Chapter 5. Going Steady

While writing this chapter I listened to Benny Goodman songs on Amazon Music. What fun it was to imagine a young Bucky Barnes jitterbugging to the music, especially the song Sing, Sing, Sing. From what I read and could find while searching for images the dancing at Benny Goodman concerts was as frenetic as that at modern concerts. He did appear at Prospect Park as evidenced by one of the pictures in the display above. Goodman and his orchestra were the first jazz artists to play in Carnegie Hall. The concert was sold out with a top ticket price of $2.75 (equivalent to $53 in today's currency). It was recorded but not released as a record until 1950, and is still considered one of the best live recordings of a jazz big band orchestra.

—

Bucky stayed the night with Ariel, curled together in her bed. In the morning, when the sun rose he awakened first and watched her sleep, then gently kissed and woke her so that she could get up for work at the library. While she watched from the bed he got up, got dressed and kissed her goodbye before climbing out the window, looking back at her from the windowsill.

"I'll walk you home from the Library," he promised before he left.

After he was gone she put her robe on and took clean underwear with her to the bathroom which she changed into after her shower. Merton was up and looked appraisingly at her as she came out from her morning ablutions.

"Well?" he asked.

"It was good," she said. "He's a giving man and he made me feel like I was the centre of his universe. When he asked if we could skip the movie and go watch the ocean I knew we would end up together. He didn't want our first time to be in the back seat of the car so that's when we came here."

"How about the rest?"

"He's a gentleman," she stated. "It was probably one of the best dates I've ever been on. He didn't leave until after the sun rose and he woke me up first. He's meeting me to walk me home from the library."

"Did you learn anything?" was Merton's final question.

"He's afraid," she said, in a quiet voice. "For all of his bravado I think he's fearful of ending up alone and unloved. It made him vulnerable. Considering all of his sexual experience I don't think he's ever been emotionally intimate with a woman, until last night. I'm going to write it down in the diary before I go to work."

While she dressed he made them both breakfast, oatmeal with brown sugar and fruit. As she ate Ariel wrote in the diary. Some researchers would physically record sexual acts as they happened but Ariel always thought that was not respecting the intimacy of the moment with the partner. Merton watched her as she wrote, trying not to read her writing. He could hear them from his room while they made love and while he appreciated they tried to keep it quiet he felt at some point, he as "uncle" would have to discover them in the act and then behave accordingly after. He decided to bring it up.

"May I ask you a question?" he asked and Ariel stopped writing. "At some moment I am going to have to catch you two in your bed. It's been my experience, from when I've heard of acquaintances discovering their daughter or niece in a similar situation that a proposal is needed to make the act acceptable. Have you anticipated that?"

"Yes and no," she said. "I don't think I can accept a proposal for marriage as that would be dishonest of me, since I know of his fate. I don't know if I can adequately pretend that we have a future together. I could consent to a formal declaration of a relationship. In fact, we had a moment where he asked if he was now my beau and I said yes. Would that be sufficient to a "father figure" of this time to justify the physical relationship?"

"To an enlightened one, perhaps," replied Merton. "To a traditional one, no. Not under any circumstances. Considering they have already determined that I am gay there is good reason for him to perceive that I am more likely to be more enlightened. I could perhaps justify giving you the privacy of your bedroom for your encounters by being sympathetic to you exploring your physical relationship. Will Bucky believe and accept that?"

"I think he would," answered Ariel. "I can leave the time of your discovery of us together to you. It would certainly add to the authenticity of my reaction. It may also provide an opportunity to determine how deep Bucky's feelings for me go."

Having prepared for the eventual scenario Ariel returned to her writing and finished the entry before leaving for the library. Being Saturday it was very busy and she found herself on the circulation desk for most of the day. One of the highlights of her day occurred twenty minutes before closing when Bucky came inside to borrow some books, taking out a couple of C.S. Lewis books and the Raymond Chandler book that Mrs. Houseman put on hold for him on Saturday morning as she was in charge. They both noticed Bucky in line with the other patrons and smiled at him when he presented his card and the two Lewis books. Mrs. Houseman brought the Chandler book over to Ariel. When the return date was stamped on the Return by slip fastened above the book pocket he leaned closer to Ariel.

"I'll wait outside for you," he said loud enough for Alma and Irina to hear from their stations. "We can go walking again, can't we?"

Ariel nodded and his smile lit up the Library. He sauntered out as she helped the next patron. While she didn't look at the other two women Mrs. Houseman leaned close so that Ariel could see her smile. She, at least, was happy for the young librarian. With a couple of minutes before closing time they helped all the patrons and as the door was locked the women went through the library, pushing chairs in, picking up books left on the tables and placing them on the carts for re-shelving Monday as the Library was closed on Sundays.

Ariel went to the staff room to pick up her purse and coat. She could hear Alma and Irina whispering inside, with her name mentioned. Before she entered to give them a piece of her mind she heard Mrs. Houseman's voice tell them to stop being gossips.

"You know a petition is being circulated asking for Sunday hours," she said out loud. "It would mean more work for those of you who are unmarried but don't think for a moment that I will assign you those hours if you treat Miss Black with anything but respect."

"We tried to warn her off of Barnes," said Alma's voice. "He'll ruin her reputation."

"Or she'll improve his," stated Mrs. Houseman. "You only have yourselves to blame for giving in so quickly to him. Look, girls, he's an attractive man with a healthy interest in the opposite sex. If he prefers Miss Black to you then accept it. I personally think he has good intentions for her and I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. I don't want to hear you making insinuations about Miss Black's reputation. If I hear anything here I will know it came from you."

Quickly, Ariel stepped into the ladies room to wash her hands. Mrs. Houseman came in and looked at her, grasping the situation quickly.

"You heard," she stated. "They're jealous of you. Both of them fell prey to his charms on the first date but were disappointed when he didn't call either of them for a second. He is a womanizer but he's not a gossip, never once have I heard of him bragging about his exploits. The girls on the other hand ..." She sighed. "He hasn't had an easy time of it. His father was in the military then lost an eye in an accident. The only job he could get after was at the shipyard. At least he had a job but the family's prospects dropped considerably, especially during the Depression, forcing Bucky to work manual labour. Bucky is smart, whip smart, but also cursed with a handsome face, attractive body, and an easy attitude towards women. Both your uncle, Mr. Burnett, and I have encouraged him to be more well read."

"You know my uncle?" asked Ariel, not realizing they were acquainted.

"Quite well," she said, "better than you think, and I say that with the greatest delicacy." She looked at the door to make sure there were no eavesdropper's legs visible through the grate at the bottom. "If you and Bucky are an item, be discreet. Encourage him to better himself. He is a fine man but he needs to hear that to believe it. Now, I really must be going. Mr. Houseman will be wanting his dinner on the table before 7 o'clock."

She went into the stall and Ariel went into the staff room, empty now, to pick up her coat and purse. The security guard was on duty at the door and smiled at her as he unlocked it for her to leave. Bucky sat on the steps and stood up, his books in his arms, as she came out.

"I was worried when you didn't come out right away," he said. "Everything alright?"

"Just had a little chat with Mrs. Houseman," she replied, then she smiled at him as they began walking. "How was your day?"

"I did some yard work for my mother," he said. "Trimmed some plants, dug up some vegetables that were ready." He looked down for a moment. "I told them I stayed at Steve's last night. You might not believe me but I've never spent the whole night with a woman. Usually, I leave after ... you know."

"That's quite an admission to make," noted Ariel. "Why are you telling me?"

"Because I don't want there to be any secrets between us," he admitted. "I meant what I said about finding a girl to commit to. I really want it to be you."

His face was flushed and for a moment Ariel almost wanted to tell him everything but she bit her tongue and instead placed her hand in the crook of his free arm, then lightly leaned her head against his arm. Aside from the warm feeling it gave her it was definitely new information about the enigmatic man James "Bucky" Barnes, information which justified the increased familiarity of this assignment.

"So, what does Bucky Barnes do on a Saturday night and on a Sunday?" she asked breezily.

"Well, tonight I thought we could take the bus to Prospect Park," he said. "There's a free outdoor concert. Several jazz musicians are supposed to be there but it's a surprise who."

"That sounds like fun," replied Ariel. "I would love to go."

"Are you alright if Steve comes with us?" he asked, with a hopeful catch in his voice.

"Certainly, why wouldn't I be?" she retorted.

"You're the best, you know that, right?" he smiled broadly. "Do you think your uncle will lend us the van to go to the beach tomorrow? My parents go to church and need the car for that."

"You're just full of surprises," she replied. "I'll ask. What do I wear to a concert in the park?"

"Not as dressy as dinner last night," he said. "If you have a nice cotton dress and bring a sweater. Bare legs are alright. Most of the women that go don't wear stockings because of the heat and the dancing. It's perfectly respectable."

Soon they were at the antique store and waved to Merton as he helped a customer inside. Bucky pulled Ariel into the stairwell again and they stood in the heat at the bottom of the stairs. Putting his books on the bottom step Bucky put his arms around Ariel and kissed her firmly.

"I like your lips," he said when he stopped the kiss. "They're so soft. I just want to kiss them all the time."

"Thank you," she replied. "You're a good kisser. When are you staying over at Steve's again?"

He grinned then looked intently at her. "Anytime you want," he said soberly. "I liked waking up with you in my arms."

"So did I," replied Ariel, then she cupped his jaw with her hand and they kissed again, more sensuously.

"I'll be back at 7 o'clock," he said. "The concert starts at 8:15 and it will take us a while to get there."

He almost said something else but smiled and opened the stairwell door instead then stepped out onto the street. Ariel noticed he left the books on the step and called to him, handing him the three books. Taking them from her hands he walked away, looking back a couple of times. She went into the store where Merton was now alone. He was tallying up the day's sales and looked at her from his ledger.

"Plans for tonight?" he asked.

"Free concert at Prospect Park," she said. "Steve is coming with us. He told his parents he stayed over at Steve's last night. Said he never slept over with any of his dates before."

"That's new information," said Merton. "Some of those concerts are quite good. Did he say who's performing?"

"Apparently it's a surprise," she replied. "Before I forget he wanted to know if he could borrow the van tomorrow so we could go to the beach."

"I think so," said the older man. "It would be best to go early and stake out a good spot before it gets too crowded. Sounds like a fun weekend, what's left of it." He saw that Ariel seemed distracted. "Anything else?"

"Oh, the librarian Mrs. Houseman, said she knew you," she replied. "Said you and her both encouraged Bucky to improve his mind. Is she aware you're gay?"

"The short answer is yes," he said. "There was a time I was a little indiscreet and she was sympathetic to me. We have a very good and friendly acquaintance. She doesn't judge me and I don't judge her. I can't tell you any more than that without her permission."

"She's gay, isn't she?" asked Ariel, making a guess but Merton wouldn't answer so she left it alone. "Bucky is coming for me at 7 o'clock. What can I make you for dinner?"

"I assembled some vegetarian lasagne," said Merton. "Just heat the oven up to 425 and pop it in for about 30 minutes. I thought you might like a break from all the meat dishes."

"Thank you," replied Ariel. "I appreciate that. You know, I'm actually enjoying the meat. It's quite tasty."

He smiled at her and went back to his ledger. She went upstairs, turned on the oven and took the lasagne out of the icebox. Rosie rubbed around her legs and she opened a tin of tuna for the kitten, spooning it out into her dish and mashing it down a bit. While she set the table she wrote in the diary about what Bucky admitted to her. By then the oven was hot enough and she put the lasagne in, noting the time. She went to her closet to choose a dress for the concert and noticed a small box on her dresser. Opening it she smiled as it held a bracelet, gold in colour with small coloured enamel flower sections on it. She attached it to her wrist and looked at it in the mirror. She looked at the window and shook her head, thinking of him sneaking in during the day to leave her the gift. As she picked up the box a small slip of paper fell out and she opened it.

—-

A little gift for my steady girl.

B.

—-

"Oh, you are a romantic at heart, aren't you?" she said out loud.

Immediately she took the diary out and wrote about finding the box on her dresser. Knowing money was tight she expressed concern about Bucky spending money on what could be seen as frivolous gifts but she was flattered by the thought. Checking her watch she saw it was almost time to take the lasagne out and she went out to the kitchen where Merton was. He glanced at her as she came in and she held her right hand up to show him the bracelet.

"How much did you charge him?" she asked.

"I charged him exactly what he offered," he said, somewhat defiantly. "He wanted you to have something pretty from him and he liked it."

"Merton, you can't let him spend money on frivolous purchases like this," she admonished him. "Money is tight."

"I'm not going to say no to the man," he replied. "He likes you, more than likes you. At least if he comes to me I'll make sure he gets value for his money. Now be a good girl and accept the gift." He looked up at her with a horrified expression on his face. "I'm so sorry it came out like that. I've been here too long."

Ariel began to laugh. "Your face just now," she said. "It was priceless. Alright, but don't let him spend too much on me."

They sat down to their meal, talking about events of the day. When they were finished Ariel began to clean up but Merton sent her to get ready instead. By the time she was finished Bucky and Steve were there with a bouquet of flowers like he promised. She took a vase out of the cupboard and filled it with water, arranging the flowers in it. Then she thanked him for the flowers and the bracelet. He tried to say he didn't know what she was talking about but Merton shook his head.

"She figured it out pretty quickly," he said. "She's one smart cookie, Bucky. You won't get much past her. Oh, and you can borrow the van for the beach tomorrow. Just make sure to put some gas in it."

Bucky agreed and they headed down the stairs to catch the bus to Prospect Park. The closer they got the more people got on and both Steve and Bucky speculated that the rumours were true about who was performing.

"Who do you think is playing?" asked Ariel.

"Benny Goodman," said Bucky. "If so it will be a dance concert. We'll be up there all the time."

"Bucky, I told you I'm not a good dancer," said Ariel.

"Darling, I can make you look good, trust me," he said, putting his arm around her.

When she wouldn't respond he made pouty faces at her to make her laugh and she finally had to give in.

"I'm not a good dancer either," said Steve. "But I'm willing to give it a go, if you will. You'll let me dance with Ariel, won't you Buck?"

"Sure, just not the romantic ones," he said. "You'll have to find your own girl for that."

Steve turned beet red, and immediately Bucky put his hand on his friend's arm, then gave him a friendly smile, knowing he had touched a nerve. More people crowded onto the bus and both men gave up their seats for some women. Although they gave Bucky the eye he made sure they knew he was there with Ariel. Eventually they arrived at Prospect Park and it was crowded. They finally found some seats and Bucky suggested taking their jackets and sweater off to reserve their chairs. It was a very warm evening and others were doing the same so Ariel took her sweater off. As the two men speculated it was confirmed that the Benny Goodman orchestra was performing, with Helen Forrest singing. Bucky was over the moon. Fortunately for Ariel she had listened to some Benny Goodman recordings and watched some ancient film footage of the band so was somewhat familiar with the musicians in Goodman's band. For herself she was looking forward to seeing Gene Krupa play drums having seen his intense performance of Sing, Sing, Sing on footage from an appearance of the band in a film and with his own quartet on the Ed Sullivan Show sometime in the 1950s.

"Do you think they'll play Sing, Sing, Sing?" she asked. "I love that song."

"I hope so," said Bucky. "If they do it will be the last song. Darling, would you be offended if I danced with someone else for it? It's pretty energetic and I wouldn't want you to try it without some practice with me."

"You can dance with anyone, Bucky," she said. "As long as they know you're going home with me."

He kissed her enthusiastically on the cheek and by the smile on Steve's face it was the right answer. Soon, the musicians took the stage and Benny Goodman was announced. Ariel was surprised how normal he appeared considering he was one of the top jazz artists of the time. He reminded her of a mild mannered teacher. As Goodman stood in front of the crowd he commented on how many couples seemed to be there that night and to get things going the band would play Taking a Chance on Love. Immediately Bucky stood up, took Ariel's hand and proceeded to show her what a good dancer he was. When he said he could make her look good he wasn't kidding as he led her so well she thought she was in a movie musical. The next song was How Long Has This Been Going On? introduced as a new arrangement. The third straight song they danced to was The Man I Love sung by Forrest but played only by Goodman, his piano player, the drummer, and a man on the xylophone. Bucky bent his head close to Ariel's while they danced, close enough that she could feel his breath on her neck. It was very intimate and when it was over he looked intently at her. They sat for a breather and listened to some of the faster tunes. By the look on Bucky's face she could see he wanted to be out there dancing and she felt bad that her dancing wasn't up to his level. Tugging on his sleeve she raised her lips to his ear.

"I don't mind if you dance the faster ones with someone else," she said loudly. "Really. I like watching you dance. Just come back to me for the slow ones."

He looked at her and kissed her intimately on the forehead. "I love you," he said, then he got up and found a single girl who agreed to dance with him.

For a moment Ariel didn't know whether to laugh or cry but she must have had some look on her face because Steve leaned towards her and put his hand on her arm.

"Are you alright?" he asked, his face close to her ear. "Did Bucky say something bad?"

"No, he said he loved me," she admitted, and then she did cry, stunned that his words would affect her so much.

Immediately, Steve took his handkerchief out and gave it to her. He held her hand while she dabbed her tears with the handkerchief through two fast songs. When Bucky came back and saw she was crying he frowned and sat next to Ariel, then looked at Steve, his face confused.

"Are you mad at me, doll?" She shook her head no. "You told me to dance the fast ones with another girl." She nodded her head yes. "Then what's wrong?"

Ariel began crying again and Steve motioned him close. "You told her you loved her," he said loudly, in Bucky's ear.

The band was particularly loud at that moment but neither of them needed to hear as Bucky very clearly mouthed the word "shit." He took a deep breath and put his arm around Ariel, holding her close and bending his head to hers. Pressing his lips to the side of her head he ignored the band and looked intensely at the crying woman in his arms. Then he picked up her left hand and kissed it. Suddenly she got up and ran towards the back of the audience. Bucky stood up and ran after her, leaving Steve to look behind him then he faced forward and stayed where he was. This was Bucky's mess and he would have to fix it.

At the back Bucky lost sight of Ariel but an acquaintance he recognized asked if he was looking for the crying girl and pointed in the direction she went. Bucky ran in that direction and finally found her on the path surrounding the pond. She was standing looking over the water, her shoulders hunched over. He ran towards her, slowing up as he got closer. Unsure what to say he stepped in front of her and ran his hands over her upper arms. Her sobs subsided and with the sounds of the music in the background he looked at her in the darkness, lit by the rising moon.

"Has no one ever told you they loved you before?" he asked gently. She shook her head no. "So, you're not ready to hear it yet? Is that what this is about?" She nodded yes and Bucky took a deep breath, looking up at the sky. "It just slipped out but I've felt it all day, since last night. Do you like me?" She looked up at him and he could see how emotional she was so he nodded. "I'll take that as a yes. Do you think you might love me, but you're afraid to say it?" She looked away and nodded yes. "I can understand that. I didn't even realize I said it. I'm not sorry I said it, Ariel. It's true and it's frightening for me, but obviously not as frightening as it is for you. Oh Baby, come here."

He held her close in his arms and she wrapped her arms around him, feeling his heart pound through his shirt. The declaration had caught her completely by surprise and even though she knew pragmatically that it was said in a matter of fact way it hit her hard. She had never told anyone she loved them or been told that in return. Despite her active sex life in college it had never been more than casual sex, ever. Now it was, and she was torn between telling Bucky everything or continuing to pretend she was a 1940s woman. The problem was that if she told him she knew it would make him angry, if he didn't think she was crazy first. But the longer she didn't tell him the more she felt like an imposter, that she was leading him on, even though she did have feelings for him, strong, deep feelings. She took a ragged breath and buried her face in his chest, feeling safe there and he accepted it, not moving, or asking her to do anything but be there with him. After several minutes Ariel finally felt calm enough to let Bucky go and she stepped back looking at him. He bent over, placed his hand on her cheek and kissed her, then smiled, as if confirming she was better.

"Do you want to go back now?" he asked. "It is is a good concert, isn't it?"

"It's the best," she said. "I'm sorry I ruined it."

"You ruined nothing," he replied emphatically. "You're my girl and nothing you do ruins anything. Come on, it will be intermission soon and I'll get you a shaved ice."

After nodding her head, Bucky put his arm around her and led her back to their seats. Like he thought the intermission came up a couple of songs later and he went to get them some shaved ice, bringing three back. She gave Steve his handkerchief back, thanking him for it. He looked at her sympathetically but said nothing, which she appreciated. Before the second half started she told Bucky to dance and she would watch. She kissed him full on the lips in front of everyone after to make sure he knew she was okay with it.

The second half was fun as the energy level of the dancers was high, Bucky included. There were a couple of slow songs that he returned to Ariel for and even a couple that Steve danced with her but he danced the rest with assorted women including the finale, Sing, Sing, Sing, which was over 8 minutes long by Ariel's estimation. She was torn between watching Bucky dance and watching Gene Krupa pound the drums. After a standing ovation for the band with the rest of the dancers Bucky returned to Ariel's side, kissing her firmly. Then he put his arm around her shoulders and they began making their way through the crowd, before queuing for the bus. It was well after midnight when the two men stood outside the antique store with Ariel.

"I had a good time with you two," said Steve, offering Ariel his hand. "I'm glad you worked out your misunderstanding."

Ariel kissed Steve on the cheek. "Thank you for being there for me," she said. "You are a gentleman, Steve. I know there's someone for you and you will find her one day."

He blushed, noticeable even in the dark, and walked about half a block away so they could have their privacy. Bucky caressed her cheek, smiling softly at her.

"It doesn't look like I'm staying over tonight," he said quietly. "You are important to me, Ariel. What you did tonight, trusting me to dance with other women meant so much to me." He looked up at the sky and suddenly smiled, pointing upwards. "Meteor. That's supposed to be good luck, isn't it? A shooting star?"

He looked back at Ariel and gathered her in his arms, kissing her passionately. She returned his embrace just as passionately. Then she swallowed hard and pulled Bucky's head down to hers.

"I love you, too," she whispered, before she turned and opened the door, running up the stairs before he could say anything.

He stood and watched the door for several moments, debating whether he should go after her or go home. Reason won out and he began walking towards Steve, then looked back at the second floor apartment and a soft smile crossed his face. She loved him.