One more chapter - we are about halfway through the story now and Lydia wants to take charge...

Chapter 4

~ Thursday the twenty-first of November, after breakfast ~

It is raining again, and I am hiding in Jane and Lizzy's room so that I do not have to spend time with Mr Collins. That man is just too odious for words.

Lizzy is on her bed reading a book while I use her desk, so I may be distracted as I like to talk to her when things pop in my head sometimes. I know my thinking is not always as tidy as hers, a little like my side of our room really, Kitty is tidier than me.

Anyway, she just told me the story that Mr Wickham told her last night, and I thought I would write it so that I can decide how I feel about it.

Mr Wickham is a superbly handsome officer, certainly the handsomest of the whole militia stationed in Meryton. He only joined yesterday as well, so I expect a few months of training will sharpen the lines of his body quite nicely. Lizzy says I should not speak like this as I said the previous thought aloud. She is probably right as usual.

Anyway, Mr W, initials suit him I think, told her of being connected to the Darcys, he is the godson of the late master, and he was badly treated by the current Mr D. Funny initials don't seem enough for Mr Darcy, he somehow seems to have too much substance for just a letter. Mr Darcy did not give Mr W the living his father had promised. Lizzy said that should not be legal, but maybe there was something not done properly in the paperwork – that is why we should always use Uncle Phillips if we need paperwork done properly according to Lizzy. Our uncle is very good as his work. Maybe Mr Darcy should use him for all the documents he needs, and being so very rich he can pay uncle well, so that aunt can get the new hat she wants so much.

I don't know why something doesn't feel right. I need to think and then discuss it with Lizzy more, even though she can be as stubborn as me sometimes, and she really wants to dislike Mr Darcy and like Mr W.

I will get some tea sent up, and we can talk. I will write again after this, so there will be more today.

LMB

~ Same Thursday, about one hour later, same place ~

Mrs Hill added lemon tarts to out tea tray. I love Mrs Hill, lemon tarts are our favourites, mine and Lizzy's.

Lizzy says I really helped her today, so that makes me happy, as it is so often only the other way around. We started talking again about Mr W, and I tried to explain why his story did not feel right, it was complicated as I did not know what I meant, and Lizzy said we can use some of the techniques we used when I was little to help me calm down and allow me to get my thoughts out in a way that makes more sense. I did not use my journal as I don't want it to get as messy as my first ones were, so we used a piece of paper and I will keep it folded between the pages, I may want to look back at it later. Or I may not, who knows?

This time we both learned things about our thoughts.

Looking back, I did not trust Mr W because he reminded me of the Gypsy chieftain all these years ago. Is it not funny that so soon after I finally write my story down, someone just like that man appears? Lizzy says it was serendipity, I must remember that word, that I needed to remind myself of the danger I faced in the past to be able to recognise the danger we could face now.

Mr W is single-minded and greedy (Lizzy says we only suspect he may be, but I think he is, so I will write that he is, not may be). Like that man before who wanted more girls for his tribe – it is a good word for it, tribe – and was just going to take me without any care for my own wishes or my family's. Mr Wickham wants revenge on Mr Darcy – we do not know what for, but that does not matter – and he wanted to use Lizzy, even if there were consequences for her.

Why else would he tell that sad story to someone he has just met? Why would he say he doesn't want to expose Mr Darcy while doing just that? Lizzy thinks he is a clever man, who must have picked up on her negative thoughts about the silent man from the north, and he used her to try and blacken his enemy's name in town. We shan't do that of course.

I told Lizzy I think he also noticed the fact that Mr Darcy looks at her a lot, but she is not sure whether that is a sign he admires her or looks for faults in her. I told her I never look more than once, and that very briefly, at anything I do not find pretty, and she says she will think about it.

I know Charlotte thinks he admires our Lizzy as she told us. I think I would like him as a brother – a tall, dark, mysterious, intense brother like in a gothic novel. I wonder if Pemberley has an abandoned tower or maybe a dungeon.

And he has a sister my age, I would like one more sister, you can never have too many of these.

LMB

~ Still Thursday, just before bed ~

I could not wait for tomorrow to write the wonderful news. Mr Bingley's ball at Netherfield will be next Tuesday. I will sleep well, dreaming of all the dance partners I will have. This will be the first ball with enough gentlemen for all of us, and none will need to sit out any dance.

One more superb piece of news came by post today, our Aunt Gardiner has found a drawing master and has invited Kitty to go to London after Christmas to have a few lessons. It will be her first time in London, and she is so happy, she is practically glowing. Kitty looks so much more focused when she draws, I think that is who she will be, a passionate artist. She still hasn't drawn me, but maybe it is better to wait until she has had her lessons, so that she can capture all my prettiness.

Maybe after Kitty comes back, Mary can go for some piano lessons, her exhibition tonight was far too stiff and gloomy, and her voice is not as nice as Lizzy's or Jane's. I will talk to her soon, or get Lizzy to do it as I sometimes hurt Mary by saying things the wrong way. Isn't it funny that if Lizzy or Jane say something, she does not get so upset, but if it is me I sometimes get tears in her eyes. Maybe it is because I am younger. I do not like to see Mary cry, so I will get Jane to do it maybe.

Anyway, I am very happy. I did that for Kitty, I am a great sister.

LMB

~ Sunday the twenty fourth of November, very late again ~

I borrowed Papa's book again, the one about Africa. I think Lizzy only read what she felt was appropriate for my age at the time, for the book is bigger than I remember. And Lord, are some of the stories not simply gruesome? I am sure Lizzy left out all the chapters about the scavenging dog-like animals so that I would not be scared of our farm dogs, some of these beasts are simply vicious.

I will read more tomorrow, is it not ever so strange that Africa has animals that are so very scary and yet are related to the animals we have here? Like the lions and cheetahs against our cats, the jackals and fennec against our dogs and foxes, the wildebeest against our cows or the gazelle against a doe? I do not think we have anything to compare to their elephants and giraffes though, these are so large, I do not know where we would keep them. I would love to see an elephant, or maybe ride a camel, that would be fun.

The book has a whole section on rodents, I think I will look at that a little, but I will not read the chapters on insects. I do not like insects, Lizzy says they are so very useful, but I do not agree, I am sure we could find another way to feed small animals or pollinate flowers. I am still not sure I understand all about pollination, it is very complex and Sir William says it is critical to our estates, but mostly it is just about bees doing what bees do, how can that be important to us?

I do like bees, for they make honey, so maybe not all insects are that bad. I must ask Mary whether the Longs have any of their lavender flower honey left that they could give us. I saw her talking to Susie and her aunt after church so she will know, why else would she talk to Mrs Long for?

LMB

~ Tuesday the twenty sixth of November, the day of the Netherfield ball at last! ~

Finally, after days of constant rain, and constant ranting and rambling from both Mama and Mr Collins, we will be dancing tonight. Without the promise of a whole evening of fun, I would simply have gone mad.

I need to help Lizzy tonight, for Mr Collins wants to stay with her all evening. He wants to marry Lizzy and Mama is encouraging him. What a ridiculous man, why can he not notice that Lizzy cannot stand him? I need to find a way to prevent him from declaring himself, for Lizzy will rightfully reject him and then it will be open war with Mama. If it was another one of us, Mama would not be so angry, but she has never liked Lizzy and she does not care if my sister gets hurt as long as Mama gets to stay at Longbourn. Sometimes I am ashamed to be her daughter. Lizzy did not chose to be born a girl, and I love having her as a sister so I am glad she was.

Maybe I can get Mr Darcy to save Lizzy, although I do not think I want her to go as far as Derbyshire – I checked Papa's maps and it is so far, we would need to travel two or three days to go and visit, that is not practical. I don't have another gentleman who likes Lizzy and is rich enough though, so he will have to do. I hope Mama will not spoil everything, she has scared some of Jane's suitors before by being so very loud and crass.

Lord!

I just re-read what I wrote today and that is so very serious and dull. I am being silly. Mr Collins will not propose tonight, he has only known us for a week! I can be such a fanciful goose at times.

I do think Lizzy would love some help in keeping our family from humiliating ourselves though, so I can help her there. And as she spent so many hours teaching Mary new songs so we would not be subjected to inescapable dirge after solemn concerto for the whole time it rained, she deserves a reward.

Now, I have had some good thoughts about what I would like to change, but I need to sort through them, or I will forget some of the best ones. Let's think of what Lizzy would do.

Deep breath.

Let's pull the threads out for tonight so my head is clear.

One, I will distract the shabbaroon Collins so Lizzy can dance with better partners. I am sure I can convince him to dance with all the wallflowers as a kind act of Christian generosity. Shabbaroon is a good word, although I do not think our cousin is too mean spirited. Still, I have been wanting to write that word for a long time now and I have not found a better candidate.

Two, I will get Mary to play the song Lizzy taught her over the last few days, it is far more cheerful than her usual concertos, and she cannot sing as there are no words to the song. I love Mary, but I do not love her singing. I am not so very good a sister sometimes.

Three, I will keep Maria Lucas and Kitty with me, and we will not let the officers make fools of us. We are gentle ladies, and they are not rich enough to be worthy of us. Also I will need help, and they will be happy to be my henchmen for an evening. Or henchwomen – is that a word? It makes us sound like brigands or highway robbers, I quite like that.

Four, Mama. I do not know what I will do, as Papa will not help. Perhaps I can recruit Aunt Phillips to my cause; she may know how to keep Mama quiet. Even if most of the neighbourhood ignores her most of the times, after four days indoors with her, I simply cannot hear anymore of how Jane could not be so beautiful for nothing, and how dear Mr Bingley will offer for her any day now. I still don't see how the man could be in love and still stay so uniformly dull! And I do not know that Miss Bingley will make a good sister either. Mrs Hurst may make a second Mary I guess, and she has pretty bangles and bracelets and like Mary she plays well, but has no voice.

So that adds another point.

Five, observe Jane and her suitor to see if anything of note will ever come from that direction.

I would love to add a six for helping Lizzy and Mr Darcy fall in love, but I do not know how. I think Lizzy has considerably softened her opinion after our talk, but just not disliking the man is not that promising.

Never mind, I will go lie down for an hour or two now, so that I am fully rested tonight. I have so much work, but I want Lizzy to have the best ball of her life, so I will not fail.

LMB