AN: So, new longest chapter, and it gets hot later on.
The photography studio was quite glad to see the crowd I brought in. It was a respectable place I'd heard, with quick and ready service. The photographer greeted us and a few attendants were quickly summoned to assist us. Each of the officers had a bag holding their uniform, I had insisted on wanting formal portraits of them in uniform, and they were quickly led off to a room to don them. I was already well put together in a shirtwaist, waistcoat and walking skirt. The photographer himself led me to the main studio, a large room with a great many props set around a large plain backdrop. There was a bank of electric lights, which an attendant was adjusting as we walked in. The photographer gestured to the canvas backdrop, "We can change that if you like, what were you thinking?"
"Oh, that should be fine." I paced the area, "And we shouldn't need too much, just some chairs."
"You're just wanting a group portrait then?" He barely looked away from his camera as he attended to it.
"A group portrait, individual portraits, and one portrait of myself and one of them." I picked up a wooden chair, moving it over by the backdrop. "And I would like multiple copies of each." The attendant who had been adjusting the lights quickly rounded up some more chairs, and brought over a large plaster column, a plaster planter and a silk plant on top. Another was brought over, giving a formal air to the plain chairs.
"We can handle that ma'am, how soon do you want them?"
"As soon as possible, I can stay to pick them up."
"It'll be an hour or two." He looked over as an attendant walked in, followed by the officers. "Gentlemen, if you'll arrange yourselves for me. Tallest in the back, I'll have the lady in the center chair and then we'll move on to the individual portraits." It took some shuffling, and a muffled curse from Lowe, but eventually we were all arranged. Will had managed to position himself behind me, and I glanced back. He was in his jacket, his cap in his hands and seemed to be concentrating on looking straight ahead. The photographer huddled behind his camera, "Alright, look over here and wait until I tell you it's finished." I pasted a small smile on my face, holding as still as I could. It didn't take ten minutes for the picture to be taken anymore, but it was still long enough that my cheeks were beginning to hurt by the time the photographer spoke again. "Alright, we'll move on to the individual ones now. If I can get you all to head to the waiting room and I'll have you called in one at a time." He barely paid us any mind, instead engaging one attendant in a heated discussion over the location of a box of negatives as another attendant led us off to the waiting room.
I took a glass of water from a tray that had been set out on a side table, glad for the drink. It had been rather hot underneath all those lights. The officers all seemed to have the same thought, taking their own glasses and drinking greedily. Pitman downed his in one go, "All this wool under those lights, enough to make you sweat."
"Not exactly comfortable there, Herbert?" Charles chuckled, "Poor Moody got the first solo picture, better leave some for him." We took advantage of the variety of chairs around the room, and fell into conversation. They were all looking forward to returning home it seemed. Charles quickly tried to cover, "Not that we haven't been thankful for your hospitality here Anastasia, but I'd like to see my wife before I ship out again."
"I understand, 'Be it ever so humble, there's no place like home'." I smiled, "But if you're in New York again, feel free to visit. You all have a standing invitation to any parties I hold. And dinner." They had a laugh at that, the discussion of the excesses of New York society carrying them through the photography sessions as Moody, his jacket decidedly darker under his arms, came back and the rest were cycled through. When it was Will's turn, I followed him through. I stopped by the photographer, "This is the man I would like a picture with."
"Fine, just stay back until I say." He grumbled, "Stand right on the mark sir, turn a little, yes that's it. Now stay still." I couldn't help but grin seeing Will, his pose so stiff and formal as he looked straight at the camera. I rolled my eyes at him, watching as he relaxed a little. He looked more natural, but not quite enough. He didn't fully relax until the picture was finished. The photographer gave a gesture to one of the attendants, who quickly brought a chair over. "Now ma'am, if you'll just sit there and look towards me, lift your chin a bit, there you are. And sir, behind her, place a hand on the back of the chair, just like that."
I looked up to Will, holding his pose rigidly. I reached up and touched the hand on the chair, "Relax Will, it's alright."
"It hotter than the blazes in this," He shifted, "And I wish I still had my frock coat, it would look better than this."
"Then we'll have to get more pictures taken once we've gotten you a replacement." I gave his hand a squeeze, turning back before the photographer could call out at us again. If I had to hazard a guess I would say the man made his money in how quickly he was able to turn around his business, for he had all of us back out in the lobby and was calculating the tab with a speed that astounded me. I turned to the officers, the scratching of pencil on paper constant. "Why don't you all head out, make sure you have everything you need? There's some shops near here, just have them send the tab to the house. I'll wait for the pictures." That was met with a grateful discussion about what they had been missing, and I watched them leave before I turned to the photographer, "I wonder, sir, if you might perhaps allow me to take some photos of a different nature?" The idea had struck me last night, in Will's arms, to send him with something beyond memories. Something to remind him of me, and not just a trinket.
He barely looked up from his till. "For your man?"
His directness struck me, "Yes, for him."
"Let me get Lucy." He turned around, calling for her from the back of the shop before he came back. "Ladies tend to let Lucy do that a fair it easier than me. It's actually quite popular, especially with soldier's wives. I take it you'll want the negatives too?"
I assured him that I did, and Lucy quickly emerged and escorted me back. She was a short woman, with a great cloud of blonde hair that was pinned within an inch of its life to her head. Her manner was very prompt as she led me to an area done up like a bedroom, with a changing screen off to the side. "So, how far down do you want to go?" Fabric was draped behind a chaise, hiding the plain wall, and a camera posed before the chaise.
"I hadn't really thought about it." I blushed, "He's going back to England soon and I just thought to send him with something personal so he didn't forget me."
"Well, we can do a few then. He'll like that." She took me around the changing screen, her fingers flying over the buttons of my dress. It and my petticoat were swiftly flung over the changing screen, my corset loosened and bloomers removed. I was left in my stockings, corset and chemise. I suppose part of me should have been embarrassed, but I'd had maids helping me for so long that it was nothing to be in front of her like this. Lucy drew me out from behind the screen, arranging me on the chaise. The bottom of my chemise was tucked up underneath me with the tops of my thighs showing, while the top was pulled down to reveal the swell of my breasts over the edge of my corset. My legs she said were very important, that both needed to be shown and the black stockings I had worn were perfect. The way she posed me though, that made me blush. My legs were stretched out as far as they could, my hair draped around my face and more of my breasts on display that I had ever had before. Lucy ducked behind the camera and spent a few minutes fiddling with it before she returned. "Alright, for the next one let's keep the stockings only."
"Only my stockings?" I felt my blush deepen, even as Lucy was hustling me towards the screen.
"It'll be a great one, with your hair hanging down your back. Trust me, I've done this hundreds of times for hundreds of ladies." She was so matter of fact about it that I almost felt embarrassed to be embarrassed. If hundreds of other women were posing like this, I should be fine. I still kept an arm crossed over my breasts and one much lower as she walked me through the pose she had in mind. I was to stand with my back to the camera, my hair hanging loose down my back, my shoulders turned just enough to reveal the side of my breast. Lucy looked through the camera for a moment, "If you could just drop your eyes a little, right there." I tried my best to look wanton as she took the picture, as if I revealed my backside every day.
"I think only one more." I said after she had emerged from behind the camera. "There's not much more to show."
"Oh Miss, that's where you're wrong." She laughed, "But if you want to keep something hidden, we can make you look like a painting." She directed me over to the chaise, slipping my stockings off as I sat. I instinctively covered myself, but she drew a length of white fabric from the backdrop, arranging it artfully so that it draped below my waist, hiding myself but allowing almost all of my thighs and belly to be shown.
"Now miss, just let your lips part and put out your hand, like you're inviting him to join you." Lucy stepped back, watching as I stretched out my arm, trying to curl my fingers elegantly. She reached down to adjust them, and brought my other hand up to rest on the side of my head. My hair she let curl down over one shoulder, arranging it over my breast. My arm was beginning to shake slightly when she stepped behind the camera, and I practically ordered it to hold still. This one seemed to take forever, but Lucy eventually came back and helped me dress before showing me back to the waiting room. "I'll have everything ready for you soon Miss, just be patient." I was anxious as I waited, pacing the room. Was it to much? Would Will think me loose and wanton and leave me? Would he pass them around and think me a foolish girl?
This line of thought kept running through my mind even as I rode home, the pictures and negatives safely tucked into an envelope and held close. Had this all been a mistake? No, I had to trust him. He wouldn't pass them around, and given the fact that he was reluctant to show affection to me around the other officers, he wouldn't tell them about it. There were still out shopping by the time I got home, and I headed up to the library, only stopping to grab my stationary and a pen. I would write Will a letter to let him know what I had done, and would place it and the pictures in his bag. That way he would find it when he opened it onboard the ship. Having closed the door, opened the curtains, and composed myself, I began to write.
Will,
I am writing so that you may know how much I care for you. We may have only known each other for a short time, it is hard to believe that in four weeks so much has happened. So much tragedy, but also so much love. For I love you Will, with all my heart and soul. I will wait as long as I must in order to be with you, but I would be with you even if you had nothing. Even if I had nothing, I would be content with you, knowing that in those beautiful blue eyes of yours I would be loved. I know you do not want to propose until you feel that you have settled yourself in some manner that would please me, and please yourself, but all that would please me would be to be yours. If White Star does not keep you on, present yourself at Dalian Shipping's Southampton offices and I will see to everything. Do not think I will make you a captain though, my love. I will merely arrange for a position that would suit you and your skills. And do not think of that as charity. When we marry, I will handle the offices and you shall handle the ships, seeing to everything about them. At least, if that would please you.
Oh Will, I am filled with such fear when I think about the future. I fear that I will be unable to handle the business, I fear that the Reichsters shall redouble their efforts to blacken our names and destroy the business. But mostly I fear for you. I fear that your ship shall not make it Southampton, I fear that you will fall into melancholy when I am not there to comfort you. I fear that something I do over here may disappoint you, and that you shall leave me. But most of all, I fear that you shall forget me over in England, and so I have arranged for a few surprises for you. They are a rather naughty and I ask that you not show them to anyone else. And please do not think that I undertook this easily, I am showing you more of myself than I have every shown anyone. Think of them as a gesture of how much I love you, and how much I desire to be in your thoughts. Please wire me as soon as you are settled in the hotel so I can send letters. Enjoy the pictures, and know that I will be quite angry if I find out you have been showing them to the others.
With all my love,
Your Ana
It needed more. I cast about the library, looking for something. Our poetry collection was rather slim, we were much more given to novels and histories than poetry. But I knew love letters that ended with poetry read better, that it meant more. At least, it did in the romances I had read. Eventually I found a collection of sailing songs, a gift Mother had received from Morgan one year for Christmas. I paged through it, trying to feel something. There were shanties, but those were for work, not love. There were plenty of songs about battles, widows pining for their lost husbands, or ladies waiting for word of their lover. I discarded those. I wanted a happy song, but there were such tragic ones to sort through. I found one though, one that spoke to me. It was not a perfect fit, but it would do. I brought my letter over, copying the some of the lines below my signature, changing them to fit as needed.
I told my loving sailor
My heart, it is in pain
William, when you go
I fear you'll ne'er return again
He holds my heart close
Oh, my jolly sailor bold
My happiness attend him
Wherever he may go
Until I am in his arms
I'll wander, weep and moan
All for my jolly sailor
Until he sails home
My father was a merchant
The truth I now will tell
And in Old New York
In opulence we dwell'd
His fortune was immense
He never did withhold
And he left it to his daughter
Who loves her sailor bold
A fig for my riches
My merchandise and gold
True love has grafted my heart
Give me my sailor bold
Should he return in pov'rty
From o'er the ocean far
To my tender bosom
I'll press my jolly tar
Come all you pretty fair maids
Whoever you may be
Who love a jolly sailor
That plows the raging sea
While up aloft in storm
From me his absence mourn
And firmly pray arrive the day
He's never more to roam
My heart is pierced by Cupid
I disdain all glittering gold
For nothing can console me
But my jolly sailor bold
My tutoring in poetry had proven to me that I would never make money off it, but I felt it was passable. It wasn't overwrought with emotion, and it felt honest. A song about loving a sailor and longing for him to come home, that his safe arrival would be worth more than any treasure. If that wasn't how I felt, I didn't know what was. Setting the letter aside to dry, I turned to the pictures. Each was enclosed in a small fold of cardboard, and I quickly separated them out into copies for the officers, and copies for me to keep. It was strange to see them, frozen in gray, when I had become so used to them around me. The picture of Will and I looked so formal, nothing like the tenderness he showed me when we were alone. The way the corners of his eyes would wrinkle as he smiled, how his hand would brush against mine. And I looked straight ahead, as if I had no care for who was with me. But still, it was something to hold onto when he was gone. I would get it framed, and keep it close. I placed it in my pile of pictures and negatives, turning to the more lascivious ones.
I looked like lust incarnate, my eyes dark and lips parted as I seemed to beg the viewer to join me in my wickedness. My limbs, so wantonly displayed, seemed to go on forever and it made me blush to see my breasts so openly displayed. Hardly anything was hidden, the soft drape of fabric the only thing keeping the crux of my thighs from the viewer. Lucy had been right, Will wouldn't be able to forget these. I hastily closed the cardboard, my cheek burning, and slipped both the letter and the pictures into an envelope. On the envelope itself I wrote, William Murdoch, Open on Your First Night Away. Taking the envelope, I made my way down to Will's room. His trunk was still there, his bag on top. Sliding my hands over the black leather of his bag, I placed it underneath some of his clothing.
It all seemed so final now, he'd be gone by this time tomorrow. Not even a week since I buried Father and Will would be leaving. For the first time since the sinking, I wouldn't have him to lean on, I would have to be strong and continue on my own. To say that I was unafraid of that would have been a lie, I was terrified. Terrified that I would cause some incident that would lead to the company dissolving, terrified that I might go mad on my own. But most of all, I was terrified that I would disappoint everyone. That Mother would be ashamed of me, that Will would cast me aside because I had failed in some way. I could live without being the best in my business, but to fail everyone was something I could not live with.
I was still caught up in my thoughts when Peggy entered, a pair of footmen behind her. "Oh, Miss Anastasia. What are you doing here?"
"I'm sorry Peggy, I was leaving a letter for Will." I stood from where I had sat on the edge of the bed. "I'm afraid I just got caught up."
"Oh, that's alright Miss." Peggy gestured to the trunk, "You two, take that out and load it in the truck for tomorrow morning." They quickly bent themselves to the task, easily maneuvering the large trunk out the door and down the stairs. Peggy watched them leave before she turned to me, "Will Mr. Murdoch be joining you tonight?"
I couldn't detect any judgement in her voice, and answered honestly. "Yes, he will."
"I will have dinner sent up to your sitting room then, the others decided to go out for dinner." She headed back out, her skirt trailing behind her a moment before it flipped around the corner. I moved across the hall to my sitting room, trying to find something to occupy myself with. A book failed to distract me, and eventually I picked up a piece of embroidery I had been working on before we had left for Europe. I discarded my waistcoat, I usually had to contort myself quite a bit when I sewed, changing my position as I changed my place on the fabric and the embroidery work. It was a peacock, the tail picked out in blue and green silk as it curled over the back of the bird. I set myself to it, only looking up when the door opened. It was only a maid with a large tray though, plates and cutlery outside of a large covered dish. She bobbed a curtsy before heading out.
I had just begun to start on the eye of one of the tail feathers when the door opened again. Will, back out of uniform, stepped in with a smile, pulling his jacket off and draping it over a chair. "I'm sorry I'm late, Charles had us running all over town. And then they wanted to head out for one more night, and I had to at least have a drink with them."
I put my sewing aside, "Oh, it's fine. Dinner only came up a little while ago." Standing, I began to serve. Our cook had sent up a hearty meal, beef steaks and vegetables roasted in its juices and rolls with fresh butter. I tried to keep myself positive as we ate, listening to him talk about Charles desperately searching for something to bring his wife. Apparently nothing had quite satisfied him, so he had decided to replace quality with quantity.
Will, wiping up a bit of juice from his plate with a roll, chuckled, "He probably has more packed for her than for him."
"I'm sure she'll be happy just to have him home." I tried to keep my voice even, "It's been so long, she must miss him terribly."
"Yes, she must." His voice was quiet, and I shifted as he joined me on the settee. "We all miss our families." His arm snaked around my waist, "But I will miss you, over there. You know that, right?"
"Yes," I leaned into his touch, "But it will just be so strange, to have you gone."
"You will manage. I am sure there is much to do with the business and you can always write to me."
"I would much rather be with you." I said, turning to him. "A letter cannot hold me, cannot kiss me." He took me into his arms, drawing me close. "I can't manage without you." I was tearing up by now, my face pressed to his shoulder. "You make me steady, you keep me from thinking about all that I saw and what I must do. Please, let me come with you to England."
He kissed my cheek, his fingers in my hair. "Shh, we need to learn to be apart, if only for a little while. And the papers would savage you further."
"I would keep away from reporters, as long as I could be with you. I wouldn't suffer from that."
"You would, the British rags would be much less forgiving. And I would not have them writing that I have you following me like a dog." He gently pulled me from his shoulder, holding my eyes with his. "I will come back, I promise."
I kissed him then, and I felt his hands drop to my waist and pull me tight against him. I was inexperienced in this type of intense kiss, the train was the first one where I had felt this desire flare up, but I was game to try anything he wanted. When I felt his tongue upon my lips I opened my mouth, searching out his lips with my own tongue. Our breathing grew heavy, our hands desperate to hold the other as close as we could. I felt hot, and wanted nothing more than to shed my clothes. I wanted to feel him, beneath his shirt, feel his skin under my hands. I shifted myself, straddling him and settling onto his thighs. Something against my leg, part of him, was growing hot and hard against me. I tugged at his waistcoat, fumbling with the buttons. He broke off then, his hands stilling mine. "Ana, we can't."
I was fairly panting by then. "You're leaving, I can't do this without you and I just, I just want-" I shook his hands away, finally getting the damn waistcoat open and working on the shirt. "I want you, Will." I heard him saying something, but I pushed it away in my mind, tearing at the buttons of his shirt. They opened, revealing him to me. He was pale, without the bulging muscles you saw on some men, and a smattering of hair. I let my hands wander up from his waist to his chest, tracing the ropy muscles I felt underneath, placing kisses along his neck and winding my hands around to grasp at his back. His muscles twitched under my fingers, and I let my nails drag down his back to his waist. "I want you Will, please, please, just before you leave, just take me."
"Ana, you have no idea how much I want you, but..." His voice was deep, and I felt one of his hands slide up to cup at my breast. His hand felt strong, and his touch was driving me mad, but I could only feel the pressure of it, not him. I cursed the corset I was wearing, and tore at my shirtwaist until it hung open. His fingers moved to actually touch my breast where it rose above the corset, calloused fingers slipping beneath my chemise, and it was like fire against my skin. I leaned into that touch, hearing myself keep begging, begging for him to just let go of his damn honor for one night. His hands dropped, unhooking the busk and opening the corset. I tugged my shirt off, discarding the corset and slipping my arms out of my chemise so it fell to my waist. His eyes grew wide as he saw my breasts, his hands rising to cup them. I could feel my nipples grow hard against the palms of his hands, and I brought my own hands up to cover his, urging him to hold them tighter.
I shifted myself on his lap, hearing him hiss as I moved against the hardness pressing against me. I moved again, hearing him actually moan and the hand on my breast grew tighter. I kept at it, the friction between us pleasing for him obviously, and I felt a heat beginning below my waist that flared when I moved against him. Will's eyes were dark, and he grabbed at my hips, his fingers digging into them as he lowered his mouth to my breasts. I couldn't help the moan that ripped from me, like all my breath had been pulled out at once as his lips closed around my nipple. He sucked gently at it, and when his teeth grazed my skin I clutched his head tight to my breast, my head thrown back. "Oh God, Will, yes!"
I kept my hands clasped around his head, tracing my fingers through his hair as he continued to suckle at my breasts. The feeling of his lips, the firmness of his teeth and the way he moved his tongue, swirling it around and sucking, drove me to madness. I felt hot, a warmth in me building and refusing to cool, desperate for something, something between my legs. Will's hands began moving my hips in a rhythm that stoked the heat in me, driving me further against the hardness of him and my breath growing ragged as I let loose another moan, beyond words and reduced only to mere sounds. He looked up from my breasts for a moment, his eyes dark and his voice harsh, and the Scottish brogue in it thick, as he spoke. "God, you're being such a good girl for me, aren't you Ana?"
I dropped my lips back to his, moving against him still. The heat was building in my belly, a clenching that felt so good I was chasing it, flaring when I was pressed tightly to him, and burning when I moved against him. I could feel him moving beneath me, the motion driving me wild with want. All I wanted was him, to feel his touch and his breath on my cheek. To have him on top of me again, but with nothing between us. His touch was fire against my skin, and I wanted to burn. For tomorrow he would be gone and I would be alone. His hand tightened on my waist, his lips dropping to my the underside of my jaw and moving slowly down my neck, sucking at my skin. I moaned as I felt him kiss his way back up my neck, the hand on my breast gently kneading it as he did. "I'll be good, I promise Will, but please. Please Will, I need you." I sounded desperate, and I did not care. I was desperate, desperate for his touch, for him to not stop rutting against me and for the feeling building inside me to continue. The pressure that was building up, the way my muscles would flutter and I moved faster, begging for some kind of release that had to be close. The thought of tomorrow, of him leaving, terrified me. But if I could have him, if he could have me, even for one night, I could bear it. I tried to press myself against him even further, my hand straying down to his waist, and beginning to drift to the hardness between his legs before he stopped me, his hands grabbing mine tightly. He pulled himself away, his breath heavy and harsh. I could feel tears on my cheeks, "Will, just take me. Before you leave, please. I want you. I'm so scared, just, just take me and I'll be good until you come back, I promise."
I tried to pull my hand away to continue my investigation below his belt, but his grip was firm. Gently he pressed me back, bringing his head to rest on mine, our eyes barely apart. For a moment all I could hear was our ragged breathing, and the beating of my heart. My blood was rushing in my ears, and I moaned at the loss of his touch on my breast. I felt so hot, and the parts of me pressed against him begged for more movement, a twitching in my hips that I was unable to stop. Will gently ran his thumb across my bottom lip, "I know Ana, love. I want it too, God you don't know how much I want you right now, but I will not dishonor you. I lost myself for a moment, forgive me."
"Will, you stupid man. I won't forgive you for this, this is everything I want." I kissed him again but I could feel the restraint in him. "Will, I love you. Please, let me do this for you. Do this for me. Just, please, before you leave."
He brought his hand up, brushing my cheek before curling around my head. "And I love you Ana, but I will not take advantage of you like this. You are scared, and desperate. I would be worse than Reichster if I were to use that to take you to bed."
"I want it though!" I cried, "I want you, if I can just have you for one night, one single night, it'll be enough."
"And if I leave you pregnant?" He placed a hand on my stomach, and I twitched at the feeling of his work roughened hand on the smooth skin. It was not unpleasant. "If I left you for months, in mourning, with a bastard in your belly? No Ana, I will not take that risk. You cannot take that risk."
My confidence wilted in me, "Will, please. I just, I can't." The tears came then, in a flood that left any thoughts of him ravishing me behind. I didn't want him to leave, to get on a ship and go back to England while I would be here, alone. It had been bad enough in Washington, when it was only the nights where I was alone. Now it would be all the time, until the British inquiry was finished. I had no idea how long it would be until he held me again, and I didn't want to let him go. He might not even make it to England, what if another sinking happened? I spilled all of this out as I wept on his shoulder, all the fears that had built up within me. He held me close, murmuring that it would not be for long, that he would return and all would be well, tracing his hands along my back as he did.
Sniffing, I wrapped my hands in his shirtfront. "You will still sleep in my bed though? If I promise to behave?"
"Of course, are you going to see me off in the morning? You do not have to." He reached for his discarded jacket, withdrawing his handkerchief and gently mopping up the mess that I am sure was on my face.
I kissed him again. "I will watch until I cannot see the ship." He went back to the other room then, leaving me flushed and frustrated on the settee. I dug my palms into my eyes, swearing I would not cry again. I could not keep crying, I refused to be one of those woman who reacted to every hardship with tears. I went to a basin, splashing some cold water onto my face before drying it on a towel. I looked into my mirror, seeking out what was wrong with me. My face was flushed, my eyes wild, my hair disheveled, and my lips swollen. I could see dark marks on my neck and breasts from his kisses. No wonder Will didn't want me, I looked like a madwoman.
I didn't ring for Peggy, undressing myself. The buttons on my skirt frustrated me, and I angrily kicked at the wall when I lost them once again. I tried to collect myself, drawing in a deep breath. They came easier after that, and I threw both it and my already discarded shirtwaist into the corner. The petticoat I had been wearing joined them, and I found myself left in my chemise, already half off. I tugged it the rest of the way, reaching over to a grab a cloth and dip it in the basin I had brought with me. I scrubbed myself down, doing my best to ignore the part of me, below my waist, that was begging for more movement, for the heat that had been building between Will and I, until I felt clean and calm when I finally pulled my night gown on.
He had already come back by the time I had finished, settled in the bed and his eyes closed. I caught the lights, leaving us in the dark, but I made my way to the bed with a skill born of years knowing the layout of my room. I lay next to him, resting my head on his chest. I could hear him breathe, deep and strong beside me. There was one last thing I wanted, aside from him, before he left. I rose up on my arm, reaching out to gently touch his chest. "Will, what did you talk about that night, with my father?"
I saw his eyes open, a slight glimmer in the light from the windows, and he propped himself up so that he looked me full in the face. "When we had the cigars?"
"Yes." I whispered, suddenly scared for some reason. What if Father had told him that he was just a passing fancy? A shipboard romance that wouldn't last beyond the voyage?
Will paused for a moment, "He wanted to be sure I wasn't just after your money, that I truly had feelings for you." He settled back down, but pulled me over so I rested on his chest again. "He told me how much you meant to him, how much he loved you, how long he and your mother had tried to have children but only had you, and that he would hunt me down to the ends of the earth if I ever did anything to harm you." I felt the sting of tears come, and rubbed my face against his pajamas. "I told him all that I admired about you, your beauty and kindness, and that I would sooner lose everything than to harm you in any way." A mirthless chuckle rumbled out. "Didn't think it would actually be that way though."
"You haven't lost everything, you know." I rose up, kissing his nose lightly. "You still have me."
"And you have me Ana, for as long as you want." He cupped the back of my head, and I leaned into his hand. "Once everything has settled, you'll have me and I'll have you. It will all be well."
"What will we do then, Will?"
"I'll show you my house in Southampton, and we'll visit my family in Scotland."
"And I'll take you to all the best stores in London and deck you out like a dandy." I smiled, "We'll go sailing in Newport, just us."
"And I'll propose." He drew me down to his chest, and I curled up against him.
"We'll have a huge engagement party." I murmured into his ear, "And a wedding to make the other girls jealous."
He turned suddenly, and I was staring up at him as he leaned over me. He was holding himself up on his arms, and I wanted him to drop down, to feel the weight of him on me. I could barely make out his eyes, but he fairly growled as he loomed over me. "And then I will have you, and won't let you leave the bed for a week." I should have felt scared, but instead I felt excited. This was nothing like Zachary caging me in his arms, this was Will and I desperately wanted him to crush me to him as he had before.
I laced my fingers around his shoulders, pulling myself up so that I pressed my breasts to his chest. "If you're trying to scare me, it's not working."
"You should be scared of how you make me feel." He shifted as I ran my cheek along his, the stubble catching against my face. "What I want to do to you. It's not things a man should want to do to a fine lady like you."
I gave a snort as he moved back, turning onto his side. I reached a hand over his shoulder, letting my lips graze his ear. "Maybe I'm not such a fine lady Will, for I want to do a great many things with you."
"When we're married." He grumbled, "How long until you're out of mourning?"
"I'll be in half mourning in July." I flopped onto my back, feeling frustration begin to build in me again. He was right though, he couldn't exactly propose while I was in full mourning Father. Eventually, once I beat the Reichsters back, the papers and society at large could accept an engagement like this. Will had made it fairly clear he wouldn't let me walk down the aisle pregnant as some of the other girls I knew had done, despite how much I desired him. But to have an engagement party when the woman was still in mourning, that was enough to get you cut from the lowest of parties.
I heard Will exhale sharply, "Hell, perhaps it's better for us to have an ocean between us. At least for a month." His arm still curled around me though, and I pressed myself to his side, knowing that it would be the last private moment we had for awhile.
The morning came early, and I woke with it. I did not move, unwilling to leave Will's arms even for a minute. Instead I focused on him, imprinting his features into my memory. I had the photographs of course, but nothing compared to seeing him in person. His brow was furled, eyes moving beneath their lids. I gently brushed my fingers against his cheek, watching his brow smooth and him relax. I can't say how long I watched him, only that it was fully bright when he woke.
I rang for breakfast and a maid to help me dress. It was back to black and veils, but I felt it today. There would be nothing to smile about today, nothing that bright colors could improve. I knew it took some time to eat after dressing, but it seemed that we were back in the carriages and moving to the piers in a minute. Charles and James were sharing the carriage with us, their small baggage piled on top. A truck followed with the trunks, and porters swarmed it as we pulled up to the docks. I let Will hand me out while the coachman got their baggage from the roof. Charles and James, along with the other officers, headed off for the ship while Will hung back.
I looked out at the ship tied up at the dock, the Adriatic. It was smaller, only two funnels in buff and black. But it still felt eerie to see it there, the paint not as bright and shining, but it looked so like the Titanic with them. I am not ashamed to say that I gripped Will's hand tightly. "Please Will, reconsider. Let me come with you." I couldn't help the quaver in my voice, "Or you can stay here, I don't mind."
"No love, you are needed here. And I have to go, you know that." He gently drew me to him. "I will be back before you know it, and soon you will have the business well in hand and I'll find work. It will all be alright."
I pressed my lips to his cheek. "Be safe Will, I placed a letter in your bag. Read it tonight. And," I moved my lips to his ear, "Please, don't have those thoughts again. Not while I'm away from you."
He kissed me properly, and I will admit to clinging to him. I brought my hand up to hold his cheek, and I could feel tears begin to spill. He broke off, bringing his thumb up to wipe them away. "I will, and you need to take care of yourself while I'm gone Ana, for me."
"I will, I promise. I love you, Will."
"And I love you, Ana." He kissed me on the cheek, and taking his bag in hand, made his way down to the pier with the others. I watched them board, then searched the decks to see if I could see him. The ship was so far from our carriage though, and there were so many passengers on the decks, that I could not be sure. I stood still, only jumping slightly when the ship let off her whistle to announce her departure.
I knew others were walking past me, other carriages and autos going past, but I stayed until the ship disappeared from sight.
Until I was alone.
