Wow, you've been really nice in the comments. Nice to read you.
I'm starting to understand a little better how to use this site, so I hope to limit errors in the future. Thank you all and happy reading!
All rights belong to Buffalo Pictures, it's just for fun to me.
CHAPTER 4
Early in the morning, after a good breakfast and packing the bag with everything they needed, Martin and Louisa headed to the beach to take advantage of the cooler hours.
Along the way she kept wondering what it would be like to see her husband in a bathing suit. Before leaving, they had gone to Truro to buy some towels and bathing suits.
Martin had chosen dark blue boxers that didn't reach mid-thigh…she knew it because she had suddenly opened the curtain while he was trying them on in the closet. He had stiffened in embarrassment, while she had feigned indifference in commenting on them.
She just wanted to make sure he chose well…she had reassured him…but she still laughed at the awkward expression he put on.
She had also tried to get him to buy slightly more comfortable clothes, but with limited success. In the end, Martin still bought a couple of suits, but in light cotton. She had managed, however, to hide a pair of white chino pants and an air force blue polo shirt for him among the clothes she chose for her… and she had done well. When she'd forced him into his shirt to come to the beach that morning, she couldn't help but notice how much he matched her eyes.
He had objected to that overly informal attire, but he had had to give in when she had suggested that he would have been ridiculous to show up on the beach in a suit and tie and that she would have refused to be close to him. Not only did that blue suit him, Louisa observed, but his long, bare arms had also turned out to be a magnet for her hands…she wanted to caress every muscle.
There were still very few people. Martin spread out the towels and Louisa placed little James on one of them with his toys. When she turned around, Martin was already undressed and surveying his surroundings. Well…she really liked how that costume fit him. Tall and straight as a captain in his vessel, he was approaching the water. His broad shoulders were slanted by the still low sun, and his long, strong legs spanned the space in a few strides. She forced her mouth to close as a pleasant warmth spread through her stomach. She put a hat on the baby's head and undressed her too, then took him in his arms and joined his father-of-child. It was Martin's turn to cast furtive glances. Louisa seemed perfectly proportioned to him and the effects of pregnancy were already gone. He would have given anything to reach over that smooth, inviting skin. He noticed that the hematomas had absorbed well and that there was almost no trace of the abrasions. Her shoulder moved easily now and she had regained a nice complexion.
She had entered the water with her feet and was lowering herself to let James' feet get wet too. The little one laughed and moved his little legs in the air happily.
The man watched the scene shyly. There was something very like a smile on his lips. He sighed… he wished he had the courage to approach and hug both of them. They had become everything to him and they didn't even know it.
«The water is very pleasant, try Martin!»
He woke up from his thoughts and followed his advice getting wet up to his waist.
"True, it's warm and clean."
Louisa smiled at him and pulled James back onto the towel to put sunscreen on his face and exposed areas. She took the opportunity to put it on too and, when Martin was there with her, she asked him to help her with her back.
At first he was embarrassed… such confidence in the midst of other people was unimaginable for him… but she insisted because she had no intention of getting burned for no reason and he lent himself willingly.
He carefully ran his large hand over her already warm skin and took the task so seriously that he didn't stop until he heard her clear her throat.
"Uhmm… you should put more here, Louisa… on your shoulder… where you had the scratch… or it might leave the mark… well… so…" he concentratedly applied a generous amount of cream to distract her.
When he was done she handed him the tube.
«It's your turn Martin, put it well everywhere...we have pale skin and we're not used to it... I wouldn't want to spend the rest of the holiday wrapping yourself up with damp towels..."
If he was going to protest, he quickly gave up and started smearing the sticky, annoying stuff all over himself.
When he was almost done, Louisa took the cream from him and applied it to his back with both hands…and while he guiltily enjoyed that massage…she enjoyed that immense and massive back, barely refraining from kissing and caressing it.
Finally they lay down mute and embarrassed on the towels, James muttering happily to each other.
They returned before lunch, to avoid the hottest hours. After lunch, Martin had put James to sleep and relaxed with the Lancet, while Louisa and her mother stayed in the kitchen to chat.
Eleanor had already noticed a certain tension between them, but she couldn't find out much more from her daughter despite pointed questions. She also understood that her Loulou had a hard time trusting her and couldn't blame her. She then set about proving to her that she was perfectly capable of taking care of her granddaughter and sent them back to the beach and then for a walk while she looked after James.
She did the same the next day, without either of them objecting in the slightest, and in the evening, while they were having dinner at Caleb's, she proposed to the couple a short trip to visit Madrid... a couple of days... just the two of them.
Martin was about to refuse, for no particular reason, when he saw that Louisa seemed to be interested in the proposal and preferred to keep silent.
«Actually…I wouldn't mind…it's a city with a lot of history and many important museums…Martin?» she looked at him hopefully.
He sighed and agreed with a nod of his head.
"Yes."
They arrived in Madrid the following evening. Eleanor had taken care of the reservations and tickets, and Caleb had driven them to the airport.
Martin's mood had deteriorated throughout the day. He said he was puzzled about leaving James with his mother-in-law… given the episode of the previous time… and considered it a nuisance to have to move again in a few days.
It was evident that he was tolerating the situation, but he couldn't wait to go home to Cornwall.
Louisa was determined to ignore his sarcastic comments and protests, hoping that a big city and museums might distract him.
Arrived at the hotel, they opted for a light dinner in the internal restaurant and, as soon as they got to their room, she went to bed annoyed.
They were staying in a good location, near the largest park in the city and the Prado, and decided to start by visiting the Plaza Major, the Royal Palace and the archaeological museum.
It was a crescendo. From breakfast on, Martin displayed his nervousness in every possible way. He proved intolerant of any passerby, bored most of the time and rude in the clubs. Exhausted from walking all day… with her husband's constant grumbling still in her ears… mortified for everyone he had unnecessarily abused… once in their room she stormed him furiously.
"Was it really necessary to pick on the waiter at dinner, Martin?"
"I didn't mind…" he retorted innocently.
«You mean that glowering at him all evening while barking orders for you is a sign of esteem?!»
"I didn't look at him that way..."
«Martin stop it, because you make me even angrier like this!»
"As well as?"
Louisa let out a small, frustrated cry as she clenched her fists.
"You were annoying all day... nothing suited you... you complained about the heat, the food, the hygiene... everything!"
«Oh come on, is it my fault that it's too hot to shoot and the hygiene of those premises was not satisfactory?» he tried to defend himself.
"Is it possible that you can never fit in?"
"I fit in a lot, actually." he pointed out with a touch of arrogance.
"What do you mean?"
"What I said."
Louisa breathed heavily and spoke softly.
"You certainly don't fit in when it comes to doing something for me. I just want to spend a pleasant holiday, visit a foreign country and get to know its culture a bit..." she stared at him furiously "And I'd like to enjoy the sun, the sea and the sunsets on the beach... Am I asking for that much, Martin?!» she now she cried she.
"You are being unfair, Louisa. I left my patients and came all the way here, to a country I don't care about, to stay with your dipsomaniac mother and suffer under the scorching sun...and just so you wouldn't do the stupid thing of leaving too early putting your life in danger!" he glared at her with a reproachful look.
"She's not a dipsomaniac!"
"Yes, she is!"
"How dare you talk about my mother like that? She offered you her house and was absolutely nice to you, despite your muteness and rudeness!" she was definitely furious at that point.
"I'm just saying how things are." he defended himself by lowering his tone.
She was silent for a moment, shaking her head, in disbelief as to why they were arguing.
"I'm tired of your attitude, Martin. I tried… I thought… I hoped… »she threw up her hands in surrender «… it's useless. I do not know what to tell you."
He looked at her sadly and swallowed. He once again he had allowed his character of his intolerance to take over, screwing everything up again, and now he didn't know how to go back.
"Louisa…"
"No, I'm going to sleep. I don't want to talk about it anymore." she concluded her and started getting ready for the night.
She was already in bed when Martin came out of the bathroom. She watched him approach and sit on the bed, then she peevishly told him of her decision.
«Tomorrow I will visit Madrid on my own, I don't want to ruin this little time in the city. You're free to do as you like here at the hotel…or go back to Villaricos…or Portwenn…it's all the same to me." she pulled the sheet under her chin and turned away.
Overcome with anger, she cursed herself for asking him to come in Spain. How could she have deluded herself that it would have been different... that he would have let himself go? She had foolishly thought that taking him to a different environment, away from obligations and from that village he hated, it would do him good.
For an instant she had dreamed that being just the two of them...away from everyone...in a quiet and enchanting place...it could have brought them closer, almost as if being so close, day and night, would allow him to begin to trust her...and open up.
Instead it had been a mistake. Now the vacation would turn into a nightmare. She had to stick with the original plan… to go on her own and have time to think about a solution. She sighed… maybe the solution didn't exist and she and Martin… as much as they were like two magnets… as much as she loved him… they were just not compatible. Tomorrow she would tell him to leave, to go home…to Portwenn…because it was vital that she had time to think calmly about them…and it was essential to have a break from…him. She continued to rock between anger and despair and she slowly fell asleep, without realizing it.
Beside her, Martin stared at the ceiling. He wondered where he had gone wrong…because surely he had done something wrong and screwed it all up again. He once again he risked losing her because of his stupidity... she basically she had only asked him to have some fun and take a break, is it possible that he wasn't capable of it?
Sure... holidays never interested him... his life had always been marked by work and study. Before…he'd never had time for silly things…or maybe he hadn't wanted to. In Portwenn he had no other thoughts all day than seeing Louisa… being with her and James… even though the noise and disorder in the house were unsettling him more than he had admitted.
Not to mention his father's death and his mother's visit…a worry that had sent him into a rage. Then the accident… the departure of his wife… her life in danger and the operation… too much…
Finally this trip that he had to accept by force, so that she wouldn't jeopardize her health…and all those days of being next to her…touching her discreetly to help her get dressed…away from her bed and the comfort of her body… taking care not to pulling the rope, so she wouldn't get angry and run away... and now this stop, with all that time available to reflect... all of this put him under pressure and let areas of himself emerge that he absolutely didn't want to face.
He listened to her breathe. She was sleeping.
"I'm sorry I'm not the man you want." he murmured.
Sleep didn't come for him and he continued to torment himself... assaulted by the same old fears.
Her eyes widened. It was dark. She remembered where she was and she turned around. The other side of the bed was empty. There was no light and no noise from the bathroom door. She sat up and, looking into the light from the window, made out his silhouette on the sofa. There was something strange though.
She tried to focus better and realized that he was sitting with his head down in his hands. She got up to get closer and take a better look.
"Martin, are you okay?"
She saw him jump…he hadn't heard her coming.
"Yes." he lifted his face in her direction "It's all right." his voice was thoughtful and gentle.
Louisa sighed and went to sit next to him. Maybe she shouldn't have… maybe it would have been more logical to go back to bed and wait for the next day… maybe… but her instinct suggested something else.
She turned on the lamp on the coffee table and saw him. His eyes were red, worried, and his features were tense. He stiffened and looked away… hands clenched into fists dutifully resting on his knees.
"Oh Martin..."
She didn't know what to tell him. She wanted to comfort him…stroke the back of his neck and hold him close, but she knew all too well it wouldn't help. That he would remain still and silent… and that she was fed up with that wall between them.
He had the same desperate and helpless expression of that damned morning when she had asked him to go away for a weekend just the three of them. He had barely managed to put three words in a row… stiff for him, he had pushed her away from him.
At that moment she had lost hope. She had concluded that it would never work out between them.
Se put a hand to her forehead and breathed deeply. Yet she loved him! She didn't understand how…but she loved him and knew he loved her.
"Martin, speak." she intimated.
He turned to look at her and closed his mouth.
"Speak! Don't you see that our marriage is at stake, hmm?"
Something in her was rebelling and she couldn't tolerate the situation anymore.
"Our family is at stake, Martin. If ever there was a time when you needed to say more than a "yes" and a "what"…well, this is it!"
She was shocked, almost screaming.
"Now is the time to speak, Martin…because if we don't find a way to communicate now…if you won't let me be your wife now…I…I think…"
Tears blurred her eyes and her strained voice trembled. She stared at him.
«…I believe that for us there will be no future.» she concluded in a breath.
It felt silence. The man's eyes were wide and terrified. His lips moved uselessly. She Louisa realized he was frantically trying to answer, but it wasn't enough for her to just try anymore.
"It's time to put all your cards on the table, Martin. What I feel for you has never been in question and won't change, however this story ends... and we have a son, who will bind us forever..." she decided to insist once again... just one more time... then she would give up permanently and she would go on.
«…but that's not enough. You go out of your way to make everyone hate you…you're grumpy, short-tempered, uncompromising…that's fine…you have a difficult character…I've always known that…I'm wrong to expect to change you…»
She continued to stare at her speechless, defeated and resigned.
«…but with me…at least with me…is it possible that you can't let yourself go just a little?» she looked at him desperately.
"This is Martin!" she yelled and he jumped.
"You continue to live as if I were just an ordinary person who happens to be in the same house as you. Decide, program and organize for everyone. You get haemophobia again and you say nothing. You don't sleep and you don't eat and you answer that everything is fine. Your father dies, your mother torments you, I try to stay near you and you close… you close… you close and keep me away!» she cried and shook her head… if only she hadn't loved him so much.
Nothing. Silence again. Then a faint sound crossed those tormented lips of his.
«I…have been used to fend for myself pretty much forever.»
Louisa slowly lifted her face.
"I'm used to doing what needs to be done and not being a nuisance." he spoke softly, as if he had to force every word out.
The woman was silent. She sensed the effort she was making.
"What's the use of poisoning you too, Louisa?"
They looked at each other. She wanted to reach out and stroke his cheek, but she forced herself to stay still. "He has to succeed, he has to unlock himself... I'll help him later, but he has to do it first..." she thought.
"I've never been married before and I don't seem to be very capable of a husband. I would like to improve…I would like to do more…but I don't know where to start.» Martin gulped.
He felt very tired.
"Yes, love, yes… go on, please…" she pleaded silently.
"I talked a little about it with Ruth the day you were due to leave…after you left. She says I don't have a medical problem, but if it's not medical I don't know how to treat it at all. She says I did it on purpose to make you run away, because I think I don't deserve you… because I can't believe how a woman like you can love a man like me… » he sighed.
"I think…You are very special, Louisa. You are cheerful and put everyone at ease. You are sensitive and generous, always ready to help anyone and stand up for what you believe in… and put up with my bad manners and my nervousness… » he looked down for a moment.
"I need your help. Teach me to be a good husband."
It was Martin who reached out and placed his hand on her cheek. "You're so beautiful, Louisa, and I need you so..."
She was crying again and he didn't know what to do, but she threw herself against his chest and it was natural to put his arms around her and hold her tightly.
"I love you, Louisa." he placed her lips on her head.
"I wish I could make you happy, Martin." she sighed.
«I believe that happiness is the consequence of a difficult moment… it is not a permanent condition.»
He felt her hands slip around him. He really needed this…to have her with him and that she wasn't angry. If he had her, he could take it all.
«Ahmm…Louisa, I'm fine with you and James…I mean…if you're not around, there's order and there's silence…but I don't miss them when you're around.» he swallowed awkwardly.
"I don't miss anything from my life before. Of course I'm slow to adjust to new situations, but... I'm working on it."
She raised her face.
That slight smile gave him hope. He brushed aside a strand and kissed her on her forehead.
"Why shouldn't you deserve me, Martin? You are a brave, reliable and very intelligent man… why do you think you are not enough for me?»
He snorted and twisted his mouth.
«You know… I'm… I don't get along very well with people and… I'm not great at relationships in general… I don't have a brilliant conversation and… I'm not even a surgeon anymore…" he looked away disconsolately.
Louisa reached out her hand and turned his face back to hers.
"Do you think being a famous surgeon makes you a better man?"
He hesitated for a second with his mouth open.
"You make me a better man." he then said softly in one breath.
«You don't know how much I'd like to believe that I have some positive effect on you…» she murmured disconsolately.
"But you have it!" he cut her off emphatically.
She smiled at him and rested her head on his chest.
"I love you too, Martin. We just have to find a way…"
They stayed like this, close and embracing... neither of them seemed to want to go back to bed. Then, when he noticed that her wife's breathing had become more regular, he lay down on her sofa, holding her close to him, until he fell asleep too.