past each other. The swordsman had gotten his dumbbells from the crow's nest and then he had come down to train in the open night air and no one had come to disturb him.

That's why the fencer was genuinely surprised when he felt the blond's presence walking towards him almost an hour later. Sanji could have gone to get an ingredient in the galley but he quickly deviated and Zoro didn't need to use his Observation Haki to know that the cook's goal was to find him.

There was a noise coming from the blond's tray as Sanji walked in his direction and the swordsman gritted his teeth, continuing his exercise with his eyes fixed straight on the slightly choppy black sea. He had never believed in miracles and even if the cook suddenly wanted to come explain himself, Zoro didn't want to hear him. His resentment was too strong and his fury had been boiling for too long. If Sanji came closer, Zoro wouldn't hold back.

Sanji tried not to slow his pace as he came into view of the fencer on the deck. He had thought a lot during these last hours and especially when he had seen Zoro discussing with Law. The swordsman liked a good opponent and Stealth Black could totally satisfy him in this area. On the contrary, Zoro had never seemed to really care about his cooking and even when he sat down to eat, it was only about giving his body enough fuel and not enjoying the flavors.

Sanji had then decided to take the plunge. Tonight, he was going to drop the mask behind which he was still trying to hide and finally put on that of his double. He wasn't happy about it but he knew he was going to go insane if he continued to waver between these two beings who were vying for his attention. He couldn't cook anymore and this reality was slowly but surely killing the one he had given the most importance so far. The cook who had always existed deep inside him.

Unfortunately, he couldn't continue to entertain the hope of a hypothetical cure because if his salvation were never to come, he would remain eternally caught in the crossfire. He needed to make a choice to stop suffering from the crushing weight of waiting and logic dictated that he relied on the ability he still had: his physical strength. Stealth Black.

Sanji had seized the opportunity to bring his drink to his crewmate to explain his decision. Zoro more than anyone could understand his position and he would no doubt welcome the idea of a fierce fighter to defend the crew. Secretly, the blond also hoped that the swordsman's approval would allow him to strengthen his will.

Because deep in his head and heart, the cook in him was struggling. He didn't want to die out in favor of a being who had terrified him since birth and who didn't represent any of the principles for which Sanji had fought all his life. He didn't want to become a cold, bloodthirsty killer like his brothers whose expressionless faces reflected their inner world: the Vinsmokes were empty and unable to feel any emotion. Feared but not respected. Strong but alone. Completely dehumanized.

Sanji was a Vinsmoke but he had always struggled to keep that part of himself at bay and to surrender today meant the destruction of everything he had wanted to become and had failed to achieve. But did he still have the luxury of refusing? Since day one, he had been asked to fit into a costume he had been unable to wear and twenty-one years later, he was finally going to carry out what he was born to do.

Yet if he agreed to forget about cooking, he had also decided that it wouldn't be in vain. It wouldn't be for the purpose of getting rid of the weak and taking over the world. He wouldn't let Stealth Black take over completely, and he would focus only on what mattered most: protecting his friends no matter what.

"I, uh, I brought you some tea. And I wanted to take the opportunity to talk or rather, to tell you something."

The blond took a deep breath, refusing to meet the gaze of the fencer who had frozen when he had arrived.

"I know I didn't live up to the situation lately and I'm not making excuses," he began in a voice he hoped was confident enough. "I just wanted to tell you that I made a choice and I'm gonna ch-change. I'm gonna forget about c-cooking and-"

"I don't wanna talk to you."

Zoro turned his back on him, his dumbbell still in his hand, and Sanji felt like slapping himself. He couldn't even speak out loud without shaking, how did he expect Zoro to give him any consideration? The swordsman must have perceived his doubts and weakness from miles away!

Despite his obvious reaction, the swordsman's attitude also hurt him deeply. Sanji knew that he had deserved his crewmate's disdain, but didn't Zoro hear his distress at the idea of giving up cooking for good? Didn't he have the slightest trace of compassion for him or had the blond already exhausted his quota for too long? Hadn't he loved, at least a little, this Sanji whom he was about to bury? The one he had found during the night and whom he had kissed in the dark. The one to whom he had whispered the craziest suggestions. This future together that Zoro had sketched out, did it mean nothing in the end?

"If you wanna talk to me, I want you to put on your stupid costume and sunglasses. You, I don't wanna see you," the fencer resumed in a low voice.

This time, Sanji felt like he had been slapped and he stared at the back of the swordsman, petrified.

"St-Stealth Black? You wanna talk to Stealth Black but… not-not to me?"

"Stealth Black, O Soba Mask, I don't care." The blond didn't answer, completely in shock, and Zoro slowly lowered his dumbbell until he put it on the ground. "Anyone but you."

Suddenly, Sanji stepped back and his tray slipped out of his hands without him trying to hold it back. The glass and the teapot crashed on the deck in a thousand shards but neither he nor the swordsman moved and only the sound of the waves and the wind was heard for a minute.

"Why are you surprised, cook?"

Zoro finally turned around and his gaze was hard. Facing him, the blond couldn't articulate a single sound and his terrified face ignited the swordsman's anger. He took a step closer and the glass crunched under his boots. Without even thinking, the cook took another step back and the fencer glared at him from his full height. Even if their difference in size had always been slight, he wanted his crewmate to feel like a prey in front of the hunter that he was. Sanji had toyed with him long enough.

"You need your costume to look me in the eye? You're shaking like a leaf," he pointed out cruelly.

Suddenly, the swordsman kicked him in the legs but Sanji didn't move and he just took the pain without a sound. A few steps from him, Zoro's face tensed a little more. Another blow violently hit the cook in his stomach this time and he doubled over, gasping for air. He simply straightened up slowly though, and the swordsman took Enma out of her scabbard to lay the tip against his neck, furious at his lack of reaction.

In a split second, a pearl of blood rolled on the white skin of the cook who was still looking at him as if he couldn't recognize him.

"Is that how it is now? Are you just gonna let it happen? You ain't gonna react?"

Zoro's voice rumbled because of his anger but he put away his blade sharply. His eyes filled with disappointment more than anything else crushed the blond's heart a little more and Sanji couldn't take his eyes off him until the swordsman stared at him again. He then perceived the deep disgust Zoro was feeling for him and his breath caught in his throat.

Sanji stared at his crewmate, his eyes wide with fear, and Zoro looked deeper into his eyes. Amidst the darkness of the night, his one good eye was glaring at him.

"I knew a guy on this ship who was anything but weak! Someone who never let anyone step on him. Who has never looked down in front of anyone. Who carried his principles proudly and who would have fought to death to assert them! A guy ready to do anything to save people who hate him, yes, but not a guy who prefers to hide behind another. Not a guy who forgets his dream and who he is!"

Zoro then pointed his finger at the blond's chest until the man took a step back against the railing, furious.

"Where did that guy go?! You're only his shadow and I want you to give him back to me!"

In front of his outburst, the cook's breathing raced abruptly and Zoro saw the incomprehension, confusion and then fear deep in his crewmate's gaze before Sanji's eyes suddenly filled with tears. The blond faltered and the swordsman watched him collapse in front of the railing like a rag doll.

"Zo-Zoro, I-I don't know who-who I am any-anymore…"

The swordsman looked away at the sound of his crewmate's broken voice, his anger wearing off despite himself. He took a deep breath before looking back at the figure at his feet shaking with sobs. He resented Sanji for not continuing to be the one he had loved but wasn't he selfish by behaving like this? The cook had always been his equal, a man full of strength and determination, but he remained no less human and if Zoro had been deceived by the image the blond had shown him, it wasn't Sanji's fault if the fencer had wanted to believe it.

And if Zoro was sure of one thing, it was that he hadn't been wrong. He had already seen the real Sanji several times during all this time spent together. When the blond gazed lovingly at his friends at mealtimes. When he fought to the limits of his strength to protect them. When he mentioned All Blue. At this moment, the genuine joy that illuminated the cook of the Straw Hat crew couldn't be faked. This Sanji was the one who had convinced Luffy to take him on his greatest adventure and he couldn't have completely disappeared.

This Sanji was here, somewhere, lost in the middle of his own story, and Zoro knew he didn't want to give up on finding him because what he had seen had left him only wanting to have more.

The swordsman finally grabbed his companion by the arm to force him back to his feet and Sanji tried to wipe away the tears that continued to flood his face. The fencer took a step forward then but the blond stepped back immediately, hitting the railing behind him. Zoro froze. Did Sanji think he was actually going to hit him? Admittedly, his first thought had been to settle their dispute with kicks and swords, but the swordsman had quickly understood that the cook couldn't defend himself right now. His legs no longer supported the weight of his body and his heart could no longer contain his overflowing emotions.

At least that was proof that Sanji still felt something and for the first time in his life, the fencer felt a wave of sadness and helplessness grip him at the sight of his crewmate. Zoro pressed his hand on his cold cheek, frowning, and the cook couldn't help but flinch.

"What did they do for you to come to this?"

The blond raised his eyes brimming with tears towards him and Zoro searched in his gaze for the answer to his questions.

"I miss you, cook," he realized in a whisper, "I miss you and I don't know how to get you back. I'm not even sure you want it…"

"I don't want to di-disappear but I don't know what to do," Sanji gasped in the middle of his sobs, "I don't understand and… I'd like to get my li-life back. I mi-miss you and I miss the crew and I miss cooking so m-much but… I don't know how to go-go on…"

He fixed his gaze shining with tears on that of the swordsman then, despair and distress completely taking over him.

"Help me, Zoro… Please h-help me…"

Without a word, the swordsman pulled him into his arms and Sanji clung to him, trying to stifle his pain against Zoro's shoulder. And maybe that attitude didn't look like the Straw Hat Pirates' cook, but that vulnerability was probably the result of an honesty he had never dared to show before.

The fencer closed his eyes and let his body try to appease the sobs that shook the blond against him. He didn't usually want to comfort anyone, but if Sanji dared reveal a real part of himself tonight, he could do the same.

Trailer parts 11/16

Musical inspiration: We might as well be strangers - Keane

I tried to take care over the whole chapter and especially the dialogues. I hope you felt the emotions.