*Sorry its been a minute! My kids started school this week which means my life is absolute madness!**
She watched from the door as Noah pulled out a button up shirt that he only used for their once a year trip to church on Christmas Eve. She hoped it still fit. She felt guilty for not picking up something new, but she hadn't found a second to breathe since the terrifying phone call not even a week prior.
Noah must have felt her presence because his eyes lifted to her, "I know my pants still fit, but I think the arms might be too short now." He pulled the shirt off the hanger and laid it out on his bed.
Olivia stepped into the room to inspect the shirt. "We could probably roll the sleeves." She glanced over to his open closet. He had plenty of nice button up shirts, but all felt a little too bright or causal for a more somber event.
"Okay." He began digging through his drawers for an undershirt, and they both turned when they heard Elliot step into the room.
He stood barefoot, and his shirt was only about half buttoned. He must have hurried over when he overheard their conversation. She glanced down to his hands and noticed he held a package of some sort. He held it out for her, and she took it from his hands. She wanted to cry. In her hands was a brand new white button up shirt and black tie with a simple black embossed pattern. In Noah's size.
She wasn't sure when he found time to shop for her son, but she was grateful he did.
"I wasn't sure you had anything that would work for day so I grabbed that for you," his eyes glanced towards the package in Olivia's hands."
"Cool," Noah said while stepping towards his mother. He took the items from her to inspect them. "I like the tie, it's nice. Thanks Elliot." Noah gave him a small smile. It was the only smile she'd seen on her son's face all day.
Elliot pat Noah's shoulder and stepped towards the hallway. "No problem. I'll leave you to it. I need to track down my tie." As he exited, Olivia heard him talking to himself, "Shit. I hope I grabbed that."
She turned her attention back on Noah. "Did you find your black socks?"
"Yeah, I got 'em," he held them up for her to see.
"Alright. I'm going to finish getting ready, Kay?" She watched him carefully lay out his clothes.
"Yeah. I'm gonna eat a snack before I put my nice clothes on." He started for the door and she followed him out. She snuck into her room while he continued on towards the kitchen.
She shut the door and scanned her room until she found Elliot sitting on her bed, putting his socks on.
She wandered over and sat beside him. "When did you find time to pick those up?" She asked, referring to the clothes he picked up for Noah.
"Yesterday." He shrugged. "I wasn't sure what he had in his closet for…you know, something like this. I know you guys don't really do the church thing, and I wanted him to be comfortable." He sighed and pulled on his second sock. "I mean this will be hell no matter what he wears, but I thought" she cut him off with a kiss.
"Thank you," she whispered.
He looked confused. "For what? It's just a shirt."
She dropped another soft kiss on his lips,"It's more than that and you know it." She sighed and leaned her head in his shoulder. "I've wanted to be here…more than anything, and I can't be." She lifted her head again, "But you," she felt tears gathering. Why the hell was she getting emotional?!
"I'm just doing what I can," he said seriously. Then he added a teasing smirk, "you, more than anyone knows I'm not a saint."
She almost laughed. "Oh god I know that." She shrugged. "But I'm not either."
He slipped an arm around her and pulled her against him playfully, "See…I'm not sure that's true," he teased.
She rolled her eyes, "Shut up," she tried to hide her smile.
He continued anyway. "Saint Olivia Patron saint of…" he grinned. "I don't know," what do you want to be the patron saint of?" He asked the question so seriously it was absurd.
She hit his shoulder and rolled her eyes. She would dignify the question with an answer.
He leaned in and dropped a kiss at the base of her neck, "I love you," he breathed. His warm breath grazed her skin, but It was the undeniable devotion in his voice that sent a flood of shivers through her body.
She pulled back, cupping his face in her hands. Her brown eyes held his with equal intensity. "I love you too."
-000-
Elliot couldn't count the number of funerals hee attended over the course of his life. The job, and the military had a habit of stealing away lives too soon. And SVU? God, he attended far too many funerals while working SVU cases.
He wanted this to be the same. He wanted to approach the event with the same detached professional attitude he'd cultivated over years of practice. As much as he wanted it to be the same it wasn't. This wasn't even close to the same.
It was too close. Too raw. Too painful. It came with the added layer of the tragic loss of a child, and the trauma her closest friends now tried to cope with. It hurt. He wanted it to be business as usual, but it wasn't, and he wasn't sure it ever would be.
They passed through the viewing line silently. It was a morbid practice really, but he understood the need for closure. Still, he had seen enough dead bodies in his lifetime. He didn't want to think about how many were children.
Olivia went through the line first with Noah sandwiched between them. Noah moved silently, but Elliot didn't expect anything different. The last time Noah saw Clem she was vibrant and alive, and viewing her now slapped them with the dark reality of what had happened.
He kept his eyes on Noah, using him as a distraction from the guilt he felt over the deceased child laying in front of him.
Olivia focused her attention on Clem's mother, allowing her a tear filled hug. Noah stood silently over the casket and Elliot placed a gentle supportive hand on his shoulder. There weren't words for a situation like this. Nothing he said could change what happened, and there was no need to inquire about feelings. All that could be done was to extend an offer of support as the raging grief ran its course.
Noah stayed silent as they moved out of the viewing line. Olivia kept a hand on her son's upper arm, seeming unwilling to let him wander out of her reach. Elliot remained close. For a moment he felt a little out of place next to the tiny family Olivia had created for herself. Without him. Maybe it was the grief of the situation, but watching the two of them together triggered that decade of guilt that liked to bite him in the ass at the most inopportune times.
Ever perceptive, and always in tune to his emotional climate, Olivia's delicate hand reached for his. He met those perfect warm brown eyes, and he wondered how someone could know him so thoroughly. He felt constantly in awe of her unfailing ability to see right into his soul. She was an indelible part of him, and he prayed to God she always would be.
-000-
He was spiraling. She could feel it, and honestly, she had been waiting for it. He'd held them all together over the past week, and it looked like it was her turn.
He kept his eyes forward during the service, and she felt a little guilty at how often she snuck peeks at her son and the man on the other side of him. She couldn't help but keep tabs on them and how they were handling it all. And it didn't help that her damn phone kept buzzing. McGrath was riding her ass over a new high profile case, and Jane from the DA office kept wanting to go over protocol for juvenile cases.
She wanted to turn off her phone, but even the thought sent her down a spiral of anxiety because she was fairly certain the world would fall apart if checked out for even an hour. So she discreetly checked her messages, only responding to the most dire, and kept an eye on the men in her life.
The service was beautiful, at least what she was able to listen to. Upon its conclusion Noah immediately asked if he could say hi to Jace and Colton who sat a few rows ahead of them. She agreed, and watched him hurry to catch them before they left. She slid closer to Elliot, and he dropped an arm around her shoulders, but he still felt far away. She worried. She knew much of his silence was due to their current surroundings, but she felt like it was more than just that.
She leaned into his shoulder a bit. "What do you need?" She asked softly.
She felt his hesitation. "Nothing really. I think all of this is just going to take some time."
It was a vague response, but one she couldn't really push into. Maybe now wasn't the time anyway. Maybe later. Maybe when they were home.
-000-
Olivia didn't ask questions when Elliot skipped the graveside service. Clem's mother invited them, and she left it up to Noah. He was pretty undecided until the last minute, but ultimately he decided to go. The twins would be there too, and she suspected that had something to do with it. She was intensely proud of her son for trying to support his friends while still addressing his own grief. His resilience never ceased to amaze her.
She wasn't entirely sure where Elliot took off to after the original services. She didn't ask. She figured if he needed a little space she'd give it to him. He more than deserved it. He'd given so much of himself over the past week, and she hoped a little time could help him recharge…but she also worried it might do the opposite.
To her relief she immediately noticed Elliot's tie hanging on one of the kitchen barstools. The apartment was silent and she wasn't sure he was even there.
"Why don't you change, baby." She suggested as wandered towards her room.
"Okay," Noah said, and a moment later she heard him rummaging through his dresser drawers.
She pushed open her bedroom door, and was a little disappointed when she didn't find Elliot there. She scanned the room and noticed most of his things still littered about in the places they had been that morning. His running shoes still sat haphazardly tossed near his nightstand, and his bag was still left unzipped in her closet. She felt a little disconcerted by his absence, particularly since he seemed to have just disappeared. It didn't exactly bring up good memories for her.
She struggled with the zipper on the back of her dress, and tried to keep her anxiety from running amok. He'd be back. He didn't have to inform her of his every movement. He'd basically been Noah's babysitter for a week, and he probably had his own life things to attend to. He had his kids and his mother to care for, and his life couldn't and shouldn't revolve around her and Noah. Still, that fear of abandonment crept in.
She typed out a text.
Hey, where did you run off to?
She erased the message. She wasn't going to be that clingy person who needed constant reassurance to feel secure.
She pulled in a comfortable pair of leggings and plain colored v-neck and tried to ignore her phone. He'd be back. He probably didn't call because he wasn't sure when they would be done with the graveside service and he wouldn't want to interrupt.
She picked her phone up off her dresser and stared at it again. Texting him once wouldn't be clingy. She was fairly certain she was overthinking everything.
Hey, coming over tonight?
She sent the message before she could second guess herself. It wasn't a crazy text, just a question about scheduling her life.
She drummed her fingers against the top of her dresser while she stared at her message impatiently, but nothing filled her text window. No dots. Not messages. Just silence. She tried not to let the silence kill her.