The world we knew won't come back
The time we've lost can't get back
The life we had won't be ours again
Chapter 1: A Return to Ruination
Tamlin Evergreen roamed the halls of Rosehall for the last time, he was utterly alone.
The manor was as pristine as possible given the circumstances. Not a single sound could be heard other than that of his steps, the only light visible was that of the moonlight through the windows, and he was dressed in his finest attire should he be found still presentable to be buried.
His room seemed like the appropriate place to carry everything out, it was the most familiar at least, the only one not tainted by the haunting memories. 'It'll be over soon.'
He reminded himself.
Tamlin only had one letter to write, for there was only one person who might care at all about his death. It took many tries to say the right words, not to mention the tears that fell on the paper, turning the ink into a stain. Once he finally wrote out his last confession, Tamlin was ready.
He put the letter in a drawer of the desk, not wanting anyone other than the intended reader to find it. He then made his way to his bed with a dagger in his hand.
"This is the ending I deserve." He whispered to himself before the red started spilling.
Soon enough the darkness he loathed so much would come for him, and he'd let it win. There was nothing left to live for.
'Why am I here?' He wondered. The question always came when he reached what was left of Rosehall.
Be it a sense of duty or utter foolishness that drove him, Lucien always found himself returning to the gates which flowers had long wilted.
What once had been a cobblestone road surrounded by a million flowers was now nothing but rubble and weed. Perhaps that's why he didn't visit often, everytime he did Lucien could feel his chest ache a little more. He was a child of Autumn but spent most of his life here before the court fell into ruin.
The decaying state of the outer gardens fueled his worry. From the state of things, he concluded that this time he came back out of fear.
Lucien had written to Tamlin often, as he always did. The High Lord of Spring often times took a few days to respond with increasingly shortened paragraphs. However, the last letter he sent had been delivered a month ago, and he hadn't received an ink droplet back. Something was wrong.
The manor was eerily quiet, not even the cold wind made a sound as it chilled him to the bone. Lucien pulled his cape closer as he walked the shadowy halls. There was no sign of Tamlin, no footsteps or breathing, nothing but dusty furniture.
'He hasn't had any outbursts in months...' He concluded as he found nothing broken. Lucien quickly made his way upstairs toward Tamlin's room.
He knocked on the door, and there was silence. "Tamlin? Tam, are you there?"
No answer. Again he knocked and heard nothing. Lucien didn't like to intrude without permission, but he could feel his pulse race as he opened the door. Tamlin's room was even colder than the rest of the mansion.
"Tamlin?"
The High Lord of Spring was on his bed. He didn't move or say a word, anyone else might've thought he was sleeping, but Lucien knew he didn't look like that in slumber. He rushed to his friend's side upon seeing blood stains on the silk sheets.
"Tamlin! Tamlin what happened?!" He began looking for wounds on the blonde man's body, only finding two horizontal deep scars across each wrist.
"No! Tamlin what did you do?!" He asked as he desperately tried to heal the scars.
Healing magic was never Lucien's forte, still, he poured his energy into healing the wounds and trying to save his old friend.
Tamlin opened his eyes softly, smiling weakly at him before trying to speak.
"I'm glad, I was able to see you one last time. I'm sorry Luce..."
Lucien felt as if his heart had stopped when he saw those beautiful emerald eyes close again. This time he couldn't feel a pulse on the closed scars, or the rising and falling of Tamlin's broad chest.
A green light illuminated the room, it came from Tamlin's chest and then quickly exited through the ajar window. Lucien deduced that might've been his High Lord powers.
It was all the confirmation he needed, his beloved friend was now truly gone.
"No! NO!"
He had to think of something, anything to bring him back. Lucien knew the other lords wouldn't do anything to save him as they did for Feyre and Rhysand, he could not use the cauldron, and he didn't know any other way to bring him back. Unless...he could turn myth into reality.
His mother had once told him that high fae could exchange life energy. It was apparently an ancient practice, but after corrupt high lords started forcing their subjects to give up their energies for their own needs, the practice was outlawed and eventually lost to time.
Lucien served no Lord, therefore the laws didn't apply to him anymore and even if they did, he was willing to face anything so as long as Tamlin survived.
He placed a hand above Tamlin's heart and the other at the back of his head. With one last look at his dear friend, he began reciting the spell, praying he remembered correctly
"By earth and air, by fire and water...
Mother shall you hear my desperate call!
Powers of birth and rebirth, I give life from Autumn to Spring bring him back in silence and peace!"
It seemed as if the spell was working, a glowing thread of gold connected him and Tamlin by the wrists. All that was left was to seal the exchange.
Had this happened years ago he might've prepared for the event a little more, perhaps even been bashful or nervous. But not now, not today, this was strictly a matter of keeping Tamlin alive.
Lucien pressed his lips against Tamlin's, pouring all of his energy into that kiss until he couldn't stay conscious anymore.
'Please, please let it be enough...I can't lose you.'
Lucien awoke abruptly, several hours seemed to have passed, as it was pitch black outside and rain softly tapped on the window.
"Finally woke up, Luce?"
He heard Tamlin speak, the blonde fae sat beside him, alive and smiling sadly at him.
Lucien didn't say anything as he tackled him into a tight hug.
"Oh thank the mother it worked! You're alive! You're alive!"
"Heh, seems so. No need for tears, little fox. I'm here."
He still cried as he held on to Tamlin, only letting go when he was certain this was reality. Then he pulled Tamlin by the tip of his ear.
"You nearly gave me a heart attack! What the hell was that?! What were you thinking?!"
"Ouch! I'm sorry I...I just thought it would be for the best."
Lucien let go, cupping Tamlin's face with his hands and wiping away the tears. "Tam, a world without you in it would be an absolute tragedy. Don't ever think you'd be doing anyone a favor by leaving."
Tamlin's eyes were downcast, even if he smiled. "You're probably the only person who still thinks like that...Thank you."
They hugged again. Not letting until they both heard a loud knock on the main entrance. Lucien remembered the door was unlocked and began to panic.
"Don't. If anyone wanted to come in and do harm, they would've done so by now." Tamlin got up from the bed. The chandeliers went bright with a snap of his fingers. Lucien saw it in his eyes, the dull acceptance of their new reality.
'Tamlin is no longer the High Lord of Spring...'
They walked downstairs in silence, lighting every desolate room with magic, and ready to face whoever came to see them.
Tamlin's steps were slow, his eyes felt heavy and while he had been healed his arms still hurt. Deep down he could feel the absence of the High Lord's magic that had once been his, and while he didn't want it nor deserve it, a part of him missed it.
He could still shift and likely recite spells, but his power had diminished considerably. 'It's all for the best.' He thought as they passed by what had once been Feyre's paint studio. The memories of destroying that place flashed in his mind for a moment and he stopped walking.
"Tam?" Lucien stopped, placing a hand on his shoulder.
Tamlin couldn't even look him in the face. Feyre hadn't been the only one hurt by his actions, and while he missed his former fiance deeply for a time, the loss that broke him was that of the man who once had promised to be by his side forever. 'Even you had to leave me in the end.'
"It's nothing. Let's just greet our guests. No one should stay out in the rain for so long."
Lucien looked as if he wanted to pry further but dropped the matter. He knew that whenever Tamlin buried his emotions it was impossible to get him to open up.
They quickly arrived at the gate. Tamlin took a breath before pulling the door open. Two hooded figures stood in front of him, one woman and one man. Both of them shared his emerald eyes and tanned skin, the male could've passed for his twin if not for his long brown hair and a scar across his face.
"You're alive!" The male exclaimed as he tacked Tamlin into a tight hug. Both he and Lucien were utterly baffled while the female just sighed in defeat.
"Brother dearest, please don't crush Lord Tamlin beneath you."
"Oh, sorry sir! I was just worried. Well, we...I..."
"My brother here felt the change in power. He's now the High Lord."
The male stood and helped him up, then shook his hand. "Tamarand Ambrose, at your service!"
The female curtsied and also introduced herself "Azalea Ambrose. My lord sorry to have met you personally in such circumstances but it was our duty to come here and inform you of this.
The three of us, are half-siblings."
Lucky for them the kitchen and dining room were still usable. Lucien quickly brewed some warm jasmine tea for the guests.
He noticed that once the hoods were off, Tamarand had wolf ears at the top of his head, likely caused by transformation magic.
Lucien set the tea and other ingredients down, everyone thanked him as they took a cup and explanations began.
"You've told me your mother was a lady in waiting here in Rosehall years ago, why was she left unmentioned? For that matter, why was I never told I had half-siblings?"
"No one knew, sire. Our existence was kept secret by our mother to protect us.
Our mother is of the higher hierarchy of lesser fae and was allowed to work here for the former Lady of the Spring Court. After she was...assaulted by the High Lord and realized this resulted in a pregnancy she left and didn't dare set foot here again.
She feared that if your father or brothers knew about us we would be put to death. The fewer contenders for the throne the better, especially if they're bastards." Azalea explained as she put cream and sugar on her tea.
"Our other mother and I both suggested relaying this information to you when you were made High Lord but back then Amarantha still posed a threat so the secret was kept.
Then when the curse was broken and you were to be married we figured there was no need to intrude on your life like that, as your children would be the ones to inherit the magic and titles of the court."
Tamlin held back the urge to scoff. He knew Tamarand's comment wasn't done in bad faith, but the mere reminder that just three years ago he was on the verge of getting married and starting a family only for everything to come crumbling down... He didn't want to think about it much less tonight.
"I see. Your mother sounds like a wise lady. You should bring both your mothers here tomorrow, given that you'll be staying for the time being. I'd be happy to meet them."
"I'm confident they'll be as honored as us sire, but there is a matter we've yet to discuss. What are we to do regarding the court?
We all know of the shift that has occurred but the few people left here do not, nor do the other courts. I'd be willing to keep the secret should you wish to, but it's likely suspicions will arise in time."
Tamlin gripped the armrest of the chair. "You're the High Lord of Spring now, Tamarand. I apologize for putting such pressure on you, one that you didn't want nor expect, but hiding the truth would do us no favors.
I'm not fit to rule this court, I never was and never will be. You seem like a kind soul and very clearly care for the court. While my guidance may not be as good as what you could receive from other High Lords I'd be happy to assist you until you're ready to rule on your own."
The silence was unnerving, Lucien could tell the others sensed it too, that deep tone of finality and hopelessness in Tamlin's voice was enough to unsettle them all.
His mind was made up, he would chase death again, refraining from it only to help his sibling become a good ruler. Tamlin was confident he could last at least that long. 'Until he's ready. Then I'll go."
They finished their tea in silence, soon after, Lucien guided the Ambrose siblings to their rooms and joined Tamlin in his.
"Save it. I'm not leaving you alone after what happened."
Tamlin rolled his eyes and chuckled. "You were always the clingy one out of us both."
Lucien remembered he would often share the bed with Tamlin since they were children.
It was a night just like this one, rain tapped on the windows and they were both together in Tamlin's room. He was terrified of going back to Autumn when Eris and his mother weren't there.
Lucky for him Tamlin had been left at Rosehall while his father and brothers went on a hunting trip. "You can stay with me. There's room for both of us here!" Tamlin smiled as he settled down on the bed and tapped the empty space on his side.
He didn't think twice about staying, curling up at the side of his best friend. He was warm and gentle against him, Lucien could feel himself growing sleepy by the rain sounds and good company.
"I wish I could stay forever with you," Lucien muttered.
"Do it. Stay with me forever. I hate to see you go..."
The memory had once brought him joy, but now all he could feel was guilt. Despite that, he still joined Tamlin on his side of the bed, but this time he was the one to pull the former High Lord closer.
Tamlin had once been far more muscular than him, but now he was much thinner than back when they were teens.
"I'm sorry. You said you hated it when I left and still I did."
"Don't apologize. I was the one who forced you to make such a decision. You're not at fault for leaving, Cauldron knows what would've happened if you stayed." Tamlin shivered, remembering just how awful he'd been to Lucien back then.
The redhead intertwined their fingers. "All the same, I should've come back to you when the war ended. You needed me."
"I'm never not going to need you. But you have others who need you as well, and I'd much rather choose death than keep you from them."
"Don't say that! Tamlin, please don't ever say that again! Losing you would be the greatest pain I could ever feel!"
Tamlin wanted to believe in those words. He always believed Lucien, but not with this. There was no shortage of people whose loss would hurt more than that of a man who betrayed his trust so easily and forced him to go. 'You'd be so much better off without me.'
"Promise me you'll stay. That you'll try to, regardless of what happens with Tamarand and the court. Please Tamlin, just promise me you'll live."
He placed his hand upon Lucien's cheek. "I've learned to not make promises I can't keep, old friend."
With that, he fell into a deep slumber. Lucien could only lay there and look at his sleeping face.
Not even sleep seemed to give him peace, Tamlin had marks under his eyes and worry on his features despite his slumber.
'Just how much of you has been lost without anyone noticing?' He wondered.
This wasn't the smiling child he befriended, nor the jovial lord he had served. Lucien wasn't sure if he could bring either of those back but he at least had to try.
"Good night Tam." He whispered before nuzzling close and letting sleep claim him too.
Tamlin had hoped this would all be a dying nightmare and he'd wake up on the other side. Maybe Andreas or his mother would greet him.
'No, Andreas would be ashamed of having served a man who let his sacrifice go to waste. And mother...'
He dreaded to think what Rosabella would think of him if she saw what her sweet baby boy became.
Knowing that he could no longer avoid reality by laying in his bed all day, Tamlin headed for the bathroom and took a bath. He had already prepared some decent clothes for meeting with the remaining members of the Ambrose family.
Before he could get fully changed he felt Lucien's gaze on him. The redhead looked disappointed and downcast. "I thought you only lose weight, seems like there was more to it."
In the haste, he'd forgotten to cover up the scars across his back and arms. It was too late to deny or hide anything much less to Lucien who'd been the one to find him.
"How long?"
"I don't keep count...Perhaps a month. Don't worry about it."
"Tamlin-"
"It's fine. I don't get anything from it anymore, so there's no point."
He put on a shirt and walked out of the room, giving Lucien time and space to prepare. Tamlin hated stepping out into the halls during the day. At night he could let the dark disguise the place, he could pretend this was the Rosehall he knew and loved. But during the day the sun bathed the rooms through the windows and he could clearly see the deserted crumbling manor that was now his tomb.
There wasn't a trace of the old Rosehall anymore, he knew such a place would never be recovered. After slowly pacing toward the garden, he saw both Azalea and Tamarand were already there, waiting.
"Tamlim! Over here!" Tamarand waved.
He smiled, his sibling was so overly enthusiastic that he didn't know whether to find it endearing or envious. Regardless, his kind nature would do the court some good. Maybe he could leave sooner than expected if all went well.
"Good morning. I hope you both slept well." Tamlin greeted them.
"I did. The room you provided was lovely, thank you." Azalea said.
"I didn't sleep much, but that's just the nerves. I'm so excited! This place is so beautiful, I can't wait to start working and cleaning! We're going to do so great!"
Tamlin smiled again. His brother's ears twitched and he noticed he also had a tail that was now wagging uncontrollably.
"By the gods, you just woke up and you're raring to go! I'll tell Mother not to give you any coffee."
"But Lea, coffee is my favorite!"
"Hush, they're here!"
Tamlin saw two women walking down the road towards them. One was chubby, with a long beautiful brown braid, and wore a pretty green dress.
The other was taller, she had no hair, was dark-skinned, and wore a white dress. From her looks and way of walking, he could tell this one was not of Spring but likely of the Night Court.
Both ladies approached them slowly, but the plump one drooped the elegance as soon as she was close enough to hug all three of them. "Oh thank the cauldron you're all okay! That note had me so worried I couldn't even have breakfast!"
'So this is where Tamarand gets it from.' Tamlin theorized.
"Ophelia, please let go of the kids. You'll squish them." The taller one told her wife.
After they'd been safely placed back on the ground both women curtsied.
"Asteria Ambrose, at your service Lord Tamlin." The taller one told him in a soft voice that reminded him of Rosabella.
"Opehlia Ambrose it's nice to finally meet you."
"A pleasure to meet you both as well. I'm guessing your son brought you both up to speed."
"Yes, we're aware of what took place. I'm happy to see you're alive and well!" Ophelia beamed. "Rest assured that we'll help rebuild this court to the best of our abilities, and should you wish so, we'll be your family as well!"
That earnest proposal of familial love might've made him cry years ago. Now all he felt was as if his presence would bring this family worst luck than he did his own.
"I appreciate that. You're very kind." That was all he could say.
They all went inside to begin planning for the change of lordship. Lucien was in the kitchen preparing breakfast, and Ophelia soon joined him.
"Mama, did you bring Daphne along?" Tamarand asked.
"Of course, I wasn't going to leave her behind even for a day." Asteria retrieved a silver-sealed box from her bag. He instantly knew what those were used for.
"We didn't tell you this yesterday, but we weren't just twins, we were triplets. Our youngest sister Daphne didn't survive the war...We were hoping you'd allow us to bring her here."
Tamlin was surprised to see Azalea quickly go from collected to tearful, but he understood that ache all too well.
"Of course. If you're all in agreement there's even a place of honor where you may bury her ashes if so desired."
"Thank you."
The melancholic atmosphere soon faded when Lucien and Ophelia returned with breakfast.
"Oatmeal, fruits, and tea. Dig in everyone, we have work to do!"
While he wouldn't tell that to a soul, Tamlin had stopped eating regularly for a while now. He was sure Lucien noticed still he didn't intend to consume too much of the meal, that is until he tried it.
The oatmeal was sweet with a touch of cinnamon and honey, the fruits were all cut into small bite-sized pieces to mix with the oatmeal if desired and the tea was so savory he took three cups. Maybe it had been too long since he ate something made with love.
He subtly glanced at Ophelia who was talking a mile a minute with Tamarand. No doubt they were making plans for later. Azalea was discussing something with Lucien while Asteria nodded at them both.
'I forgot how nice it was to eat in a lively dining room.' He thought.
Lucien caught him staring and smirked at him. That usual cheeky smile he gave Tamlin when he managed to solve a diplomatic problem. Tamlin missed that smile more than anything else.
They were all present in what was left of the meeting room. Azalea recited a spell and very quickly a small scale map of the court appeared. It was like a mini wooden replica but made out of a green glow instead.
Tamlin fought to keep his composure, as what had once been open land and fields of flowers were nothing but weeds and overgrown grass.
"I have a plan to restore the court. It follows four steps, and with everyone here cooperating I believe we can pull it off." Azalea announced.
She ran her hand over the replica, making the weeds and broken-down buildings disappear, replacing them with fields of flowers, produce, and a rebuilt court.
"Step one, breathing new life into the court. Repairs came to a halt after Hybern's invasion, however, the skeleton of these buildings remains, so it would be easy to fix them all.
The flora of the court and by extension, the fauna are tied to the state of mind of the High Lord. Just today I examined the grass and it seems far less withered than it did last night. If Tamlin can teach Tamarand how to conduct his new magic I project we can fix this in a week at the most."
That could work, he was certain that Tamarand could properly conduct his magic as long as his emotional and physical state were optimal. Tamlin looked at the new High Lord, he seemed nervous yet determined. His brother gazed at him and raised his hand in a thumbs-up gesture.
"We can do that! I'll work hard to fix the court!" Tamarand promised.
"You may count on me as well." He said.
"Excellent! After that is done we can move on to step two, which would be repopulation.
Our court's remaining members number in the hundreds. That is not enough to work a fully rebuilt court, once everything is in order again, we need to bring back those who left or repopulate with refugees from other courts."
She changed the map again, now it was full of tiny people walking around and going about their daily lives, turning the once empty court into a buzzing community.
"You can leave that up to us. I've remained in contact with many former members of the court. I'm certain that if we can make Spring bloom again, they'll be happy to come back." Ophelia offered.
"Whatever numbers we've lost in the war can be made up of Night Court refugees. My mother in Dawn tells me they're running out of room for the escapees that they receive from Hewn City and Illirya."
Asteria's statement surprised him. Weren't Rhysand and Feyre always talking about their plans for the Night Court? Why would refugees be fleeing to other courts?
"Perfect! Upon repopulating the court we should be ready for step three, building alliances.
Prythian is now at peace but said peace is fragile. It would be ideal for us to have allies that can contribute to our new court be it with trade or resources.
Lucien, do you think Lord Beron would cooperate? Are there any other lords who might help us as well?"
Lucien sighed. "I highly doubt my father would help us, but I haven't set foot in Autumn for almost two centuries. It's worth a shot as long as you appeal to his ego. Truth be told Eris would likely ally with us in a heartbeat but he's yet to take the throne.
My mother speaks very highly of the Day Court, perhaps we could try negotiating with Lord Helion. Dawn too is well-regarded and very open to alliances. Aside from Autumn, we should try speaking with Lord Tarquin. Though he's wary of alliances after the Night Court stole from him."
"Thanks, Lucien! I shall prepare everything for when we need to set out.
Our final step is simple. We need to establish a safety net for the new court. The Spring Court's economy had been very solid even after the war we've made due, but we mustn't rely on that alone. If all goes well a universal basic income may be established and we can ensure the safety of our subjects."
"Your plan sounds great, but it is very ambitious. Do you really think it can be achieved?" Tamlin hesitated to ask, he didn't wish to discredit his sister but the horrid state of the court might make such a plan impossible to pull off.
Azalea smiled at him. "Don't worry, Tamlin. I'm certain the Spring Court will bloom again, and it'll be thanks to us all."
They had lunch after the meeting. Lucien took note of Tamlin's eating habits. He was still shocked by the state of his friend this morning. Thankfully he seemed to be eating a lot now.
Opehlia's food certainly helped, the lady had a way of making a masterpiece with very little. As she'd managed to make an entire wok of spicy chicken rice for lunch that tasted better than the gourmet food of other courts.
Lucien had two plates, resting a little before excusing himself to go to the observation tower and look out the court.
He had hope in Azalea's plans but still, his mind needed to be put at ease. Long ago he'd come here for a breather whenever things got too rough, even if the view had changed he missed this little sanctuary.
It wasn't much, just a little space with a bench and some flower shrubs which were now on the verge of wilting.
"Ah, there you are child. I was looking for you."
Asteria came to join him, Lucien made space on the bench for her to sit. "Is there anything I might help you with, Mrs. Ambrose?"
"No sweetie. I'm just here to talk. I noticed you're a little anxious and thought you might need someone to lend an ear."
He was losing his ability to hide his emotions. It's not like he'd had needed it in the human lands.
Lucien told her, he was certain that Asteria would keep this between them should he ask.
"I'm sure you're aware, of why your son suddenly inherited the magic."
"Yes. For a moment at least, Lord Tamlin died." Asteria answered, distressed by that possibility.
"I was the one who found him. I brought him back from the brink and would never regret doing so but...It seems as if my dearest friend's been dead for quite a while now, and I did not know it.
The guilt is consuming me, Asteria. How could I have spent all my time in the human lands and the Night Court when my best friend was wasting away to nothing before me?!"
Asteria gently placed her hand upon his back, soothing him.
"Long ago before any of you were born, I was growing up in Illirya. My mother hailed from Hewn City, and she along with her sisters was sold off to Illiryan merchants, as their female population was decreasing. She tried her best to protect me and my sister but we were all soon aware of what awaited us upon reaching adulthood.
My mother wouldn't allow it. She made a plan for all the women in the camps to board the boats by the docks and flee to Day. A few male members of the family were trusted with this secret and chose to join us, but our uncle betrayed us and the escape went from tranquil to bloody in a matter of minutes.
We were all running away in terror, desperate to catch a boat. The rain made it worse, as some women tripped in the mud and were unable to get back up.
My mother and I managed to get into a boat with my cousin, he made an effort to defend us until we could drift away to sea. My sister didn't board the boat but hung onto a rope and drifted away with the small fleet. Despite his efforts, my cousin was unable to protect us for long and perished in battle before we reached Day Court waters. My sister was growing tired and try as I might I couldn't lift her up to board the boat. Not even the other ladies that sailed with us were able to do anything, to make matters worse the Illiryan boats were catching up. I was given a choice to either let my sister feebly hold on or cut her rope in hopes that our boat would sail away faster.
I chose to cut her rope, and even to this day, I feel guilty. Whenever I close my eyes I see her pleading ones as I cut her only lifeline. Was she captured again? Did she drown at sea? I do not know...All I know is that cutting the rope allowed us to escape, even if the enemy attacks did take a toll."
Asteria revealed one beautiful gigantic raven wing, from her back. Just one, however, since it was clear from a faint scar that the other had been lost in the escape.
"We got to Day waters, it wasn't far enough for us. My mother married a nobleman from Day, still, we moved to Dawn soon after, where she met her other husband. All three of my parents seemed content with this arrangement but I needed to be as far away from Night as possible, so I settled here in Spring and haven't set foot in Illyria since then."
The one-winged fae took a breath before resuming, Lucien noticed she gazing northward towards the Night Court.
"I won't tell you not to feel guilty, as it's something I've also carried for almost 700 years now, but you must remember that there's a reason behind your actions.
Had I not cut the rope when I did, we would've all been captured and dragged back to Illirya, I would've never had the family and life I have now. Had you not left Spring perhaps Tamlin might've not been as merciful as he is today."
Lucien shuddered. Even at his worst, there were lines Tamlin would never dare cross. Still, he couldn't remain in Spring when Ianthe's sights were set on him, and everything else crumbled around them as Tamlin's rage and magic spiraled out of control.
"I-I just wish I'd done more. Maybe if I tried harder, or if I convinced him to not trust Ianthe or Feyre...If I had fought against him, perhaps I could've saved us all so much pain!"
"Perhaps, but what is done is done, child. There's no use pondering the hypotheticals when nothing can be done to rewrite the past. You had to think of your safety first. No one will fault you for that.
You're here now, and that is all that matters. Tamlin finally sees things with clarity, and from what I've seen he holds you no ill will. We're all going to need your expertise and skills to rebuild the court and to care for our former lord.
Once that is done we can consider it your atonement."
Asteria stood and prepared to leave. Lucien decided he would remain here a while longer though he stopped to gaze at her before she left.
"Asteria, about your sister...I don't think she holds this against you. In your situation, she might've done the same."
Asteria smiled at him. "Of that, I have no doubts, child. Still, I intended to apologize properly when I meet her again."
In the three years that had passed since the war, Tamlin had forgotten how tiresome it was to deal with High Lord duties.
He spent his day with Azalea looking over all the etiquette books and plans he'd read upon being crowned. Thankfully, the library was intact save for a layer of dust, which Azalea vanished in seconds.
Now that everything was in order he could begin training Tamarand tomorrow. The new High Lord had spent his day helping Ophelia move their few possessions from the village to their new home here in Rosehall. 'At least I'll leave them a good home. They'll care for the manor better than I ever did.'
Tamlin was surprised when he reached his room. Lucien was there, he'd prepared everything for them to sleep and already wore his nightclothes.
"The ladies of the court were less persistent in sharing my bed." Tamlin joked.
He got a feather pillow thrown in his face for that. "You and I both know that when it comes to seduction you're impossibly oblivious! Besides I hardly have to get permission to sleep beside you."
His heartbeat raced for a moment. The teasing and jokes were one of the many things he had missed and thought he would never get back. But here he was, joking around and ready to sleep by Lucien's side.
"You don't have to do this, your room was the only place I kept tidy and ready, you may sleep there comfortably should you wish it."
Lucien was surprised by that information, yet he stayed. "I really appreciate it, but there's no way I am leaving you alone at night. Now try not to elbow me in the ribs again! Good night Tam."
Tamlin smiled. "Goodnight Luce."
Again, he felt safe in his dear friend's presence. Unlike those countless nights before, Tamlin fell asleep immediately.
Last night had been a peaceful dreamless sleep but to his dismay, the nightmares came back tonight in full force.
They always started with red. The red of Amarantha's scarlet locks and long nails, which she was now using to tear out Lucien's eye.
"Stop! Let go of him!" He screamed as he ran towards Lucien. Gold chains made that impossible as they began burning and clinging tightly to his skin.
"Oh Tamlin, I wish I could let him go but I can't. You see, he's someone you love, and if I don't quickly destroy him now, then you'll break him apart over time."
"Liar! I wouldn't dare do that!"
"Really? Because you broke me."
Feyre's venom-laced voice caused him to spit out blood. He would rather get tortured again than ever hear such a raging voice from a woman he once loved.
Nevertheless, he tried to face her. She was standing behind Amarantha on a wooden platform dressed in the puffy wedding dress she wore when they were almost wed.
"You put me through hell! I gave up my life, my family, my humanity for you, and you locked me up! Your worst enemy had to be the one to free me! You're a monster!"
"I'm sorry! I didn't mean to hurt you! I loved you! I was just trying to keep you safe! You died in front of me I couldn't bear the thought of anyone or anything else taking you away from me! I'm so sorry, Feyre!"
"Sorry isn't enough! Your excuses aren't enough! That's why I had to make you suffer! That's why I ruined your court! I didn't need to do much, you were already a sorry excuse for a High Lord!"
She wasn't wearing the wedding gown anymore, but rather the wolf skin of Andras, and a night crown of black. "You deserve this! For me! For Rhysand! For your family!"
The burning chains began to dig into his skin, drawing blood and breaking bones just like his father once had. Tamlin gritted his teeth as he stared at Feyre, behind here there were hanging corpses. Upon closer inspection, he realized those were the bodies of his family. He cared not for his father and brothers but had to stifle a scream when he saw his mother.
Lady Rosabella looked just as she did on the night of her death. Tamlin had found her cold bloodied body with lifeless open eyes and an expression of pure agony. It was clear to him that this tragedy had been his fault. Had he not caved then maybe the night wouldn't have come for his family, for his dear mother...
He struggled to escape as he screamed and wept, but the chains were digging deeper into him. The area around him also changed and he was now surrounded by the lifeless husks of the Spring Court people he had failed. Perhaps Daphne Ambrose was among them, as the sister he failed to meet and failed to save.
"Pathetic. I didn't have to ruin your life! You fucked it up all on your own! I should free your poor emissary of the burden of dealing with you now. Yes, that'd be good. Wouldn't you say so, Lucien? Don't you want to leave him too? He's going to hurt you, you know.
He hurts everyone, the good for nothing tool can't help it. It's in his nature, in his blood, like it or not he's his father's son." Amarantha said before laughing at him in her characteristic devious tone.
Tamlin lounged at her again, but the result was the same. His body ached even more than it did under the mountain as he witnessed Amarantha gripping Lucien's neck.
His friend bled and bled from his eye socket, still, he looked at Tamlin. He expected so many insults, so many harsh words, and demands that Tamlin had no defenses for. He would've taken all of that in stride, it would've hurt less than hearing the words that soon left Lucien's lips.
"I love you." He confessed with a sad smile. "No matter what, I'll always love you."
"No. No! Amarantha, kill me! Destroy me! Use me! Just don't hurt him! Please! Anyone but him! Let him be happy...Just let him be!"
Lucien, sweet Lucien who he met by chance and befriend immediately, who grew up by his side as they shared their tastes, dreams, and sometimes even their sleeping space. Lucien who cried tears of blood upon losing the love of his life, who lost his eye and didn't care so as long as he could remain by his side, who comforted him as they both saw Andras leave the court to his doom for their salvation, who tried so hard to keep him from destroying himself, and even after failing he was the only one left as his side, the only one who cared if his life was extinguished.
And Tamlin was letting him destroy himself for his sake yet again.
"No! Luce!"
He woke up screaming and gasping for air. The dark room turned bright in a second and Lucien's beautiful voice tried to soothe him as he hugged him.
"It's okay. I'm here. It's okay. It was a nightmare."
Tamlin could do nothing but hold onto Lucien as he wept uncontrollably. The redhead held him protectively, fearing this might cause yesterday's scene to repeat itself.
"I'm sorry for everything. I nearly ruined you."
"You could never do that. You love me too much."
He said so in a joking manner but to Tamlin, there was truth in those words. Out of all the losses, Lucien's was the one that hurt the most.
"Two unstable families, the loss of your beloved, mutilation, a curse, the trials of the mountain, a predatory priestess, and even war didn't make you leave, but my blasted temper did!
I am the common factor in the lives of those I love, and it is thanks to me that they've met bitter ends or deep sorrows. Who's to say staying by my side now won't cause further pain for you?!
It's precisely because I do love you that I need you to be safe. Go back home, Luce. Don't wait until I hurt you again."
Lucien placed his hands upon his face wiping away tears. "I already told you that losing you would be my greatest pain.
Having left you without a proper explanation or closure I still regard it as my biggest mistake. Because for all you might believe Tamlin, you never hurt me.
What happened during the war wasn't something you did knowingly. Your magic was unstable due to your emotional state, and your mind had been shattered by Amarantha months prior. I know everything you did was a result of trauma. That is why I don't blame you for it.
Because I more than anyone can assess that if you'd been sane and healthy none of it would've happened."
Tamlin closed his eyes. "You think too highly of me. Even when sane, I was a disgrace."
"No Tamlin, you weren't. That's what your mind keeps telling you, but you're mistaken. I shall prove it to you. Your new family shall prove it to you. Just let us help, grant us time.
Listen, I too carry a great deal of regret about how everything went down between us. So, from now on everything is forgiven.
The things we did, what we said, what we believed during the war, let's cast it aside. None of it matters anymore.
From now on, we're just Tamlin Evergreen and Lucien Vanserra, two best friends who love each other more than anything and shall make the Spring Court bloom again."
That offer was as if he was being offered heaven. Due to his state, all Tamlin could do was nod. He knew things would never be the same again, but maybe it wasn't too late to fix things with his favorite person.
"Be it as adults or children you've always been so quick to fix me. I'll properly treasure that this time around." He whispered as he let his head fall back down on the pillows. "I'm so lucky to have you. To still count on you. I don't deserve you, Luce. You're like a divine being."
Lucien's face turned redder than his hair. Tamlin was always amused when he managed to make him blush. "Stop it already you clever wolf! You need to rest, save the praises for tomorrow."
"Nah I'll keep going."
And he did, listing every flattering attribute of Lucien's until sleep claimed him. The last one however was only spoken mentally.
'Had it not been for the curse, I would've married you instead.'
Lucien waited until Tamlin was fully asleep to leave the bed. He settled in the desk at the corner of the room, now that he had tidied everything up, it was as if nothing had changed before the downfall of the court.
He wrote down a symbol and placed his hand against it. Vassa was awake at these hours she would surely answer him. Her face appeared before him in the glow of the spell, she was smiling.
"Hi bedhead, you look positively messed up tonight."
Vassa looked as regal as she always did, her short red hair was messy, and instead of jewels and silks, she wore hunting gear.
"Hello Vassa, I take it to you two just returned from hunting?" He asked.
"You guessed correctly. General sourface is actually a good hunting teacher. I caught a few rabbits with no effort."
"I don't care if you caught them, you're not going to cook them in bird form!"
Lucien chuckled when he heard Jurian's voice. The ex-general was likely nearby, listening again as he always did. 'Sneaky gossip'
"I thought you'd be back by now. Did something happen in Spring?" Vassa asked nervously.
"Unfortunately yes. Tamlin...he's not in a good mental or physical state. I'm going to stay here until he improves if you're both okay with that."
"Of course, take all the time you need. Just let us know when you're coming back. Take good care of Tamlin, if things are dire enough for you to stay then he must be really sick. Don't let him get worse."
"Believe me, I won't." He promised, glancing at Tamlin's sleeping form.
"You should bring him over for a visit when he's better. We need to meet your future husband!" Jurian shouted.
Vassa merely took off a boot and threw it in his direction, apparently the hit did not land. "Ignore him, all the hunting and mead have him hyper. I'll go deal.
Good Night Lucien. Take care and write often!"
"I shall. Good night to you two."
His friends' image and voice disappeared leaving the room silent and dim once again.
For a moment he considered contacting Elain as well, only to immediately discard the idea.
"What for? It's not like she'll answer.'
Lucien was aware that his mate wasn't happy about their bond. Elain had been forcefully turned fae and torn away from the man she loved, obviously, she would need time to adjust and even more time to warm up to him.
Still, he felt no effort on her part. Lucien had tried to befriend her, offer support, companionship even gifts if that would've helped but none of that was ever appreciated. He wrote to her often and very rarely got an answer. It had probably been two years since he last saw her personally during the solstice celebrations.
He was done chasing her. If she wanted to see him, speak with him, or just know of him, she could write or she could visit. After three years of initiating everything he was done. There were more pressing matters at hand than procuring someone who barely tolerated him.
With that settled he headed back to bed. He glanced at Tamlin one more time as he lay in beside him. The blonde's expression didn't change, yet the moment his presence was noticeable Tamlin cuddled him.
'Heh, you never change, silly wolf.' Lucien held him close as well, running his fingers through Tamlin's golden hair. It felt thinner than it had a year before.
His guilt threatened to resurface but he let it fizzle away. Asteria was right, feeling guilty for what had happened didn't help anyone. It wasn't too late to fix things, that was all that mattered.
As he let sleep claim him, Lucien stared at Tamlin. Looking at him provided the answer to the question he always had upon returning to Spring.
It wasn't loyalty, foolishness, or fear that beckoned him to return, but rather love.