They returned from the grocery store laden down with bags. Jace had offered to pay, but his mother's reply had been firm. This year plum pudding would be her Christmas treat, and he wasn't to pay for it under any circumstances.
"But didn't your plane tickets cost a lot?" Jace argued. His mother was a school teacher and Jace knew she didn't make a lot of money. Besides it was his kitchen they were cooking in.
"Never you mind about that," Celine replied. "Now let's get started on this recipe of yours."
It had been a long time since Jace had watched his mother cook. He had forgotten how relaxing it was.
"Oh ,don't put the eggs in the fridge," Celine called as Jace was about to do just that. "They need to be room temperature." Jace did as he was told, though he couldn't understand how that would make a difference.
Jace watched her cream together butter and sugar, then slowly beat each room temperature egg into the mix one at a time. Next she combined the dry ingredients. There was a confidence about his mother whenever she was in the kitchen. Jace could remember knowing without a shadow of a doubt when he'd been small that nothing she made could ever taste bad.
"Here you can zest the orange," Celine smiled at him, gesturing to the grater and the fruit.
It took him a moment to remember what zesting a fruit was. Jace had helped Celine cook, even less recently than he'd been an observer. Sure, Jace knew how to make a tuna sandwich and mix broccoli into his mac and cheese, but that didn't mean he felt of use in the kitchen when his mother was in it.
Cautiously Jace picked up the grater and the citrus fruit and began scrapping the orange peel off, feeling very much like a fish out of water.
"Yes just like that," Celine told him, looking up from the bowl in front of her into which she was combining all manner of yummy looking things like dates, raisins, plums and currents.
"Perfect. I need one tablespoon of the zest right into the dry ingredients," Celine instructed. "Then it's time to mix everything together."
Despite himself Jace was smiling. He just couldn't be upset or anxious while he watched her fold everything together and put it into the pan. The meditative nature of the activity calmed him just as much now as it has when he was a kid. Jace felt all of a sudden very grateful that she was here.
Celine wrapped it all in tin foil then secured it with a string before placing the whole thing on the stove in a water bath. She then brought the water to a boil.
"There," Celine said, staring at her creation. "Now we just have to let it steam for a couple hours."
"I am so glad I didn't attempt this by myself," Jace said. "It looked even more complicated than the recipe made it out to be."
"I'm glad we got to make it together," Celine replied.
"Um yeah," Jace mumbled. "So what do you wanna do for a couple hours?"
"Sitting on the couch would be nice," she answered with a sigh. She had, after all, been on her feet since she'd arrived. "I'll have to get up to add more water before it's done anyway so I don't wanna go too far, and my feet are so tired."
Silently agreeing to this, Jace walked over to sit down. He wasn't really sure what to say. Before this last year, Jace had never had an awkward silence with his mother in all his life. It was almost more strange than not talking to her all year had been.
"Oh, I almost forgot to ask," Jace said as a topic suddenly came to him. "How did you get in anyway?"
"What do you mean?"
"The intercom," he explained. "I assume that was you, but I never let you in."
"Someone from a different floor happened to open the door and I snuck in," Celine answered.
"Such a rebel," Jace laughed.
There was silence for a moment, though not quite as awkward as before, which Jace was thankful for at least. It was still strange sitting here with her, not talking. For as long as Jace could remember he'd always had something to say to his mother. Usually mundane things like how his day had gone, or what had happened at school, or some such small event in his life. When he'd been young what he called small events now had felt huge.
"So any thoughts on what you want to do now post graduation?" Celine asked after a while. Jace was glad she'd broken the silence.
"Nothing new since June," Jace replied with a sigh. It was true that he'd finished his bachelor's degree months ago, but that didn't mean he'd figured anything out yet. "I'm still just working at the docks, lifting crates and stuff." He shrugged then added, "Student job, but it pays the bills now just the same as before graduation."
"I know how hard you worked to get your scholarship," Celine continued. "And if this makes you happy I'll back off, but I think you'd really enjoy putting to use the education you worked so hard to obtain."
"Yeah," Jace replied, uncomfortably.
"My son has a bachelor's degree in Marketing," Celine said proudly. "And that's something you managed all on your own. Without any financial help from me. Not many people can say that."
"I know for sure Alec can't," Jace chuckled.
"Ah yes I remember you telling me," Celine laughed with him. "He didn't much like you when you two were stuck as roommates that first year."
"Times sure have changed," Jace sighed.
"In more ways than one," Celine said, almost in a whisper. There was a moment's pause then she added in a small cautious voice. "I know it's not my place to ask but-"
Jace replied with a sigh and a shake of his head, "Spit it out if you're gonna."
"Why did you and Clary break up?" Celine asked, quickly. "I mean I know she was abroad for a while and that was hard, but I always thought you two would figure it out when she got back."
"You know sometimes I don't quite remember myself, mom," Jace said with a deep exhale. "What I do remember is how much it hurt, but the actual reasons are all a mess in my head now."
"Was it just about her not messaging you while she was away?" Celine continued. "Because that could have been nerves or anything. Even being busy."
"No it wasn't just that," Jace replied. "There was something different about her when she got back, and then she told me about this person who'd been flirting with her the whole trip and finally kissed her in the airport before she left. And, well, it kinda went downhill from there."
"Did Clary actually cheat on you with this person?" Celine inquired.
"Honestly," Jace said slowly. "I'm not sure. Maybe a little emotional confusion, but it's not like she's with them now or anything."
"I wonder," Celine said, reaching forward to touch his face like she had when he was a kid. "I noticed when you two came to visit me, the way you looked at her, it was like you were putting her above everyone and everything else in the entire world. Sometimes the love in your eyes quite took my breath away." She paused, lowering her hand. "Is it possible that you built her up in your mind, imagined her to be brighter, better, more perfect than any actual living human could possibly be? All that time apart, and it's easy to forget someone's flaws. Do you think this could have had anything to do with putting her on a pedestal?"
"I've actually never thought about it that way," Jace answered.
"Just a thought," Celine smiled. "I don't want to tell you what to do, but I've never seen you happier than you were with Clary and I wouldn't want to see you lose that over something that could be overcome."
"I suppose you have a point," Jace said.
"I believe Clary still values your happiness," Celine continued. "I just don't think she has much hope left that she is part of that happiness."
"Hope?" Jace asked. His mother nodded, but Jace was still confused.
"Yes Jace, hope," Celine smiled at him. "It is after all what makes the world go round."
"You mean you think Clary still hopes to be together again someday?" Jace asked her, still feeling like he had to be understanding her wrong.
"I think she hopes that more than anything," Celine smiled back.
It hadn't seemed that way to him. From the moment she'd left for Paris, Jace had become a less and less important part of Clary's life. Until one day Jace had realized being with her, and yet nowhere near her had hurt more than the idea of losing her completely. So he'd made a choice to end it before it ripped apart on it's own. Like a surgeon cutting open an abscess before it burst.
"Wait a minute why do you think this?" Jace asked, bringing his mind back to the present. "Have you talked to her lately?"
"I can't answer that," Celine replied calmly.
Jace rolled his eyes. "Why not?" he asked with narrowed eyes.
"A little bird told me not to," she smiled.
"Are you trying to imply that the 'little bird' who told you I was alone for Christmas is actually Clary?" Jace asked, but his mother only put her fingers together and made a motion over her lips as if to zip them shut.
"Fat lot of help you are," Jace huffed.
"Oh look at that I think it's time to add more water to the steam bath," Celine said innocently as she got up to return to the kitchen, leaving Jace with far more questions than answers.
How much had he actually understood the events of last June? He remembered so perfectly the emotions, but the actual events and words surrounding them had become so tangled in his mind. Had he truly listened to her? Had she listened to him? It had been Clary's love for him that had been in question, he remembered that much. But what did it say about his love for her that he hadn't been willing to work through it? And had his unwillingness to see her as a human with flaws been part of the reason he'd given up so quickly? From the beginning, he'd been the one always making mistakes, always saying sorry for failing at things like not noticing how insecure she was, or automatically checking out other women. Then the first time she messes up, he bails? Had he been looking for a reason for it to fail? Was it kids? Did Jace need to have kids to be happy? No one else he knew his age was thinking like this, well except for Paige. Kids would or wouldn't happen, but were they worth planning his life around? Actually now that he came to think about it, he'd never asked Clary why she didn't want kids. What if the answer mattered?
And what about his career? The chances were he wouldn't live here forever. What if one day his job took him away from here, away from the potential of ever having Clary in his life again.
School was over. Life loomed ahead. The question was, what did Jace want his life to look like? Sure, he could live day by day, never planning, never working towards a goal. Kinda like he was doing now. And yes, taking it day by day had - he believed - helped him heal these last few months, but when was his time up? When did he need to really take a long hard look at his future and decide what mattered to him most?
Jace shook his head, trying to clear it. Way too many serious thoughts for a family holiday.
"Sorry that took so long," Celine said as she returned to sit with him. "It should be good now until it's finished."
"I think you might be right, mom," Jace sighed, covering his face with his hands. "Relationships take effort, and I think I gave up when it got hard."
"Ah ah lift that chin," his mother said, smiling as she encouraged him to look up. "That isn't what I wanted you to understand."
"What then?"
"I just wanted you to remember how happy you once were, and think of if you wanted to go after that happiness in the future," she explained. "Mistakes can be made on either side, but as long as the love is valued on both sides there is always hope."
"How can you be so optimistic?" Jace asked. "I mean have you ever been in love?"
"I loved your father," Celine explained.
"But he abandoned us," Jace snapped. "He doesn't deserve your love."
"Love has nothing to do with what someone deserves," Celine answered. "The heart wants what it wants, regardless of anything else. It can't be bought or borrowed or stolen. The heart can only be gifted. Your father may not have loved me as much as I loved him, but my love for him gave me you. Which I will forever be grateful for."
Jace could feel tears pooling in his eyes yet they did not fall as he reached out to hug his mother. In that moment he promised himself never to cut her out again, no matter what reasons he believed he had. She was his family and he needed her.
I hope everyone had a safe and happy holiday. ^_^ Hasn't even been a week since I updated but the next two chapters are almost done so I thought why not? What does everyone think of Celine's observations and Jace's reflecting on past events? ;)
Sneak Peek Chapter 183
Then Maia finished stretching and made a run for the door, calling him a slow poke for being behind even though he'd been waiting for her! Luckily Jordan had the key; she beat him to the door but they stepped through together. He'd been expecting a cabin feel, but this place was more like a home. There were pictures on the wall of a family, and many tiny shoes in the front closet. Apart from that it had been prepared for them. The kitchen was on the left with dishes set out with a note Jordan couldn't read from the entrance way. On their right was a hallway likely leading to bedrooms and a bathroom. In front of them was the living room, opening onto a balcony, all with a huge view of the lake. The whole back wall had windows from floor to ceiling so you could sit beside the gas fireplace and look out over the water.
Heading back out to the car, they gathered up their bags and the cooler, bringing everything back inside and putting it away.
"This place is amazing," Maia exclaimed happily, as she finished putting away the food and really took a look around.