A/N: Every time I write fics, I feel the need for chapters to be at least 3k words like they would be in an adult fiction novel. But this is not an adult fiction novel, it's a very silly Good Place fanfiction. So the chapters are short. Sorry about that. I just felt the need to address this as I usually expect longer chapters from myself… Hope this doesn't bug anyone!

With that said, enjoy the ride!

/

Tahani loathes "Calm-Down Time."

For one thing, she feels like a child who's just been scolded. Another issue is that, in the silence, she keeps replaying her conversation with her assistant in her head.

Everything that happened in Cleveland, then you just run off to Tibet, then off to Australia, then Florida, then Budapest, and now you say Calgary? Tahani hadn't understood why her assistant was so angry; her lifestyle had always involved a great deal of international travel, and no one had ever so much as batted an eye about it in the past. You drop off the grid, publish a bullshit book about spirituality, then disappear again, get engaged, break it off the very next day, attempt to GIVE AWAY ALL YOUR MONEY, marry a complete unknown, and then VERY PUBLICLY VANDALIZE YOUR SISTER'S ART EXHIBIT WITH AN AXE!

Okay. It was bad. Tahani had had no defense. She was silent as her actions in the last couple of years sunk in. This was really bad, she realized. Tahani hadn't been yelled at by a staff member since she was child and had governesses paid to take care of her and her sister.

Your publicist is furious. The board members of practically every company owned by parents' estate are livid. The Hemsworth boys' PR manager is threatening to sue. And I have to take care of it all because you've become entirely unreachable! The only flight I will arrange for you is one straight back to London so that we can even begin to sort this mess out!

The truth is, before that phone call, she hadn't considered the messes she kept leaving behind her. She'd felt guilty dumping Larry so suddenly, but she knew she hadn't really loved him; she'd just thought they made a sensible, attractive pair. It was possible that he actually had deeper feelings.

And then there was the matter of her assistant… Since her parents' passing, other people had always run the businesses and moneymakers the Al-Jamils were attached to, but her association with them was publicly known nonetheless. She's always been acutely aware of the eyes on her, but she usually used this to her advantage. If the public opinion on her had changed…

Tahani had let out a dumbfounded but sincere apology at one point that seemed to soften her angry assistant. I know things have been rough for you since your parents died— she had started to say in a gentle tone. Tahani hadn't wanted to hear it, though. She was doing well for the first time in her life.

Well, she thinks, staring miserably out the window at the bleak Utah landscape, maybe not well. Certainly better.

Tahani had promised to stay under the radar and to sort everything out when she got back from Canada. Her assistant hadn't been entirely sated by this, but Tahani wasn't looking forward to it, either.

You've lost control of the situation. Don't make it worse, her assistant warned before hanging up.

Replaying the reprimands in her mind is starting to make Tahani feel physically ill. The silence is making her feel like everyone in the car is mad at her—which they probably are, but she's not the only one who was rude and brash.

She doesn't understand how they're not in Calgary yet. There is no way seventeen hours haven't passed since Calm-Down Time began, or more. She's not sure whether she'll get scolded if she checks her phone, even though it's broad daylight and Michael and Janet probably won't even notice. Still, she doesn't want them to snap again, so instead she lolls her head slowly toward the center of the van so that she can glimpse the clock on the dashboard.

It's been a little over an hour.

This is The Bad Place.

She wants to say something, anything, to get everyone talking again and keep her mind off of the mess she's made, but she doesn't want to disobey Michael and make things worse. She wishes they had just taken the private jet, or even a commercial airline, or at least that she had a Xanax.

As far as she can tell, everyone else in the van is asleep, at least, the humans who are capable of sleeping. That's decidedly better than them all being awake and stewing and glaring at her, but she still hates it. She hates the silence, hates feeling so alone in a carful of people.

She's finally, mercifully drifting off to sleep when she hears the first word anyone's said in what feels like 500 years. She's dragged back to the car by the sound of Janet quietly muttering, "Wait, what?"

It's so quiet that no one else stirs, but Tahani opens her eyes and watches Janet turn to Michael with concern.

"What did that street sign say?" Janet whispers. Tahani's eyes wander over to the window, and she realizes that they're not on the highway anymore; they're on a desolate rural road lined with orange construction cones.

"What?" Michael says, equally quiet. "I don't know, I wasn't looking."

Janet lets out an exasperated sigh Tahani didn't know Janets were capable of making.

"What are you grumbling about? Why aren't we back on the highway?" Michael asks.

"They changed the roads in the last year," Janet whispers. "I'm… I'm not quite sure where we are."

A few minutes later, this hesitant admission escalates into a much more frustrated, "I have no idea where we are!"

At this, Michael sits up in alarm and, in the seat in front of Tahani, Eleanor grumbles awake.

"What's going on? Some of us are sleeping."

"I'm sorry, is it not still Calm-Down Time?" Tahani asks pointedly. If it is, she definitely wants Eleanor to get in trouble for speaking so brazenly after Tahani has just suffered in silence for so long.

"Oh, save it, Demon's Pet."

Calm-Down Time obviously did not serve its purpose, but Eleanor is still definitely violating it, Tahani decides when this wakes up Jason and Chidi. Jason promptly asks if they're there yet while Chidi, still half asleep, drowsily asks where they are.

Still, nobody is cross with them for talking, either. "Clarify for me," Tahani speaks more confidently now, "at what point were we all permitted to speak? Because I have been stewing here in silence for hours."

"And we have all relished it," Eleanor retorts without missing a beat.

"Hey, if everyone could just be—"

Janet's next word is obviously going to be quiet, but Jason must not have pieced this together, because Janet is cut off by the profane rodent song starting up again and everyone turning on Jason.

"This never would have happened if I were driving," Michael grumbles when it's quiet again, staring forlornly out at the unfamiliar road.

Apparently, even interdimensional Not-Robots have their limits, and this is Janet's. "That is objectively untrue!" she snaps.

She turns her head from the road for only a second, but that's all it takes. The car flies over the medium and into the rough construction terrain. The humans are jostled about violently, grabbing each other for balance, while Janet tries to reclaim control of the car.

There's an earsplitting crack before they finally come to an abrupt stop.

Tahani is aware that she's digging her nails into Jason's arms, but he's not complaining, and she doesn't want to let go yet.

"What was that?" Chidi asks fearfully after a moment of stunned quiet, grabbing onto Eleanor himself.

"I don't know," Janet says through gritted teeth, obviously holding close to her last strand of patience. "I will check it out now. Nobody move from the car. Please."

Everyone is quiet while Janet checks the underside of the car, guilt setting in again.

When she comes back, she shakes her head and says, "We can drive it for a little bit, but we shouldn't go all the way to Canada. We're going to stop in Idaho Falls and you all can rest up while I fix the car, okay?"

"Oh no!" Jason cries. "We're stranded? In Idaho? We're gonna have to seek shelter at some potato farm and work to earn our keep." Janet starts to say something, but Jason isn't done. "And we'll have to sleep with the cows and the pigs in the barn."

"That's not—"

"But the hay will be soft and warm. And it'll be okay because we'll have our strength of character, and our hard work and determination will endear us to the farmer and his wife and they'll eventually take us in as their own and we'll all find the family we never had."

When she's sure Jason is finished for real, Janet says calmly, "Jason, no. Idaho has actual towns. It's not just potato farms."

Beyond this, no one objects to getting out of the godforsaken car for the night, but the combination of Calm-Down Time followed by what felt like a near-death experience has left nobody very tired. After checking into the nearest hotel—it's not a five-star resort, but after where they stayed in Jacksonville, Tahani is confident she can make do staying anywhere—Eleanor and Tahani sit awake in their respective beds.

"Do you want the light off?" Tahani asks eventually, just to break the silence.

"I don't know." Eleanor sighs. "I'm not tired." After a beat, she adds, "Do you want to maybe hit the bar—"

"Yes."

/

A/N: but did you spot the League of Their Own ref?