Never Again
He was sober. Today of all days. It's fucking monumental, really. But the sad part was no one would ever believe him. It didn't matter of course. He didn't care what other people thought of him. Never had. Never will.
Well, ok, maybe that was a lie. He did care about a handful of people. He cared about what she thought of him. She was one of the few that really mattered. So he figured he owed it to her to explain himself, it was the least he could do. And he'd have to do it right.
Of course, knowing her, she would never judge him; she'd just automatically understand and not think badly of him, which made this whole 'saying goodbye' thing really about him. He was doing this for himself, to make him feel better. Which pissed him off.
See, this was exactly why being sober sucks. He was hyper aware of his motives and his motives were mostly selfish. He was selfish.
Fuck this.
He took a deep breath, suddenly wishing he was anywhere but here, suddenly hating himself for being here. For letting himself be so tied down to this place. He had allowed this to happen: to become part of something that he knew would never, ever last. So incredibly stupid of him.
He should've known. Things were just too good to be true. This settling down, growing roots, fostering relationships, attachments – worst, affections – ugh. Never again. From now on, right here, right this moment, he vowed that he would never, ever believe in these useless sentiments: Home. Friends. Family.
They were all just an illusion. Unattainable. A lie. A trap. He was tired of getting this kick-in-the-gut reminder. He's learned his lesson. Effectively too. All he had to do was remember the blood-curling scream that filled that night. Sano didn't think a grown man could sound so anguished and broken. It was such a wild, animal sound and everything seemed to have suddenly stopped as that scream of pain and rage and lost faded into the night.
The last thing he could remember feeling was the way Megumi had clutched his hand. Clawed at it, to be more precise; fingernails digging so deep, if he looked down now, he'd still be able to see the half-moon shaped scars embedded on his skin.
He hated that night. He hated it with every fiber of his being.
Just thinking about him made him so - there is just no word that could describe the crazed anger he felt that night. Even now, he could feel his temperature rising. He clenched his fist, shaking his head.
No.
Remember, this is for her. She doesn't deserve your anger. Get rid of it. You're tainting her. Your memory of her, of your last goodbye.
What to tell her though? More importantly, what to tell her to make himself feel better? To soothe this constant pain he was feeling inside his chest. The fury he had felt that night seemed to have become a living, breathing thing. It was as though it had crawled inside his skin and now it will always be inside him. A dark twin. It made him feel contemptuous and vile. Like some monster had settled atop his ribcage and was just lounging there, mocking him, whispering, 'I'll be your companion. We'll be together, forever. We'll never want a home. We'll never want – no, need friends. It'll be just the two of us. And it'll be enough.'
Sano shuddered at the thought.
Sano had been lying on his futon, staring at nothing in particular. He felt disconnected to everything around him. Like he was slowly floating away. A numbing, blissful sleep just within his reach but as soon as he closed his eyes, the silence was shattered by the sound of someone pounding on his door and calling out his name. He gritted his teeth, immediately recognizing the voice.
Of course. Kami-fucking-sama.
Another batch of open-palms and closed-fist relentless banging against his door. "Goddammit, Sano!"
He closed his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose. He took a moment to look around as he struggled to get up, cursing himself for being so goddamn predictable. He'd gone ahead and done what everyone had expected of him: had locked himself inside his filthy room, destroyed anything and everything that he could get his hands on and drank until he couldn't remember anything. Or so he thought. Now, everything was rushing all back in and it felt like being slammed into a wall.
Sano hadn't planned on getting out-his-mind-drunk, really. He was going to go straight to the dojo right after the funeral and act like a man, for a change, as Megumi had oh-so-succinctly suggested. He had brushed her aside that morning but her voice, stuck inside his head, nagged at him. Don't be stupid, Sano. Be with your family. Be with us. You need us. We need you.
She was right of, course. Takani Megumi had an annoying knack of saying all the right things and getting under his skin, which was why he had spent most of the day aimlessly walking around town, before finally heading to the dojo.
He'd gone as far as the front gate, where, upon arriving, he just stood there, his mind suddenly going blank. There was a whole second of nothingness. He couldn't hear, he couldn't feel, he couldn't see. Nothing. His entire mind emptied out – as if to make space for the realization that hit him like lightning: Jou-chan isn't going to be there.
In fact, she isn't going to be there or anywhere else. Ever. She was gone.
He'd never see little missy's welcoming half-smile, half-glare, asking him if he was there to eat more of her food. He'll never get to tease her again, or warily watch her become a woman. All his elaborate, well-thought-out plans to terrorize all her suitors, Kenshin included, were now useless. The sister he never had, taken away from him, too early, too suddenly, too savagely.
Every muscle in his body tensed, freezing him on the spot. Something deep inside of him did not want to be confronted by the absence of Jou-chan. He couldn't. He stumbled back, his arms going around his body, as though trying to keep himself together.
He understood exactly what was going on. It was now time to mourn.
He hadn't allowed himself that. Didn't have the time, or the luxury. To be honest, he didn't particularly want to. Grieving was everlasting. That was the one thing he learned from losing someone you cared for. Once you start with it, it never really ends. It's always there, in varying intensities, but it never leaves. And he wasn't ready for that.
Right after the attack, he had kept himself mind numbingly busy. He got together a bunch of his friends (and Kami knows how much effort it took to get them all to sober up) to fix the dojo. He had been unyielding in pestering the police for answers (Where's Yukishiro? What the fuck are you doing, you incompetent idiots, to catch the bastard who did this?). On top of that, he'd also been going to around town, looking for Kenshin. Sano wasn't sure how long he had been awake; he couldn't remember sleeping – just endless hours of doing things.
And then, the funeral. He had been too angry at the number of assholes ambling about, like they had known Jou-chan and how she had tirelessly worked to make ends meet, how she devoted herself to her family, how bravely she fought men who were twice her size; the infuriating crying women who didn't even know Jou-chan's favorite ribbon (the blue one) or what kind of sweets she liked best (she liked them all, actually). He had been too caught up hating the strangers who had swarmed in on their grief, like it was some sort of… event that even after the ceremony, it hadn't registered to him, that that was it. They were burying Jou-chan. And there was no way to see her again or hear her voice or trick her into giving him that extra onigiri.
So yes, Megumi was right. He had been acting cowardly. There was no excuse for that.
The finality of it – of her death – hit him all at once: no more missy and her laughing blue eyes. No more hanging around the dojo, laughing at Yahiko getting punished, no sweet-faced, flustered Jou-chan.
The dojo was no longer a place to be happy and hopeful. Kaoru had been the light of the dojo and without her it will only be dark and filled with dreary silence. It will never again be as warm or welcoming. Whatever good memory he had of the place had been completely obliterated by that one night. Looking at the still closed gate, Sano thought even that looked sad. It knew Kaoru was never going to step inside the dojo, into her home. This place that had known Jou-chan since she was a child. It knew. And it was as miserable as he was.
Sano didn't know how a place could look that way, but the shadows were already creeping in, almost as if already staking its claim, and he knew it wouldn't take long before the place becomes abandoned, forgotten. Because how could anyone stand to be inside it? Even near it?
And, anyway, what exactly was he going to do once he'd come barging inside? Yahiko would be there, with Megumi and Oguni-sensai, maybe Tae-san and Tusbame-chan too, sitting in a hushed circle, clutching cups of tea. They'd all look up at him with questioning hopeful eyes and he'd have the same answer: No Kenshin.
The thought was enough to send him reeling away from the gate, staggering to get out of there as fast as he could. He'd never felt more ashamed of himself as he shoved his hands deeper inside his pocket, practically running away from the only real home he'd ever known. Abandoning his friends and family. It felt like he was abandoning Jou-chan too.
The way Kenshin had abandoned them all.
He had searched and searched every-fucking-where, including the police station, where he was sure he had threatened to kill Saitou with his bare hands, witnessed by the entire Tokyo Police Force. Worst, nothing came out of that. There was no trace of Kenshin. It was like he had become a shadow, had blended into the night and vanished when the day came.
Sano couldn't remember a time when he had felt like such a failure. He had been unable to do anything to prevent Yukishiro from exacting his revenge. And now, he couldn't even find Kenshin – who, at this very moment, Sano was certain, was suffering from unbearable paroxysm of guilt and unspeakable grief.
Megumi had been hysterically afraid when they realized that Kenshin was missing. She was worried that he would end up dead, too. Sano had tried his best to assure Megumi that Kenshin was still alive. He didn't need any physical proof to know this. Kenshin was a survivor. However bad his wounds were that night nothing would ever compare to what he went through with that freakshow Shishio. And he lived through that. There was absolutely no way that Kenshin was dead. He might be in a terrible situation, health wise, emotionally, too - or actually, make that everything-wise.
He had told Megumi that she could nurse him back to her heart's content. If only, he could find him. Sano wasn't an idiot, of course. If he couldn't find Kenshin, it only meant one thing: his friend did not want to be found.
And how was he supposed to tell that to Megumi or Yahiko?
I'm sorry. But the person we are all counting on, had chosen to abandon us. Life's tough like that, you know.
Fuck that stupid fucking broken hearted, redhaired rurouni.
If he was being a bastard, by avoiding everyone, then Kenshin was acting far, far worse than he was. Of course, his pain and Kenshin's pain were worlds apart, he was aware of that. But Kenshin suddenly disappearing on them was nothing but a selfish act of cowardice. It went against everything he thought he already knew about his friend. He had expected that Kenshin would have at least stayed until after funeral. He had expected Kenshin to leave but not so abruptly, not so thoroughly.
Himura Kenshin, the vanishing swordsman.
Did he think that they were going to blame him? Was that why he left? Did he think so little of them and the friendship that they have? Or was Kenshin too consumed by his loss that he couldn't stand to be around anyone else. Maybe not even himself? Was that even a possibility? Would he take his own life? Or had the Battousai finally been unleashed and was he out there, hunting down Yuikishiro, determined to yank his heart out from his chest, crush it inside his fist?
Sano shook his head, squeezing his eyes shut. The not knowing was the worst thing. If he only knew, then he could at least try to understand Kenshin. He could accept any one of those possibilities plaguing his mind, after all, he understood this kind of pain; he knew how it was to lose something that had been the center of your whole life, the person that you truly loved and cared for. He had fallen into the same depths of despair and he had almost given up too. He barely managed to claw his way out of the darkened pit of guilt and anger, hopelessness and sorrow. It had been the combined efforts of Kenshin and Yahiko, Kaoru and Megumi that pulled him out of it.
And tonight, with Megumi demanding that he open the door and let her in, it looked like the stubborn woman wasn't finished lecturing him.
Sano took a deep breath, almost tasting the early morning air. The scent of freshness all around, the barely-there smell of flowers and sake that had been left and poured on gravestones.
He licked his lips, swallowing slowly. "Finally found out the best way to sober up." Sano finally said, bending his head a little. "If you guessed Foxy, then you're absolutely right. 'Course, being sober isn't even helpful. So how about you help me out here, neh?" He snorted and shook his head. "I know you're gone now and here I am still asking for your help. Can't blame me though. I really liked you best because you were always ready to help someone even if they didn't deserve it. Got you into a whole lotta trouble, let me tell you that." He tsked sharply, shifting his weight from one foot to another. "And trust me, right now, no one deserves your help. Well, maybe except for Yahiko. Can you believe that? He's the only one who acting so damn smart and mature right now. Guess that's all on you, really."
Sano closed his eyes as he thought about the bright eyed, determined face of Yahiko. "He's still young but he'll be fine because he has your voice inside his head. I'm sure of it. I hope he listens to you. You tell him not to be an asshole, okay? 'Cause… I don't think he has anyone left to do that for him." He winced and shook his head. "Sorry about that. I guess I'm abandoning Yahiko, too. But hey, at least I'm not drunk when I made this decision." He narrowed his eyes, imagining Kaoru's smile, eyes twinkling merrily. "And I didn't drink because the damn Fox told me to. I can see you thinking just that, so you can stop right there. I just, I mean, I'm saying good bye, Jou-chan. And I wanted to do it right."
He didn't expect her to say anything. But he wouldn't have minded if she somehow – if she could tell him that it's ok, that she wasn't pissed off at him for everything. He wasn't scared of ghosts, spirits, apparitions, hallucinations, whatever you want to call it. He welcomed them, in fact. But no. Jou-chan's spirit didn't seem inclined to show herself to him.
Not such an encouraging omen.
"I fucked up. I know. I'm sorry." He thought he'd have a hard time trying to talk to her, he had dreaded staying at cemetery the whole morning, at lost for words, but surprisingly once he started, it almost felt normal-like. The dead doesn't really care. Doesn't talk back. But he was doing this more for himself. He was aware of that, at least.
Crying would be advisable. That's what the damned Fox was insinuating. As though it was somehow his fault that he couldn't switch on some impressive display of water works and it wasn't some macho guy thing either. Hell, he had cried before, shamelessly too. This time, it was just different. Crying felt inadequate.
Crying wasn't something Jou-chan would have wanted from him. "You were always so cheerful even when you're really sad. How'd you do that? I guess I could see that better than most because I'm like you, in a way. Always the jolly one. Butt of everyone's jokes, that's me. How I turned into that when I met you guys is baffling. I used to be the tough guy, street fighter. Guess you kind of brought that out of me. Don't really know if I should thank you for that." Sano muttered, twisting his lips. "What I do know is that, if I tell you that I really can't stand seeing Yahiko and Megumi, that seeing them makes me want to punch a hole in a fucking mountain, I know you won't hold that against me. You understand, right? We all have is this dark thing inside us now and you're not here to chase it away."
He stared at ground and used his feet to shuffle some of the loosened rocks around him. He hadn't meant to start this way. "I'm not blaming you. I just –" he let out an explosive breath. "This really sucks."
Sano swallowed hard, looking away, ignoring how small and needful his voice had suddenly become. "Why did it have to be you? Why couldn't it have been, I don't know. Me? Or even better, Saitou. I mean, we'd mourn Saitou. At least you probably will, but we'll be completely fine without him." He shook his head in disgust, "I guess that was kind of the point." Fucking Yukishiro and his jinchuu.
He chanced a small glance at her – it's not her! His mind angrily screamed at him. It's just a stupid stone with her name on it. You need to stop doing this to yourself. If you're going, just go. This isn't the first time death has touched you. Stop with the dramatics. Buddha above, just fucking go!
Sano shook his head and defiantly ignored that voice, decided that it was whiny and therefore, unmanly. It didn't deserve his attention. And mostly, she didn't deserve to be abandoned like this. A half-assed farewell. He was already here, might as well take his time. This might be the last time he'll ever be here, no point in rushing this moment. "Hey, forget everything that I say. Let's start again, ok?"
He took a deep, cleansing breath. Yahiko had said his goodbye. Tsubame and Tae, too. Megumi had. Probably. He wouldn't know. He had brushed off her pleas to talk things through. What were they supposed to say to each other anyway? Were they supposed to say exactly how sad and miserable they are?
Pointless. It wouldn't change anything and he didn't have the words to describe what he felt anyway. Well maybe he had. Fucked up. That sounded like a good description but he doubted if the Fox Lady would appreciate succinctness. What was it with women and words? Why do they always need them? Why do they always want to hold their feelings at the palm of their hands, marveling at it, trying to name the grief and anger and frustration and hopelessness? Why do they want to keep poking it, nudging it, until it's a tenderized pulp of excruciating pain?
Never mind. Trying to understand women is an exercise in futility. The only thing he knew about them was: always start off with the good things. Number one rule when talking to a woman, always open with a compliment, makes it easier to say, 'See? That's great, right? By the way, I did something stupid.'
So, here goes: "You looked good."
Lie! Liar! Take that back! She looked awful. That scar…that fucking scar…
"Tad pale, you know." Sano said, swallowing over the burning lump of self-hatred bubbling inside his throat. "Kinda expected, though, so, don't worry about it." He could feel his nails digging into the palm of his hand, but he kept on, wanting to find the words, wanting to let them all out so that when he walked away, he could finally feel empty – without all this hate and pain and sorrow and guilt and anger.
"Oh, and Yahiko made sure you didn't look girly or anything stupid. You have to thank him for that." Something about this made him smile; the smallest flicker of amusement, the corner of his lips minutely twitching up. "Don't go scaring the boy right away, if ya know what I mean. Give him a couple of days and then you can start with ghostly thwacking him in the head with a bokken. You probably have to practice that. The kid made sure you got bokken with you, so you're all set. Dunno what you plan with me though." He added with a shrug. "Just maybe not when I'm - doing stuff you aren't supposed to see. If you can show me a sign that you won't suddenly appear when I'm taking a shower, I'd really appreciate it.
Silence. Nothing. No stirring of the wind. No faint scent of jasmine in the air. Okay then.
"Haven't touch alcohol ever since the night after the funeral." He almost choked at that word. It left a bitter taste at the back of his mouth. Ashy and metallic. The taste of grief and death. He cleared his throat, unnerved by how different he sounded, even to himself. His voice hadn't cracked like that in a long while. "Not a single fucking drop. Can you imagine? And I had been dying for a cup of sake."
Dying.
Why had he used that word? Sano cracked his knuckles; tried to get rid of the echoing word inside his head. Dying. Died. Dead. That's how it goes right? One moment you're there and then after that, completely, utterly without warning…
Fuck. Forget cup. Here is the truth: he is desperate for a whole jug. Or two. That'll be the perfect company now. He figured he deserve a wretched day of drunken stupor. Maybe even a week. A month sounded fair enough. A year at most? Maybe. He should get started real soon. But first, to say goodbye.
"I know you wouldn't like it. You huff and puff like you're pissed off, but you really aren't. Guess that's what I'll miss the most. You being angry is sort of funny. It has its own charm, ya know?"" He let out another shrug; shoving his hands deep into his pocket. "Speaking of pissed off, you've only been gone for a couple of days and we're all – we already hate each other." He thought of her blue eyes flashing sadly, guiltily and sano sniffed, the sound you'd make when you're trying not to cry.
"Well, ok, not hate. Sorry. Not really hate, more like annoyed. But we've turned into a bunch of assholes, alright." He swallowed hard, something lodging at the back of his throat. He could feel his stomach churning and he closed his eyes, swallowing the slowly rising bitter bile. He clamped his hand over his mouth, his eyes bulging at the effort to not vomit. Not here. Buddha help him. Not here and not now.
It took all his willpower to unclench the muscles on his throat, on his stomach. He blindly reached out a hand, grasping at nothing. Sano staggered, his knees buckling. Years of being drunk allowed him an almost uncanny ability to stay on his feet, swaying, but upright. It didn't take long to steady himself. He took a deep breath, "Phew. I'm ok. Don't worry. I'm not going to get sick. Nope. Just give me a moment here, okay?"
He shrugged off his small drawstring bag, letting it fall on the ground. It didn't even make a sound. He blinked at the familiar, ragged, filthy sorry excuse of a sack. His whole life was inside that bag though. And it was his only real property. What was left of his old, runaway street-fighting life, anyway. It looked sad and pitiful and he felt another one of those annoying, burning lumps rising up his throat.
Sano shook his head. He let out another whoosh of air, bent down, slapped his knees and blinked back the stupid tears that were threating to fall. "Where was I?" He mumbled absentmindedly, trying to clear his mind. He squinted his eyes, tried to remember what he was trying to confess to her. "Assholes, right? I'm really sorry to say this, I know you're not going to like it, but Kenshin is acting like one. Big time. And I can't really blame him but maybe you can do something about that. Like visit him in his dreams and shake him senseless because I can't and I don't want to be part of whatever it is that he's going through because - it's just too much pain."
Raw and all-encompassing and it's just another version of death. An even emptier kind of death. He really didn't want to think about it right now. Not ever, actually, if he could help himself. But apparently, he couldn't. Either he was too sober (if there was such a thing) to control his own thoughts, or he was destined to be forever haunted by the deaths of people he truly cared about.
"I'm not going to give you the details because it's horrible and embarrassing. It's a disgrace, relly and I'm not going to be the bearer of bad news. Although, maybe you probably already know." A vision of how they found Kenshin at Rakinmura, that goddamn, awful place, flashes inside his head and he could feel something inside of him being ripped apart.
That wasn't Kenshin. That wasn't his friend. That man who refused to stand up and avenge or do anything at all, that man who had chosen to sit and rot away, broken and useless, mumbling words that didn't make sense too tired now, too tired, I can't, please, just let me rest now – that man? He didn't know him and he didn't want to remember Kenshin that way.
Sano grimaced at how angry he was feeling towards Kenshin. He should be channeling all this burning rage for the sick bastard who had upended their whole word with just one strike but there it was - a small, burning orb inside his chest that was slowly filling up with hate and anger. Expanding and growing, little by little and he didn't know how to stop it.
It was disorienting, suddenly finding himself starting to hate Kenshin. Starting to hate Jou-chan too, if he really, really looked into the darkest depth of his heart. He couldn't help but be angry at her for not surviving, for leaving them with nothing but broken pieces that only a little boy was desperate enough to pick up and hopelessly try to put back together again.
He'd be disappointed in the end, Yahiko. The poor kid. And it would only get worst. It will never be better. And Sano knew exactly what comes next after disappointment. Bitterness so vile, there was no way of washing it out one's mouth. Except maybe with sake. All these thoughts were stoking the inexplicable misdirected fury that he was feeling.
"I - I need another moment here, Jou-chan, okay? Just give me a second."
Sano had thought that if kept silent, held his breath, and ignored Megumi, she'd just eventually give up and leave him alone. And for a moment it seemed to be working because the persistent knocking stopped and just when he finally let out a sigh of relief, she did something worst.
She started softly crying outside his door.
He balled up his fist and wildly shook it in the general direction of where he supposed all the cruel gods were watching them. He hated them all.
"Stop cryin'" Sano mumbled, standing up and feeling a little disoriented. He closed his eyes and willed the room to stop its spinning. "I'm coming, okay? I'm coming, just, for the love of Kami, stop cryin', goddammit!" The expletive was due more to the fact the he had stubbed his toe on an upturned table. He glanced behind him, perplexed at the obvious destruction of his room.
Oh. Right. He did smash almost all of his furniture. He was going to get Kenshin to pay for those, if he ever found him. Which he probably wouldn't, because Kenshin hadn't been the best hitokiri for nothing. He could disappear like mist.
The odds were all stacked against him. Sano raised his hand, in another rude gesture, letting the gods know what he thought of that.
He finally stumbled towards the door, angrily flinging it open.
"What the fuck is wrong with you, woman?" Sano blinked, finding an empty space in front of him. He briefly wondered if any of his neighbors were playing tricks on him, because if they were, it was all the invitation he needed to engage in some satisfying fist-fight. When all the doors and windows remained closed, he felt his heart beat quicken. He took a deep breath, the fresh air somewhat clearing his head. He seriously doubted that he'd be the first person Jou-chan would ever think of haunting, but if it was her, he'd like to see her. She was probably pissed off that he attended the funeral half-drunk.
"Here." A broken voice croaked out and Sano blinked, stunned to find Megumi standing by the side of his door, cradling her right hand. Even in the dim light he could see it how red her skin was. It would probably bruise tomorrow morning.
"Jezz, Megumi, what do you think you're doing?" Barely upright, he walked towards her, reached out to look at her hand but she snatched it away, glaring up at him.
"You weren't answering your door, you stupid chicken head."
He silently watched the woman in front of him. She was a wreck. He'd never seen her like this before and he didn't know what to do or what to say. He'd been feeling that way almost every hour of every day and he was starting to get sick of how useless he felt. The last thing he wanted was to be verbally reminded of his shortcomings. But she was crying and he just couldn't do what the inner voice inside his head had been begging him to do. Turn back. Walk away. This isn't going to end well. Much better that you stay away from each other. You will end up saying something hurtful and she will slap you.
But she was crying.
It was one of his deplorable weaknesses. Crying women. So he just stood there, motionless, letting her rage against the emotions that had so clearly overwhelmed her.
Was this how hearts are bared? With tears and sniffles? With words barely escaping, strangled with sadness and guilt and anger and huge amount of frustration, bottled up for years and years and now finally escaping?
He patiently waited for her to pause, wanting to assure her that he knew exactly how she felt, but his emotions were more along the lines of bashing someone's face and patience was something he had so very little of these past couple of days. Still, for her, he made an effort to wait until her pain slowly seeped out of her.
Like blood from an open wound.
He shook his head at the thought, not wanting to remember, forcing himself to focus instead on her face, her lips in particular. It should have been enough of a distraction, it usually was, but she had too much to say and she went on and on about how they have acted irresponsibly and it was loathsome, just completely unforgiveable that they had done nothing and that they need to do something, now. Because it was what Kaoru would have wanted and…
Sano winced at the mention of the name and felt the sharp throbbing pain in his hand. He had to ball it tightly into a fist, to keep it from trembling.
Megumi grabbed the lapels of his soiled jacket, pulling him closer towards her. She looked up at him, her eyes glittering with the few tears still clinging on her lashes, "Do you understand what I'm saying?" She demanded in a ragged voice.
He didn't. So he shook his head and Megumi pushed him away from her, bringing her hands to her face, before turning to glare at him. "Kaoru would kick our ass for what we did!" This was said through her clenched teeth and he wanted to tell her to please, please stop saying her name. It reverberated inside his head, echoing endlessly, a call that will never be answered: Kaoru. Kaoru. Kaoru.
"We left Yahiko to do everything! Everything" Megumi an almost hysterical pitch rising in her voice. She started to pace, wringing her hands. "I can't believe I've acted so cowardly and irresponsibly and you! You're drunk and filthy and talking about killing people..."
"Not people!" Sano chimed in, exasperated, the last of his patience disappearing. "Just one. Or two."
"Killing Yukishiro will not bring Kaoru back, you know that!"
Stop saying her name!
It was his turn to glare at her. "It won't but I sure as hell will feel so much better." He wanted to pound his fist on his chest, let her know that there was something burning lodged inside his heart, ever since that night when he had carried Jou-chan inside her room. She had been so light, it was almost as if he wasn't carrying anything, but he could feel her blood, thick and heavy, sliding down on from his arm. He had looked straight ahead, not even glancing down, not wanting to see her, to see the wound on her cheeks, her closed eyes, the trail of blood at the corner of her mouth.
That wasn't his jou-chan.
Sano unclenched his fist, remembering the promise he'd just made earlier. He wondered how Kenshin had ever kept his vow and how strong his friend was to have lived ten years wandering and never killing anyone ever again after a life of being hitokiri and how all that strength seemed to have left him now that Jou-chan was gone.
He knew why he was angry. He was looking at it. The sole remnant of the wreckage of their lives. A gravestone with Jou-chan's name on it.
Sano was angry because he knew it was unsalvageable. Everything and everyone is broken and the only thing left for him to do was to leave or else this anger and hatred would consume him and turn him into something hateful. And he knew that Jou-chan would never that want for him. That it would make her sad. And that was the very last thing that Sano wanted to do.
He slowly let himself sink into the ground, crouching low so he could ay a hand on top of Jou-chan's hakaishi. He let his fingers curl around the edges. It was cold and Sano gripped it so hard, he felt a sharp pain on his nails and fingertips.
"This is goodbye, Jou-chan. I know you hate goodbyes and you're probably annoyed at me right now, but all these deaths around me – I'm not as strong as I want to think I am. But let's keep that a secret between us, okay? I just need to get away. Maybe I'll be a wanderer and in ten years' time, it'll all be better. It wouldn't hurt a much. I don't know what will happen but I will never ever forget about you. I promise. And if I ever come back, if -" Sano stopped, horrified at the realization that he was crying.
Tears were streaming down his face, gathering in rivulets on his chin and silently falling into the ground that greedily drank it all in. He wiped his face with his hand, swallowing down the sob that was trying to escape from somewhere deep within him. "I'll bring your flowers. If I ever find myself coming back here, I'll bring you a ton of flowers. Lots and lots. Embarrassingly many. So, people will know that you were something special. Okay? Okay, Jou-chan?" He stopped and bent his head towards her tombstone, feeling the smoothness of it. "I have to go now." He whispered breathless. "Look after me, alright Kaoru?" And Sano prayed that maybe, Kaoru's spirit will bless him now, will send him a farewell – anything at all, but all was still and quiet around him. The sun's light and warmth still a few hours away.
It's fine, Jou-chan. I'll wait. He thought sadly.
It took him a few minutes to finally push himself up. And Sano knew that the first step he'll take away from her grave, he will be shedding the Sano of the Kenshin-gumi. The Sano that had laughed loudly and freely and had hoped and dreamt for a different future. That Sano was gone now, too. He won't ever be the same after this. He'll leave that Sano with Jou-chan, to keep her company until they meet again.
Translation:
hakaishi – tombstone
End Note: Just poking out my head a little, here. Hello, RK fandom! It's been a while.
Whenever I wrote Sano it would always end up being full on chaotic and ridiculous, so I tried to do the opposite of that. Can't believe I picked this up again, but here we are.
Sorry for the dumping of angst and sadness. It's kind of easier to write/read this since we all know that we eventually got our happily ever after, so thank you for letting me indulge in this cesspool of pain. See you all when I see you.