"Is that what you want?" Jace said. "To break up."

"I don't know," was the only honest answer Clary could give him.

She couldn't even blame him for getting out of there, with an answer like that.

How'd this happened? It didn't quite feel real. She'd decided not to tell Jace what happened in Paris. Clary felt that it was her burden to bare, and he could be spared from it. Her plan, however, had failed miserably in the light of Jace's questions.

Then again, why had she made that decision in the first place? Had it been motivated by guilt, or love? How did she feel about Jace right now? And how could she know what she was feeling was really the same kind of love she remembered?

And then there were the other emotions she hadn't quite figured out. Clary looked down at her phone. She opened the contacts app, and started at the numbers she hadn't been brave enough to use. Julia hadn't taken her number at the airport, so it was all down to Clary to decide if she wanted to ever speak to the woman again.

It was so strange being back home. Clary wasn't quite used to it. Anything seemed possible there, but here she wasn't so sure. Clary wasn't even sure how to define it. She didn't know if she'd developed a friendship so strong that she'd mixed it up with romantic affection, or if she needed to redefine some things about herself.

Everything with Jace at the start had been so passionate, but with Julia, everything had been intimacy and affection without a single hint of passion. It was amazing how different the two situations could be even with her as the same variable in both.

Well, the cats out of the bag now, she thought. Maybe she should just try and see. She might never know what happened if she didn't try.

With a deep breath, Clary opened a new text chat from the contacts app and typed out.

'Hey Julia,' she texted. 'This is Clary.'

She hovered over the send key for a just a moment before pressing it. She had to talk, had to figure out what had happened - and who she was - before she could move forward.

After staring at her phone for a whole minute Clary remember about the time difference. It was late at night there. She shouldn't expect any kind of answer anytime soon.

And in the meantime she had work to do. Thanks to her year abroad, Clary still needed a few credits to graduate, and today she had planned to go sign up for them.

Getting her life back on track would be a great distraction from the absolute mess she'd made of her love life. Slowly, with great care and thought, Clary got dressed and ready for the day. She showered and brushed her hair before selecting her most comfortable clothes and leaving. The detailed work wasn't quite enough to distract her mind from running over everything again and again, but she couldn't think of a better distraction at the moment.

She still couldn't believe Jace had brought up the kids thing again. That hadn't even been a real fight, and they'd talked about it so long ago she'd almost forgotten about it. That had stunned her more than anything else. How important were kids to Jace? The first time they'd talked about it Jace had made it seem like a whim he'd thought of but hadn't considered. But this morning it hadn't felt like that at all. Today it seemed like a sacrifice, a great sacrifice he'd made for her that she hadn't even noticed.

Clary walked into the student center, and she was momentarily distracted from her thoughts by the task of signing up for classes in September. She only had three left that she needed since there hadn't been any credit equivalent courses abroad. She was so close to her bachelor's degree she could almost taste it.

Clary knew without a doubt where her career was going, but the rest of her life didn't make any sense anymore.

"What are you doing here 5th year?"

Clary turned and smiled when she saw her two tone dirty-blonde haired friend wearing her usual bootcut jeans. "Hey Paige."

"Didn't you graduate already?"

Clary shook her head. "Got a few local credits left. Almost done."

"Excellent!" Paige said. "So we get to be students together a little longer at least. I got another year, though at least it will only be a 4 and then a 3 course semester kinda year."

"Those are so much better than the 5 courses a semester years," Clary smiled. "Especially when you're working too."

"Amen!" Paige agreed. "And Magnus has been super great about my super low rent, so I might be able to have at least one easy semester before getting a real job."

"That sounds like Magnus," Clary smiled. "He talks a big game sometimes, but he's a sweetheart. It's been more and more obvious since he fell for Alec."

"Those two are just the cutest," Paige agreed. "If I'm being perfectly honest, I'm kinda jealous of them sometimes. I hate sleeping alone."

"But that is all gonna change for you very soon," Clary grinned. "You have a date set yet?"

"This Saturday," Paige rolled her eyes and gave Clary a look, like it just wasn't that easy. "I agreed to coffee. That's it."

"I call being Maid of Honour at your wedding," Clary grinned at her.

"You are just the worst," Paige whined, but she was smiling.

"Yeah, I know," Clary agreed, seriously.

"Oh cheer up, I'm just teasing," Paige smiled."

"It's not that," Clary said. "It's just that I know what you mean about the jealous of Malec thing.

"Pfft," Paige scoffed. "You have Jace remember? Mr. Love struck puppy who waited almost a year for you so you could go off and live your dreams."

"Yeah," Clary said awkwardly. Paige looked her up and down a moment before speaking.

"What's wrong?" Paige said. "Something's happened."

To avoid speaking for a while Clary moved away from the front desk and out into the hall. Paige followed her.

"We had a fight," Clary said, when she'd checked the hall both ways to make sure they were alone. "A big fight."

"What about?" Paige asked.

"Everything," Clary answered, but with prompting from her friend she went on in detail.

"Wow," Paige whispered, when Clary was done speaking. "That's intense."

"Yeah I know," Clary signed. "I just don't know what to do."

"If you don't love him like he loves you then the kindest thing is to free him," Paige said. "Trust me."

"I just-" Clary tried. "I just don't know, I-"

"Isn't that your answer then?" Paige said. "You don't know you love him like he loves you, therefore you don't."

"I guess," Clary sighed. "But isn't that just giving up? And what if I regret giving up after everything we've been through together?"

"By that definition did I give up on my relationship with Jordan?" Paige asked.

"That was so different!" Clary exclaimed. "He cheated on you!"

Paige raised an eyebrow at Clary. "Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't you just confess to cheating on Jace?"

"I barely kissed one person," Clary disagreed. "Jordan had sex and lied about it."

"You weren't exactly forthcoming either Clary," Paige replied "And really it's the emotion that matters."

"So you think it's more cheating to fall in love with another person than to have sex with them?" Clary clarified.

"I believe so yes," Paige replied. "Meaningless sex is just that, meaningless. The emotion is the part that hurts. Jordan loved Maia, and therefore hurt me. Do you love Julia?"

"I greatly enjoyed her company," Clary answered. "I thought about her all the time. But apart from that one awkward airport kiss, we just held hands." Clary paused then exclaimed in frustration, throwing her hands in the air. "What even is love, and how do you define it?"

"Whoa that's a big meaning of life type question," Paige realeld. "Way out of my ball park."

"I just feel like nothing makes sense," Clary sighed.

"I get that," Paige smiled, placing an encouraging hand on Clary's shoulder.

"And what about the rest of it? What if he really wants kids, like needs them or he'll resent me forever?" Clary asked. "Paige would you give up kids if you fell in love with someone who didn't want them?"

"No," Paige said without hesitation. "But I'm not Jace."

"I suppose," Clary sighed.

"Don't decide anything right now," Paige told her. "Come on."

Paige put an arm around Clary's shoulder. She didn't even argue; she just followed. Within the hour Clary was on Alec's couch enjoying the distractions of cats and video games. Listening to Alec talk about his frustrations with his husband's antics made Clary smile. They were such small things, easily solved, and yet mulled over and vented about as if there were a big deal. The problem seemed to be that Magnus hadn't put the lid on the toothpaste since they'd changed the brand they've been buying, and Alec was considering going back to the one he doesn't like just to keep that lid where it was supposed to be. This had been just what Clary needed today.

"I mean come one!" Alec groaned. "Like how hard is it to put the lid back on? It takes like two seconds. In fact, I'm sure I've spent more time nagging him about doing it than it would actually have taken him to accomplish."

"There there," Paige said while trying not to laugh.

Watching the whole thing unfold made Clary smile. Clary was definitely happy for, and jealous of her friends.

Many video games and cat cuddles later, they were getting hungry. Alec tried to order pizza, but Paige put her foot down and cooked.

"I hope she never moves out," Alec told Clary when Paige was out of earshot in the kitchen. "She cooked better than my mother." Clary couldn't contain her laughter at the look on Alec's face. Despite her best efforts, a snort got out.

It wasn't until after they'd all finished eating Paige's wonderful cooking, and Alec had confessed to Clary that he only threatened to order pizza when he knew Paige would stop him, that Paris woke up.

'Oh hey Clary!' Julia's text replied. 'I was starting to think you'd never text me. How are you?'

'Fine,' Clary lied. 'How are you?'

'I'm doing okay,' Julia's text read. 'Still trying to figure out what happened between us though.'

'OMG yes me too,' Clary replied quickly.

'I'm sorry I kissed you. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable,' Julia texted, with a bit of a wait between texts. 'I know you have a boyfriend and I shouldn't have. It's just you were leaving and I so wanted to try and see.'

'See what?'

'Well we'd gotten so close,' Julia texted. 'And I hadn't felt that way before with a guy and I just needed to know.'

'What did you figure out,' Clary asked.

'Not totally sure,' Julia texted back. 'I've been googling, trying to find a word that feels like it fits for me.

'The only thing I've found that I liked was Demisexual,' Julia continued. 'It seems to matter more to me who a person is rather than what they look like, but that doesn't mean I should have used you as my guinea pig. So again sorry.'

'It's alright,' Clary texted. 'I will admit I'd been kinda curious about that myself while we'd been spending time together which felt very strange to me since as far as I know I'm straight.'

'Oh you are,' Julia replied with a smiling emoji. 'Don't worry. But no one's really 100% anything. Even the straightest of humans have some curiosity in them. ;)'

'Thanks,' Clary replied. 'That actually makes me feel better.'

'Anytime,' Julia texted. 'If you don't mind, I'd like to stay in touch, penpal style. Friends?'

'Friends,' Clary typed.

She felt lighter somehow. Maybe this was a sign. Maybe she was supposed to make things right with Jace. Do the work. After everything she'd done, she owned him at least that right?

Clary made her way home late. She was fairly sure she'd just been putting off seeing Jace, and facing up to what was next. But everyone has to go home sometime. Sleeping at Malec's would have been a different level of avoidance altogether.

Clary walked up to her front door, and pushed it open, her heart pounding a little louder out of nerves. Would he be home?

At first she couldn't tell, but then she heard a chair moving across the floor and knew he was at his computer.

"Hey," Clary called out.

"Hey," Jace's voice replied. She walked towards the sound and soon stood beside his desk.

"How was your day?" Clary asked him.

"Went to the gym," Jace replied.

"Did it help?" Clary inquired.

"Actually it did," Jace said.

"I'm glad," Clary smiled.

"How was your day?" Jace echoed.

"Signed up for classes," Clary answered.

"That's good," Jace stated.

There was silence after that. They'd exhausted the available small talk. Clary had a feeling he was also putting off finishing their fight. But then she noticed Jace was studying her.

"You don't even look that upset," Jace whispered after a moment. "You just look like Clary."

It was true. Jace's eyes were darker somehow, his face gault. He looked like he'd been crying.

"I don't know what to say," Clary whispered. She did feel horrible, but compared to him she didn't look it.

"It's my turn to talk," Jace said, his voice stronger now. He took a deep breath before speaking.

"You were supposed to be the person who made everything okay," Jace said. "The one who's returned make me whole again, but instead you've broken me."

"I'm sorry," Clary said. She didn't know what else to day.

"I don't remember the last time I was truly happy," Jace continued. "Alec's wedding comes to mind. I had so much faith then, that we could survive anything. I'm not a religious person. Belief in us is the only thing I've ever put my faith in, and I think you've broken that."

"I-" Clary stammed. She could feel what was coming next, but she suddenly didn't want it.

"I need time Clary," Jace said softly, as if every word hurt. "I need to heal, and then maybe we can get to know each other again."

Clary could feel the silent tears running down her cheeks now. "I understand," she said softly. "I want you to be happy, Jace. I love you."

"So you think," Jace smiled.

"What we think shapes the world," Clary told him. "Can we still keep in touch?"

But Jace was shaking his head. "I can't handle watching what comes next. I know I could never handle seeing you with someone else. If I can't be with you, than I can't be near you. At least not yet."

"Well, whenever you are ready, I'll be here," Clary stated firmly.

"You don't have to promise me anything," Jace told her.

"I know," Clary replied. "But if you wanna talk just know I'm here anytime, okay?"

Jace nodded.

"What are we gonna do about the apartment?" Clary asked.

"A problem for tomorrow," Jace said. "Sleep beside me, just one more time?"

"Of course," Clary smiled through her tears.

And now for guest review replies. It seems no one wanted to log in this time. Lol Oh btw if you do log in I answer with a PM.

Guest Review 01:
I don't know...should I just forget this story? This fucking hurt a lot.

Reply 01:
That's your call. All I can do is try and write an engaging story. All I can say is that sometimes life hurts and so stories do to. Darkness makes the light brighter.

Guest Review 02:
Wow. Waited for chapters after chapters for the Clace and now this. Is Clace going to be fucked up also like the perfect Paige-Jordan perfectness to give way for the Maia-Jordan thing? I hope you gve Clace their chance for a happy ending too. I won't mnd if you don't write another chapter for Clace, but only after they get back to that place before. They're an inspiration then, please please don't shatter it for good. They have strong foundation and that is way stronger than just months of being apart because of confusion. Jaxe's heart is steady, they're mature now, Clace could get through this.

Please don't get offended if I sounded forceful. You wrote and built a strong Clace here that inspired and made Clace fans happy like me. It's just fanfiction but not many stories would stuck and get through the heart. This one does. Please?

Reply 02:
First of all don't worry. I'm not offended. :)

Second Paige and Jordan I hadn't actually meant to write as 'perfect'. I just kinda forgot to write about them for a while so they seemed like everything was fine. I had meant to show that relationship as less intense and romantic and more easy and convenient. Not sure if it turned out that way since a surprising number of people were rooting for Paige and Jordan. :D

Not sure what you meant in that next part about me not writing more Clace chapters. Yes Jace's heart is steady fur sure. It seems it's Clary's heart that's in question.

Guest Review 03:
160 chapters and this. Clace inspired me in this story. But now...this is heart breaking. I hope after this the Clace that you have built would be stronger and change for the better. Life is short. I'll stick with them till the end. Please unbreak my heart.

Reply 03:
Unbreaking hearts is my usual MO. Life is long and soulmates do always find each other again.

Guest Review 04:
Wth didn't expect that

Reply 04:
Glad to hear it! At least I surprised someone. It seems quite a few people were expecting this.

Guest Review 05:
Please more

Reply 05:
More is on the way!

Sneak Peek Chapter 159 (NEW POV)

If he didn't like her in her bootcut jeans and t-shirt than it was his loss. After brushing her teeth and washing her face, Paige threw her hair in a ponytail and headed out. She was sure Alec was still sleeping and suspected Magnus was already on his way to the museum. How that man worked so much she had no idea, though the few times she'd pointed it out to him he'd disagreed, saying she worked just as much since she kept cooking for them. In the end they'd agreed to disagree.

It wasn't too hot and really Paige could have just walked to the cafe, but what was the point in owned a vehicle if you didn't drive it, right? Besides it was Saturday. Saturday morning, which also meant there were so few cars on the road she made it with time to spare. Feeling sure she was here before him, Paige walked in and moved toward the counter to order her drink.

To her great surprise she saw a man sitting at the table in the corner with the bright red jacket her mystery texter told her he'd be wearing. Suddenly flustered, she didn't indicate that she'd seen him. Instead she focused on ordering a drink and gathering her thoughts.

She was at least ten minutes early, which meant he'd been even earlier. Suddenly feeling like this date might be worth getting out of bed for, Paige paid for her drink and went to stand by the counter to wait for it.