CHAPTER 1 - LIFE.

Abdication…

Self-exile…

Hated by your entire family…

Stop that! No you're not! Sally and mom still love you… Well somewhat, they still talk to you, it's just… Kinda awkward

Dad fucking hates your guts though

But I suppose it's not that bad since you hate his guts too…

… Wait, where was this inner monologue going again?

Maybe stop talking to yourself like a fucking moron and actually get some sleep, Elias.

I turned around in bed to try and get some sleep, but then, as soon as I shut my eyes, the sound of the alarm on the bedside table began to ring.

For fucks sake.

I had no choice but to get up, get up and face another day of work, working outside as a lumberjack cutting down trees that were supposedly "disturbing the peace" (whatever the fuck that's supposed to mean) of the community. I suppose I don't really have a right to complain, it makes me decent wages and it's enough to provide what we need for the family. I quickly turned the alarm off and stood up, though quickly fell back on the bed as I felt light headed. Not sleeping for a second night in a row really was beginning to take its toll… Though I have no time to bitch and whine about it, I have to get myself ready for the day and get my job done.

I got up again, managing to stay upright this time, and got my clothes on for the day. The other side of the bed was empty, so I knew she was already awake, she's usually up before me to tend to her daughter so that's no surprise. I walked out of the room and surprise surprise, there she was at the breakfast table already, Alexis in arms. She looked up at me with a tired looking smile.

"Morning."

"Hey, she woke you up early again?" I sat down across from her, beginning to eat the pre-made breakfast she'd made for me.

"Yeah, unfortunately. I didn't want to wake you up since you have to go out today."

"There was no real point in not, I'm not really bothered if you wake me up, I didn't really sleep last night anyways."

"Oh, Elias, that's two nights in a row now! I told you if you weren't able to sleep to take your melatonin, that's what it was prescribed to you for!"

There she goes at me again. "Well soorrryyy, I didn't wanna get up to take it, I can handle being sleep deprived, I've had to do it many times before."

"Yeah, and it's not good for you, neither is that smoking habit you have. You ought to try to give it up." Smoking habit this, smoking habit that, can I ever catch a break?! It's my life for Christ's sake.

"I… Guess I'll try, somehow, I don't know how, but I can try."

"I talked to my dad about it a while ago, he talked about these nicotine patch things you can buy to give you the nicotine fix you need whilst you go through withdrawal. He'd know more about it than me since he used them to give up smoking himself, you remember that." Yes, I did. Joss tried to get me to join him in quitting smoking, but I eventually caved and went back to my habit. It feels like something I can't shake, something I'll never be able to get rid of, my only way to cope…

"As I said, I'll look into it. I have to go for now." I stood up, putting my bowl in the sink, saying goodbye to both Meg and Alexis before picking up my axe and going outside to the oh so familiar forest to get my quota for the day. After getting the quota, I met up with Joss, and after that it was just tree, after tree, after tree, after tree to cut down. Man, how sick I am of trees at this point.

Though I had to take a break after a certain one that was tough to get down, it nearly came cascading down on me and crushed me, but luckily Joss was able to get me out of the way before it did, but he was not happy about it at all.

"Jesus, Elias, keep your head in the game for fucks sake! What were you thinking just standing there like an idiot!? You know by now to get out of the way if you see it's gonna come down on you!" Great, now yet again I'm a disappointment to another parental figure in my life. I didn't say anything, just growling audibly and sitting on the ground, taking out my pack of cigarettes and a lighter to light one up. I think he caught on that he'd clearly stepped over the line, so he came and sat next to me.

"...Sorry about that. I probably sounded like your own old man right there, didn't I? I don't think you're stupid, I was just worried for you. I'm worried about you in general, you don't seem to be doing too well recently. Have you and Megan been at each other again?" I took a long inhale of smoke and exhaled it out.

"No, we haven't. I just… I don't know, have you ever gotten sick of this job? Like, all we do is just cut down trees all day, you've never gotten sick of doing it? At all?"

"In my own experience, yeah, I have sometimes, but there's times in life where you just have to get on with it and do what you're told. But, that's what this is? You're sick of the job?"

"...Sort of. I think I'm just tired, I haven't slept properly in 2 days."

"You're having another episode?"

"I think so, yeah. I just… Eh."

"You what?"

"I guess I just… Still feel the effects of abdication, which is depression I'm guessing."

"But wasn't abdicating what you wanted-?"

"I don't know what I want, Joss! I have absolutely no idea what I want to do with my life! I don't wanna be here forever, cutting down trees for the rest of my life! I used to be an explorer for God's sake, and now look at me! Wasting away here in Feral Forest, smoking to absolutely no end because I'm chronically depressed and looking like I'm in my fucking 40's when I'm only 25. I don't even know if abdication was even what I wanted at this damned point and now my dad hates me because of it!" I put my head in my hands, groaning loudly, the thoughts loud and clear in my head.

Worthless, worthless, worthless

Never want to see your face again

You disgust me

I was sharply brought back to reality by Joss grabbing hold of me and shaking me hard, causing the cigarette to fall out of my hand. There goes my nicotine hit for the hour.

"Elias-! Hey, I don't think it's best if you continue with work today, you get going home, and I'll tell the boss you fell sick during the shift and had to go home, alright? Get some sleep, you clearly need it." I just gave him a nod, and he helped me back up and left me on my way as I began to make my way back to the house, defeated. At least he understood, he was one of the only people I felt I could truly speak to about how I feel, I'd never dare tell Megan about how I felt, she'd never really understand it anyways. As I stepped back inside the house, Megan looked at me with confusion.

"Eli, why are you home so early? You usually don't finish until much later."

"Joss… Sent me home..." I flopped myself down on the sofa as she walked up to me, seemingly concerned as to what was going on with me.

"My dad sent you home? Why?" I didn't want to tell her the truth that I had another outburst, and so I decided to lie, for my own sake. "Too tired to do the job properly…" I lay down fully on the couch, curling up in a ball, still in my work clothes, a wave of exhaustion suddenly coming upon me. Sleep was sounding like the best thing in the world right now.

"For goodness sake, Elias! I told you this morning this is why you should have taken your melatonin! Now you're not going to get paid for today! What are we going to do if you keep doing this?! I don't know what's going on with you as of recently, but you need to get yourself together and do your job like you said you would, and get off the couch with your work clothes on, especially your boots, you're going to dirty it up like you've done so many times before. You really never learn, do you?" I couldn't even say anything, just looking up at her before closing my eyes, wanting to go to sleep but also to stop hearing her nagging at me like she always does. I heard her sigh and just remove my boots for me, before feeling the weight of a blanket being thrown over my body as I succumbed to my tiredness after 2 days of insomnia.

In case you didn't realize already, hello. My names Elias Acorn, I'm 25, and as of right now my life is a huge fucking mess. I don't truly know who I am or what I want in my life, but all I know is that I don't want to be here for the rest of my life. I want to do something more exciting.

Hey all, hope you enjoyed the first chapter! The story will probably develop slowly since I don't have it pre-written so please bare with! I hope you all enjoy my more grunge-style take on Elias, and keep your eyes out for the 2nd chapter!