37. NO WORDS
Sirius felt the exhaustion so deep in his bones that all his limbs felt weighed down with lead and even breathing seemed like a chore. Holly had been in the infirmary for over a week – stable, as all the healers had hastened to assure him whenever he had bothered them with his questions, healing, recovering. But far from fine.
Her magic was responding to their treatments, but her magic levels were still dangerously low, working overtime to repair all the damage. They had to monitor her breathing, her heart rate, the Dark magic toxicity in her blood and a million other things all to keep her from getting worse again.
Sirius had been with her as often as he was allowed, gently holding her hand when she was asleep and talking softly to her the few times she had been awake. Holly hadn't really responded and she had flinched so violently the one time he had reached out to her while she was awake that he had refrained from any physical contact since then.
Holly wasn't fine. But she was getting better and that was what was important. She had finally been released from the infirmary the day before, still under strict orders to rest, take it easy and follow the medication plan the healers had worked out for her, but no longer bed-bound or in need of constant monitoring.
After a bit of to and fro they had decided to take her to the Lestranges family estate in the Normandy for her convalescence. Sirius would have liked it better if they could have taken her home, to Remus' and his house, since he knew that Holly loved it there and would already be familiar with her surroundings. But Dumbledore had helped them ward the place so Riddle had vehemently opposed the idea, citing security concerns which had not been easy to dismiss. Likewise, Slytherin Castle had also not been an option because Riddle admitted that while safe and familiar it might also remind Holly of the Chamber of Secrets, something which they evidently wanted to avoid at all costs. Instead, the Lestranges had offered their family home as a suitable alternative, spacious enough to house all of them and private enough that Holly could recover without having to worry about being hounded by any of the two dozen so-called reporters who were salivating for some snippet of news about the hurt Girl-Who-Lived.
Dumbledore was still in custody, which probably said more about his involvement and culpability in the matter than should ever have been implied. Kingsley had recused himself from the case due to his connection to the Order of the Phoenix and Robards, as far as Sirius could tell, was conducting a very thorough investigation. So far, he had not uncovered any evidence that would exonerate the headmaster or support his accusations against Riddle.
Sirius still struggled to wrap his head around everything, the betrayal, the cold calculation, the lack of even a smidgen of human decency, but the bitter taste of it was still familiar – an echo, a new variation of Wormtail's betrayal all those years ago. And for what? For power, prestige or simply out of pettiness?
Remus – after he had managed to calm his wolf – had admonished both of them that they shouldn't be too hasty to condemn Dumbledore, that it was innocent until proven guilty and that they still didn't have all the facts. Sirius was pretty sure that he didn't believe that himself, or at least that his wolf didn't. They were both canines, after all – loyal to a fault and protective of their pack. It was just unfortunate for Dumbledore that their loyalty didn't belong to him anymore and that their pup had been hurt.
And Riddle… Sirius still had some mountain-sized reservations, but even he was hard-pressed to find fault with him. Riddle had been sitting with Holly almost as often as Sirius, ceding his spot at her bedside only when the healers sent him out or when it was someone else's turn. And then he mostly waited right outside the doors, pacing nervously or sitting in brooding silence in the armchair he had conjured up for himself. The only times he had interrupted his vigil was when he was giving orders to his Death Eaters or receiving updates from them, from Brutus Nott or Lucius Malfoy about what was going on at the Ministry, with the investigation, with the fragile armistice they had renegotiated with Fudge to uphold the status quo until Holly was feeling better, from Snape about the potions he was brewing or developing for Holly, from the Lestranges about how the preparations on their home were coming along. His focus, though, had always, always remained on Holly and what he could do to help her, protect her, make her feel better.
They had told her together, as gently as possible, and Sirius hadn't needed to be an empath to see how absolutely devastated Riddle had been about the loss of their child, how desperately he had wanted to spare her this pain and be able to fix this somehow.
And Holly's reaction had just been horrible. Sirius had been prepared for tears and he could have dealt with anger, but instead she had shut down, shut them out, tugging her hand weakly out of Riddle's light hold and curling up with her back towards them. She hadn't said another word that day and barely spoken since. She had withdrawn into herself, a broken shell of a broken young woman, only reacting in monosyllables or to flinch away when someone startled her. It was heart-breaking and while Holly's body was slowly healing, Sirius feared that her mind, her heart, her soul were sinking further and further into an abyss.
He had hoped that a change of scenery would help, that being here, in the perfectly picturesque and light-flooded family home of the Lestranges, would make her feel safe enough to open up to them again, but if anything she was only withdrawing further. Case in point.
"Holly isn't in her room," Rabastan called, hastening into the dining hall where they had congregated in the dim hope that Holly might join them.
Riddle jumped to his feet immediately, swishing his wand in a complicated arc. "She hasn't crossed the wards," he declared a moment later before furrowing his brow in thought as his wand jerked in the direction Rabastan had just come from. "And she should be in her room."
They all hastened down the short corridor to the corner room that had been turned into Holly's hospital room and sanctuary.
"Maybe not all of us at once," Remus cautioned when they reached the ajar door and the Lestrange brothers obediently dropped back a few steps, allowing Riddle to push the door further open and slowly step over the threshold.
At first glance, the room appeared empty. The bedding on the queen-sized canopy bed was rumpled and the curtains were drawn tight in front of the large bay windows to leave the room in dim twilight, muting the rosy tones of pinks and creams to different shades of grey.
"Under the bed," Remus murmured a moment before Sirius heard it too, the soft, belligerent growl of a scared leopard cub.
He sighed. "Can you lift up the bed?" he asked, not waiting for a response before slipping on the thick, fluffy pelt of his Animagus form and dropping to his belly to poke his head under the bed. There was another low growl and a set of wide green-yellow eyes glowed at him from the darkest corner of that enclosed space.
He made a soft, reassuring rumble, slowly belly-crawling forwards as the bed gently levitated upwards and then stabilised in mid-air, just high enough for him to fit under it. Holly hissed angrily, pressing even further back and showing her impressive teeth in a soundless snarl. Sirius offered her a soothing little yip, closing the distance between them inch by inch, until her panicked breaths fanned against his snout. He yipped again, moving just his head, and very delicately licked over her cheek, wishing he had arms to put around her when he could feel her trembles.
Instead he made do with crawling completely under the bed, wedging himself in next to and around her and allowing her to bury against his side as he snuffled her gently. He could hear Remus and Riddle converse quietly before they left a few minutes later, leaving him alone with his shaking goddaughter.
§*§*§*§*§
Holly settled down eventually, her breathing evening out and her suppressed whimpers fading away, but she made no move to turn back into her human form and simply curled up tighter whenever Sirius tried to nudge or cajole her out into the open. So he desisted in trying, sometimes attempting to engage her with questioning yips or gentle tugs on her ear, but mostly just hoping that she drew some small comfort from his presence and that she was finally getting some rest, free of the nightmares that haunted her sleep, dozing next to him.
"Padfoot?" It was Remus' voice, some time later, that stirred him from his own doze, Holly jerking awake at the same time.
He barked a soft answer even as Holly growled an unhappy warning, her ears flat against her head.
"I'm sorry, Holly, I didn't mean to startle you. But Severus brought over some potions for you and he says you should really be in human form to take them. Do you think you could change back for a bit?" Remus asked in a soothing whisper and from the direction of his voice Sirius guessed that he had crouched down to be on their level.
Holly hissed testily, fearfully, jerking when Sirius gently swiped his tongue over her cheek to try and reassure her. But Remus made no move to come further into the room and he didn't say anything else, allowing Holly to realise that he posed no threat. Finally, she gave a series of small, unhappy meows, her tail swishing in agitation over the wooden floor and her luminescent eyes staring up at him pleadingly. Sirius grumbled soothingly and replied with his own series of barks and yips to convince her that she was safe and that taking her potions was important.
Finally, Holly gave him a shaky nod, followed by another small meow. Sirius huffed out a sigh, not overly happy with her request, but glad that she had made it at all. He delivered a quick, reassuring lick over her ears and then crawled out from under the bed, greeting Remus with a friendly tail-wagging. He was a bit surprised to find Riddle standing on the threshold, silent and watchful, and with well-worn worry lines on his brow, but he probably should have guessed.
He trotted over to Remus, allowing the werewolf to catch his head between gentle hands before he relayed Holly's message.
"Holly would like Severus to bring her her potions?" Remus asked in summary and Sirius nodded, adding another little snarl for emphasis. "All right."
He lightly scratched Sirius behind his ears before getting to his feet and turning to Riddle, who was looking at him in question. "I don't speak 'Dog', if that's what you're thinking. But I've known Sirius in his Animagus form since we were fifteen and he made that same snarl whenever he was thinking of Severus."
Sirius huffed, whacking his tail deliberately against Remus' leg to show how very unamused he was by his amusement, but then turned around once more, giving Remus a loud bark and his best puppy dog eyes.
"And this means?" Riddle asked, his voice pitched to softness.
"Food," Remus replied with a fleeting grin. "I think they would like to have dinner as well."
"Well, I'm sure we can arrange that. I'll tell Severus and Dobby," Riddle declared, throwing one last, lingering look towards Holly's hiding place before turning on his heel.
Snape announced himself half an hour later with a cursory knock when Sirius had just coaxed Holly, still in her panther form, out from under the bed and instead onto the bed and under the covers. Sirius growled at him, out of principle, but then focused all his attention back on Holly again who was trembling and shaking and issuing small, involuntary noises of distress.
"I'm just going to be over here, Holly," Snape informed her, directing his steps towards the reading chair on the other side of the room. "You can call me over whenever you're ready. There's no rush. I brought homework to grade."
Holly didn't stop trembling, but her growl sounded almost grateful, and after a few more minutes and encouraging nudges from Sirius she finally changed back into her human form, immediately burying her shaking hands in Sirius' black fur to keep him anchored to her side.
"Professor?" she whispered, tensing when the Potions Master slowly rose to his feet and approached them. "I'm sorry…"
"I'll have none of that, Holly," Snape gave back, pulling up a chair next to the bed and sinking down before meticulously unpacking a number of different sized potion vials from his potions bag. "Now, most of these should be well familiar to you, but I've taken the liberty of arranging them in order of taste today."
"Order of taste?" Holly echoed incredulously.
"Yes, inspired by your various expressions of distaste," Snape explained with an almost friendly sneer. "You have the choice between starting with the most palatable option – a Hydrating Solution - or grabbing the Erumpent by the horn and taking the Bone-Bracing Brew first."
"Bone-Bracing Brew," Holly decided after only a short hesitation and Snape nodded approvingly.
"Good decision. But these should be taken on a full stomach so I want you to have some dinner first – and that is non-negotiable," Snape replied, pre-empting her protest and handing over a plate of finger sandwiches that had popped up on the bedside table. "You can share them with your mutt – 'share' being the operative word."
Holly puffed out an exhausted sigh, but offered one of the sandwiches to Sirius, who immediately scoffed it down before nudging Holly's arm with a whine. Holly sighed again, but then picked up another sandwich for herself and started to nibble on it.
They both watched her closely, Sirius trying to encourage her with gentle nudges and pleading whines and Snape distracting her with a lecture about each specific potion he had brewed for her, its properties and effects, the brewing process and ingredients and whether or not they were part of the Hogwarts curriculum. It was dreadfully boring, in Sirius' opinion, but Holly didn't seem to mind, actually starting to relax as Snape droned on.
And when it was time to take her potions, she didn't protest, downing them one by one and only grimacing a little at the first few.
"Professor?" she asked softly after she had drunk down the last one.
Snape hummed to show that he was listening, looking up from stowing away the empty potion vials in his bag to give her his full attention.
"Can I ask you to… Will you please tell Tom to get some sleep?" Holly whispered.
"I doubt the Dark Lord would be very receptive to that proposal, Holly. He wishes to be nearby in case you need him," Snape explained gently. "He wants to take care of you."
"I know. I know that, but… He's not taking care of himself," Holly said in a small, small voice. "And there's no-one watching out for him. He needs rest, too."
Snape sighed heavily. "I'll pass on your concerns. But in return I want you to get some sleep now and promise to remain in your human form for at least the next hour. And do you know why, Holly?"
"Because I just took several potions to help my body heal and they won't be effective if I'm not in my body," Holly murmured, slipping a little further under the covers.
"Just so." Snape nodded approvingly, fussily smoothing out a wrinkle in the covers. "Would you like anyone to sit with you?"
Holly shook her head. "Thanks, Professor."
Snape waved her gratitude away with a touch of his usual impatience before getting up. "You can thank me by following my instructions and not wasting my potions, Holly. Now sleep. We're just a call a way if you need anything."
Holly gave him a slight nod and the Potions Master turned to the door, not closing it fully after he had left the room. Sirius yawned, stretching a little and trying to decide on the most comfortable spot for himself when Holly shot up again, wide-eyed and panicked.
"Stay!" her voice somersaulted, her chest heaving with frantic breaths and her hands shaking violently as she clutched to him.
Sirius whuffed an apology, wagging his tail and bathing the side of her face with broad swipes of his tongue, delicately tugging on the short tufts of her hair until her clenched fingers released him so that he could lay right back down in his previous spot.
"Sorry," Holly whispered shakily. "Sorry. But please stay, just until I've fallen asleep?"
Sirius snuffled even closer, licked over her fingers again and then rested his head on her stomach, in the perfect position for Holly to scratch him between the ears. He rumbled approvingly when she did just that.
"Thank you," she whispered, tightening her arms weakly around him. "I know I've been pushing everyone away, but I really don't want to be alone. It's just… everyone else… it's too much. And I can't… it hurts, Siri, and I don't know how it's ever going to get better."
Sirius whined again, pressing his cold nose against her tear-stained cheek, wishing there was anything he could say to make her feel better. But even if he had been in human form, he wouldn't have had the words.