Anyone else still cackling over Edward and Bella's responsible sex yesterday? One of my favorites! Who doesn't love a responsible man?
Thanks to you all for reading and Pamela for putting up with the three of us!
-37-
Alice
July 13th, 2023
Lighthouse Cove, Maine
I never want this feeling to end.
I never want this feeling to end.
It was a thought that flashed across my mind last night with Jasper on the beach, and hasn't left my mind since. Even now, as I pick through my closet and drawers, it lingers in my head like a moth to a flame. I'm unable to stop it.
This is exactly what I wanted with Jasper. I wanted the kind of memories that would remind me to take my life back again, to remind me how good it feels to throw caution to the wind and just be.
But now that I have it, an all too real reality has suddenly made an appearance.
Shaking the thought out of my head, I reach for a hanger in my closet and then close the door behind me.
"How about this?" I ask, holding up a flowered dress in front of the mirror for Bella and I to dissect and analyze. We both have the same unimpressed look on our faces as I hold the dress up to my body, and soon enough, the dress lands in the pile of clothes next to Bella on my bed. I sigh loudly, "Okay, moving on. Ugh, do you know how long it has been since I've been on a date?"
"You got this," Bella reminds me, pointing at me with a fresh stalk of celery with peanut butter spread down the middle. "What's the difference between tonight and all the other nights you've spent with Jasper?"
"Nothing," I say with a sigh. "But it feels different."
"How so?" She ponders as she licks some peanut butter off her fingers.
"It's a date," I tell her again, walking over to my drawers to look for more clothing options. "It seems very…official."
Bella shrugs, "It's only weird if you want it to be. You've met his family already, twice, and you're freaking out over a date?"
"Yeah, you're right. I just…" I trail off, flopping into a chair near the closet. I run a worried hand down my face. "I'm just feeling a lot today."
"All good things?" Bella asks, eyebrows raised in slight concern.
"Great things," I say. "But…big things?"
"We already know he has a big dick," she answers with a pretend roll of her eyes, and I laugh, not dissuading her from the truth.
"I'm serious," I say once I'm done laughing, "It hit me a little while ago when I started going through my clothes for tonight that I don't have many left to wear. Clothes. And that means we'll all be leaving in a few days."
I think back to last night with Jasper and his family on the beach and how the whole experience made me feel like the real me again. For so long I've been the doting wife, the attentive mother, the caretaker, the planner, the list goes on. Last night I was able to just be me – and the freedom I tasted last night still lingers on my tongue. I loved how I felt. I still do, and the thought of leaving didn't really hit me until now when I was picking through my clothes.
"I'm not ready for this conversation," Bella says with a shake of her head. I'm used to her avoidance, but she says it with a heavy sigh and a gaze looking out the window that makes me think she's weighing heavy thoughts in her mind, too.
I make a point to come back to it with her later so she can get it off her chest.
"Are any of us?" I sigh, rubbing my eyes. "I know I'm not."
"So when you say big feelings, you mean the way you're feeling at the thought of leaving Jasper."
"And you two," I add. "I still can't believe I only get to see you and Rose for two weeks out of the whole year."
Logistically, it makes sense, but it still doesn't make the distance between us any less painful.
"As busy as I make myself, I still end up missing you both so much," Bella says. She still has a far off look in her eye and worries her bottom lip between her teeth.
"I told myself I was here to have fun this summer. And I've had more of it than I thought I would. But the thought of it ending in a few days…" I stop myself from continuing.
"Yeah, big feelings." Bella agrees, exhaling loudly and rolling onto her back now that she has finished her snack. "Have you talked to Jasper about any of this? These thoughts have probably crossed his mind, too, you know."
"Not yet. I didn't even give much thought to anything past the island until tonight. And briefly last night. But it has to be simple. Fun. I live in Florida. He lives in Boston. And Bree," I object, my brow furrowing at the thought of how Bree would play into all of this. The thought makes me nervous.
"He travels all the time for work," Bella says, interrupting my anxious thoughts. "A plane ride up and down the east coast is probably nothing to him."
"Says the world traveler," I joke, thinking of Edward's boat and all the time she has spent on it the last few days. "In that vein, I can see a voyage on the seas for you in the future then."
Watching Bella and Edward together has been nothing short of amazing.
"A voyage on stormy seas," she corrects me with a low mumble, and I look at her strangely but she shakes her head and moves on.
She'll tell me when she's ready.
"But hey," she says, sitting up to make sure I see her, "you're worrying for nothing. Jasper is not the kind of guy that's not going to listen to things that make you worry. I think you found a good one here. And even though we're leaving, I don't see that being a problem for him."
"Maybe," I exhale softly, standing up from my chair to finally find something to wear. I realize it's not the clothes that are giving me a hard time, but more so the person who has to wear them: me. Frustrated with myself, I settle on a white sundress that falls to my thighs before disappearing into the shower.
After my shower, I give myself plenty of time to get ready, using the extra time to talk to Bree and force myself to stop focusing on the end of vacation. I always feel this way at this point in our trip, sometimes getting so caught up in the end looming over us that I forget I still have a few more days to enjoy before heading to the airport. It's always bittersweet, leaving the island and separating from the girls for another year, but this time it's different.
This time I have a whole new person to say goodbye to.
And I don't even know if I'm saying goodbye.
Maybe we should have discussed life after the island. We agreed to focus on the fun, and we absolutely have. I've had more fun than I ever planned on back in Florida when I was getting ready to leave my house.
But now that I've realized just how little time we have to have said fun, I can't help but think what my life will be like without having Jasper four houses down from me.
Even when I hear the soft knock on the front porch, it's hard to get it off my mind, despite how gorgeous he looks in his black polo and gray shorts.
"Front door?" I ask, opening the screen door to let him inside. "I hope you weren't waiting long. I was expecting to see you walking up the beach."
"Eh, I was thinking about it. Knocking on the front door felt a little more traditional."
"Traditional? Hmm," I ponder out loud, wondering if anything about this or us has been traditional. As the door closes behind him, I smile, realizing that the way we got here doesn't matter.
Trusting the journey to this moment is what counts.
"Here," Jasper says, holding out a small bouquet of both sunflowers and Maine wildflowers. "I realized on my way over that I may not have thought this all the way through. I hope there's a vase somewhere in the house for you to put these in."
It's a simple gesture, very traditional, and I feel my heart clench in my chest. Gently, I take the flowers into my grasp and stand on my tip toes to place a kiss on his lips.
"They're beautiful," I say softly once we've pulled apart. I bring them to my nose, inhaling new scents and new memories to attach to them. "Thank you. Come on in."
I lead him by the hand to the kitchen so I can place the flowers in water. I find a vase and place it, now full, in the center of the island and the feeling of fulfillment that starts in my stomach and spreads through my toes is enough to make me forget all the doubts I was feeling before Jasper arrived.
"You ready?" He asks, bringing me out of my stupor. Nodding excitedly, we make our way to the front door and begin the short walk to the ferry.
"Edward gave me a bunch of places he recommended on the mainland," Jasper says when we see Carlisle in the distance.
"Well, since he's a local, then I'm sure we're going to love it," I reply.
"They all sounded amazing. I figured we could just walk the strip and choose then."
That's exactly what we end up doing.
Once Carlisle drops us off at the mainland, we follow the outdoor music and the smell of freshly cooked food and head towards the boardwalk. The weather is on our side again tonight, and even though we end up spending the majority of our night outside near the water, it's the perfect temperature for a summertime evening. There is plenty of activity for a Thursday night, and we enjoy the hustle and bustle of the people around us.
It seems there is a little something for everyone tonight, and we stroll until we stumble upon a secluded restaurant on the quiet side of the strip. It's located one shop away from the corner that sits perpendicular to the busy part of the boardwalk, so most people pass by to enjoy the livelier music and crowds. Once Jasper checks the name of the restaurant and recognizes it as one of the places Edward had recommended, we make our way inside to put our names on the list. It's a short wait, and we don't mind biding our time at the small, outside bar for our table to be ready. We each order a drink and listen to the ocean swell on the other side of the boardwalk, and not long after that we find ourselves browsing over the menu.
Once our table is ready, we sit beneath golden twinkle lights at a small, outside table in the corner of the patio of the restaurant. We can still hear the waves from our spot, and the sky is painted pink and orange and purple as the sun fades into the night sky.
"I would have chosen this place even if it didn't make Edward's list," I tell Jasper as I take a small sip of my wine. The night air blows across my skin sending a small but welcome chill down my body.
"I don't even know what to choose," Jasper laughs, pointing at the extensive menu. "Everything looks so good."
I pick up my menu again, my eyes landing on so many different dishes that make my mouth water. "We may be here for a while," I say with a laugh as I turn my menu over to see there is a whole other side I haven't even looked at yet.
"I'm fine with that," Jasper says, placing his menu down on the table next to him. He reaches for my hand and smiles softly when my gaze meets his from across the table. "More than fine."
"What if we're here all night and the ice cream place on the corner is closed before you can have your ice cream?"
He pauses, stares at me with a deadpanned look on his face, before he drops my hands and quickly brings his menu up to his face again. "Well, the mahi sounds amazing."
I laugh loudly, covering my hand with my mouth to stifle the sound. He joins me soon after, the two of us enjoying our own quiet joke together at our table in the corner. "Thank you," I breathe.
"For what?" Jasper's head tilts lightly to one side as he regards me with a look of intrigue and curiosity.
"For pushing me," I reply, using my choice of words from the night he kissed me on the beach for the first time. I sigh, shaking my head and looking out onto the water. "Being able to laugh like this again isn't something I'd ever thought I'd be able to do."
"Your girls make you laugh," he points out, taking a sip of his wine.
"Yes, but not in the same way," I object. "I don't feel the same way towards them that I feel towards you."
"It'd be kinda hot if you did," Jasper jokes, and I playfully kick his shin lightly under the table with another giggle. He reaches for my hand again, his fingertips soft as they dance along my own, and sighs. "The thought of not hearing your laugh is almost blasphemous."
His voice is soft, and I love the way I can feel the honesty in his words. "I'm going to miss this," I say sadly.
An eyebrow pulls upwards and he looks at me puzzled. "Miss it?"
"This happens every trip. I start feeling like the trip is over before it actually is." A frown tugs at my lips and I don't bother to shake it away. "It reminds me of how I felt towards the end of Peter's battle. I remember coming to the island that July and feeling terrible for mourning him even though he was still here with us. It was hard for me to reconcile my feelings of missing him when he was still here."
Jasper nods, giving me this space to process my feelings out loud. He doesn't rush me, but eventually he clears his throat and asks in a small voice, "Is this your way of saying goodbye to me?"
"No!" I all but yell. I cringe and squeeze his hand, hard. "Sorry. But no."
"Do you want to say goodbye?" He asks but continues before I can answer him. "I know what this trip was about for you this summer. And I'm thrilled, Ali, honored even, to be able to give you what you deserve. But can I be honest here?"
"Of course," I tell him earnestly. I feel like somehow he knows I'm scared. That I'm searching for a reassurance I didn't want to admit I needed from him. He makes sure our eyes meet when he says it. "I know that I don't want to say goodbye to you when you leave on Saturday."
I feel my breath catch in my throat. "I don't want that, either."
"So we don't say goodbye," Jasper says with a confident smile. "We find a way to make it work."
"How?" I ask, thinking of all the logistics that would go into this. The first thing that crosses my mind is Bree, and I don't even know where to begin with that one.
"I don't fucking know," he laughs that laugh that makes my stomach drop into my feet. "But the only thing that matters is that we're both willing to try."
Like Jasper, I don't know how. All I know is the why – because he brought me back to life beneath the summer skies – and I know I'm willing to try any way I have to.
"I want to try," I whisper to him. It's vulnerable and raw and honest and it sets me free. For the first time in years, I feel like I can rest. I don't feel like I have to navigate this world alone.
His eyes soft and his smile warm, he raises his glass in the air towards mine. "To trying together."
And then he kisses me like he'll never let me go.
My Grandma got back to me and shared her Bellybutton Mushroom recipe! I posted our conversation in our Facebook group, Nerdy Lil Darlins Fanfic!
See you tomorrow!