Chapter 4

While Emma was in the shower, Regina made breakfast for both of them, but she put it on a tray and carried it into the living room instead of setting the table in the kitchen.

"Toast with fried eggs and ham? You've really outdone yourself," Emma noted as she followed the aroma and eyed the dishes.

"Don't forget the freshly ground coffee," it came from Regina, who was looking a little better again after washing her face and combing her hair. Since she had no plans to go to work today, however, she had only put on very subtle makeup.

Emma pursed her lips apologetically. "Sorry, my jog went a little differently today, hence the lack of coffee."

"There's nothing to apologize for, Emma. At most, the fact that you went jogging. It's cold and you're not feeling well after all," she immediately countered.

Emma rolled her eyes as the conversation had already tipped in that direction before they had even gotten to sit down. "I'm fine."

Doubtingly, Regina looked at her.

"Look at it this way: until yesterday, you had no idea. And if I would have still been tired or a little dizzy in the morning, would you have told me not to go jogging, too?" She didn't expect an answer, so after only a brief pause, she spoke right on. "You wouldn't have. Nothing has changed since yesterday."

"Everything has changed!" Regina dropped down on the sofa and Emma did the same. "You need to take better care of yourself and not make it worse!"

Emma couldn't help it, she had to laugh out loud for a moment. "Make it worse by jogging? Regina, just about every one of my blood cells has degenerated and is slowly killing me, and they certainly aren't doing that because I've been running too much in the fresh air."

"How bad is it?", Regina wanted to know quietly, fiddling with the cord that was pulled through the hood of her sweater.

"I can reassure you, it's not even that bad," Emma's immediate response came, relieved that she at least had good news in that regard. "Heart says there's about a 75 percent chance I'll be fine."

Regina raised her head and looked at her incredulously. "And that's supposed to reassure me? 75 percent? That means one in four people will die from it, Emma!"

"But it sounds better than ten percent, doesn't it?"

Regina's expression didn't change, but she shook her head. "You really don't care that much?"

"I do care. And when I think about what I'm putting you and Henry through with this, I get scared as shit. But I have to deal with it this way because if I don't, it's going to drive me out of my mind. And that's why I'm going to keep going jogging, because that's the normalcy I need right now. My everyday life, not this... this look, Regina!" She gestured to her girlfriend's face, who continued to stare at her in a mixture of disbelief, fear, and apprehension.

Regina looked down at the floor and knotted her hands in her lap.

"I don't want to push you away, and I understand that you're worried. But I'm not a different person suddenly. No one has ever cared much about me before, so this is new to me. And sometimes that crushes me." She moved closer to Regina and snuggled against her.

Her body was tense and only very slowly released itself from that rigidity so that she could put her arm around Emma. "You may die," Regina murmured, staring ahead of her.

Emma nodded.

"What are we going to do about it?" she wanted to know.

"I have to go to the hospital again tomorrow for final examinations. We'll discuss the exact treatment plan there. But Heart has already told me that I'll have to stay in the hospital for a few days when I get the first chemo."

"Can I come with you to the appointment tomorrow?" Regina wanted to know, looking Emma in the eye.

She nodded and shrugged one shoulder noncommittally. "Sure. If that's what you want." Secretly, she was glad not to have to be alone. Actually, she already knew everything there was to know about the disease and its treatments, but you could never be sure if worse news hadn't presented itself and further reduced her chances of survival. "For now, let's eat something. You made such a super breakfast. And I'm hungry." With that, she speared a piece of the scrambled eggs and ham onto her fork and popped it into her mouth with a smile.

Regina didn't look like she had much of an appetite, but for Emma's sake, she began to eat, too. She couldn't let herself be like that. If Emma managed to keep the food down, it had to be a little something for her.

"Won't they miss you at City Hall?" Emma inquired after chewing for a while.

"They'll live through it. Said street has been given the option of using another phone company as compensation for now, and I can take care of the complaints later. Nothing else matters for now."

Emma raised an eyebrow and eyed her. "What about the town festival? I mean, it's in just under two weeks, that's not very much time until then."

"Do you really think I care about that awful town festival now, where everyone acts like they're thickest friends, while the other days of the year they're bitching at each other and hacking each other's phone lines?"

Although Regina was serious in her words, Emma couldn't hold back her laughter. "You're so cute when you're upset," she grinned, leaning in and kissing her on the frown line on her forehead that had dug in there before her lips moved lower and to her mouth.

Regina returned the kiss and then let the pent-up air escape in a burst. Immediately she was more relaxed again and leaned her forehead against Emma's. "You are so good for me," she whispered, closing her eyes.

"And you for me," Emma nodded cautiously, interlacing her fingers with her girlfriend's. "Your food, too," she then smirked, considering that Regina could make a feast out of even simple eggs, while she herself managed to burn water.

"I don't know how you've survived so far," Regina agreed with her, playing serious.

Emma smiled, then glanced at the clock.

"Do you have somewhere to be?" Regina immediately inquired, who had not failed to notice.

"I have a late shift."

"You're going to work?"

Astonished, Emma tilted her head and eyed Regina. "Yes?! Why not?"

"Well, I just thought... I'm home and kind of your boss?!" she suggested.

Emma grinned. "Nice try, Regina. What should I tell my dad?"

"Maybe the truth would be just fine?" Regina suggested, gathering the used dishes from the table and carrying them back to the kitchen.

"No way! He'd tell Mom right away, and you know what would happen then!"

Regina paused with the tray in the doorway and turned to face her. "You're not going to tell them at all?"

"Not until it can no longer be avoided or they ask about it."

"But Emma," she began doubtfully. "They're your parents!"

Emma laughed, got up, and carried the pan after Regina, which didn't fit on the tray. "Exactly! They'd worry themselves to death. I didn't think you, of all people, would push me to do this. In the end, Snow blames you for my condition and claims you poisoned me."

Regina rolled her eyes and continued on her way to the kitchen.

Emma followed her and leaned next to her against the kitchen counter after she set the pan down and Regina ran water into the sink to do the dishes. "Not funny yet?"

"Obviously not," she muttered, sinking her hands into the foam.

"Oh, come on now. Don't take everything so seriously."

"It's bloody serious, though!"

Emma was just waiting for one of the juice glasses to crack, as vigorously as Regina worked them with the sponge. "Yeah, it probably is. But like I said, I want as much normalcy as possible, and that includes me going to work, my mom not sitting on our sofa crying, and me drying the dishes you washed," she explained, grabbing the white dish towel with red and green apples printed on the edge that Henry had given Regina for her last birthday.

"I can do that later," Regina countered, earning only a shake of the head from Emma.

"Normality. Trust me, in two weeks or so you'll be able to do the dishes all by yourself. Dr. Heart is an absolute ray of sunshine and has painted me in the most dazzling colors about how I'll be then." Less than enthusiastically, she ran the towel through the glasses and then placed them in the hanging cabinet diagonally above the stove.

Regina paused, and Emma couldn't help but notice how she had become more and more outwardly conformed to her girlfriend during the year of their relationship. Whereas at first Regina had always walked around perfectly dressed and made up both in town and on the sofa at home, now she stood in front of her in the sweatshirt Emma suddenly recognized as her own, sleeves rolled up, while she had put on just a little mascara and pulled her hair back into a loose ponytail that was about to come undone. "I think it would be better if I stayed home with you when it comes to this point."

Bang, Emma was back to reality, which seemed to punch her brutally in the stomach. "Out of the question! I don't need a nanny."

"You just said..."

"...That I'm not going to be okay. Not that I need to be taken care of 24/7." Emma was not at all comfortable with the silence that was spreading. For all she knew, she couldn't be remotely sure with that statement. "Let's just... we'll see when the time comes, won't we?"

Regina nodded hesitantly and continued washing up, wiping down the countertops while Emma dried off the last bits, then snuggled up to her.

"It's good to have you back," it came softly but sincerely from Emma. With a quick movement, she removed the braid completely from Regina's hair and then let the dark strands slip through her fingers. The pleasantly fruity, slightly tart smell of her apple shampoo wafted up her nose as she did so, making her smile. "You smell good enough to take a bite."

Regina grinned at that statement. "Wouldn't be the first time," she whispered, grinning even wider as a slight blush rose to Emma's face. After a brief inviting nod in the direction of the living room, she pulled her by the hand back with her into the adjoining room, and already a moment later they were both sitting on the couch, tightly embraced and each dressed only in sweatpants and bra, Regina on Emma's lap.

The two exchanged passionate kisses with each other and Emma's hair was already just a wild disaster after Regina buried her hands in it and pressed her head closer to hers this way. "Henry's not coming any earlier today though, is he?" a slight gasp came from Emma between two kisses.

Regina smirked, shook her head, and in the very next moment pressed her lips back onto Emma's slightly open mouth before trailing a trail of kisses to her left ear and then further down her neck.

A slight moan escaped Emma and she closed her eyes as Regina's teeth scraped across the thin, sensitive skin that lined her carotid artery. Her lips formed a smile and she arched her back as goosebumps shot down her entire spine. She felt one last kiss on her shoulder blade, then Regina's weight disappeared from her lap. For a few more seconds, Emma kept her eyes closed, but when her girlfriend didn't return, she opened them and looked around in wonder.

Regina was sitting bolt upright, eyes wide, in the armchair across from the couch, pressing her sweater to her chest.

Emma had done a great job with her hair, too, except that she didn't find the sight sexy at the moment, but was worriedly wondering what was going on. "Regina?" Emma straightened up as well and slid to the edge of the sofa. "What's wrong?"

Regina was silent at first, then ran a hand through her hair to smooth it down slightly. "Emma...your back!" she stammered in horror.

"What's wrong with it?" she wanted to know, and tried to glance over her own shoulder, nearly wrenching her neck so that she gave up. "Regina, what is it?"

"Your back is covered in bruises!"

'Damn,' it flashed through Emma's mind. "I told you, I was playing soccer with Henry. So what, they're just bruises!"

"They're fingerprints, Emma!"

The blonde had already half-opened her mouth to shut Regina's argument down again, but she closed it again. She didn't know what she should have said in response.

Tears came to Regina's eyes. "Emma, I did this!"

As Emma stood up and walked toward her, Regina backed further into her armchair, causing her to stop halfway. "I mean, it's not that bad. It doesn't hurt or anything."

"It's very bad!"

Emma took a deep breath and tried to remember when this could have happened. The night before last. Henry had been with friends. "Regina...you didn't hurt me. I grabbed you at least as hard and I didn't get the impression you were in pain, were you?" she tried another way.

"My back doesn't look like I was raped, though!" she almost screamed, her eyes appearing almost black through the haze of tears.

"I've been getting bruises from any simple touch for a while now, Regina. My blood coagulation is a disaster, remember? It's not your fault!" Emma saw her friend's heavy, quick breaths and didn't care that she flinched again, however, as she took the last few steps that had separated them up to that point. Emma slipped on her sweater to hide the sight that had so disturbed Regina and then pulled her sweater over Regina's head as well.

Without any resistance, she just let her do it. Even when Emma squeezed into the armchair next to her, where they could both just about fit, she continued to stare ahead and hyperventilated.

"Regina... You're having a panic attack. Look at me and slow down your breaths!"

But Regina didn't seem to hear her at all; on the contrary, if anything, her breaths sped up.

Flustered, Emma looked around the room. She was bad, so incredibly bad at this sort of thing. She had no idea about treating wounds, nor how to calm a person whose mind was playing tricks on her. Medical facts were as foreign to her as operating software is to other people. Emma was simply not made for that; she was a woman of action. So she did the only thing she could think of at that moment, knelt in front of Regina in her field of vision and shook her by the shoulders. "Regina! I'm here, I'm fine, it's time to slow down and breathe again!" she almost shouted. When that didn't do anything either, she wrapped her arms around her girlfriend and breathed emphatically slowly, allowing her to adjust to her rhythm. One moment it seemed to work, but the very next everything was the same as before. "Regina, you have to help me, damn it! I can't do this!"

Regina stared ahead of her as if trapped in a tunnel and, wrapping her arms around herself, slowly rocked back and forth. Tears still stood in her eyes, but she did not cry.

Scouring her brain for a solution, Emma ran into the kitchen and looked around. And when her eyes fell on the baker's bags still on the counter, she finally remembered. This was how they always did it on TV. Undaunted, she grabbed one of the paper bags, dumped its contents on the counter, climbed over the back of the armchair in the living room so she could sit behind Regina, and held it over her mouth and nose. "Breathe in there. It's okay, you'll be all right in a minute," she whispered, stroking her back with her free hand. Slowly, much too slowly for Emma's taste, Regina's breaths calmed and a huge boulder fell from her heart. "That's it, take it easy," she whispered, leaning the side of her head against hers.

At some point, it could have been seconds, minutes or hours, Regina shakily grabbed Emma's wrist, gently pulling the hand that held the bag away from her face. "I'm sorry," she whispered, sinking exhausted into Emma's strong arms, which immediately held her gently and securely.

"It's okay. You just gave me a good scare," Emma reassured her. "What the hell was going on?"

Regina remained silent and stared ahead. Finally, she closed her eyes. "The bruises, Emma."

"I swear they don't hurt and it's not your fault."

"Now just be quiet for a minute, I'm trying to tell you something!" she retorted sharply, and then was silent again for a while. "Do you know what a queen's main duty is?"

Emma could have guessed, but she thought it better to keep her mouth shut and wait to see what Regina wanted to tell her.

"Not to rule. Not to direct the people. That's what the king is for. The queen is only there to look pretty on the king's arm and provide the necessary heir to the throne. You should have noticed that I did not have a child. That was not because the king did not think it necessary to have an heir to the throne. Don't get me wrong. Leopold, he was not a tyrant. But the frustration of not getting pregnant pushed him to his limits, too. I didn't sleep with him willingly from the beginning, but as the years passed, he grew more impatient and took out his anger at the fact that he still hadn't conceived a child on me. As time passed, the simple dislike I felt for him had turned into downright disgust, and he naturally sensed this, so he no longer treated me with care. He demanded more and more often his right as my husband and if I was not willing, also by force. I had..." She interrupted herself and choked down a large lump in her throat.

Emma felt nauseous just imagining what she was about to say, but she continued to be silent and just held her.

"I kept getting hurt and his handprints on my back wouldn't go away at all. Whenever they were finally about to fade, he would grab me the next time and forcefully push me into the pillows. It was so humiliating and my hatred grew more each time. And now... The idea that I could have treated you the same way, that you had to feel what I felt..."

"Regina." Emma couldn't hold it in any longer, now she had to speak. "You don't really think I've ever felt forced by you to do anything, do you?"

Immediately she shook her head and looked Emma in the eye. "Of course you didn't. But when I saw the fingerprints on your back... My fingerprints! That triggered something in me, that memory, and I got caught up in it, thinking I was going to suffocate."

Emma nodded and continued to hold her as if both of their lives depended on it. "I don't feel as good anywhere as I do around you. I wish you didn't have to experience this." Her voice was merely a whisper.

"It shouldn't matter anymore. It's in the past. You're my partner now, and I've never felt so comfortable with anyone. And now I might lose you." She shook her head before snuggling further into Emma's arms.

"That's right, you might be losing me. It doesn't have to happen. Tomorrow we'll go to that appointment at Heart's and kick cancer's ass, okay?"

"I wish I was a little more like you," Regina admitted softly.

"What, blonde? Dark suits you better, trust me!"

Regina looked up at her and managed to smile for a split second.