AU role reversal.
Damon, Enzo, and Rick are all human.
Elena, Bonnie, and Caroline are all vampires.
Damon picked out a black dress shirt and slipped it on as he walked into the bathroom to appraise the overall look of what he was wearing. He buttoned his shirt and rolled both of his sleeves a quarter of the way up his arms, and then fixed his collar. Next, he tucked his shirt into his black pants and put on a black belt. He smiled at his reflection in the mirror and fixed his hair. Perfect.
He heard Enzo throwing open his bedroom door, then yelling, "You take longer than a woman to get ready, mate!"
Damon rolled his eyes, exited the bathroom, and glared at his friend. "Shut up. Not everyone is okay going to the club looking like they just rolled out of bed."
"You're just jealous I have the accent. It gets girls' panties wet every time," he bragged for what seemed like, to Damon, the thousandth time.
"It helps compensate for your smaller dick," he shot back.
They both heard a loud sigh from the hall, and Alric barked out, "Before you start measuring your cocks can we get the fuck out of here? I've had a shitty week with those prick kids at school, and I'm ready for booze and boobs, not necessarily in that order."
Enzo smiled wolfishly, "I'm more of an ass man. Let's get out of here. I'm ready for some fun. Don't bother waiting for me; I'll grab an UBER when I find someone to bring home tonight."
"It's my house," Damon objected. "You don't even pay rent."
"That's because my friend is wealthy and awesome. I still live here, so it's home."
Alaric shrugged, "He has a point."
"Because you don't pay either," Damon said in fake exasperation.
He then sighed, "Okay, let's get out of here. And you're both getting UBER home. I'm not letting either of you cock block me."
Alric snorted, "As if I'm going to tell some willing woman to wait for my friend to drive us. I don't want to look like a freeloader."
"But you are," Damon shot back.
"Fuck off. They don't have to know that."
Damon chuckled and shook his head in amusement. It was an old argument they were having, even though no one really put a lot of energy into it. Damon didn't care that they didn't pay rent. He knew all he had to do was ask, and both would be more than happy to give him money to live there. Enzo was right, though; he was wealthy, and he was glad to have them there. His dead father would have hated them living there, which made it all the better to have his best friends there.
When his father died, he came home to the Salvatore household for the first time since he turned eighteen. He hoped his father was rolling in his grave right now. He had come home and brought his "delinquent" friends with him. His father had left him the family wealth and the house out of pride and desperation, in that order. He was proud that the home and land stayed in the Salvatore name. In fact, the only thing he had liked about his wife was that she gave him two sons to carry on the family name. According to him, there would always be a Salvatore among the prominent families of Mystic Falls.
Damon had promised over his father's grave that he'd never have children and that the Salvatore line would die with him and his brother.
Stefan wasn't on his way to having any legitimate children; he had already been in rehab four times.
As bad as the beatings had been for Damon, he supposed the only thing worse was having to live up to their father's impossible expectations. Stefan seemed to have buckled under that very pressure, and once he had a single sip of alcohol, he was stuck searching for the bottom of every bottle he could get his hands on. And with their family's wealth and his trust fund that he got way too young, he could get his hands on a lot.
Whenever he fell off the wagon, Damon would get a call from Lexi. In Damon's opinion, she was the only girl smart enough not to go to bed with Stefan but dumb enough to bail his ass out repeatedly. Not that he had a leg to stand on. Every time she called, he researched a new rehab facility with a "groundbreaking" new method and called with his credit card.
Stefan always completed every get sober program. He apologized and twelve-stepped his way through life every time. Then he'd have a shit day, and Damon would get another call from Lexi.
Then about six and a half months ago, Lexi had called him again, and his stomach dropped. He pulled his credit card out of his wallet; he'd done the research ahead of time this time, and what he heard shocked the hell out of him. "Don't worry; your brother's sober."
"Then why the hell are you calling?"
He heard her huffing over the phone, and she said, "He's your brother, and I'm giving you an update. I thought you'd care."
"Don't pull that bullshit with me. I do care. I'm just not stupid enough to come back to the same poisoned well repeatedly. How many times can he apologize before I stop believing him? Don't answer that – the answer is three. We're past that line now."
"You can't shut the door on him!"
"I haven't! I'd still pay for every fucking rehab; I expected to do it now!" He paused and put his credit card back in his wallet. "And yeah, if it sticks, if he stays sober, I'll forgive him. Did you forget he was drunk at Dad's funeral and told everyone that Dad beat me? You were there!"
"So this is about you?" she shot back out of frustration.
"Fuck you! No, this is about him being out of control. This is about him needing help and having you and taking advantage of it!"
"What?" she asked, confused.
"He needs to wake up and find out you're the best thing that ever happened to him and stay sober." Lexi was floored. She didn't know Damon liked her at all. She thought she only dealt with her because he had to. "You like me?"
Damon snorted, "I think you're a fool and wasting your time loving a man who just takes advantage of you. But Stefan is lucky to have you."
He couldn't see her blush crimson over the phone, but she did. "T-thanks. Ummm….. I called to let you know we're in Montana, and he's still sober. It's actually a record."
He knit his brows together, "What's in Montana other than the obvious?"
That's when the story came out. They were living as friends, and he actually believed the martyr Lexi about that, on a farm twenty miles from the nearest small town. His brother was now officially a farmer. And that made him laugh his ass off. Stefan was eating grass-fed beef, free-range eggs, and vegetables he grew by hand.
Two and a half weeks later, Stefan had called him pissed. Lexi had gone to town, and he'd had the inevitable bad day, and he had wanted to go for a drive. Damon knew that drive would be straight for the bar.
However, when he called, he was ranting about how Lexi had stolen the spark plugs from his Tesla before she left for town. Damon had laughed his ass off again and hung up on him as his brother asked him how to fix the spark plugs.
He called Lexi and congratulated her on outsmarting his brother. Then he said, "The idiot thinks a Tesla has spark plugs, and you removed them."
She laughed and said, "I left some old ones on the counter to throw him off. I removed the batteries from his key fob. I have the only one that works with me. I switch them out when he's not looking."
"Is there anyone he can call to bring him alcohol?"
"Aww," she teased. "Look at you all concerned for your little brother."
"When he's sober, he's not a little shit. Well, when he's not being an idiot and embarrassing me with his lack of knowledge about cars. By the way, a Tesla in Montana? Isn't that sacrilegious?"
"Gas stations sell alcohol. I don't want him to need an excuse to go to one."
"Damn, that's actually brilliant."
She hung up soon after that and headed back to the farm, knowing that Stefan was struggling with his sobriety. Two days later, Lexi sent him just the emoji of a Smiley face. It was a relief.
The three friends rolled up to the club in Damon's Camaro. He parked at the edge of the parking lot; he loved that fucking car and didn't want door dings.
They all hopped out, and Enzo rolled his eyes, "I guess we could hike to the club from here he teased."
Alaric laughed and said, "Hey, it might be all the exercise you get all night. I plan on getting mine when I get home."
"That's why your right arm is so much bigger than the other one. It's from all that jerking off you do when you go home alone," Enzo shot back.
Damon laughed, "My jackass father was right about one thing in his life. You two are delinquents."
"It's why we get along well with you, mate!"
The three of them approach the club, walking right past the bouncer. His name was Tyler, and he knew them well.
And for Damon world fell away in that moment. He walked into the club, and he saw the sexiest woman in the world dancing erotically. She had long brown hair, and she actually took his breath away. He watched her body move, and he knew one thing. He had to have her.