Chapter 17

Sat in the dimmed lights of his office with a generous glass of scotch in hand, Richard Castle leaned back in his desk chair alone with his thoughts. He was mad at himself and for good reason. He had let his imagination get the better of him by convincing himself of things that were merely fiction. The selfish act of confronting Kate about something that had clearly never crossed her mind, and then to go and blow it out of proportion. No wonder she had asked him to leave.

Looking back on it now she was right not to bring up the conversation she had with Demming. It was in no way helpful to their relationship. The fact Kate had zero qualms about shutting him down proved to him that there was no malice on her end. Bringing it up would only bring harm to their situation and that is exactly what it had done.

"What's got you looking so brooding and thoughtful?" Martha said appearing in the doorway of his office.

"Hmm?" he hummed snapping out of his thoughts. "Oh, nothing. Just… thinking."

"I can hear the cogs turning from here. What's going on?"

It's a mother's intuition to know instantly when something was disruptive in their child's life. It acted almost as a sixth sense and Martha evidently put hers to good use.

"It's Kate," he sighed. He put the empty glass on his desk, the glass and the mahogany connecting louder than he intended.

"Oh. So I was right? You two are a little more than colleagues?" She could see the distress in his eyes when he looked up at her disapprovingly.

"Things started when I was protecting her. It wasn't in any way serious but it didn't take long for us to realise that maybe we wanted more. We agreed to take things slow, but now that we have that chance it's like we don't know how to act around each other." He scoffed. "I mean, we've only known each other a few months but we've been joined at the hip ever since. Like how are we supposed to go back and start over if I can't even trust her to be around other men? I mean, what does that say about me?"

"Oh, so this is about trust?" Martha winced, then stepped into the office and stood across the desk from her son. "What happened?"

"I accused her of going behind my back and leading on a former flame." The look in her eye urged him to continue. "I saw something that wasn't there and made a big deal out of it before giving her the chance to explain. And when she did explain I kept trying to find ways to catch her out, almost as if I wanted it to be true. As if I wanted to have a reason not to trust her."

"Richard Castle, that is the stupidest thing I've ever heard! What were you thinking?"

"I wasn't! I just…" He sighed and gathered his thoughts. "We overreacted."

"We?" Martha repeated. "You men throw around the word 'overreact' like you don't know the meaning. I'm sure Kate simply reacted in a means that was appropriate considering your actions."

Rick put his face in his hands and groaned, throwing his head back. He was well aware that his mother's intentions were pure but for some reason she always seemed to give him more reasons to stress.

Martha continued after giving him a moment to whine. "Have you considered that maybe the reason this fight happened was because neither of you know what you want? Because it sounds to me like the reason you're taking it slow is because you don't want anything to change."

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"You two met under abnormal circumstances and were forced to live together, seeing nobody else other than each other. An attraction blossomed fuelled by the fact it would be frowned upon if anyone found out. A forbidden love is always fiery and exhilarating, something everyone dreams of experiencing at some point in their lifetime. But now that you're back in the real world where the forbidden aspect is gone, that blossom has wilted."

"So you're saying we're kidding ourselves?"

"Not at all. I'm saying you two need to take a step back and maybe reevaluate your relationship. No successful relationship, romantic or not, ever starts with two strangers spending every minute of every day together. Have you ever thought of the pressure that could put on a relationship?"

"But we talked about it. We both want this."

"And I believe you do. I just think you need to take a breath of fresh air and spend some time apart before trying again."

She's right. How are we supposed to have a relationship when we both have unrealistic expectations? I thought once this whole protection period was over that we could just continue where we left off and jump into something just as fun. But we can't. We both have jobs, families, responsibilities that make this a whole lot more complicated than it was when it was just us. When we could focus on just each other with no distractions.

Maybe that's why I reacted the way I did about Demming. I was used to having Kate all to myself that I flipped seeing her with someone I knew she was once intimate with. Someone who also knows what an amazing woman she is. Someone who has the same chances of being with her that I do.

I got jealous. I got jealous and took it out on the person who deserved it least of all. In fact, no one deserved it because it was something I had completely made up in my head. All because I'm crazy about Kate and I don't want anything to get in the way and mess it up.

"You're right," he unwillingly conceded. "You're absolutely right."

"Of course I am!"

"I guess it's all the more reason to do this book tour Paula and Gina have been pressing me about."

"A tour?" Martha exclaimed. "You haven't toured in almost four years."

"They've been asking me for the past year and every time I have some excuse as to why I can't go. But this time I'm all out of excuses. It'll give Kate and I some time to think things through, figure out exactly what we want here. And maybe once I'm back we'll be able to start over for real."

"I hope you know what you're doing," she sighed. "You have to treat this delicately or it'll all blow up in your face."

Castle watched his mother disappear into the darkness of the living room once again leaving him alone. He had learned over the years to appreciate his mother's unsolicited advice to the full extent. While it can initially drive him to insanity, in the end she's always right in some shape of form.

After twenty minutes Castle ended the call with Gina Cowell, his publisher. The book tour had officially been confirmed. There would be a meeting the following day covering which European cities he would be visiting. Everything moves fast in this business, even faster when he hadn't toured in over four years.

Since he had first discovered Kate was a fan of his Rick Rodgers books Castle had considered so many ways of surprising her by revealing it was him. He had almost told her that night he gave her an advanced copy of his new book but had chickened out and told her he had connections. He couldn't tell her he was going on a book tour without bringing that up and now that they weren't on the best of terms it didn't seem like a suitable time. Either way he was going away for a month and Kate deserved to know.

The following afternoon Castle got a cab to the precinct, but this time instead of making his way up to the bullpen he decided to call Kate first.

"Beckett!" she answered with purpose. She clearly hadn't looked at the caller ID before answering.

"Kate, it's me," Castle said. "Umm, I was hoping we could talk today."

"Castle, this isn't a good time," she said in a hushed voice. "I'm working."

"No, I know! I was hoping we could maybe grab lunch. And before you say no I'm downstairs."

There was silence on Kate's end of the call. Then she said, "I'll be down in five," before the line went dead.

After the longest five minutes of his life, Castle saw Kate exit the precinct onto the street. He quickly noticed that she was still wearing her holster with her gun and had her car keys in her hand. Not exactly what you'd expect one to wear to a lunch date.

"Great, you're here!" Castle said with a smile. "So, I was thinking maybe Remy's for burgers and shakes? Or if you'd just rather coffee-."

"Castle," Kate interrupted. "I'm in the middle of a case and I have to be back up there in five so whatever you have to say just say it."

Any hope he had of mending fences before he left had just been tossed out the window. Her cold demeanour didn't mask the fact that she was still mad at him.

"Oh. I was kind of hoping to talk to you about last night."

"Can't we do this another time?" she asked dismissively. "I'm not sure an apology right now will fix anything."

"No, it won't. You're right." He sighed. "I was just hoping we'd get the chance to talk before I left."

"Left?" Kate questioned. "Where are you going?"

"Europe, for work." He knew now was not the time to go into details about his second career as a successful author. "I'm leaving tomorrow afternoon."

"Convenient," she scoffed as she folded her arms. "So what? One argument and you're going to travel halfway across the world to escape it?"

"That's why I wanted to talk to you now. The last thing I want on my mind when I'm over there is that I left you here feeling like shit." He watched as she stood in silence, so he took a step closer to her. "Kate, I have to go. I can't back out of it now."

"You never said anything about it before the fight. Is this an impulsive decision?"

"Yeah, it is," he admitted. "But I think it'll be good for us."

"Good for us?" she repeated.

"The time apart, I mean. We've been spending every second of every day together for the past few weeks. I just think it has put a lot of pressure on us. Pressure that neither of us were prepared for."

Kate wanted nothing more than to run into his arms and drown in his warm embrace. The last thing she wanted was to be mad at him. Moving past this fight was something she knew she could do, but she needed some time. Not a month, but a couple of days.

"I'm serious about you, Kate," Castle continued. "I don't want that stupid selfish overreaction to get in the way of ruining this."

"It won't," she said reassuringly. "I just need some time, okay? Have a good trip, Rick. And don't forget to call me once in a while."

It was subtle but the smile Kate flashed him before making her way back inside the precinct reignited the glimmer of hope for their relationship. Though it hadn't happened how he had planned it out in his head, he had spoken his mind and said all he could. The ball was in Kate's court now and he had a good feeling about it.