Disclaimer: After a week of antibiotics I now own a healthy dog again but Castle still isn't mine.
Here goes Chapter 5! I kinda feel like there's nothing really happening in this chapter. But there was some talking to do before I (they) can go on with other things. And I'm also not 100% sure if I've gotten the facts about what happened before 4x23 entirely right. So if you find something that doesn't really fit the events of the show, please just ignore it. That might happen again since I don't have the time to rewatch everything and it's been about a year since I last watched the show. So maybe I'll mess up a few details, I hope you don't mind.
Thank you for your feedback on the last chapter! That makes writing a lot more fun. I hope you'll enjoy this one!
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Castle had been true to his word, that their break to have lunch really was just that: A break. They had spent most of the afternoon in bed and partly on the couch. There had also been a quick trip to the shower together, even though it had been the second time that day for Kate. Eventually, they had gone back to bed, this time to sleep.
When Kate woke up Castle was still soundly asleep beside her, his arm loosely wrapped around her waist. She carefully picked up his hand and snug out of his embrace and left the bed. When she stood up her legs felt kind of wobbly and a slight grin hushed over her lips. It had been quite a while since she had felt like this. The last time had probably been somewhere in her early twenties. But even compared to that time back in college she liked to call her wild phase, nothing came close to what she had with Castle. It was pure chemistry. She hoped that would never fade.
As quietly as possible she walked through her bedroom to the slightly opened door, picking up her shirt and panties on the way. She flit through it and closed it behind her, carefully holding the handle down while it softly clicked. She waited for a couple of seconds but there was no sound coming from the bedroom, so she supposed he was still asleep. She slipped on her two pieces of clothing and wandered into the kitchen to make some coffee. Castle would have to adjust to the fact that at her place they would still have to drink good old filtered coffee. She poured water into the coffee machine, pressed the little red button and soon the machine started to burble.
She leaned against the counter and inhaled the smell of freshly brewed coffee. As much as she enjoyed every second with Castle it was also nice to have a few moments to herself. A lot of things had changed within a very short time. She was happy but she still needed a little time to process all of it. And to realize that there was a future ahead she could hardly imagine. She smiled and looked at the closed bedroom door. Even though it would mean giving up the safety of what she had known the last few years she was looking forward to the future. And she was still kind of in disbelief about what was happening right now.
As if he had felt the need to prove to her that it all was in fact real the bedroom opened and Castle shambled through the living room into the kitchen. His hair was ruffled and his eyes were still tired. He had also thrown on a shirt and underwear and Kate had to smile at his look. „What?" he muttered smiling as he reached her and placed a hand on her hip. „Oh nothing." She answered looking up to his hair. „I'm just not used to seeing you with that kind of hairstyle." A grin snug onto her lips again. „Mhm you better look at yourself." He smiled as he tangled a loose string of her tousled hair around his fingers. „I didn't say I don't like it." She whispered. „Me neither." He softly kissed her and pulled her close to him. She gave in but then carefully pushed him away.„I would like to drink my coffee hot". She said smiling. „Are you suggesting I have any other plans?" He grinned. She rose her eyebrows at him and smirked a little. „Based on the last two days I have a strong suspicion you do." „Ha, that must be your cop instincts!"
Kate froze and the smile vanished from her face. He immediately knew he said something wrong and became serious. „What is it?" He asked her quietly, his hand still resting on her hip. She turned away from his worried look and escaped his touch by walking over to the couch. She was too nervous to sit down and also to look him in the eyes. So they were having that talk now. She had known it was coming when she knocked on his door. But she had hoped they could have a little more time before they returned to the harsh reality of events that even caused her to come to his place. The question of why he didn't ask her earlier what exactly happened crossed her mind. Without having to think about it she knew it was for the same reason as her. To keep up their happy little bubble as long as possible. Maybe he was right. Her cop instincts were still there, no matter if she wore a badge or not.
She heard his steps coming after her and took a deep breath before she turned around. She wanted to just get over with it, there wasn't any other choice. „I'm not a cop anymore. I resigned." She heard her own words echoing in her ears. Speaking the truth out loud made it much more real and caused the knot in her stomach to tighten. When she brought up the courage to look at Castle's face she saw pure disbelief.
He was at a loss for words. Again. He had been exceptionally often since she had turned up at his door. „What do you mean?" He asked as if her statement had left any room for interpretation. She rubbed her sweaty palms over her hips and again evaded his eyes. „Wait." He turned around and walked back into the kitchen. Kate was surprised he didn't bombard her with questions. Instead, he returned to the living room with a cup of coffee in each hand. „Sit down." He asked her calmly and set the cups on the table in front of the couch. She did as he said and he handed her one of the steaming cups, the warm feeling on the palm of her hands calming her a little bit.
She inhaled deeply and started to give him a recap of the things that had happened after he had last been to her apartment. Now and then she took a sip of coffee to calm her nerves. He didn't interrupt her, even though a lot of questions crossed his mind as she talked. But he could sense how important it was for her to get it all out, so he had to wait. She told him about Maddox, the roof, Esposito and Ryan, and at last about what happened in Captain Gates's office. How she had handed out her badge and told her she didn't want it back. Castle listened calmly as she finished. „I went out of the precinct and was just lost. If I'm honest, I don't really remember every place I have been. But I… I remember the moment I decided to leave it all behind and come to you." The image of the empty swing next to her passed before her eyes.
She didn't know anything more to say and he remained calm, his eyes staring at the already empty cups on the table. At some point the silence became unbearable. „Can you please say anything?" She whispered. Her words interrupted his stare and slightly startled he looked up at her. „Sorry." He answered in a dry voice. „That's just a lot of information." Hearing in detail how she almost died and threw over her entire life bothered him more than he would like to admit. But he would sort that out for himself. Because as hard as it was for him to understand what happened, for her it had to be a lot harder. „So what are you going to do?" He asked.
She hesitated before giving back his question. „What do you think I should do?" He softly smiled at her. He loved the fact that she would ask him for advice. But even though he would love to tell her to give up that unbelievably dangerous job and just live happily ever after with him, he couldn't. „This isn't about me. It's about what you want. Do you really don't want to be a cop anymore?" She didn't hesitate to answer. „No. I mean yes. Yes, I still want tob e a cop. I know I wasn't thinking straight. I was driven by rage and despair and I was dumb." „You're not dumb." He interrupted her, but she continued as if she didn't hear him. „I know I made a lot of mistakes that day. And most of them I deeply regret." Again he couldn't help himself from interrupting her. „Only most oft hem?" Her concentrated stare softened and she smiled slightly at him. „Not the ones that lead me to you."
He returned her smile and reached out his hands to take hers. After a moment of silence, he asked the question that was hanging in the air. „So you're gonna ask Gates if she will let you come back?" Kate slowly nodded and looked at him. „I can't give up my job, Castle. It's what makes me who I am. It's all I have." He raised his eyebrows at her and slightly squeezed her hand. „So first of all, that job isn't everything you are by far. You are so much more and you could do so much more. And second, it is not all you have. You have me. And whatever you decide to do, I will be there with you."
Now a full smile stole its way onto her lips and even though the knot in her stomach was still present she felt it loosen up and her heart started beating a little faster. „I know." She softly answered. „I just don't know if there is a possibility to go back at all." Castle snorted. „They would be idiots if they don't take you back!" He leaned forward and also took her other hand in his. „Here's what I think: Tomorrow you'll directly walk into Gates's office and tell her what an outstanding detective you are. I know how convincing you can be, you just don't give in before she takes you back." She didn't answer right away and looked at her feet for a while. „I don't think it will be that easy." „But it's worth a try." He reassured her and caressed her hands with his thumbs. And I will be waiting in the car and come to your help whenever you need it." At that image, she had to laugh. Castle thought it was good to see her laugh after experiencing all her worries.
„I don't think that would be very helpful. In fact, I fear even if Gates allows me back, our partnership at the precinct might be over." He gave her a crooked smile, the thought of their time as work partners being over causing his heart to sink a little. „You know, I would be lying if I said I didn't care about that. But seeing I can be close to you outside of the precinct now, I think I will survive that." „That's good." She answered. „After everything that happened, I would be more than mad at you if you would die of a broken heart."
Though he couldn't hold back a little laugh a last question was laying heavily on his heart. „And… And what about your mother's case?" She had not seen that coming but as he asked the question she realized she should have had. The smile disappeared from her face and she hesitated. Again she looked at her feet when she started to answer. „As I said. He got away and I didn't care. I know I have to let it rest for my own sake." As the words came from her lips she felt a hint of guilt because in her heart she knew she could never truly let her mother's case rest until she found justice. But she could try. And she was willing to do that.
Castle didn't push it any further even though he doubted she was really convinced by what she said. But he knew he couldn't ask for more and that even trying to give up searching for her mother's killer cost her all her willpower and strength. And he also knew that in the first place, she didn't do it for herself but for him. He pulled her into his arms and pressed a kiss to her neck. It was a wordless understanding to let the matter rest for as long as possible.
She savored the feeling of his arms around her, feeling the tension slowly leave her body and the warmth of his body slowly pushing the worries away. She had a plan for tomorrow. Now she wanted to come back to the present. She eventually pulled away from him, the soft smile on her face telling him their serious talk was over. „So, what are your plans for the rest of the day?" The boyish grin returned to his face. „Well, my first priority would be to get you back into bed. But I figure we might have to have breakfast first. " „You're right about that!" His grin faded a little. „And at some point, I will have to go home and face the ice-cold questioning glare of my daughter." Kate's grin disappeared too.
„So, you want to tell her? Don't you think it would be better to give it a little more time?" He firmly shook his head. „She will ask where I have been and I don't want to lie to her." Kate frowned a little. „Don't tell me you never lied to her when you spent the night with a woman." „I did." He admitted. „But you aren't just some woman. You are you and this is not just an affair. And if this relationship works out as I hope it will, there will never be another woman again. And I want Alexis to know that."
A shiver went down her spine. These words hit her hard. There was no joking in his words, just absolute certainty. He really meant that and it thrilled and scared her at the same time. But most of all it made the butterflies in her stomach go crazy again. „You're right." She said. „Alexis needs to know." She bit her lip and looked at him insecurely. „How do you think she will react?" He shrugged his shoulders but tried to give her a reassuring smile. „If I'm honest, I don't really know. So I think it's better when I tell her alone." Kate's eyes grew big in shock. How could he even think she would be there when he told his daughter what was going on between them? „Of course! Me being the one to „tell" your mother has been more than enough for me!" He laughed and was relieved she was fine with the fact that he wanted to be honest with Alexis. „You're right. So I will tell her later when I come home." Kate swallowed but nodded. Somehow that felt even more serious than Martha knowing what happened. But it didn't feel wrong. She would just have to adjust to the pace of this relationship evolving.
He stopped her from her overthinking by taking her hand and pulling her up from the couch. „Because I will have to leave sometime soon it is necessarily important that we come back to my plan to get back into bed." He smirked at her and guided her to the kitchen. „But first let us try to find something to eat."