Upon hearing about Simon and Izzy's engagement, Clary couldn't help but be happy for them, even if she didn't want to admit to being envious of that happiness. She was glad Simon had found someone worthy of him, someone who loved him way better than she ever could. Clary could almost see the glow of excitement coming off Izzy the next time she saw her. Clary tried to remind herself she was happy for her friends and not dwell on all she'd lost.

Even so it was still hard. Clary worked with bubbly bridezilla Isabelle, and she lived with soulmate Malec. Sometimes it was all a bit too much. She felt like she was bringing everyone else down, and had to keep up the air of energy and contentment while they were around. These days Clary craved solitude more than she ever had before. When she was alone she could let go of her fake happy smiles and just be, but with people she always felt like she had to keep up appearances so she didn't make them feel bad for her.

Clary wanted her friends to be happy! She just didn't have enough happiness inside her right now to be happy with them. Somehow that felt like letting them down as friends, and Clary didn't like that feeling so she'd gotten into the habit of taking her laptop to the library or a coffee shop rather than going right back to the apartment after work. Sometimes when she had a bit more energy than usual she made plans after work with Izzy. Mostly those plans involved some kind of shopping trip where Izzy bought many things, and Clary tagged along to offer an opinion. Clary liked her job at Alicante Attire with Isabelle even if it was part time, and didn't pay over minimum wage. Staying with Magnus and Alec had cut her living cost way down which was how she'd been able to save up for Celine's plane tickets. Overall, the job was good enough for now. Clary had a lot of other things in her life to sort out before she worried about finding a career style job. The main one of those being Jace.

No matter how she tried to keep her thoughts Jace-free, Clary kept going over and over her last conversation with Jace in her mind. It had been the first time they'd really talked about the big stuff they'd been too scared to talk about before. Clary could remember only too well the terror in her heart when Jace had first asked her the question: do you want kids?

A part of her had thought he'd dump her right there on the spot when she gave her answer because what woman doesn't want kids? Women were supposed to want kids, right? And she was the freak who wanted an empty uterus all her life. When she was younger Clary had always been told she'd change her mind, like there was something wrong with her decision. So far the only thing 'wrong' with Clary's decision had been losing the love of her life.

She missed Jace, like a constant ache in her chest. Living in the same town, but emotionally apart from him had her pining for him in a way 3,726 miles hadn't. There had been so many distractions in Paris, so much to keep her head from really listening to her heart, but now that she was finally taking the time to pay attention to her own feelings, Clary knew with perfect clarity what she wanted; she wanted Jace.

Clary had never been any good at showing affection. She could still remember the conversion she and Jace had had at Malec's wedding before she'd left for Paris. The one where Jace made it plainly clear he believed he couldn't offer her enough. She'd tried to offer him freedom while she was gone, but he'd clung to her like a crazy man. Then Jace had gone on to explain why he always underestimated himself, claiming his life had started with her, but Clary knew better. She could see the soul behind those golden eyes. Back then Jace had claimed he had more to lose than she did.

Clary almost chuckled. It was quite ironic how very wrong he'd been. Their time apart had done just the opposite. It had taught Jace he was indeed more than he knew while showing Clary she was nothing without him.

Maybe it was time to stop being bad at showing affection. She'd friendzoned her first boyfriend even while trying to be in a relationship with him. Then she'd hurt Jace, the one she loved most. Clary was done. It was time for her to learn from her mistakes. It was time for her to be brave.

After all Jace had been brave for her. The first time he'd tried to tell her how he felt, she'd brushed him off. Hurt him. Jace had protected her from Sebastian, and then kept her safe all night by staying by her side. Clary had witnessed first hand how Jace had fundamentally changed as a person when he'd fallen in love with her, but what had Clary done for him? Nothing. She'd let Simon break up with her and then ran into Jace's arms. It had all been so easy. Clary had never had to fight to earn his love and maybe that was the problem. She'd taken him for granted because he'd been such a sure thing in her lazy eyes. The thought made her so mad at herself she could hardly stand it.

Simon had been right. Before she gave up for good, she had to try one last big gesture. Helping him when he was sick and flying his mother up to see him weren't worth much if he didn't understand her motivation, and Clary had been too scared to tell him. She had to tell Jace she wanted him back, had to really pour her heart out and show him she meant it. No matter how terrifying the idea was, it was the only way she could move forward.

The trouble was in the details. Should she just show up at his place one day and throw words at him? Did guys like chocolates? She knew Jace liked sex but that wasn't exactly a gift she could give him.

Even before she'd finished thinking the thought, Clary knew it was the wrong move. Besides it wasn't like Jace was going without. He had Annika. Even if they said they were just friends, the idea of them together still twisted Clary's insides.

No, she needed something big. Something that showed how far she'd go to win back the other half of her soul. Because Clary knew why she loved him now. She was incomplete without him. She knew his heart. His soul. It was just like hers. They fit together somehow, and she was diminished without him at her side.

What she loved best about Jace, however, is that the hardships of his life didn't reach his eyes. Jace had a beautiful heart even if he didn't believe it. She missed sleeping in the safety of his arms. She missed his smell, the touch of his skin.

Maybe she was overthinking it. Planning something big would be useless if it took her so long that he found someone else to love while she was off making to-do lists. Maybe big didn't matter. Maybe all that mattered was her communicating to him what she wanted. In the end that was all she could do. Clary didn't have the power to wish him back to her, though she would if she could.

Clary stood up. She'd been kinda sorta spacing out to think while not watching the tv for the last half hour. If she didn't do something right now she just knew she would lose her nerve and end up sulking her days away.

Without saying a word Clary darted for her purse and coat, and ran out the door. She wouldn't have bothered with the coat, but the late february air was quite chilly. Clary didn't have a car, but thanks to them all still living in apartments they'd chosen based on their proximity to the university most of them had already graduated from, it wasn't a long walk.

Reaching the base of the apartment building Clary rang the bell for his room number. The hope he'd answer quickly so she didn't lose her nerve vanished as time passed. She pressed the button again. Nothing. Maybe he had noise cancelling headphones on or was in the shower? Clary looked through her purse and found the key she still had from when she lived here. Going around back to the residence entrance, Clary used her key and started up the stairs. When she reached Jace's door, she knocked just in case the bell was broken. Still no answer, so Clary used her key again and went inside.

The moment the door opened she knew she'd been wrong. Jace wasn't unable to hear or reach the door. He wasn't home at all. Not a single light was on in the whole apartment. No one was home.

Clary had barely taken three steps into the apartment when she turned around and left, locking the door behind her. But if he wasn't home where could Jace be? The idea that he might not be home hadn't even occurred to her. This was starting to all feel very, very silly. A part of her wanted to just go back home and sulk on the couch till bedtime.

As Clary exited the building she inhaled the crisp autumn air in a deep breath, hoping the cold would snap her out of her anxiety. She had to do this now or she might never get up the nerve again.

Reaching into her purse again, Clary got out her phone to call the one person she believed would know where Jace was. She could have just gone home to ask him but this would be faster.

"Why are you calling me from the living room?" where Alec's first words.

"I went out," Clary explained. Her whole body was almost vibrating. Clary started pacing to calm herself. "Anyway, do you know where Jace is? He didn't work tonight did he?"

"No he's not working," Alec said. There was something off about his voice, but Clary didn't bother to really figure out why.

"Great!" Clary said. "I need to talk to him. Do you think you could tell me where he is?"

"Ummm," Alec said. "I can, it's just maybe you shouldn't tonight. Why don't you talk to him tomorrow?"

"Nope has to be now," Clary said. "Please."

"But he's on a-" then the phone line skipped. Clary figured she must have been walking through a dead zone or something so she stopped pacing.

"That's fine," Clary said, deciding it didn't matter what Alec was trying to say. "Just tell me."

And Alec did. He gave her the name and address of a restaurant downtown. Clary thanked him and hung up before he could warn her again not to bother. It was time to be brave.

In all honestly this chapters been done for a while but I've been waiting on my editor. Hope you enjoy. :)

Guest Review:
This whole stupid drama between Clary and Jace is a dragging narrative. If this is a book, I'd never buy it. It's a waste of time and money. You're just going around in circles. You just copy-paste their drama every single chapter. The fact that it takes you forever to update when you're just posting the same shit about them. :/

My Reply:
I do admit the drama got a little out of hand. My plot needed them to be broken up but with such a complicated narrative achieving that was tricky. This story could never be a book; it's too long and I'd never ask anyone to buy it. You don't even have to read it. My life is more important than publishing free content on the internet so yeah sometimes I update slower than usual, but most fanfic writers abandon their stories entirely.

Sneak Peek Chapter 193

When he thought about it, this was all really Annika's fault. At their most recent video game hang out session, she'd been teasing him endlessly about how he hadn't been on a date since before Clary. He'd tried to point out that hadn't they dated, but that had only prompted her to give him a very pointed look and a lecture.

"We didn't date, you idiot," Annika had said. "We just used each other to mend our broken hearts and no changing the subject. You, my friend, need to get back on the horse."

"Doesn't that apply to you too?" he'd shot back, hoping to stop the whole conversation in its tracks. The results of his remark were quite the opposite of what he'd hoped as it prompted her to tell him about all the dates she'd been going on. By the time she was done listing all the guys on a scale of attractiveness vs intelligence, Jace had had enough.

"Alright fine," he'd said. "You win. You are back on the horse and I'm sulk in the mud. Happy now?"