Tessa had stopped breast feeding entirely since starting her antidepressants, as the doctors had warned her the meds would leak into the milk, but she decided that was okay. Her baby needed her mother to be a functional human being more than she needed breast milk. Lucie was used to formula, and both Will and Jem were quite proficient at making it. These days, the boys were doing almost all the child care, with Tessa only spending time with her daughter when one of her father's was around. She liked it this way best for now. Until Tessa was totally better, this kept Lucie safe.
Tessa was taking some 'me' time, and with every passing day, she was feeling more like Tessa. She was re-reading her favourite books, baking, sleeping, and spending time with friends. She hadn't told most her friends about the post partum depression, but Magnus was a different story. Tessa had needed to tell him. Her other friends weren't big life problem friends, so much as school colleagues, or book club acquaintances. When some people ask you how you are, all you say is fine, no matter how you are feeling. This being the case for those book club and school friends, but Magnus was different. If Magnus ever asked how she was, Tessa always gave him a real answer. The most wonderful thing about Magnus however, is that he knows when she doesn't need to talk about it. He had a way of just understanding without intrusion, when she needed to talk about someone else's issues, and when she needed to unload her own.
"So, I am hoping I get the research job," Magnus finished his long reply to her question 'how's the job hunt going?' "It looks interesting, though it's a thirty minute drive away so I am going to need to get a car. Sure, the archiving job pays better and is closer, but it just seems so boring. I'd almost rather commute, but then again, there is the better pay with the potentially boring job."
"Money is important," Tessa replied. "Not that I can talk, being unemployed and all."
"You have Will and Jem," Magnus explained. "And little Lucie. Don't be too hard on yourself."
"Well you have Alec," Tessa countered. "I am sure he'd rather you take the job you're interested in."
"I'm sure Alec wouldn't mind it if I didn't work at all," Magnus laughed. "He wanted to take a vacation when I should be working."
"Why not just go on vacation then?" Tessa asked. "Sounds like a nice graduation gift."
"Student debit is my actual graduation gift," Magnus replied. "Alexander is constantly testing my willpower. It's like he wants me to take advantage of him."
"Nah," Tessa smiled. "He's just young and in love. Throw in rich, and it all makes sense." She laughed. It was great to talk about someone else's problems for a change, and to talk to an adult that wasn't Jem or Will. She loved them both, but lately it was like they were the only people she spoke to.
Magnus sighed, a deep final sound. "Well, I've fallen now and I ain't getting up," he said.
"Funny how that happens," Tessa chuckled.
"And you, my dear," Magnus began, smiling. "Have let me go on for too long about my silly little problems. How are you?"
"Happy to talk about you," Tessa replied. "Honestly though, I'm better. Will and mostly Jem have taken over baby duty for a while."
"Jem is a saint," Magnus replied.
"He really is," Tessa sighed, sinking deeper into her comfortable chair. It was just like Magnus to sense when she was finally ready to talk about her own stuff. The hour of listening to Magnus's job hunting adventures had been time well spent.
"I have been dying to know," Magnus whispered. "I mean, I know you consider them both the father, but do you actually know who it is?"
"Will," Tessa said without hesitation. They hadn't ever planned to keep this a secret, but it seems that all their friends had been too polite to ask, that is until now.
"So you did a paternity test?" Magnus asked.
"No," Tessa explained. "Jem can't have kids."
"Well, I bet that sure simplified everything," Magnus chuckled.
"It did actually," Tessa laughed. She'd been laughing so much since Magnus's arrival, and it felt amazing. Tessa was having a hard time believing that life was this good. It felt like a dream compared to before. Not so long ago there hadn't been a single glimmer of light on the horizon, and now it was like she was warm again. "The whole reveal went something like, 'so I'm pregnant and I have no clue by whom'. Then Jem chips up and says I do, 'it's Will's.'"
"Not exactly your typical 'I'm pregnant' unveiling," Magnus chuckled.
"Nothing in my life is typical," Tessa sighed. "I mean really, my two boyfriends are looking after my daughter, while I sit here gossiping with my ex-roommate about how I got the two boyfriends, and the daughter."
"You are still my roommate in spirit," Magnus told her.
"Thanks," Tessa smiled. "Oh, how is Clary working out as the substitute?"
"She's at Jace's a lot," Magnus explained. "But when she's home it's great. We watch rom-coms, and eat ice cream in onesies."
"Sounds like heaven," Tessa laughed. "So long as the rom-com is Pride and Prejudice."
"You would pick a Jane Austen," Magnus chuckled.
"Why of course!" Tessa replied in mock horror in her best British accent. "Romance hasn't been quite the same since the 1800s."
"You weren't alive in the 1800s and as far as history goes I promise romance wasn't more romantic back then," Magnus began. "Women's rights weren't a thing, and don't even get me started on oral hygiene and infant mortality rates! That's gotta kill the romance, right? The 1800s wasn't all Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth Bennet, you know." Magnus paused then added, "What are you smiling about?" Tessa, indeed was grinning. She had so missed adult conversation. Will worked quite a lot, and Jem more often spoke in baby voices these days than adult ones, or so it seemed to her. For a man who'd permanently decided he wouldn't have children at the age of eighteen, he'd taken to fatherhood like a fish to water.
"Do you want kids, Magnus?" Tessa asked suddenly when their laughter died. She was starting to realize most people talked about this before all the group sex, and antibiotics lead to crying infants, and she wanted to know what the consensus was. Tessa had already asked a few of her old school friends, and been rather fascinated by the results.
"There have been times when I entertained the idea," Magnus said after a moment's thought. "Usually when I was in a serious relationship with a woman, but now I don't know. I guess, it will depend what Alexander wants."
"So what you're saying is that Alec's more important to you than whether or not you have kids?" Tessa countered.
"Yeah, I guess so," Magnus smiled.
"Have you talked to Alec about this?" Tessa asked.
"Not yet," Magnus replied. "But there's no rush."
"True, you guys can't get accidentally knocked up," Tessa grumbled. "Lucky bastards."
"No swearing around the baby," Jem's voice carried into the living room as Tessa heard him walking down the hall.
"Bastard isn't really swearing," Tessa defended herself. "And she is too little to understand what I am saying anyway."
"Still, best to get into those habits now," Jem informed her as he moved closer. Reaching her side, he leaned over and asked, "Is mommy up for a snuggle?"
"Only if daddy doesn't leave," Tessa replied.
"You are so much better," Jem told her. "I'm not worried."
"That makes one of us," Tessa replied as she let Jem place her daughter in her arms. It was strange having the small weight in her arms again, but in a good way. Tessa had held Lucie only a handful of times since her breakdown. She didn't trust herself.
"She's already been fed," Jem told her. "So all she needs is mommy cuddles."
"Thanks," Tessa smiled, looking up at Jem again. He was standing over her smiling at the two of them. Tessa didn't have the words to express how grateful she was to Jem. Because he wasn't working, Jem had taken up the majority of the child care since her breakdown almost a month ago. Will helped when he was home, but the forty hours a week when he worked had become Jem's time, and Tessa couldn't be more thankful.
Tessa looked from Jem down to the baby, and found herself genuinely smiling. Laughing with Magnus had been wonderful, but smiling naturally around her daughter was something else entirely. Not only was it a huge relief, but there was something else Tessa couldn't quite put into words. She'd felt like there had been something wrong with her for so long, since what kind of mother can't bond with her own child? Lucie had been a stranger to her then, but now, Tessa could see a little of Will in the structure of her face, and a little of herself in the way Lucie smiled. It was like she was getting to know Lucie or something, but then again, that made no sense because Lucie was so little. Could one actually get to know a four month old? Then again, there was quite a lot of personality in that smile.
"See Tessa," Jem's voice broke her chain of thought. "You don't need me."
"I definitely need you," Tessa argued firmly.
"Well you don't need me for at least an hour," Jem replied. Tessa looked up skeptically. That was a very specific time frame. "I have to run an errand," Jem continued. "Lucie is fed, changed, burped, and everything. She should be happy with just cuddles till Will gets home in an hour, and I probably won't even be gone the whole hour. You've totally got this, Tess."
"What's the errand?" Tessa asked, stalling for time because she wasn't sure what to say. Tessa hadn't had the baby by herself since waking up in the hospital.
"Just a test at the hospital," Jem explained. "Routine but... I can call and cancel if you want." Tessa sensed this was less about his appointment, and more about trying to get her to spend time with the baby alone.
Smiling lovingly at her, Jem placed his hand against her cheek. Tessa leaned into his touch, closing her eyes. "You are so much better," Jem whispered. "You can do this."
"You promise?" Tessa asked.
"I promise," Jem replied softly.
"You should go then," Tessa said firmly. "Your health is important, and Magnus will stay here with me, won't you Magnus?"
"Umm," Magnus began. "Sure, but I don't really know how to look after a baby."
"She does," Jem assured him. "She just thinks she needs supervision."
"I do need supervision!" Tessa exclaimed. "I almost dropped her, remember?"
"What I remember is you handing Lucie to me so she would be safe," Jem replied.
"We remember that very differently," Tessa told him.
"I am sure we do, love," Jem replied. He leaned in and kiss her lightly on the lips before turning to leave. "Call if you need anything. I'll come running." Tessa nodded, determined. She kept her eyes on Jem until he walked out the front door.
"It sounds like the depression got pretty bad," Magnus said slowly after a few moments.
"I have nothing to compare it to," Tessa said, keenly aware of her daughter in her arms, as well as the absence of both her father's. "I've done a little research on the subject since it happened to me. Postpartum is way more common than I imagined, and it affects all women differently. It's strange, but it makes me feel better - less ashamed - to think that lots of other people are having similar problems."
"Misery loves company," Magnus replied with a smile. "That just makes you human, Tessa. Nothing to be ashamed of."
"Well, being human is stupid," Tessa said firmly.
"I agree," Magnus chuckled. "We should be magical warlocks, then our lives would be easy." They both laughed lightly, then Tessa's eyes turned down to the content child resting in her arms. Lucie wasn't sleeping, but she was perfectly happy to just be where she was. Tessa knew she was lucky to have such an easy, happy, healthy baby. She'd heard stories of infants that cried and cried no matter how you tried to sooth them. Lucie wasn't like that. Tessa was lucky, and she needed to remember that. The depression had blinded her, and she didn't want to have the wool pulled over her eyes ever again.
"I love her," Tessa said. She wasn't sure if she was talking to Magnus, or to herself, but even so, she was looking down at Lucie. "I mean I really do. It's irrational and confusing, but I'd die for her."
"She's your daughter," Magnus said. "What's irrational or confusing about loving her?"
"I don't know her," Tessa explained. "Like she's a person, but not quite yet, you know. It just- it's strange."
"I guess I can see what you mean," Magnus replied. "It's instincts, Tessa. Humans are hardwired to protect their young. It's normal."
"I can see more of who she is now than four months ago," Tessa continued. "The way she crinkles her nose, or wraps her whole hand around my finger, but she's still like this little pink thing that requires constant attention."
Magnus laughed. "That pretty well sums it up," he chuckled.
"Yeah," Tessa replied softly. Lucie started making noises, and for a second Tessa panicked. Then she took a few deep breaths, and repositioned her daughter in her arms. She could do this. She was doing this. Alone with her daughter. Well, alone with Lucie and Magnus.
"So how was shopping with Izzy?" Tessa asked him, both because she was curious, and because she needed the distraction.
"Interesting," Magnus said slowly. "Izzy is rather… how do I put this delicately… well, she has a big personality. I watched her try on clothes that could cover my cost of living for a month. Then I dragged her off to sane stores, and listened to her express concern for my skin because of the quality of the fabric." He chuckled.
"It's better though right, with her I mean?" Tessa asked.
"Yes much," Magnus smiled. "I think we just got off on the wrong foot. We have another shopping trip planned for next month, and this time we are going to drag Alexander, even if he's kicking and screaming the whole time." There was an evil glint in Magnus's eyes.
"I was going to suggest you hold Lucie," Tessa said smiling. "But with that evil look, she might actually be safer with me."
"I have a confession to make," Magnus said. "I've never held a baby before, and I honestly feel like I will suck at it. Which is why I brought Alec with me when you invited me to visit you in the hospital."
"You aren't as subtle as you think you are, Magnus," Tessa replied. "I kinda figured, and really, who am I to talk? Just because you have a kid, doesn't mean you know what you are doing as a parent."
"True," Magnus replied. Then added with a laugh. "What are parents really, if not just people who had sex."
"Truer words, my friend," Tessa smiled.
The hour passed quickly with Magnus there to talk to, and when Will arrived home he kissed Tessa hello, and scooped his daughter out of her arms, much to Tessa's relief. She was proud of herself, but it was best to take these things one day at at time.
Aren't my sneak peeks so misleading? ^_^ *Might be a little evil*
...wow I am really getting lazy with these author's note these days... I got nothing.
Sneak Peek Chapter 83
As she walked out of class, Clary wondered what Jace was doing. It was the first Wednesday where she had plans and he didn't, since last week he'd finally learned what was up with Mason. Clary had to admit she felt sorry for the guy. Having a crush on Jace without having Jace was something she could empathize with. Though Clary had to admit if Mason hadn't been a guy she might have been less sorry and more jealous. As it was she knew Jace was as straight as an arrow so she wasn't worried.
"You must be in the defense class."
Clary looked up. It was a guy from her art history class. If she wasn't totally off his name was Brett. Honestly, Clary was just happy she'd managed to recognize him at all. She was so bad with names and faces.
"What gave me away?" Clary laughed.
"The self confidence," Brett replied.
"Oh yeah sure," Clary chuckled. "Because the sweat and sports clothes weren't enough of a hint."
"Hey, what can I say," Brett continued. "There is nothing hotter than a woman who can defend herself."
"More like tired, messy and gross," Clary counted. "Oh did you finish the essay on Van Gogh?"
"Not yet," Brett said.
"Me neither," Clary grumbled.