Shelby corcoran was sitting in her living room, contemplating her life the day of her 38th birthday. Her sorrows and joys, her successes and her mistakes and her regrets.
She was born into a poor family 38 years ago from here, her parents loved her as much as they love her today, her sister Althéa always had her back, always available on the slightest call even after her marriage to an art teacher. Shelby had met Dan several times before he married her sister and Shelby had no doubt that he would be the perfect man for her sister. He loved her and would be spportive of her daily life rythme by obsessive-compulsive disorder.
Shelby particularly remembers the support she received from her family when she became pregnant at the age of 17. At the time, she was in a relationship with Ryan, who wasn't the brightest boy in high school, but she was charmed by his kindness. They met when Shelby was in charge of tutoring him in math, and their relationship quickly evolved from friendship to first love.
The first time they made love, Shelby had felt loved like never before, he had been gentle and respectful. But they were two reckless teenagers, using protection had been forgotten to make way for a night of a thousand wonders.
The result of that night was like a cold shower for Shelby when, three months later, two small pink lines disrupted her life and her future. She told Ryan first, a lump in her stomach and a knot in her throat as she announced to him in the middle of the library, with only three words: "I'm pregnant". Ryan had imitated a fish out of water for several seconds, which seemed like hours to Shelby. When he came to his senses with a shake of the head, Shelby was prepared to hear "are you sure it's mine? "or "Please get rid of it", but Ryan simply said, "Whatever you choose to do with this baby, I'll support you and...and I've-I've got some money, I could even sell stuff to get more and-and-and" Shelby silenced him with a kiss before taking him in her arms, and just listening to his heartbeat.
She had invited him to dinner with her parents and Althéa one Friday evening when she was four months pregnant. Shelby knew she had to tell her parents, because she wouldn't be able to hide her growing belly for long, and my God, what she wouldn't have given for a bigger pair of jeans back then.
She and Ryan had decided to wait and see how their parents reacted before deciding what would happen to the baby. Ryan had told his mother the day before and his mother had just said "you're just like your father" before leaving the room, leaving Shelby to comfort her boyfriend and reassure him that he was nothing like his father, she knew he would never abandon his child or beat up the mother.
The dinner was going well when Shelby, caught by the nerves and no longer able to wait, dropped her cutlery and cleared her throat.
"Mom, dad," she said in a trembling voice, "and ... Althéa. I have to tell you a something... I have.. Ryan and I don't have..." Shelby was unable to form a cohesive sentence and felt herself retracted when she raised her head and saw the warm look of her mother's blue eyes, the harder but equally loving look of her dad and the huge doe eyes of her sister... Why did Althéa have such big eyes?
Shelby turned her head to look at Ryan, his brown eyes so soft, so reassuring. They nodded and Ryan spoke calmly.
"Mrs. and Mr. Corcoran" god, his voice trembled as much as Shelby's a few minutes earlier "and Althéa..your daughter and I love each other and ...".
"I'm pregnant" The world seems to have stopped spinning when Shelby's voice was heard. Her mother stood up and watched Ryan and her daughter as if she was watching a tennis game. Her father continued to chew softly while Emma had finished her imitation of bambi to replace it with a one of nemo, her mouth opening and closing but without any sound coming out of it.
"Joyce will you please sit down" it was her father who spoke first, as calm as ever " Did he forced you?" . .
Shelby could only gently shake his head while Ryan had taken an air of vexation.
"no, no he didn't force me...he was very respectful and intentional" Althéa look liked she wanted to die. The father nodded before asking what Shelby intended to do with the child. Ryan and Shelby exchange a look before gently smiling and nodding. "We would like to keep it".
Ryan and Shelby had move in together when she was six months pregnant. Ryan had decided to leave school to work in his uncle's carpentry shop, they had found a small apartment in town. It wasn't fancy but it was a roof and the promise of a future. Althéa and Joyce only talked about the future baby, one buying clothes and stuffed animals with the pocket money she had accumulated with her student job and the other knitting a hat for a month...at least Shelby thought it was a hat, she wasn't exactly sure what it was.
Shelby was happy, the future looked bright and she loved Ryan more than anything. Once the anxiety of the announcement to tehir parents had passed, Shelby lived the most beautiful months of her life.
Until June 13, at her 8th month of pregnancy. She had been waiting for Ryan for a long time, worried about his delay, he was always home at 4 pm, it was 6 pm when his uncle knock on her door, his hat in his hands and a dark look on his face. Tears track cascading through the dust on his face. Shelby understood.
His funeral was a week later. His friends came, Shelby's family had all come tears in their eyes, his uncle was there too, his mother had not come but Shelby knew it was better this way.
In the weeks that followed, the carpentry close, the apartment was emptied and Shelby returned to the room in her parents' house. Spending hours in her bed sometimes comforted by the hugs of her sister, the sweet caresses of her mother in her hair and the hesitant words of her dad. She was devastated by grief.
Two weeks before her due date, Shelby made the decision to give the baby to adoption. She will love this baby, she did not doubt it for a second, but she also knew that her mental state would not allow her to take care of it in the best way possible. Her mother asked her several times if she was really sure, and then helped her by contacting an agency of adotpion.
Shelby spent the last week of her pregnancy meeting potential future parents. It was Leroy and Hiram Berry who conquered her heart, two men who loved each other more than anything in the world despite a society that did not accept them, who did not understand them They were charming and kind, she could tell them about Ryan, and they had listen and console. Shelby knew it was the best choice to raise this child. They promised to give as much news as possible.
The farewell was quick between Shelby and the baby, Rachel, a little girl with a tuft of brown hair in the middle of the head and big attentive brown eyes. After the baby left, Shelby was empty. In every way.
Her depression was not getting better, bearing now the loss of Ryan, Rachel and what could have been. It was Emma who forced her out of bed to go to a psychiatrist. From that day on, Shelby rebuilt herself slowly but surely. she's rebuilding a life, for her and especially for Ryan.
At the age of 21 Shelby graduated from the New York School of Drama and was headlining "into the woods" on broodway. The berry stayed true to their words, sending letters and photos of Rachel every three months. They had proposed to Shelby to visit Rachel for her birthday, but she refused. It was too hard. The Berry were her parents now, not Shelby.
Shelby continued her career until she was 25, it was a very brief career but that was enough for Shelby. For 4 years she stayed at the head of several shows and it was as fun as ever. It was the attention she was receiving that pushed Shelby out. One of her co-stars ( Shelby didn't know who for sure but she'd bet on Cassandra as she never liked sharing spotlight and was petty) had offered an interview in which she explained, that before each show, Shelby spoke by herself in her dressing room while looking up. Shelby refused to comment or deny these words, people would think of her as a madwoman and her discussions with Ryan were private.
During these four years, the letters and photos from the Berry have diminished, although Shelby does not blame the parents, far from the eyes away from the heart after all. Far away from each other and yet Shelby still think about what could have been, how would life be if she had this child? How would her life be if the carpentry had respected all the safety rules ? Shelby knew three things at the time: one she wanted a child, two if Ryan had been there he would always help someone who needed that help and three, she had to make an appointment with her shrink.
Thus, at the age of 26, working as a writer, Shelby corcoran entered a CPS center and proclaimed to the secretary : «I want to become a foster parents... please». her voice had not wavered like when she had announced her pregnancy to her parents, she had not trembled like when she had called Althéa to announce the death of her boyfriend, her body had not folded on itself like when she had thrown a "no comment" at reporter asking her who she was talking to before performing.
The secretary behind the counter had looked at her with big round eyes before her face soften : "it will be necessary to make some test before honey".
After tests and tests and a few more tests that had lasted a total of ten months, after rearranging her house, Shelby finally received a phone call from Charlie. Charlie Hooman was one of the social worker working for cps, his call felt like a blessing for Shelby.
That's how Shelby met Santana Lopez, a fierce 9-year-old Latina, a year older than Rachel... The little girl had been taken from her mother after an anonymous call had been made. Maribel Lopez was a crack addict and had forgotten she had a child. Santana lived in filth and provrety, she had learned to survive alone and did not hide her discontent, hit and bite. Shelby was to be her third placement in three months...
Shelby knew she was going to have to work to earn the child's trust. And even if it hurt her heart and maybe also her ego a little to admit, Shelby was a little frightened by Santana and her tight fist.
For two years, Shelby and Santana worked together to make their relationship work. There were blows, bites, tears ( especially from Shelby), silent treatmants, but gradually, Santana began to see a person she could trust in Shelby.
The 38-year-old Shelby laughed at all this, it was hard for her to think that the little girl who bit her ankle when she scolded her for saying rude words was the same person as the 21-year-old girl who slept peacefully upstairs after spending the day making a cake in house shape in Shelby. Sure, Santana still had some anger control issues but no ankle had been bitten for a while.
Shelby also took a moment to appreciate her family who had supported her and had accepted her choice and the presence of Santana without problem. The Corcoran parents had retired and now lived on a farm, Althéa owned her own bakery.
At 29, Shelby was still talking to Ryan at night in her backyard. Looking at the stars, she told him about Santana with whom she had been living now for three years, that she point he would have loved her personality. One night, while she was telling Ryan that Santana had come back with an A+ in math and that she had acted like it wasn't a big deal while being secretly very proud of her, Shelby stopped for a while.
Her eyes filled with tears all of sudden without her consent and with a trembling sigh, looking up at the sky again: "I haven't heard from Rachel for two years, watch over her for me okay?".
At the age of 30, while she was having breakfast with Santana and her sister, Shelby's phone rang and a number that she had not seen since four years was displayed.
Charlie Hooman had a little girl who was due to leave the hospital in a week and who could really use a warm home, had nowhere to go. Shelby hesitated, was she capable ?
She turned to Santana, and if there was an opinion, it was the one of the 13-year-old girl she wanted to have. She quickly explained what Charlie had just told her and saw Santana's eyes fill with fog. "If you don't accept it, who will?". Shelby nodded and gently squeeze Santana's hand. She felt Althéa'shand landing on her shoulder when she said a soft "okay" to Charlie.
Quinn Fabray was a small 8 years old with long blond hair and hazel eyes. When Shelby first met her, the little girl had one side of her head shaved, a bandage was hiding the scar where the surgeon had to work to care for the little girl. Shelby flattered the first time her eyes had looked with of the child's in the hospital bed. it was terrified.
Quinn had looked Shelby in the eye three seconds before putting her gaze back on the tablet in front of her. She even slipped a little to disappear under the tablet. Shelby had looked at Charlie and he had made a sign to asking to follow him out of the room.
"It's always overwhelming to see a child who has suffered physical abuse, I know you didn't have to deal with it with Santana... Look, Shelby, every kid is different, and I understand if you refuse to take care of Quinn. You'll also have to deal with her injuries or hire a nurse to do it...and her injuries are...traumatic Shelby. Refusing to take care of Quinn, doesn't make you a bad person..." Charlie said softly. Shelby slowly turned her head to look at the little blonde in bed, she had put her chin on the shelf and was looking at the celling.
"What are the injuries ?" Shelby looked Charlie straight in the eye while he offered her a small smile before listing Quinn's wounds.
A traumatic brain injury, with cerebral lessions, the doctors were reassuring by explaining that Quinn will keep all her cognitive functions but could have difficulties as concentration disorders, speech disorders and migraines.
A broken wrist, bruises, cuts on her back and buttocks. Scars all over her body.
Charlie took a big breathe before continuing.
A perforation of the intestine and perineum.
This time Shelby breathed the same trembling sigh like the day she announced her pregnancy. Her heart broke like the day Ryan died. She looked up at the sky for a moment. She thought of Santana for a moment. She thought of Quinn.
"okay".
Shelby visited Quinn all day for a week before she could return home. In total, Quinn had spent three months in this hospital, so a fear of the hospital was to be expected. The nurses showed Shelby how to tend to the minor injuries, and Shelby hired a nurse to deal with the incistion of the brain operation on the skull and the one that goes from hes navel to her crotch. The nurse would also take care of the sticthes on the child private part.
Quinn had not said a word to Shelby, she cried a lot and was so scared, that she would hid under her cover everytime an adult would come in. Santana kept asking Shelby when she could visit Quinn, she was reticent to accepete due to the visible injuries on the blonde but ended up accepting a day before Quinn would move in. Shelby didn't explain the extand of the injuries to Santana and the young teen was glad for that.
Santana flinch a little but regained her compusre quickly the first time she met Quinn. She handed her a dumbo plush, which she had insist to buy with her pocket money, Quinn looked at the plush a moment before reaching with her un-injured hands and take the plush. The next day, Shelby returned home with Quinn in her arms and Santana ready to bit the ankles of every person that would look at them wrong.
Today, sitting in her armchair, her stomach full of cake and a glass of wine in her hand, Shelby looks at the painting that adorns the walls of her living room. Portraits, animals, landscapes were scattered between some photos. Quinn's art is beautiful. The first two years spent with Quinn in the house were so hard...the 16-year-old girl who sleeps in her room, the nights often destroyed by terrible nightmares was still disturbing but was rebuilding. Accompany by "ankle bitter" and the corcoran family, with whom the girls had shared a big party when Santana was 16 and Quinn 11, when they officially became themself corcoran.
Shelby sighed before rising, putting hes glass on the small table in the living room. She was careful not to make noises not to wake the girls upstairs and slipped between the doors to find herself in the garden.
She gently raised her eyes to the sky, the sky was unraveling, the stars glistening above her head.
"Oh Ryan" hes voice was soft "twenty years without you, and I still miss you as much. The girls, these children hurt by life, are great Ryan. I love them so much, you'd like them too, you know?" Santana swears as much as you, Quinn dreams like you... But I'm thinking today more than the other days, I'm thinking about Rachel, she turned 20 last month and it's what? 10 years that I have no news. I know it's better this way but what happens to her? Is she happy? ... Does she look like you?" Shelby sighed again before kissing the sky.
She returned to the living room to pick up her glass when she heard someone knock on the door. She frowned before looking at the clock, it is three o'clock in the morning who could it be?
The blows become more and more important before Shelby arrives at the door: "I'm coming, jesus, gives me a second".
The door opened revealing there on her doorstep, just a few centimeters from her, a little brunette with big brown eyes...oh god, she does look like
Notes : thank you for the review. I realised that i posted my draft and not my final chapter. There's still mistakes because english isn't my first language, i am activily looking for a beta tho so we'll see.
I change Shelby's sister from Emma to an Oc while i was writing so her name was still in the draft i accidentaly posted. Emma will appears later but not as Shelby's sister. Thank you for reading !