I was doing okay; I was feeling better.
I was still at home, not yet allowed into the office. My therapist felt that I should continue attending on a regular basis even after I was cleared for work. I told her I'd consider it.
Hotch was amazing. When he was away, he called every night after he spoke with Jack, and stayed on the phone with me until I fell asleep.
When he was home, he either brought Jack over to stay with me, or he picked me up on his way to get Jack and I stayed with them.
When he was home and after Jack was asleep, he would always sit down with me before we went to bed and made me talk to him about how I had been feeling.
I wasn't sure if he realised it, but the way he did that really helped me.
The way he never once judged me for putting myself into that suicidal situation helped even more.
Tonight, he asked if I was happy to drive myself over to his place, and to be there at seven. I packed a bag before leaving for his place.
I knocked on the door a few minutes after seven. I could hear quiet classical music playing inside and I wondered what he and Jack were doing. He opened the door with a smile and kissed me gently before leading me in. He took my coat for me and hung it up.
The room was dimly lit only with candles. The dining table was set for two, with wine already poured and waiting to be drunk. There were roses on the table, too. I felt tears prick my eyes; this was so romantic. I turned and looked back to Hotch, "Aaron…"
His dimples showed as he smiled at me, "Jack is with Jessica again tonight. We're going to have dinner, and maybe watch a movie, or have a bath. And then we're going to go to bed and sleep in in the morning."
"Thank you for this. You didn't have to." I wrapped my arms around his neck and stood flush against him, kissing his neck lightly.
"I know, but I wanted to. I don't do romantic things often enough for you, and you deserve them."
"I love you…so damn much." I pulled his head down and kissed him. He reciprocated instantly, meeting my lips with just as much passion. We made out like that for a few minutes before he pulled away and took a deep breath. "I'm sorry…"
He shook his head, "Never apologise for that," He smirked at me, "Dinner is ready. Pork roast." He led me over to the dining table and pulled a chair out for me. He served the roast, accompanied by roasted vegetables. The red wine matched it perfectly.
We talked about Jack and light-hearted topics while we ate.
When we finished eating, I poured more wine before starting to clear the table. He stopped me and pushed me back to sit down, "No."
"Aaron, you cooked this amazing meal for us. Please let me clean up?"
"No," He repeated, shaking his head. He stood and began to clear the table himself, "Enjoy your wine." I drank back my full glass before pouring again. I watched his back as he rinsed the dishes and put them into the dishwasher. The way his muscles moved was beginning to turn me on. The wine would have something to do with that, too.
When he was finished, we sat on the couch and he opened a second bottle of wine, refilling our glasses. I was tipsy now, and I moved to straddle him as soon as he sat back against the couch. His hands rested on my thighs as I initiated a kiss. He returned it willingly and we made out on the couch. I could feel his bulge beneath me and I ground down on him. He moved his hands to my hips and stilled my movements, moving me off his clothed erection. I sat back and looked at him questioningly. "What's wrong?"
"Don't get me wrong, I want to make love to you like crazy…but not the way you're going to request," He brushed my hair behind my ear as he spoke. He was referring to anal sex, which I absolutely was going to request; I was still too scared for vaginal sex. "Sweetheart, I saw how much it hurt you last time. I can't do that to you again."
"It doesn't hurt that much. I'm okay with it."
"I'm not okay with it. I'm sorry Emily, but we're not doing that again."
I felt my mood deflate, and I climbed off him to sit back down on the couch. I tried desperately to hold back the tears that filled my eyes.
"Emily, please don't cry. You're on birth control, sweetheart, we can—"
"I was on birth control when it happened, too." I cut him off quietly. I got up and took my wine glass to the kitchen. I poured the remaining wine down the sink and rinsed the glass. I was in no state to drive now, so I couldn't just leave. I stopped and closed my eyes, dropping my head down. I remembered what my therapist advised; to let Hotch back in. She had meant emotionally and physically. I wanted to; I really did. "They took my IUD out after the miscarriage. Something about it dislodging. They said they could put a new one in, but I said no. I went on the pill instead," I explained, "The pill is less effective than an IUD," I looked at him for a second to think about it before making my final decision, "Will you wear a condom?"
"Of course." He nodded. I smiled, although nervously. I approached him again and froze. I guess the knowledge that I had decided to do this now, was too nerve-wracking for me to just jump right in. He seemed to notice, "We don't have to, sweetheart."
I bit my lip, "Dance with me?"
He smiled and nodded, standing. He turned the music up a few notches, and then took my hand to twirl me before settling into a simple slow dance. He held me close to him, and after a song, I moved our intertwined hands to rest against his chest and laid my head on his shoulder. He pressed kisses to my temple or hair every so often.
Once I was calm and most of the drunkenness had subsided, I parted from him just enough to kiss him. I moved my hand from his back up to the side of his neck, brushing my thumb over this jaw.
I guided him to walk to the bedroom as we continued kissing. I pushed him to sit down on the bed and I straddled him, intensifying the kisses. I would bet anything that he could tell I was both desperate and nervous for this.
He palmed my breasts through my shirt and bra, and then his hands slid down slowly to my waist, then hips, and then my thighs. He stopped kissing me and moved to my neck. He sucked lightly before he kissed down from below my ear to the base of my neck, and then across my collarbone. I moaned quietly and let my hands run down his chest. I began to unbutton the dress shirt he wore.
We undressed each other slowly, taking our time despite the desperation in our kisses. Once I was naked and laying on my back in the middle of the bed, him hovering over me, he stopped momentarily to roll the condom on. He went to position himself once it was in place, and then paused, looking at me. "Emily, you're shaking…are you sure that you're okay?"
I nodded quickly, "I promise I'm okay and that I want to do this…I'm just a little nervous. Ignore it."
"Em—"
"Please? Please, Aaron…I need you." I begged. He seemed unsure, but he slid in slowly. I dropped my head back, moaned loudly and my eyes rolled back at the feeling of him filling me.
He groaned, "That was one of the filthiest moans I've ever heard." He dropped his head down to suck at the base of my neck. I let out a breathy laugh and lifted my hips to get him to move.
I walked into the small café and spotted JJ sitting at a table. I walked through and sat down across from her, "Hey, how are you?"
She tried to smile but she looked exhausted, "Tired. Henry isn't well; it was a long night."
"Oh, Jayje we could have rescheduled."
"For the third time? No way. Garcia would have killed me." She smiled again. With great timing, Garcia sat down with us dressed in a bright orange dress with yellow flowers scattered across it, and a big yellow bow in her hair. Her heels were orange, too. "Hey." JJ greeted her.
Garcia dove straight into a story about why she was so late to our lunch date, although she was only five minutes late. I got up and went to order us some coffee and grab some menus for us.
Once we decided on what we wanted to eat, I went ahead and ordered for all of us.
When I sat back down, they both looked at me as Garcia spoke, "Spill. We know Hotch had a romantic evening planned for you last night."
"How did you know that?" I questioned, looking between them.
"I overheard him asking Rossi which wine was your favourite; clearly he had forgotten. He then told him his little plan." JJ explained.
"There was music, candles, roasted pork and vegetables, and sex." I summarised.
They glanced at each other quickly before looking back, "When Hotch was telling Rossi the plan, Rossi asked if sex was his end goal, and he said to Rossi – and I quote – "No. She hasn't let me near her since the miscarriage"." JJ said.
I shook my head, "That is not true. We have given each other head…and we had a…different…kind of sex the other week. Last night was the first traditional sex since…that…yes."
"When you say "different kind" do you mean anal?" Garcia asked outright. She was speaking a little too loudly for my liking. I glanced at the neighbouring tables and no one seemed to be listening.
"Yes," I said quickly, "And I would have preferred that again last night because I'm still terrified that we're going to have a repeat situation, but he refused because he thought it hurt me too much. I mean it did…he's not at all small…but it didn't hurt near as much as losing my baby. I went and got the Plan B pill this morning to be extra safe on top of my usual pill, and the condom I made him wear."
"…Okay, I have so many questions." Garcia smirked. She and JJ proceeded to ask me questions, and soon enough tip and tricks to help with minimising the pain involved in anal sex. It was obvious neither of them had done it before, although I did remember JJ telling me that Will has asked if she would consider it.
I don't think I had ever met a man that wasn't interested in it – some even tried to pressure me into it at times – but apparently Hotch wasn't. It didn't really matter. It wasn't my favourite thing in the world; I didn't enjoy it that much at all. I just figured that would be easier to deal with than losing another baby would be.
The conversation moved off that topic once our lunch arrived, and JJ filled us in on her home life, and Garcia filled us in on her dating life. They asked if things between Hotch and I were getting easier again. I told them that they were. I think they were.
After lunch, I went home and did some laundry, vacuumed, and then sat down to read for a while. Hotch called me at five and said he and Jack were going out for dinner and asked me to join them. I accepted this invitation, but I was nervous. I hadn't been in such close proximity to Jack for an extended amount of time since the miscarriage. Usually, it was just a car ride, and then at one of our apartments where there was plenty of room and things to be distracted by.
I needed to be okay around him now, or Hotch mightn't want me around at all anymore. He certainly saw how I tried to keep some space between his son and I. That needed to change.