XVII

Sirius went to The Ten Spot, with his roommates, the thrift store Marlene had shown him. They lost James and Peter in the mess of racks, and Remus was across from him, sifting through things. Every so often, he would hold up funny items so they could laugh about it together. "What about this one?" Remus asked, holding up a shirt of a cat wearing a Santa hat. Sirius doubled over, snorting with amusement.

"That looks like something James's grandmother would wear."

Remus looked confused. "Nana Potter likes Santa cats?"

"Nana Potter?" Sirius said, clutching at a stitch in his side from laughing too hard.

"What would your grandmother wear?"

"Not that."

"What's your family like?" Remus asked. "You never talk about them."

"The Potter's are my family," Sirius said dismissively.

"Yeah… but your other family."

Sirius didn't want to talk about this. He didn't like to talk about them. Remus knew the cliff notes version of what his family was like. They were horrible; they disowned him and then he went to live with the Potter's. He had gotten good at telling people the bare minimum of the entire situation. Maybe he had gotten good at telling people the bare minimum of his feelings in most situations. He was trying to talk about things, though. He really was.

It made him uncomfortable, but he was trying to sit with that feeling and push through it. "They are…" he said, slowly trying to coax the words out. "They care a lot about tradition and I was never good enough. Nothing I ever liked was acceptable."

"You have a brother, right?"

"Yeah," Sirius said. His brother was a much deeper wound. He hated thinking about his relationship with him. "His name is Regulus. I feel like they pit us against each other. For a long time, it was the two of us against the world. But one day he started taking their side. That was when things were really bad." He passed the hangers from one hand to the next, staring at them, feeling like his words were alien to him. He could hear himself talking, but didn't feel connected to it. "My dad would hit me and then Regulus would tell me I should just pretend, not be me, then they would stop."

"I'm sorry," Remus said, his voice sounding far away.

Sirius didn't get why everyone was always telling him to talk about things. He didn't feel any better.

"Do you ever talk to your brother?"

He sniffled, his eyes stinging. He had reached the limit of what he was prepared to say, but didn't know how to express it. Sirius gripped the hanger, eyes fixed on it. He didn't even register that Remus walked around the racks to him. He wrapped his arms around Sirius, the scent of sage enveloping him. A sense of calm washed over him. He thought maybe this was why people talked about things, so you didn't have to carry it alone.

Remus looked at the gap in the hangers where Sirius's hands had been. He pulled a hanger with a large black and white flannel on it. "This is perfect for you," he told him with a grin. Sirius snatched it out of his hands, all thoughts of the conversation evaporating. He rushed over to a mirror, pulling the flannel on. It smelled gross, like incense and mothballs. But it was cozy and perfect. Remus grinned behind him. "It looks good."

"It does?"

Remus wrapped his arms around him from behind, his chin on Sirius's shoulder. "You always look good." Sirius could feel a grin pulling across his face. Then Remus sniffed his shoulder, saying, "you don't smell like you, though. You need to wash it."

Sirius pivoted around to face him. His hands were still on his waist as Sirius looked up at him. He raised up onto his toes, so that they were eye to eye. He knew he needed to talk to Remus. A part of him wished Remus would be the one to do it, to tell him he wanted to be with him. But he knew after what had happened that he was waiting for him. The way Remus was looking at him made him want to blurt it out. Just say it right then and there. However, this was not the place. So Sirius smiled at him, gently saying, "you're the one who always looks good."

James and Peter appeared behind the rack next to them. "Nice shirt," James said, pretending he hadn't noticed the moment between Sirius and Remus. Peter was having a harder time. He was glancing between the two, as if he was really seeing them for the first time.

The boys took the subway home. The train was busy, and they had to stand. By the time they got home, Sirius was tired and his feet hurt. He flopped onto his bed, hanging his feet off the edge. His shoes were still on. He lay like that for a while, trying to muster the energy to move and take his shoes off.

Finally, James came into his room. "Can you take these off?" Sirius groaned into his mattress.

"No," James scoffed. "What the fuck? Did you eat one of Pete's pot gummies?"

"I'm tired," he whined, sounding like a petulant child. Sirius turned his face to look at James. Pouting, as he said, "please."

James rolled his eyes and then tugged the shoes off his feet. He struggled on the second one, falling back slightly as he pulled it free. Sirius grunted and snickered as he rolled onto his back. James sat beside him, silently watching him.

"Yes?" Sirius asked incredulously. Then James raised his eyebrows, tilting his head. For once, Sirius knew exactly what was going on. "Remus?" He asked.

"Yeah," he said, poking Sirius's arm.

"I like him, but you already know that."

"And?"

"And what?"

"And what happened?" James said, exasperated.

"He asked me about my family. So, I told him about them," Sirius said, biting his lip. "I think I'm going to call Regulus."

"You should do that," James encouraged. He was always so encouraging about Sirius's family. Whatever he wanted to do, he would always support it. "But that's not what it looked like we walked up on."

"You didn't walk up on anything," Sirius said, receiving an eye roll from James. "I mean, not really," Sirius struggled. "I want to talk to him. I want to be with him."

James grinned, "you two are cute together."

Sirius pulled his shirt up over his head, squirming slightly, hiding in it.

"I'm serious," James added.

He peeked one eye out of his t-shirt. "No, I'm-"

"Don't you dare-"

"Sirius! I'm Sirius."

James groaned loudly. "You're an idiot."

"Come on, I have some redeeming qualities."

"Many," James reassured.

"How's Lily?" Sirius asked, watching James shift at just the mention of her. His eyes looked dreamy. Sirius thought he must be the happiest person in the world. If talking about his feelings got him what Lily and James had, then he would do it.

"Great, I love her," James told him. Sirius marvelled at how easily the words rolled off his tongue. He listened as James prattled off things he loved about Lily. Explaining that their anniversary was coming up. "I think I'm going to take her to this rooftop patio to celebrate. It's supposed to have an amazing view of the city."

"You're like an actual adult," Sirius marvelled. "Going on adult dates and shit."

"You and Moony will have to come on double dates with us," James said warmly.

Sirius's eyes widened. He had been so focused on telling Remus how he felt he hadn't thought of what came after. What actually dating would be like. "I guess," he said.

"Don't freak out," James chuckled.

"I'm not."

"You are."

"You're right," Sirius said.

"Why?"

He exhaled sharply. "What if I'm a bad boyfriend? I didn't even think about dates and crap. It's taken me three years to even tell him I like him."

"It won't be that different," James encouraged. "You already bring him tea and cuddle. You buy him nice things. You hang out and do cute stuff. It won't be that different, really. Only you won't have all that awkward tension."

"I want what you and Lily have," he admitted. "I want what mom and dad have."

James smiled at Sirius, calling his parents' mom and dad. "What you and Moony have is special, too," he told him. "It will only get better once you actually talk to him." Then James rose to his feet, about to leave the room. Sirius thought he should say something. Thank him for being so understanding. For always giving him advice. But he couldn't think of what to say that quickly.

He stood up and launched himself at him. Wrapping him in a bear hug, pinning his arms down. Sirius wrapped around him, his head at waist level. "Thanks," he mumbled. "For always putting up with me."

"You're like my brother. I'm not just putting up with you," James told him. "I love you."

"Me too," Sirius said, sitting with the discomfort. "I love you too."

James lifted his arm and patted Sirius's hands. "I know. But… uh… can I have my arms back?"

"Oh yeah, sorry," Sirius said, letting him go.