I walk up to the Kappa Tau house. It's the day after my appointment confirming the pregnancy and also the beginning of May now so it already feels like summer here. Some people have gone home already, or at least left campus because classes are over. In fact, probably half the student body is gone.
But one place I know will most likely still be packed is the KT house. It's Friday morning but it's no surprise that I walk up the front steps to see a guy laying across the porch, a beer can spilled on the ground beside him.
How… charming.
I mentally note that if I do decide to keep this baby it will be making limited unsupervised visits here. Or most likely none at all since Cappie probably won't even want to be in its life.
The door is already slightly ajar, so I just push it some more, cautiously, and walk in.
It's 10am but you would've thought I'd just walked in in the middle of the night.
That is until I see Rusty sitting on the couch with a bowl of cheerios next to a passed out Anthony Hopkins. I didn't know his real name.
"Rus!", I whisper shout to him while waving and he finally realizes I've walked in.
He gets up off the couch then and we move into the kitchen where there aren't any people to wake up.
"Case, what are you doing here?", He asks. "Mom and dad aren't here early, are they?"
He was referring to our parents coming into town for my graduation on Monday.
"No, no. Don't worry, that's not why I'm here. Is um… is Cappie around? And …. conscious by any chance?"
"Actually you just missed him, he said he was going to grab some stuff for tonight's party", Rusty says.
I give Rusty a look.
"You're sure he's not passed out on one of these couches? He really got up this early?", I put my hands on my hips.
"I swear. It was just me and him awake this morning. We kind of all let it slip our minds, but he's promised everyone he was gonna throw some big Cinco de Mayo party the whole day. It's supposed to be like a huge party before the school year officially ends", Rusty explains.
I sigh. I'd really wanted him to just be here, to not have to put this off any further. Plus the gnawing feeling of having to throw up was especially bad in the morning. So bad, that it was hard to barely stand and talk to Rusty in a house that smelled like stale beer… among other gross things.
"Hey you don't look so good… are you okay?", Rusty looks concerned.
"Yeah", I lie. "No, I'm fine. I just really have to talk to him about something so… I'll text him though. It's fine".
"Case… is it something I can help with?", He looks worried.
I started to walk out of the house, one hand on my stomach, one hand across my mouth.
When I get to the front porch I immediately hurl onto the grass.
"Geez, Casey are you okay?", I feel Rusty behind me, helping me up.
I wipe my mouth, the taste of vomit making me want to throw up again.
"I'm feeling just about the same way right now, if that helps", I hear a voice and me and Rusty veer around to see sleeping on porch guy, looking as woozy as me.
"Go get some water Dumptruck", Rusty instructs him and then looks back at me. "Case do you have the flu or something?"
"Um….", I wrack my brain for something to say, but all I can think about is how terrible I feel, in the hot sun, my head hurting, my throat hot from throwing up. "Yeah don't worry I think I just ate something weird".
I give my best act to Rusty because as much as I knew he'd probably have to know eventually, and I wanted more than anything to have his help right now, I kind of just wanted to tell the most important person before I told anyone else. But he was out buying party supplies.
"If Cinco De Mayo is today, why is everyone drunk this morning?", I ask, sitting down on the front steps, rubbing my aching temples.
"Well last night was the pre Cinco De Mayo party", He explains which makes me roll my eyes. "Hey you know Cappie and the rest of the guys here".
"That I do", I nod, annoyance probably shining through in my voice.
"If you want to know my opinion, last night and today are happening because of you", He says treacherously to which I scoff.
"Yeah, how do you figure?"
"Ever since you guys broke up Cappie's thrown himself into having any excuse for a party", Rusty says.
"Well… that's probably because he uses them to meet girls", I say, hoping he can't detect the sting in my voice.
"He's not even flirting with girls, trust me. It's all about the guys and KT for him right now. He's even planning next year's rush right now", Rusty laughs. "And I don't think he's ever planned anything out past more than a week in his whole life".
I laugh at that comment.
"Well… I think I'm gonna go home. It'll be one of the last times in the ZBZ house for me as a senior so… I have to soak it up", I say. "Plus I might hurl again".
He gives me a quick hug.
"Okay, feel better. And if you can, come by the party, it's going on like all afternoon and the whole night too so you could stop by anytime", He says, awkwardly pausing before saying that next part. "I know he'd like to see you".
"Oh yeah?", I scoff. "If that was true he'd probably have asked me himself".
"He's just hurting right now, anyone can see that".
"Like I'm not?", I say, hating the way tears threaten to take over my eyes.
"I know you are, I'm sorry", He shakes his head as if he's regretting bringing it up.
"It's okay, I know you're just trying to be nice. The truth is I just… want to talk to him before I leave. Because… I don't want to never see him again", I say, and there I go, a tear falling right down my cheek in front of Rusty, something I didn't really want him to see.
"I know", He touches my arm. "I know he doesn't want that either. I'll talk to him".
I nod and give him a small smile.
"You're sure you're okay?", He looks at me pitifully. "You seem… different".
"I'm not", I assume him. "Different i mean. I'm the same old me".
I force a smile to him then.
"Don't worry about me Rusty. I'll see you later".
My smile fades as soon as I turn my back to him and walk away.
"So just go to the party then!", Ashleigh says like it's obvious. "I am".
"What?", I'm surprised. "You are?"
"Yeah it's kind of all anyones talking about. There's mostly seniors left on campus anyways because we're all waiting for graduation Monday and everyone knows the kind of parties Kappa Tau throws", She says like it's obvious.
"I don't know… what would everyone think when I can't even drink anything?", I worry.
"Just say you don't feel well", Ashleigh urges. "It doesn't even matter about that Case, you're just going there to tell Cappie".
"I don't know Ash, I don't really want to tell him that I may be having his baby while he's drunk at a rager", I say deadpanned, giving her a look. "I should just wait till tomorrow".
"Casey", Ashleigh whines. "Just go there before like 10 or 11 at night right when people start to get really wasted. He'll be in the right headspace, you can go off to his room to talk".
"I don't know Ash", I say nervously.
"I don't care, you're coming with me. At least bring up with him that you have to have a serious conversation with him. If it doesn't feel right then you can do it tomorrow but you need to start dealing with this, it's already been a week since you found out", Ashleigh gives it to me straight. "Not to mention after Monday when we graduate everything is going to be different".
She sits down next to me on the bed and I lean my head on her shoulder.
"It already is", I say.
"I know", She says, softly now, nicer. "But moping around about it isn't get you any further to deciding what you want to do about the baby".
"Yeah I know", I sigh. "I just didn't want anything to change. I wanted to stay dating Cappie, I wanted to keep this dream of law school here at CRU alive, I wanted to know that my future was set, that I wasn't going to be a mom at 22. I just wish I could go back to how simple everything was just a couple months ago".
"I know. I feel scared too if that makes you feel any better. And I'm not even pregnant", We both laugh then.
"What the hell was I thinking?", I put my hands over my face.
"Dating Cappie or getting pregnant?", Ashleigh tries to clarify.
"The latter, but… I guess the first one led to the second so…."
"Well I don't think you can fault yourself for falling in love… we all do stupid things when we're in love", Ashleigh tries to make me feel better. "Which is why you're stupidly avoiding telling him now. You're still in love with him and you care what he thinks".
"Well yeah, obviously I do", I say.
"I know. But you're not going to know how he's gonna react unless you tell him".
So here I was at 7pm walking back into the KT's house for the second time today. At least Ashleigh was by my side this time. But it didn't stop my hands from shaking.
"Dammit, i would really love a drink right now to calm my nerves", I say quietly to Ash.
"I'll have one for you?", She smiles at me but I just shake my head at her.
I search around the KT's living room for any sign of him but the house is pretty much empty except for a couple stragglers. Everything is going on outside.
Me and Ashleigh stand at the door about to join the huge crowd of people on the lawn. They had food in the corner, what looked like tacos, white fairy lights set up, and loud music playing.
I suddenly feel insecure, and nervous. I have no idea what he's gonna think about me being here. I tried to look as good as I could despite feeling terrible. I'm wearing a tight black mini dress, my hair pulled back, half up, half down, black eyeliner. I really liked this dress and I remembered wearing it on Valentine's Day, one of the last times I was here in this backyard with Cappie.
I looked around again, seeing Rusty in the crowd with Dana and some of the pledges I recognized.
But there he was, of course. There was no way you could miss him. He was shirtless, wearing Mexican flag shorts and a sombrero. He was next to Beaver and some girls.
It almost annoyed me seeing him like this. Okay fine, it did flat out annoy me. Because he was here and he was happy, not a care in the world, while I had been having a breakdown all week about what the hell I was gonna do.
"Well…. there's no time like the present right?", Ashleigh interrupts my thoughts.
"I guess you're right", I take a deep breath.
"I'll come over with you", Ashleigh offers and I appreciate her more than ever right now.
We make our way through the crowd until I finally feel his eyes on me. His whole demeanour changes. It's as though I'm officer Huck walking in to stop the party, that's how quickly his high fades.
"Ashleigh, Casey", Beaver smiles at us.
"Hey Beaver", Ashleigh smiles at them awkwardly.
I can still feel his gaze on me and I don't hide the fact that I'm looking at him too. He's the only reason I'm here.
"Hi, I'm Natasha", One of the girls says, moving slightly in front of Cappie, breaking our staredown.
"Hi… Casey", I say, giving her a polite smile, not a very genuine one.
When she moves back I notice how she wraps her arms around Cappie likes he's hers. Like after 3 weeks it was just like me and him didn't even happen, like we hadn't had this epic type of love story building up all four years of college, the last few months with him being just about perfect. Like I wasn't standing here at this very moment literally growing his baby inside of me.
He can tell that I'm looking, and I know it's making him uncomfortable. Not to mention the death stare Ashleigh's giving him.
Natasha, tall and brunette and everything I wasn't, seemed utterly oblivious to the tension taking place right now.
"Case, why don't we go grab tacos?", Ashleigh links her arm into mine and pulls me away.
I look back behind me at him. He looks like he wants to speak but doesn't. His hands are on the back of his head and he looks like the winds been knocked out of him.
"Ooh hey try the chicken ones!", Beaver calls to us. I guess there was someone other than Natasha that had absolutely no idea the level of awkwardness that just took place.
"I'm sorry Case. We can just go. I didn't … I didn't think-"
"Didn't think he'd already have some new girl of the week?", I shake my head, slightly upset with Ashleigh that she dragged me here. But more upset and embarrassed of myself and what had just happened. "Because I probably could've predicted that".
"Ashleigh!", Someone called over to her from behind us, a girl who I was pretty sure was a Tri Pi.
"Go, it's okay", I assure her. "I'm just gonna wait inside, it's really hot anyway".
"Okay I'll just be like two minutes", Ashleigh says and I nod.
I walk inside now, one of the few lonely people in here, and sit on a chair in the living room.
When the couple beside me starts making out, I change locations to sit on the stairs going up to the top floor.
This was definitely a low point. I debated whether to just walk home alone. It wasn't Ashleigh's fault. I just didn't want to be here right now and I could not feel any more stupid and alone in this moment. Not to mention still nauseas. Whoever called it morning sickness was lying. It was basically all day sickness.
"Hey".
I turn quickly to see him. Of course I knew his voice by now.
"It took me forever to find you", Is all he says, his hands in his pockets. At least he'd taken of the stupid hat.
"Hmm well at least you took time with one thing", I practically sneer at him.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"It's supposed to mean that we broke up less than three weeks ago and you're just here parading around with Natasha", I say her name as though I hate her. "I suppose I'm being a bit harsh to her considering I don't even know her. But then again I'm sure you don't either. Unless we're talking other parts, and in that case you've probably seen those numerous times in numerous stupid positions".
I practically yell at him now. Not exactly proud of it, but at least we were just about alone in here.
"I promise it's not like that", He emphasizes the word promise. "Beaver just invited her and her friend here because he thought it would cheer me up to have a rebound I guess… I literally only met her today".
I can't help the slight relief I feel in my body when he says that. But I still stare blankly at him.
"Oh…", is all I can muster up.
"I didn't know you'd be here", He says softly.
"Well I shouldn't be. I stupidly let Ash talk me into it", I cross my arms.
He ignores my sassiness and continues with his blank expression which was so unCappie like that it hurt to watch.
"Rusty said you came by this morning", Is all he says.
I nod. With him standing up and me sitting down it felt like he was towering over me.
"He said you were sick. Are you okay now?", This is the first time his expression changes since I've gotten here. He finally lifts his head up, looks at me straight in the eyes and genuinely looks like he cares.
His blue eyes are soft looking into mine and it makes me feel stupid that all I want to do is beg him to take me back, beg him to never let anyone named Natasha, or anything else for that matter, put their arms around him like that.
"I'm… I'm okay. Just like a food poisoning thing", I shrug, making an excuse.
"Well, if I can offer up any advice I'd say skip the tacos. Beaver ordered them from the strip club's hot table… he doesn't know many other restaurants… or establishments for that matter, in town", He says and there it is, that small smirk, the glint in his eye. The first and only time his actual self shines through with me today.
Just a glimpse is really all I can get these days which was nothing once you've had, and loved, the real thing.
"Duly noted", I laugh and for a moment there we look at each other through the awkwardness with a different feeling other than disdain or coldness.
We stay like that for a moment and I feel like this would be the time that I'm supposed to tell him that I have to talk to him. The time to tell him I'm pregnant.
"Rusty, uh… said you wanted to talk to me?", He breaks the silence. "When you came by earlier. Everything okay?"
He almost appears as though he's anxious to hear what I'm going to say.
"Oh yeah. Well I just was wondering if you were coming to… to graduation?", I say, mentally kicking myself and calling myself a coward in my head.
"Do you… do you want me to? I didn't really know how you'd feel about that", He asks.
"Well I want you to. If you feel like it", I shrug.
God Casey! Just say something! I scold myself. Just tell him you want him there to support you. Tell him you couldn't physically stand being up there on that stage when they call your name and not see his face in the audience. Jesus, tell him you're pregnant!
"Well okay… I will then", He nods.
"Okay good", I give him a small smile.
"That's it then?", He asks, and I can't tell but I feel like he looks disappointed. Disappointed that the measly graduation topic was all that I had to bring up.
Little did he know that he definitely did not want to know the real reason I wanted to talk to him.
"Yeah… that's it", I give him a polite smile. "I'm probably just gonna walk home. If you see Ash, maybe you could just tell her".
I get up off the stairs awkwardly, pulling my purse onto my shoulder.
He looks me up and down from my toes to my eyes and I wonder if he can recognize this dress. If he still means what he said to me outside of that quickie mart while I was wearing it on Valentine's Day. I'd have to hope he does. But right now it didn't really feel like it.
"Wait... you're sure you don't want a drink first?", He asks and I can't tell if he's just being polite or if he wants me to stay here longer.
"No, I'm… I'm not drinking tonight", I wave him off.
Or possibly for the next 9 months, I think to myself.
"Okay well… if I don't get to see you much at graduation…" He trails off.
"I'll… I'll be back in September to pick some stuff up, to see some people", I shrug.
"Would you… see me?", He asks, breaking our streak of boring, meaningless phrases.
His icy blue eyes meet mine, almost like they're begging for an answer. Begging me to say I will.
"Yeah… of course. I'd want to say goodbye to you Cap", I say, my voice just about breaking.
"Goodbye yeah…", He looks down at the ground. "I guess there's a few more months to put that off though at least".
He was the king of putting stuff off.
I nod and step closer to him.
I think about hugging him, about touching his shoulder, his hand. Anything.
But I don't.
"Well… see you at graduation Cap. Enjoy all this", I give him a small smile, gesturing to outside.
He nods, giving me whatever semblance of a happy look he can muster up.