On some level Jace knew something was wrong. He just couldn't pin down exactly what. His only guesses scared him, but then again so did this never ended middle ground. He wasn't quite sure how much longer he could stand the twisted feeling. Then again it wasn't like the feeling overpowered anything, it was just always there. And after all, it wasn't like anything had been directly said. Jace was just going on a hunch, a feeling, an instinct that something was wrong. Maybe everything was fine, and he was making mountains out of molehills.

Which was not what he was supposed to be doing right now. The blank page on his laptop screen would not write itself.

"Unless you want to spend the rest of your life working manual labour and food service, it's time to grow up," Jace grumbled to himself.

After all school was over. Graduation had come and gone while Clary was in Paris. Jace had a bachelors in Sales and Marketing. Now the trouble was figuring out what to do with it. What jobs should he apply for, and where should he apply for them? And how should he tailor his resume so he got the job he wanted?

With a sigh, Jace opened a web browser and began his research on resume building. He knew how to get easily hired for summer jobs, but career jobs were new territory.

But after a few hours of work, Jace was hungry and his mind was too full of wondering what was going on with Clary to think anymore. He decided to call it quits in favour of lunch.

Leaving the library, Jace headed to Malec's place, hoping Paige had made something he could help eat. Walking in without knocking like he always did, Jace announced his arrival.

"Anyone home," Jace called out.

"Over here," Alec's voice answered. Jace followed the sound and saw his best friend sitting on the couch with a console controller in his hand.

"Is Paige around?" Jace asked.

"Nope," Alec replied. "Out. Possibly with Clary. Not totally sure on that one."

"Magnus?" Jace asked.

"My husband is as usual at work," Alec stated. "We get Sundays off together."

"Right," Jace sighed. Then something occurred to him. "Maybe you know something."

"About what?"

"About Clary," Jace explained.

Alec paused his game to turned to Jace. "What's going on?" He looked a bit serious, and Jace knew his voice had given him away.

"She's been acting weird," Jace explained. "It's like there's something just out of reach, or maybe she's just out of reach. I don't notice it sometimes, and others it seems like everything is fine. I just can't figure out which is right."

"All seems kinda murky to me," Alec said.

"Yeah, I know," Jace sighed. "It just feels like she's pulled away from me, or maybe holding something back from me, or maybe I'm just paranoid from all the time apart."

"Where is Clary now?" Alec asked.

"Well, apparently she might be with Paige," Jace reminded Alec of his own words.

"Right," Alec said. "I just meant those two hang out a lot." He paused then added. "Have you talked to Simon about this?"

"No," Jace said. "Haven't really talked to anyone but you so far.

"Fair," Alec replied with a kind smile. "Can't be easy to talk about." Jace shook his head.

"I know what I should really do is ask Clary. It's just going into that without a clue… it's just-" Jace didn't know how to say it.

"I get it," Alec smiled. "I'd be scared too, but you will have to talk to her eventually. If nothing else just to tell her how you feel."

"Maybe I've got it wrong and everything's fine," Jace chipped in hopefully.

"I don't know, man" Alec sighed. "I mean if you feel this way it's gotta be something, even if it's only a miscommunication that's still something."

"Yeah," Jace sighed. To his left a rock, and his right a hard place. Thus Jace was stuck right where he was, unable to move forward or back.

What he needed was a distraction. Picking up the extra controller he challenged Alec to a game. After a few matches though they were so hungry they ordered pizza.

Jace hides from his thoughts and problems at his friends place till well after dark, when he finally made his way home. Clary was home when he arrived but already asleep. He settled in beside her and tried to sleep, hoping the only problems that befell him had been created by his own mind.

Jace woke to the light coming in between the curtains. Stretching his arm he saw that Clary was gone. He sat up and saw her standing by the dresser, getting changed.

"Good morning," he said.

"Morning yourself," Clary smiled. "You were out late."

"I was at Alec's," Jace explained. "How was hanging out with Paige?"

"Accidental," Clary laughed. "We ran into each other while out and about yesterday."

"That's nice," Jace smiled. "So do you wanna hang out today?"

"Maybe," she said. "I have a few things to catch up on."

"It's been weeks now that you've been home," Jace added.

"I know," Clary smiled.

How long had it been like this? Okay, but not okay at the same time. Maybe the start held the key to understanding the why. Had things been off the moment she'd gotten home and he just hadn't realized, or even before her return? Maybe it was a more recent, small easily solved thing, like that time he'd failed to communicate just how much she meant to him due to the distracting lingerie.

For better or worse nothing short of bravery would thaw him out. He just wasn't sure if he had that kind of bravery in him.

"I love you Clary," Jace began. "You know that right?"

"I know," Clary replied smiling up at him. It was easy to ignore the little things when she did this, easy to travel back to a better time and ignore his instincts.

"And you love me?" Jace asked, hoping it was an easy question. Clary just nodded, before moving forward to kiss him on the bed. Somehow Jace didn't feel reassured.

"Are you okay?" he asked. He was getting dangerously close to that cliff he hadn't decided he was brave enough to jump off yet.

"Of course I'm okay," she replied as if automatically.

"Then why don't I believe you when you say that?" Jace asked.

"I-" Clary began, but all of a sudden she seemed lost for words, and Jace knew in that moment his instincts were right.

"You can tell me anything," Jace said gently, resting his hand on her shoulder.

"Just because I can, doesn't mean that I should," Clary stated.

"What does that mean?" Jace replied.

"Sometimes it does no good to tell," Clary said. "Some things don't need to be said."

"I disagree," Jace said, frustration building up and making him feel brave enough to move towards the cliff. He stood up, getting off the bed to stand and face her. The more he got her to say the worse he felt, but there was no turning back now.

"Sharing is always better than keeping things locked inside," Jace told her. "You taught me that."

"I don't know how," she chuckled. "But doesn't that mean you should talk to your mom?"

"I'm not hiding anything from my mother," Jace replied. "She knows how I feel about her sheltering Sebastian."

"But she's your mom," Clary urged. "No matter what she's done, she'll always be your mom."

"Don't change the subject," Jace replied. "I need to know what's different. Something feels wrong Clary, and I just can't deal with this feeling anymore. It's like everything is perfect on the outside and fake on the inside."

He'd done it now.

"Nothing has changed on my end," Jace continued. "So it must be from you."

"When you say you love me," Clary began after a moment's pause. "What does that mean to you?"

Taken aback by her question Jace took a moment to compose his thoughts before answering. "It means you are the first thing I think about when I get up in the morning, and the last thing I think about at night before I sleep. It means just being near you or talking to you improves my day and my life. It means when I look into the future I see you there with me. It means I put you first."

"I'm just trying to understand," Clary said. "I used to tell Simon I loved him when we were together, but that turned out to be platonic family love. I learned so much being with you about passionate love. I remember it so well."

"Remember it?" Jace asked picking up on her past tense.

"I-" Clary said, clearly surprised at her own choice of words.

"Are you trying to tell me that you're just saying the words," Jace spoke as if every word was a knife to the heart. "Because we've said them before."

"I don't know," Clary said, tears forming in her eyes as she fell to her knees.

Jace leaned down next to her, wrapping his arms around her. He couldn't not.

"I don't deserve you," Clary mumbled into his arms.

"You made me," Jace stated.

Clary just shook her head. "My Jace was always inside waiting to come out. If not me someone else would have woken him up."

"Why do you think this Clary?" Jace asked softly.

"Because I- I-," Clary sobbed. "I forgot about you." Her crying interrupted her words for a moment before she continued. "In Paris I mean. I met so many people, saw so many things, and I didn't even miss you. I didn't really think of you. It wasn't until I came back that I realized you hadn't done the same, which means..."

"Means what Clary," Jace replied, trying not to get over emotional, which at the moment was quite possibly due to the numb feeling taking over his mind. It was as if he couldn't process the words she was saying.

"Did I really love you before?" Clary whispered. "If I forgot you so easily?"

"You were distracted," Jace tried to soothe her. "Travelling can be very exciting."

"You don't understand," Clary mumbled.

"Then tell me," Jace said.

"I forgot," Clary mouthed, barely making a sound.

Jace's numb feeling was disappearing, replaced with anger. He stood up, looking down at her now.

"Forgot what Clary?" Jace said firmly. "Forgot you had a boyfriend? Does this mean you picked up a new one?"

Clary's sobs increased which Jace took as a yes. Anger turned to fury, and suddenly Jace just wanted to smash something. The nearest object his hand could reach suffered the consequences. After smashing it to the floor, Jace saw what it is that he'd destroyed. It was one of his nicknacks, a china dog that his mother had got him at a garage sale.

"Let's hear it then!" Jace continued, unable to process what he'd broken in favour of his overwhelming reaction to Clary's words.

She shook her head, but Jace insisted. "Oh no, none of this secret crap. What happened in Paris?"

"There was this one person," Clary began after a long pause. "Beautiful, smart, funny. We spent so much time together. Showed me around, taught me things. I- I hadn't even realized what it was until I was in it."

"Just like I predicted," Jace stopped. "Some french guy swept you off your feet. God, I hate that I was right!"

But Clary was shaking her head again. "It's not what you think."

"Sounds pretty simple to me," Jace barked. "So what's his name then?"

"Julia," Clary whispered.

That stopped Jace cold in his tracks. "Are you telling me you're gay now?" Jace asked, stunned.

"I-" Clary started. "No, I mean… I don't think so. I don't know." She covered her face in her hands again.

"Are you ever going to see her again?" Jace asked.

"I doubt it," Clary replied. "She lives in Paris."

"Okay then," Jace said taking a deep breath. He wasn't sure how to feel, or what to think. "Are you in contact with her?"

"She gave me her phone number before I left," Clary said softly. "But I've never used it."

"Did you guys ever-" Jace wasn't even quite sure how to say it. "Did you do anything, like, physical?"

There was a long silence in which Jace imagined every possible answer.

"She kissed me once," Clary whispered. "I hadn't even realized how I was feeling until she leaned in and-"

"But that's it, right?" Jace asked. Clary nodded, her face still tear stained.

"Good," Jace said firmly. "Then we can put all this behind us and move forward."

"It isn't that easy!" Clary said, suddenly standing up so fast she surprised him.

"Sure it is," Jace said. "We've cleared the air right, so now things should get better."

"I developed feelings for someone else," Clary snapped. "And you can just move past that so easily?"

"Yes," Jace said. "I gave up having kids for you. This is easier to get over, trust me!"

"Wow," Clary gasped, taking a step back. "Are we really gonna fight about this? This is ancient history."

"I don't wanna fight," Jace yelled. "I just want everything like it was."

"Well life has changed," Clary stated. "We can't go back in time."

"But we could get back to the happy place we were before," Jace argued.

"I don't wanna go back," Clary replied softly.

"What are you saying?" Jace whispered, suddenly so scared he could barely move.

"We should have broken up a year ago," Clary said. "We should've met again, and started over like I wanted. Long distance is hard."

Jace had to admit that maybe she was right, but he would never tell her that. Besides, maybe if they'd broken then she'd have returned with this Julia or someone else.

"Is that what you want?" Jace couldn't help but ask the question hanging in the air. "To break up."

"I don't know," Clary replied.

That was it for Jace. He needed some air. Making his excuses, Jace left their bedroom and walked as quickly as he could through the apartment. He got almost to the front door before he realized he was wearing just his boxers. Sure it was June and therefore warm, but that didn't mean his escape was worth going out like this. Jace moved back without a word, and picking up a pair of jeans off the floor, grabbed whatever shirt he saw first and left. Clary didn't say a word.

The walk felt good. The air was warm and full of empty promises. Sure, summer was coming, but that meant winter would return. Outside with the endless sky over him, and wide open spaces before him, Jace felt safer than he had in his bedroom this morning. Looking down as he walked Jace noted the old gum and garbage on the sidewalk. Why hadn't he seen these before? And was it just him, or had the grass been greener yesterday?

His feet took him where he hadn't realized he'd wanted to go. Jace walked into his usual gym with relief. He walked over to the weight machine, put his usual settings on and sat down. After a few reps his mind felt clearer, not better, but clearer. Exercise had always made sense to him. The movement of his muscles against his bones to lift, pull and carry was simple. The same motion repeated over and over. Up, down, up, down, up, down…

"You're back." Though the voice wasn't familiar, Jace did think he'd heard it somewhere else before. Jace turned his head to face the speaker.

It took him a minute to remember her. He'd barely taken in her appearance the last time they'd met.

"Ah, so I see you live at the gym as well," Jace said smiling.

"Not much else to do this time of year," she replied. "Schools over, but life hasn't really started yet."

Like before she was wearing workout clothes that looked as if she'd been here longer than him. But this time Jace bothered to take in more. She had light brown hair, with slight hints of red in it. She wasn't short for a girl, and might even be an inch taller than him if she stood up. From the settings on her machine, Jace suspected she must be on a sports team like him.

"Did you graduate as well?" Jace asked.

"Yes," she replied. "Volleyball scholarship."

"Wrestling," Jace said, pointing to his chest.

"I know," she smiled. "I've been to most of your tournaments. I have a friend who's on your team."

"Okay good," Jace laughed. "Cause for a moment there I was worried we'd reached stalker levels."

She laughed. "I won't pretend you aren't noticeable on this campus, but I'm not quite that bad."

"What did you major in?" Jace asked.

"Accounting," she replied.

"Really?" Jace asked. "Quite a desk job for such an athlete."

She shrugged. "Being an athlete's not a steady paycheck. It's boom or bust, and I don't have what it takes for the olympics."

"That's fair," Jace replied. "Besides, my major is Sales and Marketings so I can't talk."

"My names Annika, by the way," she smiled.

"Jace," he replied, though he was pretty sure she knew his name if she'd been to his wrestling matches. "It's nice to meet you Annika." She smiled at him and Jace felt a bit better.

*Hides behind something heavy* Please don't throw things at me. This has been building for a while. Also sorry for the slow update. Been trying to get back into the groove of writing regularly. Hopefully updates won't be so slow in the future.

Sneak Peek Chapter 158

Well the cats out of the bag now. Maybe she should just try and see. She might never know what happened if she didn't try.

With a deep breath, Clary opened a new text chat from the contacts app and typed out.

'Hey Julia,' she texted. 'This is Clary.'

She hovered over the send key for a just a moment before pressing it. She had to talk, had to figure out what had happened and who she was before she could move forward.

After staring at her phone for a whole minute Clary remember about the time difference. It was late at night there. She shouldn't expect any kind of answer anytime soon.