A/N: Warning: Abuse.
I have just noticed that I have not pointed out that the bold parts at the beginning and end of the chapters are author's notes. Sorry.
My arm hurts. And the back.
The tape does not stop moving. I am doing it right.
"Bourgeois, raise your right leg."
I try. I keep moving the tape.
"It's still too low!"
Mrs. Alarie forcibly lifts my right leg and pulls my head down. The bow hits my left leg and jerks my groin and leg at the same time.
I leave the dorsal, I have hurt myself.
"Go with someone else." I order Mrs. Alarie.
She's supposed to be the boss because she's the coach. But of course, I don't do this professionally and my father pays her a bundle.
I go to the locker room and change. My miracle and my Pollen are here.
I'm leaving earlier today.
I am nervous and tense. That's why I've had two pulls. And the reason is one, clear and defined:
My mother returns.
After ten years.
And I've decided that I'm going to pay attention to what Kagami said. Fight for what you want. I don't mind the losers in my class liking me.
I want my mother to like me.
I've seen all the interviews she has done over these ten years.
I know that her favorite designer is Gabriel Agreste, also a family friend. I know her favorite color is gold, although I like yellow better. I know her favorite scent is orange blossom. All of that is exceptional.
She is harsh in criticizing. Three years ago I saw one of them on video. She criticized the shape, colors and fabric of the garments, leaving the designer in the dust. She had to withdraw.
But she not only criticized the designer, but also his models. They were ugly, fat and walked like a dizzy duck.
Of course, I couldn't be like them. Since that day, I control everything well. My make-up is perfect, my body is perfect and elegance comes to me on its own.
In my suite I shower with orange blossom shower gel, shampoo and conditioner, the most expensive my father found. Then I put on a cream, also orange blossom, and my new gold dress from the latest Agreste collection. Whenever I'm on TV I make sure I wear gold, in case my mom sees me.
I put on the brightest gold eyeshadow I have, gold lipstick and blush too. I put on my gold heels from the latest Agreste collection and my orange blossom perfume.
Finally, I put my big gold glasses on my head, covering my miracle.
"Am I golden enough?" I ask Pollen.
"Yes a lot. And you smell like orange blossom. Are you sure you should do all of this?"
"Of course, my mother left ten years ago and I want her to stay. She's only going to be here for a few months to look for the new fashion prodigy."
Pollen flies around me.
"Where am I going to go?"
I point out the bag, gold and from the Agreste collection. It's not as big as the white one, but it fits.
"Chloe. Your mother is about to arrive." I get the voice of the butler from behind the door.
Before Polen goes into the bag, I give her a kiss on the forehead. A lucky kiss.
I go quickly to the hotel entrance. My father is there, accompanied by several butlers and bellhops. They are all lined up and behind, as if waiting for a queen.
I stand next to my father.
The limo takes a few minutes to arrive.
I'm finally going to see her, after ten years. I don't remember anything about her in my life. All I know is from the videos.
I can't tell if I'm excited or nervous. I just want to see her.
The limo stops, the driver gets out and opens the back door.
Here she is.
She comes downstairs, wearing a sleek black and white jumpsuit, a hat, and glasses as big as mine.
Her heels make a high, faint sound on the street floor.
The buttons automatically go to the trunk of the limousine to get the suitcases.
"Dear." greets my father "Welcome back to Paris. I prepared my suite for your stay."
My mother walks toward the hotel entrance behind us, ignoring my father. He stands right between us and her head turns in my direction. Is she looking at me? I can't tell from the glasses.
"Hi, Mom."
Will she greet me? She doesn't ignore me like my father. She is paying attention to me.
'You are fat." she proclaims. Then she continues on her way.
What? We haven't seen each other in ten years and the first thing she says to me is that. I am in shock. I have to be really fat if those are the first two words after ten years.
My father widens his eyes.
"No, pumpkin, you're perfect." he says alarmed "Your mother must have been wrong. Those glasses seem to impair sight."
Good sunglasses, no. My mother would never buy bad glasses. She has no problem, it's me. I'm fat.
"This is your fault! For taking me to those doctors who forced me to eat. Two years ago I was the perfect weight. And you had to screw it up!"
My father takes a deep, strong breath. His brow tightens and his nose flares. He goes in the same direction as my mother. A large number of buttons follow them.
Everyone of them have seen it. They keep seeing it. That I'm fat. My classmates see it every day. And recently it was the class photo.
I want to die.
I want to cry.
I want to go to my room and take all this off. That's what I'll do.
Why yelling at someone to feel better didn't worked this time?
I go to my suite. A huge suite for a huge girl.
The sobs escape me even before I arrive.
When I enter I lock the door.
I kick off my heels and lie on the bed. Pollen escapes from the bag. A pure black liquid falls from her eyes.
"My Queen..."
"I don't want to talk about my weight. Really."
Hot tears roll down my face. I do not want to cry.
My chest hurts, it's a hot pain. It's hard for me to breathe. I try but I can not.
Pollen kisses me on the tip of the nose. That relaxes me a bit. We both wipe our tears.
Two loud knocks sound at the door.
"Chloe, let me in."
It's the butler Jean.
"Go away! I do not want to speak with anybody."
No more noise for a while. I try to calm down more. He comes back and opens the door. Pollen hides.
Jean walks over to where I am.
"You're not fat."
"That's your opinion, I don't give a shit."
He sighs.
"And the one that you are is another."
"One that I care about."
He shuts up. I don't look at him, I don't want to.
"You broke in." I turn on my bed to turn my back on him. "Go away."
"Mr. Bourgeois is talking to the lady."
So that? Convince her I'm not fat? If I am, I am. Full stop.
"Chloe, do you remember what your psychologist told you?" I do. "And your doctor? If you lose more weight, you will reach a point of no return and you will die."
I know. But my mother says I'm fat. After everything I've done for her today and she didn't like it.
I look at my dress. It is loose. What if my mother thought I was fat because my dress made me look that way?
I have to wear tight clothes, so that my mother sees that I do comply.
I jump up.
"Jean, I want you to go to the Louis Vuitton boutique and buy this."
I show him a picture of a black and white vertical striped jumpsuit, similar to the one my mother is wearing today.
I didn't like it very much at first glance, but it's perfect for the next party.
Party my mother is attending to find the new fashion prodigy.
"Chloe! Chloe!"
The paparazzi are annoying.
Yes, I know I'm fabulous. This jumpsuit looks great on me. Yes, I had to get help from a maid to zip up my zipper because it's too tight, but it's worth it.
When my mother gets out of the car, the cameras leave me. I get it, my mother is the most exceptional woman that she exists.
The guests are arriving. Lots of designers and sponsors. Including the Tsurugi.
I'm glad, a familiar person to talk to. Although I like fashion, I have a hard time talking to people from the world.
"Lady Tsurugi." I greet her. "Hello, Kagami."
My friend gives a little nod.
"Do you know each other?" her mother asks. The tone is cold. It reminds me of the way Kagami talked before we became friends. It's scary.
"Yes, we do. It is Chloe Bourgeois. A girl from my class." she explains.
She doesn't she introduces me to her as her friend? I try to ask the question with my eyes. Kagami shakes her head slowly.
"Bourgeois."
Mrs. Tsurugi continues on her way to wherever she wants to go.
Her clothes are simple and not very pretty, she doesn't wear any brand. But of course, she's blind, why would she care to wear nice clothes?
One moment. What is she doing here?
"I am sorry I did not introduce you to my mother as my friend. She does not want I to have friends. She says they hurt."
This is what I mean when I say it's weird. I am the first one who has suffered from ex-friends and the idea of not having any again does not occur to me. Moreover, here is Kagami as proof. And she Pollen in my bag.
Kagami is dressed horrible, as always. The poor girl doesn't know what fashion is. She is wearing old Japanese clothes and some old shoes. Although red and black look good on her.
Gabriel Agreste does not appear. In his place come Adrien and Nathalie.
The first addresses us.
He is wearing a suit from the new Agreste collection, obviously. He's a model and he's doing his job at this party.
He looks me up and down with wide eyes. He is surprised. I don't know why, he in it knows very well how extremely beautiful I am.
He bows to Kagami and tries to greet me with two kisses. I back off. A year ago I would have been delighted, not today. He tries to cover my rejection with a smile.
"Hello." It's that fake smile he puts on to hide his discomfort. I know it. "Many people. Good thing you're here, so the three of us can chat."
I don't want to chat with traitors. I move away from them, I'll talk to Kagami later.
Adrien is not the only model here. This is full of handsome boys.
"Will the lady accompany me?" Adrian asks. Not me.
I look at them askance. They're holding on to their arms. Kagami takes a look at me. Her eyes tell me that she wants to talk to me later.
I'm going to talk to the first guy I find.
"Miss Bourgeois."
A young male voice. I do not care.
I turn to find an extremely handsome boy.
"Hello."
"I wanted to tell you that you are stunning today."
If a stranger can see that I'm not fat, why can't my mother? Where is she?
"Oh, it's not today, it's always. But thanks. You..." I have to say something before I look for her. She has to hear the compliments." ...shirt is exquisite.
Linen is light and with that color it looks like a piece of heaven. I don't know what designer he is but I love it.
"Thanks. You can take it off me whenever you want."
What? What does this guy say? I don't know him at all. How old is he? Gross!
"That's not gonna happen. Disgusting."
I stop trying to sound friendly.
I walk away from that stranger and look for someone to talk to now. Kagami and Adrien are chatting and joking around in a corner. I don't want to be with Adrien, he is still a traitor.
My mother doesn't seem to be anywhere. Seriously, where has she gone?
"Miss Bourgeois! Look at the camera."
A photographer catches my eye. I turn and pose.
The flash leaves me momentarily confused. I sit for a moment and look at Twitter so it doesn't show.
This party is Trending Topic! And there are photos of me!
My photos have many comments. I go into the tweets and I see from the profile photos that the comments are from… mostly older men.
'Saved' says the first.
Why would a forty year old man want to keep a picture of me? Reasons come to mind, but none of them are pleasant.
'How mature is it already'
Mature? I don't know why, but that comment makes me feel bad. The same guy has another connected tweet.
'Does she have onlyfans?'
That makes me nauseous. I don't want to read any more. I know they will be worse. I don't want to think anymore.
I put the mobile phone in my bag and I see Polen looking at me worried.
I can't let it show on my face. There are cameras.
I can't stay here. I have to find someone else soon or else I'll come off as antisocial and they'll talk about me more.
I'm going to look for my mother seriously.
I walk through the entire building, all three floors. She is not. I go back downstairs.
I go out to the garden. It is a large well-kept garden with a wide variety of plants and various fountains.
There is an area where a tall rose hedge grows. The hedge has a hole through which you can see something. It looks like... a door? What is a door doing there?
I go through the gap and turn the doorknob. It's open. It is dark inside.
Normally I'd say: Don't go in there, Chloe. You are not the protagonist of a horror movie.
But being Queen Bee, it doesn't scare me.
I go down the stairs carefully.
"Pollen, stay tuned in case something happens." I whisper to my bag.
I reach the bottom of the stairs and find another door.
Inside I am greeted by a dark room, although brighter than the staircase, with people gathered in circles of two or three. People are guests at the party, including my mother, Mrs. Tsurugi, and Nathalie.
How has no one noticed? Well, I do. Maybe that's why. As there are three floors, you do not notice unless you are looking for someone in particular.
My mother sees me and comes towards me.
"What are you doing here?" she asks sharply.
What do I tell her? That I'm alone and I don't know what else to do? That I need her approval?
"I was looking for you. I want them to see that we are mother and daughter."
She makes a face, as if she smells something unpleasant. She leans in to get closer to me.
"Well, I don't want it." she says quietly. Huh? I am her daughter. "You're dressed like a whore." What? "I don't want to be associated with that. Out of here.'
How am I a whore? I've put on this jumpsuit so she can see that I have the measurements that she demands of models. I comply with them and I try very hard to do so. I do not get it. Her eyes burn me and I begin to see her blurry. A hot, stabbing pain shoots from my stomach to my chest.
"But mom, I've put this on so you can see that I'm thin."
It's hard for me to breathe. I see nothing. I don't want to cry, not here.
"You're still not. The only difference is that now you look like a whore. Get out of here, Clara." she growls.
My name is not known.
"My name is Chloe."
I'm leaving, it's what she wants. I lean against the wall when going up.
"My Queen." I hear faintly.
"Pollen."
My throat hurts.
I walk out of this dark and cramped staircase into the beautiful garden. I have to hide, I can't let them take pictures of me like that.
I stand here, behind the rosebushes, letting the tears flow and the makeup run. suffocating me making me dizzy
My legs turn to jelly and I fall.
My mother doesn't love me.
I do not know why.
My mother doesn't love me. She called me a whore.
What have I done to her?
I can not stop crying. Everyone hates me, even my mother. I'm ridiculous, absolutely ridiculous.
"Chloe?"
I freeze. It's Kagami's voice.
"Where is she? You saw her come this way."
And that's Adrien. I take a mirror out of my bag and clean my eyelash mask. It is not waterproof.
I put the mirror away and pat Polen's head. She is worried.
I get up and walk out from behind the rose bushes.
They both see me right away.
"How did you get there?" Adrian asks.
His eyes go all over my face. I think he noticed that I was crying.
"There is a hole in the rosebush." I answer.
"You cried." Kagami says. "Why?"
"I didn't cry. It must be your impression."
Adrien steps forward and shakes my hand.
"Have you fallen again?"
It's too sweet. I'm supposed to reject him, he's a traitor. But now I don't have the strength to do it.
"I'm okay. Actually, I have to go to the bathroom. Kagami, can you help me?"
"To what?"
"To unzip me. I can't do it by myself."
In the bathroom, Kagami has a hard time unzipping.
"It is a tough rival." she comments. I think it's a joke. Hers are horrible. But it makes me feel a little better.
Finally she manages to lower it. She doesn't move.
"Come out, I need to pee."
But he does not.
"Your ribs show."
"Yes, well..."
"Are you anorexic?" she interrupts me. It looks like concern.
I tense. I don't want her to see my face. Technically, I'm no longer anorexic. Although Adrien may be right and I has relapsed. But what else can I do if my mom thinks I'm fat?
"Can you pleasego? I have to pee."
Kagami doesn't say anything else and leaves.
Just before I call for her to zip up, Polen slips out of her bag.
"Do not do it." Huh? "Don't put the jumpsuit on again."
"I can't go around naked, Polen, no matter how little difference there is." I reply. "The reactions have made me uncomfortable but I wanted my mother to see how thin I am."
I should have bought it one size larger and put on a bodysuit the color of my skin.
"Your mother insults you and she makes you suffer. Her opinion doesn't matter." She says shaking her head.
"Of course she does. She's my mother."
Her intention is not to hurt me, but to make me better.
"Although she is your mother, she is not on your side." Polen leans on the tip of my nose and gives it a kiss. She speaks sweetly. "She stopped ten years ago. Stop trying to please her. Stop crying for her. 'There is no cry for traitors'" That phrase is mine. "The only opinion that matters about you is yours."
She can't hate me, she's my mother. She can't be a traitor.
"And I think I'm fat."
She walks away from me. She is silent, as if she is thinking.
"No. You thought you were perfect until your mother arrived and then you didn't eat for three days except the necessary honey." she answers in a more severe tone. "And you would like to eat more than you do, but you are afraid that she will call you fat. She still has done it. My queen, as Kagami said, only you decide how you are."
That's true. I want to be exceptional, and my mother knows what exceptional is. I was wrong and I'm not going to do it again.
"You're fifteen years old" she continues "You shouldn't wear that kind of clothes, you shouldn't be thinking about having perfect breasts. You are a girl." Her tone is sweet again, like before. "What's more, you shouldn't even worry about that being an adult. It's not important. The important thing is that you love yourself. My queen, I have lived millions of years and I can assure you that there is no such thing as perfection. Pursuing that ideal will only hurt yourself."
That is also true. Perfection may not exist, although there is exceptionality, and I can achieve that.
I'm going to go home.
My mother doesn't want us to be seen together because she would give her a bad image, the photos they can take of me trigger drooling on the Internet and Kagami is fine with Adrien.
I have no reason to stay here.
I notify Kagami, who helps me put my jumpsuit back on, and informs her that I'm leaving.
"But Adrien and I want to spend time with you."
Does Adrien want to spend time with me? He said he wouldn't be my friend until I changed my behavior to make his new friends like me.
Ah, of course, it is that he has the objective of trying to convince me. Adrien is very naive, like everyone on that side.
Kagami is pretty naive too, but she's more into mine than hers. The only one I can't figure out is Alix. She is on her side, but she is not naive. She is much more manipulative than she seems and I have no idea what she wants with me.
Hey, I'm getting distracted and I feel less like crying like this. Maybe it would be good to continue accompanied by Kagami.
"I'm going to go to my hotel. You can come with me if you want or you can stay here."
I open the cubicle door, it's too cramped for both of us.
"And Adrien?" she says as we leave.
Do you want Adrien to come too?
"It depends."
"About what?"
I put on my confident smile, even though I don't feel that way at all.
"That he correctly answers a question."
We walk out of the girls' bathroom into the garden where Adrien sits waiting on a bench that surrounds one of the majestic fountains.
He gets up when he sees us reach him.
"Did you bring more suits like that?" I consult before neither of them can open their mouths.
"Huh?" Adrien frowns in confusion. "Yes?"
I don't like doing this. Hurt my pride. But I'd rather have my pride hurt in front of Adrien and Kagami than be humiliated by strangers on the internet.
"Can you lend me one?"
"Okay?"
Still confused.
"Cool." I try not to let my voice show the desire to cry that I still have. "Bring it to me. I don't want to be seen like this again."
He gets up and walks over to me.
"Why? Didn't you choose that outfit?"
"It is a long story. I just think it shows more than I'd like."
Polen is right. I don't want any more Internet people talking about my body. I'm never going to wear something like this again.
"Do you know that this is not your fault? The dirty old men." Kagami intervenes.
"Even so."
Adrien takes off his jacket and hands it to me. The truth is that it is much better this way.
"Do you want to come to Le Grand Paris?"
"Get out of this? Yes, please."
The limousines that brought us have already left and Kagami's car has to stay for her mother. The three of us leave in a taxi.
Today is Saturday, so of course, it's time to patrol.
I am very tired, both physically and mentally. I don't have the strength or desire to stand guard.
"Bee, you go that way," Orders Bunnyx pointing to the left of her and slightly ahead, which would be northwest of her. "Ryuko, in that direction" she points to the northeast of her. "and I went there." She ends pointed behind her.
We are inside Françoise Dupont's courtyard. Today I can see something, the moon shines brightly.
"Why do I have to go to the neighborhoods where the houses are ugly and small?" I reply.
I never go through there. I do not want.
"Because poor people also have the right to be protected from akumas." she replies scathingly. "If we agree, we'll meet here at two."
Bunnyx and I turned to leave.
"Wait a minute," Ryuko bursts in before we part ways. "Do you know anything else about Hawk Moth?"
We are silent for a moment. Bunnyx researched once. She should have something.
"He hasn't spent a dime on the rest of the akumas by now, if that's what you wanted to know." Bunnyx replies. "I understand that Chloe Bourgeois has done her dirty work for him."
Yeah, okay, it's my fault. But although I don't know about bribery, something seemed strange to me.
"I have seen something strange. In social networks we are criticized a lot." I explain "I've found hate hashtags towards us on Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, Tik Tok... It's very strange, because after Stoneheart they adored us."
"I have also witnessed a lot of disgust towards us on television and radio talk shows." Ryuko adds. "In even opinion articles in newspapers that criticize us."
"Newspapers? Gatherings? Are you eighty years old?" I criticize.
She turns to me with a frown.
"I trust professionals more than social networks." she counters with annoyance. "Anyone can write there."
I put my hands on my waist.
"Anyone with money can buy from professionals."
My father does it a lot.
"Anyone can buy social networks."
This discussion goes nowhere.
"Well, I think we already know what Hawk Moth is spending his money on. You are both right. I'll have to research on that."
Ryuko holds up a hand.
"We do not know that, we may really be having a bad performance." Ryuko argues. "Sometimes we coordinate and make good plans and other times we are lousy. Also, I think Aurore's chain would like to interview us."
I'd love to. Going on TV as a version of me that they don't hate so much.
Bunnyx crosses her arms.
"No. I don't like cameras. I don't want to be on television."
Ryuko faces her.
"I agree not to go on television yet, but we will have to do it at some point. We are constantly being watched, we cannot avoid it forever."
Well, let them discuss.
I jump to the roof of the school and go in the indicated direction: the slums.
I never come here. As I said before, the houses are ugly and small, there are no trees and the streets are dirty.
The further I go, the more dilapidated the houses are. The streetlights don't work and I see people getting high in some alleys.
That gives me a chill. I don't understand why someone would self-destruct like that. I also hurt myself for a while.
Every time I felt like dying, that I looked so fat, that my father ignored me, that my class started treating me like a witch.
Then I learned that I felt much better when he responded to them, when it was the others who suffered in my place.
And I stopped cutting myself.
Still, afterward I feel bad again. And now there are also akumas, but I can't help it, it comes out on its own.
I continue on my way.
In the space of dry weeds between the last houses and the polygon area, there are homeless people warming themselves with a drum of fire. Why don't they get a job? I don't understand how they can live like this. Are they useless and that's why they don't hire them? It is awful. It's a nightmare. It makes me feel bad.
I continue my way to the border of the city, the polygons.
There are almost naked women here, even though it's February. Cars stop next to them and get on. I know what they are, I know what happens to them. I want to throw up, I can't keep watching this.
That's why I don't want to come to the slums. None of this is my fault and there is nothing I can do to fix it.
I come back, I try to stay in the least poor part of the neighborhood. I sit on a roof and wait for time to pass.
In the house across the street a light is on. As a Queen Bee, I see more colors, and that window is especially toasty.
There's a guy at a desk doing something, probably studying, something I should be doing too.
The guy has the largest range of colors I've seen so far. It is impressive, wonderful. Something good to get out of this visit.
I'm blown away, I admit it. I go down to the street because I want to see it more closely. This street is deserted, drug addicts are found more outside.
As I get closer I see that I know him. He is Nathanael. I didn't know he lived here, he doesn't smell as bad as this street.
I do not know what time it is. Maybe I could ask him, at least I know him.
I jump high and land on the windowsill. The noise makes him look in my direction.
He opens his eyes and mouth wide. He stands there staring at me.
"Queen Bee..." he murmurs. He is also my fan.
I enter. I'm getting used to people freaking out when I'm Queen Bee.
"Do you have a watch?"
I look around his room, in case there is one on the wall. But instead there are only paintings and drawings.
Paintings and drawings that I know well. They're from me, Queen Bee.
He is QueenBeeFan187.
I don't know how to take it. He hates the civilian and adores the heroine.
He gets up to get my attention and prevent me from seeing his art. But it's too late.
"Hello. What... what are you doing here?"
"I don't have a watch and I've agreed to meet Ryuko and Bunnyx at two. You're my fan?"
He lowers his head with a red face. His colors are much more intense and varied than ever. He's beautiful.
I smile. He is now with the version of me that he likes the most.
"Would you tell me the time?"
When I'm Queen Bee, they expect me to be sweet and kind. And that's what I am, at least with civilians.
"Yes, of course." Look at his mobile phone. He nearly lost his nerve. "It's one o'clock."
What a difference in treatment.
"Well, I have an hour." I'm looking for a place to sit. His room is much neater than I thought. There are no dirty clothes or anything like that, even his bed is made. I sit there. "What were you doing at this hour?"
I never gave a shit about Nathanael, but knowing that he is QueenBeeFan187 changes him a lot. I have met the subject of my adoration.
He stares at me sitting on his bed for a few seconds.
"I... I drew you."
A Saturday night at one in the morning? That's being obsessed with me. Although I find it understandable. He looks like he grew up reading superhero comics. And now we exist. It has to be amazing for someone like him.
"Congratulations, you have one hour to use me as a model."
He winces and gets up to look for the piece of paper or whatever bigger he has. On his computer, an old and heavily scratched one, a Twitter notification pops up.
"She's a whore"
Nathanael sees me looking at it.
"I'm arguing with an Internet guy. Today, a girl in my class went to an event wearing some... inappropriate clothes." she's talking about me. "And there are these guys who won't stop talking dirty about her and I can't leave it like that, even though she is a horrible person."
Is he defending me?
He sits down and begins to draw me very intently.
I try to forget the day.