CHAPTER 6: Out of the Shadows (Part 6)

Hogwarts Grounds

September 15th, 1995

10:50 a.m.

The following week proved to be a sort of return to normality. After what had happened that Friday, when he allowed himself to join the others and even slightly let down his walls, even if it was unconsciously, he couldn't allow himself to do that again. His mind re-played the events of his first Halloween at Hogwarts like a film at a theatre, one that never reached the credits. After a while, he found that he couldn't be with any one of the Slytherins without the feeling of unceasing dread persecuting him until he was alone.

The Room of Requirement became his safe haven, the one place where no one could find him or attack him. He even slept there a night when his paranoia was getting unbearable, and after realizing that the teachers weren't alerted to his disappearance, he had spent every single night there.

A part of him, logically, knew that he was being unreasonable. He'd slept in his dormitory for the past four years without any midnight attack, which was actually surprising to him, with the benefit of hindsight. And even if someone were to attack him, he could easily beat them, he was sure of that. He trained just as hard, if not slightly higher given the room's capabilities, than some of the Aurors who did this for a living. There was no doubt in his heart that he could overcome any obstacle the Slytherins might device against him, however, it seemed that his body had taken control of its own rather than allowing his brain to do the thinking, and sent him spiralling into a frenzied state.

The only person he spent any time at all with was little Michael. He'd waited outside Umbridge's office those last two nights and helped him heal his injury. Even in the following days, the repeated the ritual to make sure no scarring was left and that he was perfectly fine.

Harry didn't interact often with the kid after that, though he did tell Michael to keep him in the loop of what was happening to him, and to alert him if the other kids were giving him any trouble. But apart from a few non-verbal conversations across the table in the Great Hall, or some nods as they passed each other in the hallway, he hadn't been in contact with him ever since. He was surprised that he found a part of himself worrying about the kid sporadically, even missing his presence.

But just as soon as those thoughts formed inside his head, they were eradicated by his increasing anxiety.

Some of the guys in the gang had tried to contact him, and even include him in their activities like eating lunch or going to the rec room, but he'd ignored and avoided them ever since. He was specifically rude when they got pushy, though he did regret it once he saw a glimpse of hurt behind Nott's mask. The others didn't seem affected by it though (not even Parkinson, who hadn't left his head ever since Theo told him that she had a crush on him) which honestly made it easier for himself to be as big of a dick to them as he was.

However, the person he wanted to be the biggest arsehole to was the one he simply couldn't. Ever since that night, he'd been furious at Longbottom, and even more at himself, for allowing the bloody prat to get away with the sucker punch. It had taken all of his strength, all of his willpower to not wipe the floor with his arse and leave him dangling atop the astronomy tower, stark naked. God, how much he'd fantasized of the moment everyone saw him, completely humiliated, the mighty Boy Who Lived brought down a couple pegs.

But unfortunately, he couldn't allow himself to do that. He wasn't a bloody Gryffindor whose brain could shut off and could act without considering the consequences of his actions. He'd made a vow that he would fix his mistake by infiltrating whatever the trio was planning, and if he was anything, he was a man of his word. Even if the promise was made to people who he didn't care for.

There hadn't been any more encounters with the trio like that one, which was good for Harry, since he wasn't sure he would be able to contain himself the next time. Apart from a couple of stare-downs every few days when Neville's ire was free for all to see, they didn't have any other encounters. Weasley looked at him with an ugly smugness, but at least Granger showed a bit of shame every time he looked at her after her lack of response to Neville's clear disregard for the rules.

He hadn't been able to make any moves to infiltrate the group, both Neville and himself had gained such a hatred for one another that even being in the same room filled the air with a bursting tension that even the teachers had noticed it. Luckily for him, no one from the group of Slytherins had pestered him about his progress. At least not until the following Friday - exactly one week after he made the proposition to Greengrass.

After another incredibly dull class with Professor Grubby-Plank, the group had separated and was starting to head to the castle. At first, Harry was sure that there would be a confrontation between the two houses by the glares and scowls Longbottom was giving him, and a few others like Malfoy and Greengrass. But before a skirmish could blossom, Granger had grabbed Neville by the hand and forced him away from the group.

Harry was genuinely amazed by the power Granger held over the Boy Who Lived, one which he wasn't even sure she realised. Sure, he constantly snapped at her, just like at Weasley and everyone, but she's the only one he'd ever seen to be able to calm him as swift and effectively as she just had.

The cool wind of the nearing October rustled against the group as they headed up the hill towards the massive castle in the distance. The group of Gryffindors had become nothing but tiny specs now, drowned by the bewitching sights that were the grounds and structures of the school. He felt that sometimes, he took Hogwarts for granted, but in times like these, when he was consumed by the beauty surrounding him - the history behind the castle, the sounds of birds chirping, brooms flying, and students chattering, the grandioseness that made him feel so incredibly small, and yet at the same time so incredibly grand. It was more impressive than any magic he could accomplish.

It was peaceful, and at that moment, he wished he would never have to leave. Unfortunately, real life had a way to sneak up on you in those moments of heavenly bliss.

"Potter," Greengrass spoke clearly, gaining the attention of the mass of Slytherins nearby. "Have you made any progress with convincing Granger to let you join their group?"

"Oh, yeah," Harry began sardonically. "No, we're best of friends now. We go for butterbeers before dinner and have picnics under the night sky. You'd be surprised at how easy it is to gain someone's trust in a mere week."

"Is that your complicated way of saying that you haven't accomplished shit?"

"No, this is my nice way of telling you that you're an idiot, Malfoy."

"Have you at least tried anything?" Greengrass asked, unamused.

"I'm working on it," Harry said through gritted teeth. "It's harder than you might think to infiltrate the most secretive group of students in the castle."

"Yeah, besides Longbottom hates him now," Nott pointed out, not maliciously.

"So the rumours are true…" Malfoy drawled with a hint of glee. "You really let Longbottom take a shot at you and just stood there? Are you a poofter now, Potter?"

Harry saw the almost invisible flinches at the slur from a couple of the Slytherins in the group, but the others remained stoic. He walked right up to Malfoy, grinned, and lifted his chin.

"Why don't you hit me and find out?"

"Will you two stop measuring your dicks and focus on the task at hand? Umbridge has just been made the High Inquisitor of Hogwarts, and we are nowhere close to finding a way to take her down!"

"Wait, what?" Malfoy asked with a bewildered look.

She sighed. "My father sent me and Astoria a letter this morning. They just passed the Educational Degree Number Twenty-Three, which gives Umbridge the position of High Inquisitor and a lot more control of the castle and what happens here. They're gonna announce it on the Daily Prophet tomorrow morning."

"And you just decided to tell us now!?"

"When, exactly, should I have told you? This morning in the castle, where Umbridge probably has all the eyes and ears she might want? It wouldn't have made a difference if you learnt it from me or from the newspaper tomorrow. Besides, wouldn't your father have told you about this? He's even closer to the Minister than mine!"

"No, he didn't tell me." Malfoy whined.

"Potter, you have to infiltrate them like right now! If Umbridge gets-"

"Listen, Greengrass." Harry snapped. "I told you I'm gonna do it, and I'm going to, but all in due time. Longbottom hasn't even agreed to even start the damn thing, and by the time he does, my work will have been done. I'm your only choice for this, so if you want me to join their super secret boy-band, get out of my arse and let me deal with this alone, okay?"

"And what are we supposed to do? Just wait until the great Harry Potter gets off his arse and decides to finally do his part?"

"No, we need more intel on Umbridge. What can she do with her new position? Who supported her besides Fudge? Who are her friends? Who are her enemies? Who does she care for? Where does she like to take a shit? I don't care if it's the smallest detail, we need to know everything about her in case things turn south in here."

"And what exactly are you planning on doing with this information?"

"I don't know yet," Harry sighed, annoyed. "But if there's anything I've learnt is that we can never have too much information on someone. If we're going to beat Umbridge, we're gonna have to know her better than she knows herself."

"Well, as much as I'd like to participate in your useless mission, I can't. I'm not going to ask my father to risk himself and research Umbridge like that."

"Yeah, me neither," Malfoy quickly added in.

"Can't you even ask your father what this new position means for the school, and what he thinks she could do with it? He doesn't need to research too much for that, and it would help us a lot." Theo asked Daphne.

"Fine," she rolled her eyes. "I'll try to ask him, but I make no promises."

"Well, at least that's something."

"Pansy's father is also high up in the Ministry, and has a lot of connections there, you could ask her if he's willing to help us out." Nott told him.

"I'll talk to her later, where is she anyway?"

Everyone shrugged carelessly.

"Dunno," Theo said. "But according to Blaise, she's also been skipping other classes, not just Care."

"So what do we do now?" Malfoy asked, going back to topic. "Are we just supposed to wait for Potter to become chummy with Longbottom?"

"Well, apart from researching more about Umbridge, there's nothing we can really do until she plays her hand. But you're free to make more suggestions."

"What if we bug Longbottom again? Surely, that would be more efficient than whatever Potter is trying to do."

Harry laughed. "Granger already found our last bug, if you don't think she'd find it again, you're dead wrong."

"She's just a mudblood," Malfoy sneered. "We can easily outsmart her."

"Then be my guest, I love to watch people fail miserably. But I'm not wasting my time with this any longer."

Harry made sure to bump against Malfoy as he continued walking ahead, leaving the group behind.

After returning to the castle, Harry spent the rest of his afternoon inside the Room of Requirement. There had been a massive influx of essay requests that week from Umbridge's class, to a level that was usually only present on the final weeks of term when final projects and exams clashed. It seemed that nobody wanted to do Umbridge's work, and he couldn't blame him, the assignments were so dull and repetitive that he even had to turn down a few people because of how gruelling they were to make.

He didn't really need the money, that was never a reason why he did it, and a part of him was even tempted to quit, even though it was only the third week of term so far. And what with Umbridge's new position, things would get worse before they got any better. If by some miraculous streak of shit luck and Umbridge forced all the courses in the school to be as monotonous as hers, Harry wasn't sure he would manage to do his work alone, let alone everyone else's.

After advancing on the essays and training, Harry went in search of Parkinson. He hadn't talked to her in over a week, and wasn't exactly looking forward to, given how he was almost beginning to become slightly flustered around her without her even saying anything. But he really needed someone to find out anything they could about Umbridge, and she was his last chance.

He'd lied to the group when he told them that he didn't know what he would use the information for, he already had plenty of ideas. However, the most pressing concern for him was one that Daphne just made him aware of today. Even though it was clear no one was fond of Umbridge, he didn't know if and which people were on her side. He didn't think Daphne was wrong when she said that Umbridge most likely has a net of spies sprinkled around the castle, in all houses even. So finding out who was with her and who was against her was essential for them to not get caught.

Any other information would be pretty useful as well, but he didn't think it would give him a get out of jail free card. If he tried blackmailing Umbridge, he had no doubt she'd find a way of turning it back on him, and much worse. And with how quick she seems to be gaining power in the school, he wasn't going to risk being expelled, having his wand broken and magic bound before sent back to the Dursleys - for good this time.

He was just about to get rid of them, he wouldn't fuck it up right at the finish line.

Harry looked everywhere for Parkinson; in the library, in the rec room, and in the Great Hall. He even looked in the Marauder's Map and couldn't find her there either. After realising she wasn't anywhere to be found on the parchment, he went back to the Room of Requirement since it didn't show in the map, but he couldn't find her there either. It was like she had vanished from the castle in its entirety.

A burning feeling of curiosity spread through him as he wondered where she could be, it was so intense that he began counting everyone in the castle to see if anyone else had vanished. He had gone over most of the map, and had found the majority of the students and all of the teachers, barring Snape, before he was interrupted.

"Hey, Potter!" Someone called out to him as he sat on a random corridor.

He sprang up, hiding the map behind him and discreetly casting the spell that would erase it before putting it under the essays he always kept with the parchment in case it was ever needed.

"What do you have there?" Zabini asked as he and Nott walked over to him.

"The secret key to the magical realm of Narnia," Harry said deadpanned.

"Right," Blaise said, unamused. "I forgot you went back to being an unbearable asshole."

The Slytherin hit him on the shoulder as he passed him, with Theo awkwardly following behind him.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Harry asked, his tone dangerously low.

"You know what it bloody means, Potter." Zabini spat, slightly shocking Harry, who had never seen the usually cheerful guy like this. "You know, last week I thought that you were almost cool. You had finally begun to get off your high horse and actually talk to us rather than putting on the same act that you have for the past four years. Sure, you were still a massive arse at times, but I thought that with time you might change. And then boom, from one moment to another the same dickhead who's been sharing our dorm is back, and being more unbearable than ever."

"Oh, I'm sorry," Harry mocked. "I didn't realise I hurt your fragile feelings."

"Nah, bro, you didn't hurt shit. I don't care what you do or if you want to keep convincing yourself that the arsehole persona you're doing is still an act rather than who you really are. Just don't come crying back once you've decided that you actually want to have a few friends rather than living the rest of your life alone in an empty existence."

"Suit yourself," Harry said quickly, but nonchalantly. "I don't need anyone."

"Everyone needs someone," Blaise countered. "Trust me when I tell you, that I'm a good judge of character, Potter. So when I tell you that no matter how much you say it, or how much bravado you put behind your words, you don't just need someone, you want someone. You want other people in your life, but your pride and anger makes you push everyone away, it made you become the pariah that you are right now. However, when you're finally smart enough to realise that you can't continue living like you are and that you're going to have to let someone in, no one will want to associate themselves to the biggest prick in the school."

Harry felt his chest constrict and a burning sensation surge from the bottom of his throat. "I hate to rain on your parade, Zabini, but you got it all wrong. And if you think I'm going to go crying back to you, you don't know a single thing about me."

"We'll see about that," the Slytherin told him before turning to Theo, who'd been watching the whole exchange silently. "Let's go."

After his encounter with Zabini, Harry felt a helpless rage that he decided to satiate by doing a few simulations inside the Room of Requirement. He needed to clear his mind, and even though it was tempting to attack anyone who insulted him, it wasn't particularly smart. However, it didn't matter how many dummies he took down, the conversation didn't leave his head - Blaise's words had affected him more than he wanted to admit.

He wasn't supposed to care about what the others thought about him, and if he was honest, he really didn't. What he was concerned about is that Zabini might have had a point. He'd been forcing himself and fighting the urge to let himself free and make friends ever since that Halloween. The last time he considered someone a friend, they had betrayed him in the worst possible way, so it was no wonder to him that he stopped bothering and treated everyone as a potential enemy. Even with four years of experience, he was convinced that that was the right move - it was the reason he'd survived the most in the house and the reason why he had never been betrayed to that magnitude again.

So why was he suddenly feeling guilty about it? Sure, he knew that he wasn't particularly nice to other people after he made himself the promise, but he never considered himself an arsehole like Malfoy, at least not really. It was a defence mechanism, he'd always told himself that, and he was sure it was. He wasn't an arsehole. But if he wasn't, then why was he so concerned of the possibility that he really was?

Shouldn't he want to be an arsehole? After all, they didn't get hurt, they didn't care about other people and only cared about themselves. Wouldn't life be so much easier if he truly was like that? It sure seemed like the best option, but as soon as he pictured himself as being as bad as his uncle, he realised he didn't want to.

He didn't want to become just like Uncle Vernon, Snape, or Umbridge. He didn't want to have everyone hate him, he didn't want to stay alone for the rest of his life, but most of all, he didn't want to become just like the people he hated. Was he really as bad as them? Was it too late to change? Could he even change? Or did he become doomed ever since Uncle Vernon took him in?

What kind of life did he want? He wanted to be great, to be recognised as one of the greats. He wanted to prove to the world who he really was and that he wasn't just another skinny, mediocre kid. He didn't want to live in an empty flat, staying in every day for the rest of his life, having no friends or family, no people who cared about him. He wanted a full life, one that he actually enjoyed and lived rather than just existed in.

But if he changed, he would just prove Blaise right. He would be doing exactly what the Slytherin had told him would happen. He didn't want to do that, he didn't want to seem weak and change just because Zabini chastised him that one night. What kind of person would he be if he just changed because others didn't like who he was currently.

Harry spent the rest of the night thinking, unable to get a wink of sleep, wondering what kind of person he wanted to be, and if he was that person at all right now.

I have to admit, this isn't the chapter I'm proudest of, but it's necessary. I didn't really know how to show Harry's feelings and internal struggle without the thought monologues, but I felt that if I kept trying to find ways of showing it rather than telling it, that I would get completely stuck and unmotivated, so I'm settling for this. Hopefully you like this chapter and it didn't come across as just a bunch of exposition.