The walk from the attending's lounge to the ICU had been gut wrenching; for everyone. Addison had somehow contorted a stoic face that was oddly familiar to her from her WASP brought up, but she knew there was no other way to survive this. It was either that or a complete downward spiral; and that she couldn't afford.
Reaching the doors of the ICU she could see all the people that mattered in the hospital were already standing there waiting for her. Her only two friends Miranda and Callie, held tear-stricken faces grappling the pain for Addison that only they knew she was experiencing. Callie didn't even wait for Addison to make it fully towards the ICU doors before putting her own arms around her to give her some comfort. Truthfully, hers or Miranda's arms were the only ones she would take.
"You Montgomery are going to get through this. And I'll be there by your side," encouraged Callie.
Addison nodded lightly and gave her shoulders a squeeze to acknowledge Callie's meaningful words.
She then walked through doors as everyone waited for her, and not too far from the bed she saw Owen next to what she assumed was Mark's lifeless body. Her face hardened even more and refused to break.
Addison wasn't as vain as people always thought, and neither was Mark, but this felt like a cruel joke. A plastic surgeon whose face was so disfigured that no one could recognise him.
Who even writes that? She thought.
People plan and God laughs, it's what Bizzy always said.
Her eyes just intently stared at the artificially breathing body. She was amidst hearing her colleagues and friends silently stifle their cries and sniffles in pain. But she, she just stood frozen, eyes not daring to blink and her face refusing to showcase any emotion.
Knowing a little too well what they all already knew, she said what they needed to hear, "he is an organ donor. Let's not waste any time for the transplant teams." Addison said in small but flat voice.
"Addison, you sure you don't need more time with him?" Miranda asked wiping her eyes with the back of her hand.
Addison just replied with a nod to the side.
Richard then also spoke up, needing to break some news he rather he didn't. "Addie, there is something else. Mark, it looks like had not changed his medical proxy. It's still Derek, but he had exclusively stated that he was an organ donor. So that shouldn't really impact anything if Derek doesn't object."
Addison looked towards the back and saw Derek standing, he was a little astound with the new information.
"Then, does Derek believe that Mark had a reason not to donate his organs?" Addison flatly asked the room, ignoring Derek's presence mere seconds after noticing him.
Derek out of respect still responded, acknowledging he was very well not wanted in the room. Him needing to be there was something no one else cared for. It was just another slap as to why he had screwed things up so bad and there was no way to turn back time.
"No, not at all. He fully supported it," he said sombrely sealing his lips.
"Then arrange for the organ extraction in an OR with a viewing gallery. I want to watch." Addison stated.
Hearing an audible gasp, Addison heard almost everyone saying something along the lines of, don't put yourself through that, it's too much Addison, it will be too painful Addison, but she couldn't care wanted to see.
"He died in this hospital, it's the least this hospital owes me." Addison finished solemnly yet eyes fixated on Mark.
All the while Derek continued to watch the scene unfold, his own emotions failing him. He honestly had just wanted to sob, to sob miserably over Mark's body. Ask for forgiveness if that was even possible. Something now even Addison wouldn't allow him to do, let alone anyone else for that matter.
"Prep Dr Mark Sloan for the OR in OR 4 and alert the transplant team." Declared Richard.
She saw him finally leave the world; she saw him leave the world a better place. The couple whose child Mark delivered couldn't stop offering their condolences to her. Addison couldn't have been prouder. He spent his entire career making fun of her specialty, and yet the last medical miracle he pulled off was bring life into this world before leaving it himself. How incredibly poetic could his life be. He was perfect in every imperfect way. There wasn't a doctor, nurse or hospital staff member that didn't acknowledge the loss of Dr Mark Sloan that day, and even more so, his bravery at that crash site. He was going to be remembered as a hero, and for that she was grateful. She didn't want his actions against Derek to be the reason his legacy became tarnished. He deserved all the love that came his way from that day on.
Once the organs were extracted, and right before the monitors flatlined Addison went down to the OR to hold his hand for one last time. Even in death he was now going to save so many lives. All these things should have made her cry, but still she refused to let a single tear drop. She couldn't afford breaking down now. If she did, she wouldn't be able to get back up, and right now she had no one to care for her or her baby. She was on her own, and no matter what anyone told her, it was her reality to live. She had to do what was best for her child, and if that meant refusing to let anyone scratch her emotional barrier, then so be it. Kissing Mark's hand tenderly, she squeezed it hard to feel it one last time and then eventually walked out of the OR.
Derek, Richard, Miranda, and Callie all waited for her outside the OR. All of them extremely concerned with Addison's behaviour, and neither entirely sure of what sort of support she actually needed. In all these people it was ironic that the person who knew her the best, the one who not only would have been there for her, but also needed her to be there for him, was the one man no one wanted standing next to them. They were all too aware of the grief that Derek had caused Addison since her arrival, but his behaviour the last few months had been nothing short of despicable. It was childish and cruel.
No one was even sure how Derek could think he was going to be there for Addison when his viciousness had been so disturbing for being with the very man that now had passed away. Yet, no one spoke of it to him. They all knew it was also a farce for never admitting out loud how hurt he truly was. It didn't take a genius to figure out that it hurt Derek that Addison had moved on, it hurt that she was pregnant with Mark's child, and it hurt even more that she didn't even acknowledge his cruel jabs anymore. So, in return Derek became even more vicious with his words, while Addison's responded with silence. To the people that knew and loved Addison, they could all see through Derek's pathetic behaviour. He was just an idiot who couldn't watch his ex-wife be happy with someone that wasn't him. And to all the people who were on Derek's side, including most of the hospital, it was as if his behaviour was well earned and actions deserving.
Meredith on the other hand was the odd person stuck in this conundrum. She didn't care whether Derek hated Addison or not, probably because she was too naïve to understand the implication of she knew she didn't want her boyfriend thinking about her. So, it clearly bothered her that his hatred had become so all-consuming that it impacted their relationship. It didn't help that she had been responsible in a physical sense to break their marriage, as well as the fact that Addison had never ever behaved cruelly with her. The black panties incident was humiliating but still perfectly understandable. But post that Addison had been nothing but professional with her, which almost made Meredith inwardly hate her even more. Addison was a nice person by default. She didn't hold grudges or come out to get anyone. She just wanted what she deserved. Something she never got at Seattle Grace.
Once Addison had stepped out of the OR she let out a deep breath that she didn't know she held. Preparing herself for tackling the group of doctors that were waiting for her in the corridor she braced herself. Addison knew well enough that they all cared, even Derek, while it was purely out of guilt, but she really did just want to be left alone now. She needed to collect herself. She had some major decisions to make about her life, and they couldn't be done with anyone else's presence.
Breaking her attention and bringing her back to the present Derek spoke out of turn, "Addison you should please just take it easy, please this can't be good for you or your child." He spoke without a warning, and then immediately earned a glare from everyone standing beside him.
Addison simply ignored Derek's words, and then also looked away ignoring his presence as well. She wasn't doing it to be cruel or to show disdain. She just didn't have the mental capacity to deal with him at all.
"He wanted a simple funeral, which shouldn't be hard since we're in Seattle. I will call up a funeral service agency and get started, and then I'll let all our closest friends in New York know if they want to come over here. He wasn't in touch with his father, so I'll have to find out where he is, and if he even wants to come. The man honestly never bothered his entire life, so I doubt he will even rock up for his only son's funeral."
Addison spoke in a flat continuum, looking only at Richard.
Richard had also come to a conclusion that Addison wasn't okay. In fact, it was frightening how she was behaving. And right now, he needed to make sure he could help her. "How about this Addie, come home with me and Adele and then we can discuss what needs to happen? We don't have to do any of this today, we have time now." Richard wishing it was enough to get Addison to slow down her mind.
Derek just continued to watch in astonishment, his concern along with the others had now also grown rapidly. Addison was not okay. At best she had stifled a few screams from what he could remember just moments ago, but she had not actually shed any tears. She had just changed in an instant, turning numb.
Addison being so far away and lost in her own mind, just dully shook her head, "it not necessary Richard. I can't impose like that." Her voice as flat as before, and eyes as hollow as ever.
"Addison it's not imposing, for God's sake you just lost someone you loved today. It's okay to step back and let go of yourself. We are all here for you Addie. Please. Let us take care of you, it's not good for you, what you're doing isn't normal."
Addison simply wasn't in the mood to listen or even think about how she was behaving. Her mind was blank, and the voices she heard were all noise and burden. She wanted to just close her eyes and rest, and maybe not ever have to wake up.
"Richard please…," Addison said with her eyes now looking up to his.
"Addison, please I am ready to beg you for as long as it takes. Let us just take you home and we can all figure this out together."
Addison then just looked towards the floor. What was she supposed to say, when all she wanted was to go back to her home that she and Mark shared. She just wanted to feel his lingering presence before it all evaporated away. How was she supposed to say that? She couldn't fall apart in-front of these people in the hospital, they had already seen her crumble. She couldn't let them have the satisfaction of this as well. She loved Mark, but her love was never at the cost of her own dignity, and it was the one thing she had learned from her time with Derek. Love can never be at the cost of one's dignity.
"I want to go home Richard. Please" Addison tried again but feeling defeat.
This is when, Callie interrupted hoping to reach a middle ground, "How about I take Addison home? I can stay with her till whenever she needs me. I am sure even Miranda can help?" Addison wanted to protest, but Miranda eagerly said yes and that eventually pushed a frustrated Richard to also agree. "If you refuse to come with me then you have to accept this. We won't be letting you go alone at any cost. You're a daughter to me Addie, we love you too much." Richard finished.
Derek who couldn't even get a word through this exchange just continued to watch. He was glad that Callie had offered to go with her, there was no way that Addison should be left alone today or ever for the matter if this was going to be the state she was in. She wasn't okay, and this would have a serious impact on her down the line, of that, he was sure.
Trying once again Derek spoke, a little more pronounced, "Addison, let me arrange the funeral. I'll track his father down, please. You shouldn't have to deal with these things at all. Just let me take care of it." Derek pleaded hoping she would even listen.
Addison having enough of his stares and unwanted attention decided to address him this time, something inside of her igniting again.
"Believe me Derek you've done enough already. You were like a brother to him, and trust me when I say this, there wasn't a day that he didn't miss you." Her eyes now pushing remnants of emotion to the surface of her hollow ones.
She persisted, "you just refused to see him every time he tried. You don't think he told me about all those times he tried to get you to properly talk to him?"
Derek didn't want to think about this. The guilt would drown him if he did.
"Derek, wait up." Mark paced up behind Derek on his way out.
"Derek come on, let's go out and have a drink for old times' sake. We h've all moved on now, why do you still need to be bitter about everything.I really want you back in my life.
Derek who was leaving at the end of his shift, turned around sharply after hearing Mark's ludicrous suggestion. His eyes already enraged, and mind leaking with poison, "and what? You want to discuss how now you're the one fucking Addison? Clearly, we all have proof of that now don't we, so let me save you the breath."
"Derek, you don't have to be like this. You're happy now and so are we, why can't we all move forward." Mark thought almost frustratedly, he felt he was being completely reasonable with Derek. They had all made mistakes, why did only he and Addison had to suffer. More importantly Derek didn't even know about his own child yet. Knowing well that when he would find out, Derek would regret being such an ass. At least towards Addison if not him. Derek really didn't want to spare either of them, and it was getting out of control.
Derek who was still astounded at Mark's delusion thought he needed to make it more clear.
"Believe me when I say this, I don't ever want to see the both of you ever again." Derek spat.
"We are done, and the faster the two of you get out of here, the happier I'll be."
Derek squeezed his eyes shut at the memory. A regrettable choice of words that would haunt him for a long time. And the saddest part was, it wasn't even the worst of Mark's many attempts.
Bringing his attention back to the present his eyes once again met Addison's."And now Mark is gone Derek. He is dead as of today. You should know, for all purposes he died at your table. I know despite all the hell you put us through, Mark still meant something to you. But I am ONLY going to tolerate you because Mark still loved you like a brother, not because you cared or didn't care for him in return. I would just appreciate it if you left everything else to me, to care of, and kept your interference to a minimum. I am not stopping you from helping with the funeral, you should be able to say goodbye to him, and I won't deny you of that because I am not you. But don't EVEN for a second think that I need you there for anything. Do it because you care for Mark, otherwise, don't bother at all."
Addison hadn't raised her voice or even tried to get angry; she was just far too exhausted for that. All she did was state the facts, and made sure Derek understood where the line was.
Turning on her feet Addison walked away, leaving Derek with a face full of regret and eyes ready to shed water. The three of them were supposed to be best friends, what had they turned their lives into Derek thought out loud.