More than anything, Alec wished Magnus had joined them for Christmas instead of working right through till New Year's. Sure, he was there in the evenings for a couple hours, and yes - Alec saw him in the morning, but it was just like it had been for months: shallow. Alec could tell Magnus was still holding back, going through the motions of their marriage instead of being in it with him.
Magnus always got up before him and was out the door with nothing but a peck on the cheek before Alec felt completely awake. If only he could make Magnus stay, then maybe everything would be okay? Alec knew this was an irrational thought, yet somehow he couldn't shake it. It felt like Magnus's work was the enemy or the problem to be solved, when really he knew it had to be more than that. Rationally, Alec knew Magnus was hiding in his work, but emotionally he felt like he was competing with Magnus's job for his husband's attention.
Apart from his fears for his marriage, everything else over the holidays went smoothly enough. Max was overjoyed to see them all. His mother's cooking was exceptional, as always. Izzy snuggled up with Simon the whole time, almost to the point that Alec wanted to avert his gaze. He could at least tell his sister was happy, even if he didn't really want to see it. Simon did spend quite a while on the phone catching up with his mother and sister on Christmas day which was only to be expected, even if Izzy did look annoyed to be neglected. Sometimes Alec thought Simon had the patience of a saint to put up with his sister, but other times it was as if she was putting up with him. Alec supposed that in the end it probably all worked out pretty evenly. Seeing Izzy so happy with Simon only further made Alec feel lonely as he remembered similar moments of love he'd shared with Magnus.
All in all, Alec was happy when the holidays ended and his parents and little brother flew home. This couldn't go on forever. Alec hadn't wanted to spoil the holidays with any drama, especially since his parents didn't know anything was wrong. If his worst fears were true, he had wanted at least one more Christmas together before he forced the issue. Alec couldn't bear this limbo much longer, let alone forever. He'd have to force Magnus to talk to him even if the idea of really bringing it up scared the life out of him.
When Alec returned home from seeing his parents off at the airport he was surprised to find Magnus home, and hanging out with Jace.
It wasn't until a few minutes later that Alec realized having Jace there made it hard to start any private conversation. Still, Alec was also happy to catch up with his friend. He'd felt bad about leaving Jace all alone, and had planned to invite Jace to his family's celebrations until Clary had told him her idea. Jace had needed his mother more than a holiday with someone else's family. Alec was very happy to hear about Jace's Christmas of forgiving.
"It was so freaking delicious," Jace said as he described the plum pudding his mother had made.
"I'm glad you had a good holiday," Alec smiled back. They were all sitting around in the living room talking, a cat sleeping on everyone's lap except Jace's.
"Yeah," Jace replied. "A surprisingly good holiday. Anyway enough about me. How was yours?"
"Fine," Alec answered easily. "Izzy and Simon had a great time, and it was nice to see Max."
"Oh yeah how old is that little brother of yours now?" Jace asked.
"Ten... going on thirty," Alec laughed. "Kid thinks he's so grown up. It's adorable."
"Just wait till he's grown up and you're old," Jace chuckled. "Then he'll really give you a run for your money."
"Gee thanks," Alec replied sarcastically. Then he looked at his phone for the time. "If you don't want to run into Clary you might want to go. She and Paige are due home soon."
"That's okay," Jace replied. "I- I mean I've actually been thinking alot about that lately."
"This oughta be good," Alec said, giving Jace his full attention.
"This whole time it felt like she was at fault and I was wronged, but looking back at it now with new eyes I'm seeing things... differently," Jace explained.
"Good differently, or bad differently?" Magnus asked.
"Depends on your perspective I guess," Jace replied. "Either way I'm not worried about getting out of here before Clary gets home."
"Well that's progress at least," Alec smiled at him. "It's so much work when my friends won't be in the same room together."
"Way to make this about you!" Jace roared with laughter as he launched himself off the couch and tackled Alec.
"Not fair!" Alec whined as he felt all his limbs become immobilized. "Pro wrestler vs rich kid. I surrender. I surrender!"
Jace let go, still laughing as he said, "I'm not a pro wrestler. School's over. Scholarship requirements no longer have a say in my life."
"Previously a pro wrestler who still goes to the gym vs me is unfair," Alec whined.
"I ask that you kindly not break my husband," Magnus chuckled lightly.
Alec's attention was instantly diverted. His eyes snapped onto Magnus. It was the first time he'd heard Magnus's real laughter in so long, but the joy in his eyes faded quickly under Alec's intense gaze.
"What's wrong Alexander?" Magnus asked.
"I miss your laugh," Alec said. "Your real laugh."
No one spoke for a few long minutes. Alec wanted to continue the conversation, to broach those topics he was scared to say, but then they were suddenly interrupted by the girls coming home.
"Hello all," Paige's voice called out. The moment was shattered and everyone turned to greet her.
Clary followed in behind her. Alec watched as she saw that Jace was there. A very natural looking smile appeared on her face as she saw him. Jace waved back, his expression lighter than Alec had seen it in ages.
"Did you have a good holiday?" Clary asked Jace. If Alec had to describe the look on her face, it would have been as if no one else in the room existed save Jace.
"Surprisingly so," Jace replied kindly. "And it seems I have a little birdy to thank."
"The only bird I know of who attends Christmas dinners is usually on the table with a side of cranberry sauce," Clary replied easily. Alec had to give her credit for the excellent poker face.
Jace's expression looked inquisitive as if he hadn't quite gotten the answer he wanted, but he was still determined to try and figure it out.
"So I've already told Clary this on the plane ride home," Paige addressed the group at large. "But I wanted to tell you two personally before you hear it through the instantly fast gossip chain we all seem to be part of." She was looking at Alec and Magnus as she spoke, a big smile on her face.
"Jon asked me to move in with him," Paige explained. "Though since he lives in my old apartment we decided to get a new place together." She moved to within arms reach of where Magnus and Alec were before adding, "And even though I'll be moving out soon, I just want to thank you both so much for taking me in when I really needed it. I won't forget your generosity in sharing your home with me."
"You made it a home," Magnus smiled at her.
"Nah, you two do that all on your own," Paige disagreed. "The Malec homestead takes in all the lost sheep."
"You've been spending too much time with Clary," Alec said in monotone at the nickname she's come up with for them.
"As one of those lost sheep I agree with Paige," Clary stood up for her friend. "And it's not my fault your names go together so well. I'm still working on a good ship name for my brother and Paige."
"Pon was not my favourite," Paige chuckled.
"Jige wasn't so bad," Clary defended her nicknames. "Like a happy jig, just with an e at the end."
Clearly giving up on arguing with her, Magnus just moved closer and pulled Paige in for a hug. Alec followed suit, moving forward to wrap his arms around Paige along with his husbands. "We are gonna miss you," Alec told her.
"Me, or my baking?" Paige chuckled. "Nah, I know it's both."
"Good," Magnus stated firmly as he pulled out of the hug. "Cause it's both for sure."
"We still have to find a place and pack up and everything, so you are stuck with me a little longer," Paige smiled at them.
Everyone agreed that it was actually her that was stuck with them after that, though they all said it a little differently. Clary and Paige went to their room to unpack. Jace said goodbye as he had to work in about an hour. Then they were alone.
Alec knew Paige and Clary could probably hear them through the open door, but it was still more alone than they'd been in a while. Even so, Alec didn't speak. There were so many things he wanted to say that he hadn't a clue how to start, and he wasn't sure Clary and Paige wanted to overhear.
Then suddenly his excuses were over. The girls returned to the living room to announce they were going out. Clary had plans with Izzy, and Paige was going apartment hunting with Jon. The door shut behind them and Alec was totally alone with his husband for what felt like the first time in forever.
"How come you aren't working today?" Alec asked slowly.
"They forced me to use some of my vacation days," Magnus explained. "Said I had too many banked, and my other job didn't have any shifts today. Do you not want me home?"
"Of course I want you home!" Alec replied firmly. He took a deep breath before steeling himself to finally rip off the band aid. "All I want is you home with me, it's just that hasn't happened in a while." Alec paused for a moment before continuing. "It's like lately you haven't wanted to be alone with me."
Still Magnus didn't speak.
"It wasn't your fault I lost my car," Alec continued. "I didn't need you to buy me a new one. All I need is you, my husband, here with me."
"I am here," Magnus said. "And it was my father's fault. I wanted to make it up to you."
"Kids aren't responsible for their parents' mistakes Magnus," Alec exclaimed. "Never in a million years would I have blamed you for what happened."
"Even so, I wanted to make it right," Magnus continued.
"Okay," Alec said again, taking a deep breath. "I can understand that, even if I don't agree." He looked up from his feet and gazed into his husband's eyes. "But if that was all that was wrong, it would have ended when you gave me the car."
"What would have ended, Alexander?" Magnus asked.
"This!" Alec exclaimed, throwing his arms in the air. "This going through the motions you are doing. This avoiding me by working non-stop for months!" The energy left his voice as his arms fell and he added in a small voice. "Why?" He received no reply so Alec forced himself to be more specific. "Why are you pulling away from me?" Tears were pooling in his eyes now as he finally spoke the words he'd been too scared to say aloud. "Are you done with me? Do you want out of this marriage?"
Alec looked up, to see tears in Magnus's eyes as well. The expressionless calm poker face he'd had on for months had shattered, exposing such overwhelming raw emotion Alec hardly knew what to think.
"I'm sorry," Magnus sobbed, falling to the ground and curling into a ball.
"Shhh," Alec tried to sooth him, rushing forward to put his arms around his husband.
"I never meant for you to think-" Magnus managed to say through his sobs. "I was trying to keep everything okay, trying to hold it all together."
"For better or worse," Alec whispered. "You don't ever have to put up a front with me."
And then suddenly words came pouring out of Magnus, like water escaping a dam.
"I never knew my mom," Magnus said. "But Aleida always talked well of her when I was young, and I never really thought much about it. That is until- until John. He made me question everything about who I am. How much of Aleida's words had been her humoring a child? What if he wasn't lying? If my mother did have me in prison wouldn't that make me the product of two monsters, not just one?"
It was the first time Magnus had mentioned any details about how John had upset him so much last September. Alec hardly cared what the man had said. All that mattered to him was how it had affected his husband. Alec had never seen Magnus cry like this before, crying with his whole being, like the sobs came from his very soul. It hurt to watch the one he loved in so much pain.
"It doesn't matter how you got started," Alec explained. "It only matters who you became. Who you are."
Magnus was shaking his head. "It does matter Alec," Magnus said. His voice broke like he was still crying, but Alec couldn't see his face. Magnus hid his expression behind his hands as he spoke. "What right does a monster have to stand beside you?" Magnus's sobbing increased, and Alec struggled to make out his words through the tears. "And yet I am too selfish to give you up. I need you too badly." Magnus's arms gripped the front of Alec's shirt so tightly Alec felt sure it might rip - not that he cared about his clothes at the moment. His husband was crying, yet it was relief that washed over him. Finally, Alec understood. Magnus still wanted him, and everything was going to be okay.
"You are NOT a monster," Alec said with all the authority he could muster. "And you stand beside me because, more than anything else in the world, I want you here with me. I need you here with me just as much as you need me. More even!"
"It can't be more," Magnus disagreed in a small voice, sniffing from his tears.
"You super don't understand how much I love you," Alec whispered back. "It's the reason I married you. The past isn't the point. You - as you are now - matter. I married you because I couldn't bear the thought of spending a day of my life without you." Alec paused to lightly kiss Magnus's forehead before continuing. "How dare you think anything about your past could change how much I need the other half of my soul."
"It really doesn't matter to you?" Magnus asked softly, looking up to gaze into Alec's face, awe and wonder in his gaze. "Where I come from?"
"Of course it matters," Alec replied. "Everything about you matters to me, because every piece of your past helped shape who you are today. I want to know everything. I want to share every burden." He gently cupped his husband's face in his hands, making eye contact before adding, "Knowing where you came from and who you became, I can't help but be proud of who you are."
Magnus's eyes went very wide, his mouth slightly open.
"So very proud," Alec repeated, moving to kiss both Magnus's cheeks. "To become the wonderful kind forgiving person you are now is impressive enough on its own, but to know how far you had to come to get there makes the journey all the more admirable."
Feeling the need, Alec wrapped his arms around Magnus and hugged him tight with all his might.
"It makes me love you more," Alec whispered into his husband's shoulder, hoping to push all his worries and fears out with just the grip of his embrace.
Gonna make a confession here. This Malec moment was brought to you by Buffy Season 5 Episode 6 Title: Family. Alec's response to Magnus's family of monsters was inspired by Willow's response to Tara's family of monsters.
Also big news! Both my beta readers have just uploaded. Coffeeandliterature has updated her story after a very long hiatus due to her work schedule going to hell thanks to covid-19. And my new Beta Connie Brown has uploaded chapter one of her first story. I've been editing it for her and have read the later chapters so I can tell you it's gonna be good guys! Please go check out their stories.
Coffeeandliterature's story is called 'The Chef and his CEO'
Connie Brown's story is called 'No Time for Love'
What did everyone think of the way all this Malec drama came to a close? Satisfied? I always love to hear what you guys think. ^_^
Is anyone reading my other currently updating Malec story 'Forever Flows from Friendship'? Because it's had quite a few updates since I last updated R&S. :) Also it's low on reviews guys. ^_^ Just saying.
Sneak Peek Chapter 185
The look on his face made Magnus smile, a simple genuine smile and yet it felt like everything. He'd been going through the motions for so long it felt strange to smile naturally, strange and wonderful.
When the girls came home again some hours later, Magnus and Alec were still shut up in their bedroom. Alec, it seemed, was unwilling to let go of him and Magnus didn't mind. He too had missed his husband though as he'd been so preoccupied with work and trying not to think, time had not felt so slow to him as it seemed to have felt for Alec.
"You should talk to your aunt," Alec said again when they returned to the topic. "Don't just take his word for it. For all you know he was lying. Call her and talk it out or better yet use those vacation days and go see her."
"Yeah you're right," Magnus said with a deep exhale of breath. The idea had occurred to him before, but he'd been too scared to do it, too scared to learn it was all true. He was still scared, but somehow the idea that it was true didn't frighten him now as it had before.