Hermione pressed a pillow to her stomach and closed her eyes tightly: the constant Occlumency made her head ache, and of course, she should lower her shields and enjoy life, but she could not afford either the first or the second. Draco Malfoy, if he happened to see her now, would examine his negligent friend for a long time with genuine healing interest, and after that, he would advise her to drink some sedatives and live her life on. And, surely, he would strongly recommend that she contact Lavender Brown, the future Lady Malfoy, who, by a lucky chance, now had to run that same infamous St. Mungo's mental ward. Hermione could resent all she wanted, this strange life had proven to her over and over again in the past that perhaps her friend wasn't so wrong after all. She had lost her mind.
Perhaps she should have let go of the past, mourned her husband and all the dead, entered graduate school, and moved on, but when was the stubborn Hermione Granger looking for easy ways in life? Besides, the way back to her was booked.
Yesterday's "mind games" with Severus brought a short calm and a wild migraine. She understood that in such a strange way, still accessible to both of them, her husband consoled her and supported her, but the memory of those short days that they spent together reeked of excruciating pain in her temples and a wild desire to turn back time.
"Isn't that what you're trying to do now?" The aforementioned husband did not fail to remind her about himself. Hermione bit her lip.
"I can't live like this anymore, Severus. I'm going crazy. People don't talk to portraits, people don't go back to the dead hoping to bring them back to life! People live on! Normal people anyway..."
"When, pray-tell, have we ever been normal, wife?" Severus said indifferently, looking over at the suffering Hermione. He had already guessed her decision, not to say that he fully approved of it, but he understood her reasons.
"I have to figure out this mess that I've gotten myself into at your mercy, Severus, and you still have the audacity to ask questions!" Hermione snarled, looking back at the portrait. Her husband smiled condescendingly, which pissed her off even more. "How dare you, anyway? You could have shown at least some sympathy!"
"Why, Hermione? I understand that memories hurt you. I know that you need to earn the trust of Remus and the others at all costs and to do this you need to avoid making mistakes. What's the point of me blaming you?"
Hermione jumped to her feet, overcoming the pain, and pointed her finger at the center of the portrait. Severus winced and looked at his wife expectantly. What is it this time?
"You really don't understand or are you kidding me? In the past three hours, I have pulled out of my own brain all, one way or another, fond memories associated with you and our family life, and you're not even sorry?"
Severus exhaled slowly and crossed his arms over his chest.
"Hermione, please calm down. And contrary to popular belief, I'm not the monster that people think I am. And I understand how confused we are in this strange and difficult situation. Our relations in principle can hardly be called normal, or at least close to normal. You sought protection in the difficult circumstances in which we found ourselves. I offered to help..."
Hermione sat down wearily on the couch and massaged her temples, then raised her head and gazed at her husband with red and puffy eyes from a chronic lack of sleep.
"Why, Severus, why did you decide to help me then?" she asked in a low voice. Snape stared back at her silently.
"Hermione... It's hardly the time for this."
"No, tell me! Who did you see in me when you took me as your wife? Maya or your former student, who, by a tragic coincidence, fell under the Marriage Law?"
"And who do you see in the young version of me, which, by a tragic coincidence, fell on your head?" Snape retorted.
Hermione dropped her head into her hands and growled.
"You are unbearable! I... I see something in him that very vaguely reminds me of you. A demeanor that hasn't yet turned into a good upbringing Narcissa Malfoy hammered into your head, a skill that's yet to develop into Britain's most talented Potion Master, a curiosity, a thirst for knowledge. Despair, recklessness. You will curse me now, but in this, you are very similar to Sirius - you are both desperate to protest against the foundations and really want to get your way. Eyes… You are just learning Legillimency, but I already want to lose myself in your eyes, I can roughly see what you will be like in ten years. I... It's so complicated, Severus. I love you if you want to know. You, my husband, whom I never got the real chance to know. I love you and miss you. But now I have the opportunity, if not to touch you, then at least to talk to you. Everything is so opposite that I feel completely overwhelmed."
Severus silently waited for the end of her halting speech and scratched the bridge of his nose, collecting his thoughts.
"I saw a girl in love with knowledge, dreaming of saving her friends and finding at least some happiness in a sea of pitch darkness. I saw a woman trying to find her way, longing for understanding and acceptance. You were looking for a place under the sun in the same way as I once looked for it myself, and you dreamed of being understood and accepted. I didn't want to convince you of your quest. Life is unfair, you knew it too, but that didn't stop you from reshaping it for yourself at all times. I saw Maya, but I also saw Hermione. I understood that Maya, the woman I loved and lost, was you, but you know what the paradox is?"
"Tell me?" Hermione whispered, wiping her tears with her sleeve.
"I wanted to protect you from loss! There were too many of them in your life without being Maya. All your tragedies shaped you. I knew what you would become, but I simultaneously wanted and did not want you to become her."
"It turns out that you and I are not such opposites?"
Severus spread his hands.
"And you are not disturbed by a pile of vials where I put all my more or less important memories?"
"You will still stay with me, even when I have to continue on my way. We went through an incredibly important stretch of the road together, but now my task is to let you go, and yours is to decide to leave."
"I don't want you to leave, Severus…"
"I know, dear. I know. But I'm here to help you cope with this eventually."
"Are you going to use your mind games on me again? And in the evening I will go to the young version of you to change the world for the better?"
"And you still say you're not crazy?"
"Severus, you understand why I do this..."
"That's the point, wife. Okay, close your eyes and trust me."