Chapter 10
"Did it really have to be this far? Couldn't we have gone for a simple walk in the woods like other people?" Regina asked, panting, while her breath rose as white clouds in front of her.
Emma stopped and turned to her with a grin. "You're not going to go limp now, are you?"
Regina's eyes sparkled angrily before she quickened her pace and overtook Emma.
Grinning mischievously, Henry caught up with Emma, who put her arm around him. "You really know how to draw her out," he whispered to her, pressing up against her briefly before they continued walking side by side up the path that led up one of the mountains surrounding Storybrooke.
Emma shrugged her shoulders. "Ram it home to her that she's about to fail always works."
"Why did you want to get up here so badly?" Henry inquired. Because his adoptive mother was right about one thing: the permanent climb made it a strenuous march, and the frost that coated everything from the night and made it slippery didn't make it any easier. A walk in the woods would have brought them just as much fresh air.
"Have you been up here before, Henry?" she asked him.
Her son shook his head, dodging a root that ran across the path.
"Then you'll understand once we get up there. The view is magnificent, you feel like you're in the purest place on earth. Everything is quiet, all you can hear are the forest sounds and your own breath and heartbeat," she explained. "I wanted to experience that once again."
Henry stopped and reached for Emma's hand to get her to stop, too. Seriously, he looked into her eyes. "I feel like ever since you told us...all your optimism is gone."
Emma returned his gaze and took him in her arms. "You're getting this wrong, Henry. I'm just being realistic and it's a fact that I'm going to be shitty starting tomorrow. So no matter how it ends up, I'm not coming back up here for a very long time. And I wanted to be able to relive that and remember that beautiful day. Us, up here, as a family."
Henry nodded and held her close for a while. Finally, he raised his head and nodded to a point in the distance that was Regina. "We'd better keep moving, or she'll be making her descent before we get to the top."
"Good point, kid. Let's go then." Hand in hand, the two continued on their way again.
As the sun rose higher, the temperatures also became more comfortable and the cold air no longer stung the lungs of the three so unpleasantly. Nevertheless, it also became increasingly strenuous for Emma as the last stretch became steeper and steeper.
Henry noticed her gasping breaths beside him and slowed down. "You okay, Ma?"
Emma nodded and took an effortful deep breath. "It's just steeper than I remember. I'm fine."
Without another word, Henry put his arm around her waist and, pressing lightly against her back, helped her keep going, minimizing the force she needed to do so.
"Thanks, kid," it came softly from Emma, leaning against her son. At first she had wanted to protest, but when she realized he was just trying to help her and not immediately called Regina and made her pause, she quickly changed her mind.
"It's not far now, is it?", Henry wanted to know when the steepest part was behind them and the forest cleared a bit.
"Right. Just over the hilly meadow, then we'll have reached the highest point," Emma nodded breathlessly, forcing herself to focus on Regina, who was still walking a good twenty meters ahead of them.
Henry seemed to notice her glance. "Your teasing seems to have scratched her honor quite a bit; she didn't turn around once."
"All the better, or she probably would have called an ambulance helicopter by now," she quipped, realizing that she really had about reached her limit. Breathing heavily, she stopped and propped her hands on her shaking knees.
"Emma?" Henry's grip on her had loosened briefly when she had suddenly stopped, but now he was immediately back to holding her.
"Henry, go with Regina all the way up, okay? I'll wait for you here."
Puzzled, he shook his head. "We're not leaving you here alone!"
"I'm fine, I just need a break before we go back down. Go without me, I'd just be a drag on you," she said, dropping into the dew-damp grass.
"Then we'll just go this far, that's fine. I'll get Mom back." He started to walk off, but Emma held him by the sleeve.
"I want you guys to see it. You're almost up there, it might take you another ten minutes without me. I'll wait here." Firmly, almost pleadingly, she looked him in the eye.
Henry hesitated. "Even if I agree, Mom will never leave you here."
"Henry, that's exactly what I meant, you know. Ignorance is sometimes bliss. If I was just out of breath, you guys would laugh at me and tease me about being out of shape so I'd keep running. But this way, at any moment, you guys are expecting me to pass out or vomit blood or whatever. Go with your mom. Please." She held her son's hands and just looked at him from the ground. He had grown up so much, but the decisions she was asking him to make were still too much for him.
"This has nothing to do with me being afraid for you. It's a family trip and we're either all going or none of us are. Mom!"
Emma sighed when he finally did decide to call Regina, who immediately turned around in response. Emma was not surprised to see her hurry back when she saw her sitting on the floor.
"Emma, what happened?" she wanted to know in a panic, taking her face in her cold hands.
Gently, Emma placed a hand over her girlfriend's and leaned her head into the tender touch. "There's nothing wrong. I just need a break," she explained honestly.
"She wanted us to go all the way to the top without her," Henry commented.
"Out of the question. Either we go together or no one goes."
"Wow, did you guys collude?" Emma asked incredulously, scrambling back to her feet as the wetness of the grass slowly soaked through her pants, gratefully grasping Regina's helping hand as she did so.
"You don't have to coordinate for that, it's a matter of course!" Regina retorted, putting her arm around her as she sensed Emma's footing was still shaky. "Do you want us to go back? It's your decision."
Emma heard from her tone how much of an overcoming those words must have been. Had it been up to her, of course, they would have turned back immediately, or she really would have alerted the emergency services. So she credited her very much for letting her decide for herself. "I would very much like you to enjoy the view. Maybe we can take another short break?! After that, I'm sure I'll be fine if you help me." She felt her stomach tighten at those words, but after Regina made an effort and concessions, she had to do so too.
Henry, at these words, was already spreading out his picnic blanket, which was foiled from underneath to provide a dry place to sit.
"Thanks, kid," it came again from Emma as she settled down, drawing her knees up to her body and resting her head on them. Regina and Henry took seats on either side of her and leaned against her. "Thanks for doing this with me," she whispered after a while. "I know you guys weren't exactly born to hike."
"Who was hanging behind all this time?" it came from Regina, grinning at her from the side.
Emma smiled and leaned in for a kiss. "Henry slowed me down," she grinned.
"Hey!" came the playfully indignant response from the other side, before Henry rested his head on Emma's shoulder.
Emma relaxed more at that moment than she had in a long time. Her everyday life had become a hurdle race of tension, exhaustion, and uncertainty, and she wouldn't have thought it possible that she would feel better if she put all that on her loved ones as well. But she was proved wrong and now understood that she had caused them much more grief by not telling them the truth and thus they could not understand her changed behavior.
After everyone had had a few more sips of water, they finally moved on.
The break had done Emma good; nevertheless, her son and her girlfriend insisted on supporting her from both sides to spare her any unnecessary effort. Her brief protest faded unheard and so she complied, letting them put their arms around her. If she was honest, there were certainly worse things than being so close to her family.
"How many times have you been up here?" Regina inquired after a while.
Emma shrugged her shoulders. "I don't keep records. But two or three times a month for a year, for sure. It's a good place to clear your head up, and you're not bothered by people on the street trying to talk to you, like when you're jogging."
"You could have broken your legs in these root traps and I wouldn't even have known where you were!" Regina indignantly looked at her.
Emma had to laugh. "Do you actually always expect the worst?"
"Always," Henry answered in Regina's place, catching a tender slap on the back of the head from his mother.
"I've been disappointed and rejected too many times for it to be any other way," Regina finally replied quietly.
"We'll have to keep working on that," Emma nodded firmly. "After all, life is only half as much fun that way."
Regina gave a short mirthless laugh and held Emma all the tighter for a moment. She was talking about life being fun and fighting for it at the same time. Actually, it was just another confirmation that nothing good happened to Regina in her life. Involuntarily, the thought gnawed at her that she had put Emma in this position in the first place simply because of the fact that she was her girlfriend.
"What are you thinking about?" it came promptly from the blonde, who sensed that Regina was thinking hard about something.
"Nothing at all."
"As if."
Regina sighed and lowered her gaze to the path in front of her feet, buying time while avoiding the tripping hazards. She had no intention of sharing her black thoughts with Emma and her son. They didn't understand her pessimistic attitude, at that it was simply a protective mechanism of hers. "I was just thinking that I'm glad to have you both. Even if I'd rather have our sofa in the warm living room. But of course, since you know your way around, I believe you that we're about to reach our goal."
Emma nodded; she knew she had been thinking of something else, but didn't want to push her to say it. "Just around the bend and we'll see Storybrooke." By now, thankfully, the climb was no longer uphill and Emma's leg muscles were no longer screaming from the lack of oxygen.
As the three of them stepped up to the railing that separated them from the sheer rock face that sloped downward in front of them, they fell reverently silent. From up here, there was no doubt that the town, with its houses that seemed tiny from a distance, was magical.
Emma listened to the cracking sounds of the surrounding trees, the singing of birds, the scurrying footsteps of smaller rodents in the undergrowth, and her heartbeat slowly going back to a normal pace. What she would have liked most was never to leave this place again. She felt as if time stood still up here and simply forgot about her. But she knew it didn't work that way, so she closed her eyes and made an effort to empty her mind of all thoughts and enjoy the moment.
"It's beautiful," Regina whispered after a while, moving closer to her girlfriend as she intertwined her fingers with hers.
"So I didn't promise too much then?" Emma opened her eyes again and looked at their entwined hands before her gaze lingered on Regina's face.
She shook her head, then leaned it against Emma's shoulder.
"I can't believe I grew up here and didn't know about all this all this time!" it finally came from Henry, who had taken in the sight in awe before his mothers had started talking.
"Well, I guess that's my fault then," Regina said apologetically, who was fully aware that while she had loved Henry like a natural son for the first ten years of his life, she had been far too busy and distracted by her revenge fantasies on the side.
Henry sensed his mother's change in mood and stepped to her other side so that Regina was now flanked by him and Emma. "You did other things with me when I was younger," he said.
"I was way too busy with myself."
"Everyone is too busy with themselves sometimes. I didn't make it easy for you either when I brought Emma here. I was too young to understand that you always had my best interests at heart, no matter what your motives were for bringing everyone to Storybrooke. You always loved me; I know that now."
A tear slipped out from the corner of Regina's eye before she wiped it away violently. "Thank you, Henry," it came softly from her before she pulled her son close to her, noting once again how tall he had grown.
"We've all been out of line, especially me," it came from Emma, seeking Regina's gaze. "I forced myself into your lives and threatened to take Henry away from you. I had no right to do that, and I'm sorry."
"You were afraid for your son." Understanding, Regina looked at her.
But Emma shook her head. "He was your son. I judged you without really knowing you. Sure, you gave me reason to worry, but you were just scared and wanted to protect the most precious thing you had. Henry."
Regina knew nothing more to say in response, so she turned her gaze back into the distance. It was true, they had almost torn each other apart when they first met. So much had changed since then, and she couldn't imagine her life without Emma. How often had she grumbled about her things being all over the house and forgetting to do the dishes or take out the trash. At moments, it felt like she now had two teenagers living in her house. But that's who Emma was, and she loved her for it, and she didn't want to imagine that would be over anytime soon. She didn't realize she had let out a strangled gasp until Emma put a hand on her back, concerned.
"Regina?" Her green eyes tried to make eye contact, but Regina refused it.
"I'm going to make us a little comfortable," it came from Henry, who wanted to give the two of them some space and began stocking the picnic tables at the far end of the clearing with blankets and unpacking the provisions.
Emma continued to look at her girlfriend without breaking the touch. "What's wrong?" Her heart ached as she saw her squirming inside.
"I'm so scared for you. I don't want this to end. That we end. I don't know how to go on then," she finally blurted out once Henry was out of earshot. "I finally felt alive, I finally felt anything at all again that had nothing to do with anger or a thirst for revenge."
"No one talks about anything ending," Emma said softly, pressing a kiss to her forehead.
"But you don't know better than I do. I feel so weak. You must be so incredibly scared, and I'm paralyzed by the thought that you're gone. I'm so selfish."
"Regina, you're not weak or selfish. We're going to get through this, okay? I've had enough time to get used to the fact that things are going to be different now. You, on the other hand, haven't had that yet, and I'm asking you to always tell me how you feel. You mustn't keep it inside to spare me, you hear? That was always the basic evil in your life, you had no one to confide in and share your pain with. That's over now, you have me now."
Finally, as she lowered her head against Emma's chest and they wrapped their arms around each other, Regina could do nothing to stop her tears, which were now streaming incessantly down her cheeks. Emma was right, and at that moment she also didn't know how she had been able to walk so upright through the days after spending only that one tearful, sleepless night with Zelena. "I can't think of anything but the next few days. I don't sleep anymore, I can hardly get a bite down. What's it going to be like when you're not home?"
Reassuringly, Emma's hands ran over her friend's back. "You have Henry, after all. And you can come visit me. I'm not out of the world, I'm in Storybrooke. You can call me if you feel like you're falling apart."
"Yeah, right," she snapped in frustration. "You're the one who's seriously ill and you want to listen to me whine?!" She shook her head and ran her hands over her cheeks.
"This isn't just about me. Just because you're fine physically doesn't mean it's the same mentally." Gently, Emma's hands stroked Regina's back. "I want you to talk to me whenever you're not feeling well. And even when you're fine." She smiled and leaned her forehead against Regina's. "Neither of us is going to back down just because we think we're better off than the other, understand?" Regina continued to hesitate, so Emma asked again, "Do you understand?"
Finally, she nodded slowly and took a deep breath to get her tears back under control. "We shouldn't keep Henry waiting any longer," she reasoned, blowing her nose.
Emma waited for her and then walked arm in arm with her over to the picnic tables, where everything had already been set up by Henry.
The boy eyed both his mothers before his worried gaze lingered on Regina, who kept her eyes on the floor and seemed to be clinging to Emma. Also, of course, it didn't escape his notice that she had been crying.
"Thanks for preparing, kid, I'm starving!" it came from Emma, who pulled Regina with her and pushed her down on the bench next to her. Making no move to take anything, Emma divided the potato salad Regina had prepared among three plates and placed one in front of each of them. "And thank you for going to the trouble and putting yourself in the kitchen," she said to her girlfriend, who again nodded only briefly.
"Is there anything you're not telling me?" it finally came from Henry, completely out of the blue.
The two women raised their heads and looked questioningly at their son.
"You're acting like you've been given your death sentence," he turned to Emma. "You'll tell me anything, won't you? Are you much worse off than you said you were and no one can help you?" His voice trembled, even though it was clear he wanted to stay strong.
"No, Henry, I've told you everything there is to say. And I won't sugarcoat or keep anything from you in the future, I firmly promise." She reached across the table for his hand and squeezed it.
Henry's gaze slid over to Regina again. "Then what's going on?"
"Just give me a few minutes, all right?" Regina asked of her son, shifting uncomfortably in her seat. She didn't stop until she felt Emma's hand on her thigh, giving her reassurance.
"Let's just eat for now," Emma asked, looking pleadingly at Henry.
He took a deep breath and finally nodded slowly. "All right. Bon appetit."
The meal passed mostly in silence and Regina reluctantly forced each bite into her mouth, but Emma's gentle touches helped her calm down at least a little.
They stayed and enjoyed the silence until the sun had passed its highest point before heading back. Even though the long break had done Emma good, this time the three of them stayed together the entire way.
When they reached the town border, Emma took a deep breath for a moment; reality flooded back at her with unrelenting brutality, hitting her mind. She had been right: while she had been enjoying nature with her loved ones far from civilization, it had truly been as if time had held its breath for a while.
