A/N
This is my VERY first time writing anything! I am in no way a writer, but have been reading Twilight Fanfics for over 15 years and I can't seem to stop! :) I very recently got the writing bug and a random idea popped into my head that I can't seem to stop thinking about. Please be kind, but honest with your thoughts. My plan is to continue writing, but to be honest, it all depends on your reviews.
Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight. I'm just here having fun with her characters. No copyright infringement intended.
— TVIMH —
Morgan POV
Have you ever just sat and thought? Looked back on your life and wished you'd done something different with it? I'm sitting in my living room, on the couch, in a house that used to have three people and a couple of pets. Now, it's just me. I'm 56 years old and reflecting back on those 56 years. Well, maybe not all of those years.
The first part of my life was good, ordinary, nothing particularly special, not really anyway. It's just the last almost 40 years that give me pause. I know there are some things I'd change, but even just one thing would change how the rest of it played out. I remember telling my son if I had gone to a different school for college he wouldn't be here, he wouldn't have been born. That one change would mean I wouldn't have married my husband or had my son. Thinking about those words, how I said them, and the context in which they were said. I remember it so clearly…
12 years ago
Driving in the car with my niece and son after we picked him up from school on a Friday. My niece was telling us about her decision to switch colleges. She was getting ready to start her sophomore year and wasn't too happy with the area and hadn't made too many friends. I briefly looked in the rearview mirror, at my then 15 year old son, and said "if I had gone to a different school for college you wouldn't be here, you wouldn't have been born". He didn't comment and the conversation continued.
It wasn't until later that night, when I was lying in bed alone; again, that I thought about that comment. I kept replaying the comment over and over, it was like a scratch on a record that continued to skip. Turning over, on my right side, I see the other side is empty. I've gone to sleep alone every night for the last five plus years. My husband Dean, who I married 18 years ago, is in the computer room. He spends every night there playing games. At least, I think he's playing games. We've been through this before, me sleeping alone and him staying up all night. The last time this happened I found out he was watching porn instead of going to sleep with me. That was years ago. I haven't had the heart to look at his computer, to see if he's doing it again. At least then he'd come to bed around two in the morning so he could get up and go to work. Now he's been unemployed for the last two and half years. He now comes to bed when I get up at five in the morning to get ready for work and take our son to school. I can't help but think he's back to watching porn again.
My life isn't all bad. Just thinking about that brings me even further back in time. A friend of the family; I called her "aunt" Mona. She once told me "if the good outweighs the bad, it's still okay". Looking at the empty side of the bed I can't help, but think, does the good outweigh the bad still?
Present Day
I get up from the couch to get a start on dinner, I find cooking soothing. I recently found joy in it again as it's something I used to do often with my ex-husband. It's not as if everything in my life is or was all bad or that I'm unfulfilled. I have my son, Levi, who I love more than anyone in my life. He's now 27 years old, a theoretical astronomer, and engaged to a wonderful woman. I used to think there wasn't a woman good enough for him, but then he met Erin, and she's the best thing to ever happen to him!
I have my job, working as an accountant, and have been working at the same place for 28 years. That was the job I took when I lost my previous job working as a graphic designer for a small bookstore. Apparently, the bookstore owner was a crook, he was stealing money from the customers. I was without a job for two months but thankfully, Dean was working at the time. Obviously I needed a job and found the accountant I currently work for was hiring. I started out at the reception desk and slowly worked my way up and am now one of their top accountants. That's definitely something I would want to go back and change. Graphic Design was my dream job and I gave it up, gave it up for us. I was having trouble finding a Graphic Design job so I took what I could find.
As I chop the vegetables, I find myself chopping a bit too roughly, and stop before I end up slicing my finger open. It's still a sore spot, even after all these years. I only have my associates degree. I never got my chance to go back to school, not like Dean did. Before he was out of work he went back to school for his bachelor's degree in Biology. Once he graduated he stayed working for his uncle and never found a job in his field of study. Then, when the company closed, he still never found work in Biology. I never got my chance to go back for my bachelor's degree in Graphic Design. Just another thing I resented in my marriage. I did eventually get my answer, the good certainly didn't outweigh the bad.
I look down at the counter and realize I never finished chopping the vegetables. Just as I'm about to continue I begin to wonder, what if I can change the past? Shaking my head at myself I continue chopping. "What am I thinking?" I say aloud. Of course, there's no reply, I'm home alone. I continue aloud, "I'm not a witch, I can't just turn back time and change the past." It's that exact moment, I feel as if I've gone crazy. It's like an epiphany, I hear this voice inside my head say, write it. "That's it, I'll write the life I wish I had! I can create it to include the love of my life, the job I wanted to go to school for, but never got the chance to. What am I talking about, I can't just write a book!" I let out a long breath to clear my mind and finish cooking.
Once I'm done, I sit down on the couch in front of the television to watch the Braves game while I eat my dinner. I briefly chuckle aloud, this is one of the things I did change after my divorce. It may seem small and trivial to other people, but I was born and raised a Braves fan. So, one of the first things I did after my divorce, was to purchase the MLB Braves T.V. package. This way I could watch as many games as I wanted. Dean never cared to watch sports so I often spent time watching baseball or other sports games on my own. Looking up from the television, I spot the picture of my father on the wall. He passed away over 20 years ago, but he's the reason I'm a baseball fan, born and raised a Braves fan I always say! I used to watch as many games with him as I could, often going to see them live in Atlanta, Georgia. I used to dream about being a "bat girl" for them. Then my dream changed to wanting to be a Graphic Designer that lives in a high rise building in Florida with no husband or kids. Neither of those came true, but I was okay with that. I finish my dinner and grab a glass of white wine. I'm not much of a drinker, but a glass or two on a Friday night is usually my go to.
As I watch the game I continue to think about what I told Levi. The school I went to was a community college in the town I grew up in. At the time I didn't feel ready to leave my hometown or family. My parents were more about supporting my decision instead of pushing me to go for something better. I ended up doing that for Levi, pushing him enough to have options, but not too hard that he'd push back. If I could change the college I went to, where would I have gone? As the game continues, I can't stop thinking, it's like a seed has been planted. I've always had a creative mind but never thought about doing something other than Graphic Design. Is it really that far fetched an idea to write my own book. Write my story, the way it should have played out. Maybe I can combine the two things I loved most growing up. A story about a woman who goes away to college, gets the job she's always wanted as a Graphic Designer, and works for the Braves. I laugh a little, maybe I could write that she meets and falls in love with one of the players. I always did have a thing for a guy in a baseball uniform! Hell, I used to make jokes that in my next life I'd be married to a professional ball player.
Looking up again at the television, I see I missed the rest of the game. Grabbing my glass of wine I go into my office, what used to be his computer room. I shake my head to clear my mind, no point going down that road again. Going to my desk, I grab my laptop and head back to the living room. I prop my feet up onto the ottoman, place my wine glass on the end table next to me and log onto my laptop. I open a blank word doc, take a deep breath, and write the title. I can't help but smile. The title is perfect. Everyone should be able to relate to it, everyone has that little voice in their head. The one that tells you not to do something or you'll get hurt, or the one that tells you to go for it, that you can do it. This is it, I'm going to do it.
The Voice Inside My Head
By Morgan Jenson
Bella POV