A/N: Yes, I know they canonically flew from Phoenix to Canada. But consider: This is just too perfect a group to not all go on a road trip together at some point on Earth. Just here for a good time.

/

Eleanor Shellstrop is actually pretty good with logistics. She emancipated herself at fourteen, which involved no small amount of paperwork and legal headaches. She's self-sufficient, which means she has to be good at stuff like that.

But that doesn't mean she doesn't love having someone else do it for her. One of the biggest perks of being friends with a multimillionaire has to be letting said multimillionaire's assistant take care of any logistical headaches, including booking last-minute flights to Canada.

Eleanor's gotten used to it, she must admit. So, she's a bit surprised herself when Tahani's assistant says over the phone that she won't help them get a flight.

She's obviously not as surprised as Tahani, though, who is holding the phone out in front of the six of them, face frozen in confusion. Eleanor wonders if she had really never heard the word no in her life. "What… did you just say?" Tahani asks finally.

"I said no," her assistant repeats firmly on the other end.

"Well, if there are no first-class seats available on such short notice, we could always just use the private jet…" Tahani's friends shoot her a look and she reluctantly adds, "Or, I suppose, we could fly coach."

"Everything that happened in Cleveland, then you just run off to Tibet, then off to Australia, then Florida, then Budapest—" Tahani's assistant's voice is rising angrily, and when she realizes what's happening, Tahani hastily clicks speakerphone off and takes a bit of space.

"Someone's getting yelllled aaat," Eleanor sings.

"I don't think she's gonna get us a flight to Canada," Chidi says nervously.

The Phoenix parking garage is hot and dirty, and no one likes standing around limply waiting for Tahani to finish her call, so they start checking for flights on their phones, finding nothing. Even Janet, who is another major reason Eleanor hasn't worried about logistics in the last year, turns up nothing.

Their fears are confirmed when Tahani returns, looking hangdog and a bit pale, and explains what just happened. "Right, well, um, it seems I have been neglecting my staff and making the family estate look very bad. As it turns out, a lot of people are very upset with me right now… Not to worry, I'm sure it's nothing that can't be patched up, but for the time being, it seems that we shall have to book own flight to Calgary."

"Based on all the available flight information we have been able to find in the past ten minutes, it seems it would actually be faster for us to drive up to Canada," Janet says helpfully.

"Can we do that?" Chidi asks.

"Of course!" Janet chirps with trademark Janet chipperness. "Based on the layout of the roads and the general traffic trends on I-15 North, I project that it will take us just over 24 hours to arrive at Doug Forcett's home by car."

"Road trip!" Jason hollers, racing back into their rented minivan. "I call the aux!"

Nobody has any better ideas, and apparently they're in a bit of a rush, so one by one, everyone follows Jason into the minivan. Why they're dropping everything to suddenly visit rural Canada, Eleanor still doesn't fully understand—or maybe she just doesn't want to fully understand—but Michael had made it sound very urgent and very, very big.

Janet doesn't seem to have an issue with the idea of driving for a day straight—as far as Eleanor can tell, she doesn't need rest at all—so everyone settles into the passenger seats. Jason usually fights for the front seat, but Michael elicits some sort of respect even from Jason, who had piled into the wayback and left shotgun open.

Maybe he is kind of their father figure, Eleanor thinks as Michael claims the front seat.

Tahani had joined Jason in the wayback, allowing Eleanor and Chidi to sit together in the backseat. Eleanor is still trying to analyze her feelings for him—the memories she'd gotten back earlier that day were undeniably real, but they still don't quite feel real. Now she gets to look forward to a full day in close quarters with him to unpack it all.

Lifetimes ago, being packed into a minivan with five other people—especially these people: an old man, a robot, a massive nerd, an idiot Floridian, and the snootiest woman she's ever met— would have been a nightmare. In fact, she reminds herself, it had been her literal hell. But the truth is, now she's excited for the day ahead.

They make a well-rounded road trip squad: Janet, of course, is a flawless pilot and navigator. Michael is enchanted by every mundane aspect of the open American road, and his excitement is contagious. On top of that, the music Jason is playing is somehow good. "Blowjob Rat (Suck E. Cheese)", despite its alarming name, is lively and fun, keeping everyone high-energy.

The look on Tahani's face when she discovers Jason's affinity for playing Punchbuggy is priceless. ("You just sock someone the shoulder when you spot a certain vehicle? That's barbaric!") But the look of delight on Jason's face when she beat him to one and committed herself to the game is even better.

Three hours in and they have already had to stop as many times because Jason seems to have an impossibly small bladder and when he has to pee, he seems to be incapable of talking about anything other than needing to pee. This, in turn, inevitably makes at least one other person have to pee so that every hour is punctuated by time-consuming but urgent stops. To make matters worse, they had been obligated to buy something at every stop—Chidi reminded them that that was the ethical thing to do if you're going to use an establishment's bathroom—and at every stop, Jason had seen fit to buy an energy drink. By the third time, everyone realizes how quickly this has devolved into an endless and miserable cycle, and Jason is promptly forbidden from buying any more beverages.

Crises averted and making much better time on hour four, Chidi suggests that they play nerd games that all seem to hinge on spotting certain letters or numbers on the road.

She loves him, but Eleanor shuts that down immediately. "Dude, that sounds so boring. Do you want to know what the cool kids play?"

"I must advise against playing drinking games in a moving vehicle," Janet puts in. "Not only to prevent unnecessary bathroom breaks, but also because it is unlawful to—"

"Not drinking games," Eleanor says, although the games she's about to suggest are easily adapted to drinking games and, admittedly, they are better that way. "I'm talking about, like, middle school sleepover games!"

"I thought you didn't go to any sleepovers in middle school," Jason says earnestly. "You know, because you didn't have any friends."

"Burn!" Michael cheers from the front seat. Then, "Was that right? Was that an appropriate use of the 'Burn'?"

"Yeah, that was pretty good," Eleanor says begrudgingly. "And okay, so I didn't really like anyone in middle school and they definitely weren't my friends, but I did go to a couple sleepovers in my day."

"You went to several," Janet says with a smile.

"See? Janet fact-check confirmed," Eleanor says, pleased.

"Because in junior high school, your parents were going through a hostile divorce and wanted you out of the house some nights to—"

"Yes, thank you, Janet," Eleanor hisses quickly. "Anyway, have any of you ever played Never Have I Ever or Paranoia?"

As expected, only Jason's hand goes up. Eleanor has a decided advantage when they play Never Have I Ever, both because she had played before and because she now has 500 extra years of knowledge on everyone.

She's only surprised when Chidi says, "Never Have I Ever… bitten someone in public." The play is obviously targeted at Eleanor based on a story she told during the study group that involved a Golden Corral at the end of a bad Christmas Eve and a real bitchy employee who wouldn't let Eleanor take the last of the popcorn shrimp just because it had been left sitting out in unsafe temperatures. Perhaps unsurprisingly, Jason also puts a finger down. What surprises everyone is when Tahani subtly puts a finger down.

"Oh, don't look at me like that," she snaps when all eyes turn to her. "None of you have siblings."

"Oh, so you were a kid?"

"…Why don't we just move on to the next question, please."

These people, Eleanor realizes as her turn begins, she knows just as well as she knows herself.

In Utah, they switch to a people-watching game where they pick people in nearby cars and guess what their lives are like. The game gets far more exciting when they remember that Janet can tell them what the peoples' lives are actually about. Tahani and Jason don't seem to have any clue what regular peoples' lives are like, and Eleanor doesn't get the chance to beat Chidi before they have to stop playing. It is the most fun they've had on the trip so far, but drawing Janet's attention to the personal lives of everyone around them results in her trying to follow them off the highway to tell them something important they don't know about their lives. Eleanor thinks watching that go down would be pretty fun, too, but they have places to go and souls to save.

Somewhere in Southern Utah, just before pulling off for gas, Eleanor cracks a smile and hollers "We sure are!"

Everyone looks as she points out the window to a jet-black billboard that reads, in bright red letters, "YOU'RE GOING TO HELL."

Underneath, in white, it read "But it's not too late!" and gave the name of a nearby Mormon church.

"Aw," Chidi groans, "It is too late."

Despite this melancholy comment and the ever-looming promise of eternal damnation, the soul squad ends up pulling over to take a group picture with the billboard.

As they're walking back to the car, Jason is the first one to say it: "I'm hungry."

Eleanor has been feeling hunger creep up on her for the past hour, too, but she didn't want to be the reason they all had to stop. Inwardly, she thanks Jason for having no shame or self-awareness.

They decide to take the next exit and go through a drive-through. This is very exciting to Michael, whose face lights up as he turns to Janet.

"Oh, Janet! Janet, can I drive?" He claps his hands together like a child and adds, "I've always wanted to drive! It's so reckless, just barreling down a crowded road at lethal speeds in a two-ton death machine! And then I could drive through the drive-through, oh please, Janet?"

"Michael, driving is a very complex, high-stakes task that requires focus and attention."

"I'm an immortal being! I can see in nine dimensions! If these humans can do it, I can do it. Plus, why fabricate a driver's license for me if you won't even let me use it?"

Janet reasonably refuses. It's an undeniably terrible idea to let Michael behind the wheel, but it's sunny out and Eleanor feels so free and happy that she says, "Aw, come on, let him do it!"

Without considering what they're really asking for, soon all four humans are rooting for Michael to drive.

"Alright, alright!" Janet gives in with a smile and tosses Michael the keys. Michael catches them, delighted by how they jingle when he moves them.

At first, everything is fine. Michael's driving is distinctly less smooth than Janet's, but everyone is in good spirits and daydreaming about what they're going to get for lunch.

Jason goes on about how many chicken nuggets he's going to order (it does end up being a truly obscene amount) while Eleanor helps Tahani pick something, since she's never eaten fast food before.

"How did you grow up with so much and end up being so deprived?" Eleanor asks when they get their food.

"I really don't think I've been missing out on much," Tahani says with a wrinkled nose after biting into her first-ever fry.

"Give it a minute," Chidi assures her. Sure enough, Tahani is soon as incapable of stopping as the rest of them.

"Why did we order so much food?" Eleanor grumbles after they've finished. They're all on the edge of a food-induced coma, and Michael's driving has not improved in the slightest. Eleanor tried a couple of times to close her eyes and get at least a little bit of sleep, but every two minutes, her head bangs against the window as Michael makes everyone fear for their lives.

Even if the ride was smoother, Jason is still blasting his EDM, despite some very clear hints from Chidi and Tahani that it's getting grating. He is the only one whose mood has not changed.

"PUNCHBUGGY!" he cries out, giving a long-suffering Tahani a fortieth punch in the shoulder.

"Seriously, Jason, as I told you the last two hundred times, I am done with this game," she says through gritted teeth.

"Where? I don't see it," Michael says, turning to look over his shoulder.

"Michael, watch the road-!" Janet cries, grabbing the wheel. Michael turns back, jolts the car suddenly but overcorrects, then swings them wildly again until they're on track again.

Chidi lets out a strangled cry and grips his stomach, making Eleanor sit up in alarm.

"Oh, jeez, I know that look," Eleanor says ominously. "Do not get carsick, dude."

"How did you—?" Chidi starts, but he's interrupted when Michael hits pothole at record speed. "AAAAGH."

"Michael, buddy, could you maybe slow down a little bit?" Eleanor asks as Jason and Tahani slink as far away from Chidi as the van will allow.

"Are you kidding me?" Michael sounds manic. "You can't break this stallion! I've never known freedom like this bef—"

"PUNCHBUGGY!" Jason seems to have finally gotten the message that Tahani doesn't want to play anymore, so this time, of course, he leans forward and socks Chidi in the shoulder.

"DUDE! Do not hit Chidi right now!" To get her point across, Eleanor leans across the minivan and punches Jason twice as hard.

"OW! That was just mean!" Jason whacks Eleanor back and soon the two are in a car-jarring smack fight.

"CHILDREN!" Tahani exclaims furiously. "You are all children. Can we not just be adults for one single—"

It's not her best moment, but in the heat of her anger, Eleanor hurls her empty milkshake cup at Tahani's face just to shut her up, and then all semblance of civility is lost.

"WILL EVERYONE PLEASE STOP YELLING," Chidi manages to break through the chaos loudly, despite being all hunched over in carsick agony.

"WE WOULDN'T HAVE TO YELL IF SOMEONE WOULD TURN THIS GOD-AWFUL CACAPHONY DOWN," Tahani shouts, turning accusatorily to Jason.

"You liked it the first few times!" Jason sounds betrayed, and this sentence gets everyone's attention.

"Jason," Michael says slowly and calmly. "How many times have you played this song?"

Jason shrugs. "I haven't just been playing Suck E. Cheese. I have like seven other songs!"

"Buddy," Eleanor starts, her tone anything but friendly, "are you meaning to tell us we've been listening to the same eight songs for how many hours?"

"Imbecile," Tahani growls, snatching the phone from Jason's hands and finally putting an end to the skull-rattling background noise.

"Don't talk to Jason like that!" Janet snaps.

"Can we take the next exit?" Chidi begs, sounding increasingly desperate. "Please?"

"It's coming up in half a mile," Janet tells Michael.

"Half a mile?" Michael says, sounding a little panicked now. "I'm in the far lane! How am I supposed to get all the way over to the right in just half a mile?"

In the end, after a lot of arguing, Michael misses the exit. Of course. His driving is not improved by the pressure, and when Janet tells him how far the next exit is, Chidi is forced to change his request.

"Or just pull over. Pulling over now is good, too. Please."

Everyone screams at Michael to pull over, and when he gets into the breakdown lane, he slams on the brakes, going from 85 to a full stop in seconds.

Everyone is left reeling from the inertia except for Chidi, who wastes no time scrambling out of the car.

Somehow, no one's mood is improved by watching Chidi dry heave into a ditch.

Janet and Michael argue about who should drive the rest of the way. When everyone unanimously agrees Janet should do it, Michael sulks in the passenger seat until Chidi returns.

"Okay," Chidi says as he gets back into the minivan, "I'm good to go."

"Are you… quite certain?" Tahani asks, leaning away from him as though he still might burst.

"Yes."

"Good," Janet says. Her voice is still pleasant, but everyone can tell they're in trouble. "Because it is now Calm-Down Time."

"It's what?" Tahani asks.

"Calm-Down Time!" Michael enforces. "Nobody is allowed to talk for at least the next hour." Jason opens his mouth and Michael adds, "Or play music."

"You can't—" Jason starts.

"Calm-Down Time," Michael repeats.

"You're not—" Eleanor tries.

"CALM-DOWN TIME."

"We are adults—" Chidi attempts to reason.

"CALM. DOWN. TIME."

/

A/N: stay tuned for Calm-Down Time