Chapter 11
"I can carry my bag myself after all!"
"It's a mystery to me what you packed in there anyway!"
Pouting, Emma walked beside her friend, who was nearly dragged to the ground by the weight of her hospital bag. "Books...among other things."
"I didn't think you'd want to move into the hospital!" Regina groaned, but looked concerned at Emma as she barely noticeable flinched. "Sorry, you know I didn't mean it that way."
Emma nodded. "Yeah, right." She'd barely gotten a wink of sleep that night. If she did doze off for a moment and was about to fall deeper asleep, Regina had again turned restlessly and she had been awake again. Now and then they had talked quietly, knowing full well that the other was sleeping just as little, but most of the time they just lay silently next to each other, holding each other in their arms.
"Are you sure you don't want me to stay? I'm not going to City Hall today anyway," Regina tried again.
But Emma nodded, as she had the other times. "Absolutely sure. It's going to take time for them to poke me all over, and you're not going to spend that time waiting on some uncomfortable chair."
Regina sighed and put her arm around Emma's waist as they passed the front door. "Your phone is charged, though?" she verified, also not for the first time.
Emma stopped and motioned Regina to do likewise. Gently, she held her by the upper arms and looked into her eyes. "Everything is in order. Everything is packed and prepared and if not, you will surely bring it to me, am I right?"
Regina took a deep breath, closed her eyes for a moment and then returned her gaze, nodding.
"Fine, Henry will come straight home after school so you won't be alone for so long."
Sullenly, Regina tilted her head and pressed her lips together into an unhappy, thin line. "Our son is coming home quickly so I won't be alone for so long? You do notice how that sounds, don't you?"
"You suffer from not knowing how I'm doing every second, I know that," Emma countered, continuing on her way to the ward she was supposed to contact. "So it's a comfort to me to know that at least you're not all alone, tigering from window to window."
Silently Regina walked beside her; of course Emma was right in what she said, but to hear and admit to herself that she was so mentally unstable did not exactly please her.
"We have to go to the second floor," it finally came from the blonde, after she had orientated herself by the signage next to the elevators. Actually, she could have sent Regina home now, but since it would reassure her more to know that Emma had arrived safely in a room and had been assigned a bed, she didn't even suggest it.
When the elevator stopped and they got off, it wasn't particularly hard to find the letter E anymore, since it was hugely plastered all over the glass door that separated the hallway from the ward. "Here it is, Ward E," Emma said to herself, pushing the door open.
Regina's feet felt leaden as she followed her friend with her bag in hand, waiting at the nurses' station for someone to find time for her.
"Good morning, Ms. Swan. I'm Nurse Maureen," a 50ish nurse greeted Emma with a smile before greeting Regina as well.
Emma nodded in affirmation. "Hi. Whether the morning will be good remains to be seen, I guess."
"You should definitely keep that kind of humor!" she laughed and left the nurse's office. "Well, come along with me and I'll show you to your room, and then you can wait there for Dr. Heart."
The two women followed the nurse and shortly thereafter were back in the hospital room among themselves.
Emma wondered if she had gotten the single room because her friend was the dreaded mayor, or if there were mostly single rooms here.
"Do you want me to put your stuff in the closet?", Regina wanted to know, snapping Emma out of her thoughts.
"Just leave it in the bag, thanks."
"I'm sure it's easier for the nurses not to have to go through your entire travel bag when they need to give you something," Regina pointed out, raising an eyebrow. Of course, she was used to Emma leaving her things lying all over the place at home, too, and bags after outings generally sat around packed until Regina took pity on them and salvaged the moldy provisions from them, but she had assumed that Emma would at least keep some order here to make things a little easier.
She sighed and slumped backward on the bed. "Just do what you think is right. I trust you completely on that," she replied, closing her eyes. They had had to get up early and although they had already been awake, Emma was already feeling the lack of sleep from the previous night. It wasn't long before she felt the mattress next to her dent slightly. Tiredly, she opened one eye and met Regina's gaze, who had taken a seat next to her.
"I can unpack later," it came softly from Regina, who wanted to make the most of the time they were still alone. Gently, she stroked Emma's hair and pressed a kiss to her forehead.
Emma enjoyed the moment and closed both eyes tightly again when she felt Regina's warm lips touch her skin. "Can I keep you here?" she murmured.
"You didn't want me to, I suggested it often enough," Regina murmured, eyeing her exhausted girlfriend.
"For good reason," Emma nodded, opened her eyes again and sat up. Tenderly, she put her hand to Regina's jaw and kissed her.
The latter returned the kiss, her hands clasped in Emma's neck. If they hadn't been sitting in a patient room in the hospital on a bed whose headboard could be electrically adjusted, it could have been a wonderful moment, but Regina opened her eyes again after a short time and looked sadly at Emma.
"It's only ten days, I'm sure they'll fly by, you'll see," Emma whispered, playing with Regina's hair between her fingertips. "You have Henry and when I feel well enough you can come and visit me. I'm not the first with this disease, it's going to be okay."
"Do you actually believe yourself what you're saying?", Regina wanted to know quietly.
Emma grinned and looked into her expressive dark eyes. "It's time for you to go," she finally whispered, pausing just inches from her face.
"I could still..."
But Emma interrupted her, putting an index finger to her lips and shaking her head. "I want us to keep private and treatment separate, as much as we can. Go home and get some sleep, you pretty much didn't sleep a wink last night either," she reminded her. "I'll get back to you as soon as I can if there's news," she promised. She struggled to keep her composure and be strong for them both. Because, of course, she was aware that this would be the last occasion she felt normal while with Regina. Everything that followed from now on would be overshadowed by the effects of the chemotherapy.
Regina nodded hesitantly and leaned her forehead against Emma's. "I'll be with you in my thoughts," she whispered, convulsively holding back tears. "I love you, Emma."
Emma just nodded gently and held her gaze. She never said 'I love you' lightly, but at that moment she probably would have if she hadn't been sure that opening her mouth would make her cry.
With a heavy heart, Regina rose from the edge of the bed and squeezed Emma's hand. Dutiful as she was, she unpacked her travel bag before taking her purse and hastily leaving the room.
Emma was heartbroken to know that she would completely fall apart as soon as she was alone and let herself sink back into the pillows. She still held out hope that maybe all of this would affect her less than they expected and thus Regina would no longer have a reason to be so worried. But she also knew that this was mainly wishful thinking.
A short time later, a hasty knock and the subsequent immediate opening of the door caused Emma to snap back into a sitting position. Dr. Heart walked in, Emma's chart under her arm and a busy expression on her face. "Good morning, Ms. Swan."
"Good morning." On the one hand, she didn't know what to make of the doctor's stressed appearance, but on the other hand, in a way, it made her feel less excited herself.
"So, let's tackle it today. Did you bring all your signed consent forms?"
Emma nodded and pulled the folder in which she had stored the considerable stack of papers out of her backpack. While she had simply been annoyed by all the paperwork, Regina had almost seemed to enjoy going through all the documents with her. There was just no doubt that Regina worked from behind a desk, while she herself preferred to be physically active.
"Very well, then the first thing we'll do today is to start placing your venous catheter. Have any ambiguities arisen in this regard?" the doctor inquired of Emma as she flipped through the papers to make sure Emma's signature was properly on all of them.
"You poke a hole between my ribs, slide the tube in there and pull it along under my skin into one of my veins near my collarbone. I know that much and I don't want to know any more specific than that," she replied, gritting her teeth to keep from letting on that the idea made her more than a little uncomfortable. "It would be nice if we could just get it over with," she therefore asked.
Heart nodded and placed the consent forms in Emma's chart. "The whole thing happens under local anesthesia, and you can get sedation, too. You really don't have to be afraid."
It was only at that moment that Emma noticed how calm and relaxed the doctor suddenly was. Emma had initially wondered about the bustle and her aloofness when she entered the room, as she had known her quite differently, but clearly her patients were close to her heart and she took whatever time was necessary, however long it took, once the room door had closed behind her. "Okay, then please let's just get started anyway, because the longer I think about it, the more queasy I feel."
"Of course. A nurse will be with you shortly to get you ready, and then we'll start in about half an hour." Heart rose from the swivel stool where she had been seated, tossing her dark hair back in a way that reminded Emma far too much of Regina.
Her expression turned wistful, but at least she was thinking of her girlfriend rather than what lay ahead.
Emma barely registered that the nurse was placing an IV in her forearm and drawing blood again. She was too lost in thought and by now was used to having sharp needles stuck into her. She only noticed that she had drifted off in her mind when her subconscious noticed that Nurse Maureen was no longer talking to her. When she looked to her, she met her questioning gaze. "Sorry, was in thought. What was that?"
Maureen smiled understandingly and simply repeated her question patiently. "Have you ever been in the hospital for an extended period of time?"
Emma found the question odd, but shook her head. "When I've been in, I've been out just as quickly. And I don't plan on stretching it out this time either," she countered.
"I can imagine. Let's hope everything goes smoothly," she nodded. "You're really in the best hands with Dr. Heart. And the procedure won't take long either, you'll hardly feel a thing."
Emma unclenched her fist as Maureen removed the tourniquet from her arm and had to laugh. "That's what the nurses and doctors always say, and you're supposed to buy it."
Now it was Maureen's turn to laugh. "You're kind of right about that. But in this case, it's the truth, I swear."
"I guess I can't make a judgment until after," Emma nodded before they both fell silent again as she took off her private clothes and slipped into the hospital nightgown the nurse had given her.
"The mayor left quickly," Maureen stated after a while.
It wasn't a question, and Emma was also bothered by her calling her 'the mayor'; yet she felt compelled to respond. "I sent her away. There are things I prefer to do alone. And besides, I don't want her to spend hours waiting outside the door." Emma was glad that at that moment the same door opened and her doctor returned, but to her displeasure with Whale in tow.
"I've brought backup from the surgeons. You should be familiar with Dr. Whale," Heart introduced her colleague.
"Hi," Emma greeted, eyeing him disparagingly, anything but thrilled that he would poke her with sharp objects. "Surgeon it is, huh? Doesn't sound so good." When the three of them laughed, Emma didn't know for the life of her what was supposed to have been so funny about it, but she kept quiet and waited for them to start, which finally happened shortly after.
They explained every move to her, but Emma had disengaged again and was thinking about Henry and Regina. Frantically, she focused her thoughts on the hiking trip and closed her eyes to once again hear the sounds of the forest and smell its scent. A warm hand closed around her forearm and she imagined that it belonged to Regina and not to the nurse who was trying to encourage her. An uncomfortable, squeezing pain spread through her chest, but she kept her eyes closed and focused on Maureen's, no, Regina's, hand. Henry had promised her he would go home right after school without any detours, and she knew she could count on him. He wouldn't let his mom down. And it was, after all, only a plentiful week, then she could already return home to her loved ones.
"One more little stitch and you'll be all set," Whale informed her, interrupting her thoughts of her family.
"Go ahead, as you're already on it," it came out of her mouth as a barely intelligible mumble. Amazed, she realized that she hadn't even noticed that they had apparently injected her with a sedative. She felt the brief pain above her breast before it too was over and cold disinfectant touched her skin, drapes were removed and band-aids applied. "Thank you," Emma whispered, feeling the need to thank those three people for their efforts. She had no idea anymore why she had been excited in the first place; she had barely noticed the procedure.
An uncomfortable tugging next to her right breast startled Emma out of her sleep. It took her a moment to realize where she was and why she was here. The sedative had probably been stronger than she had suspected and had ultimately forced her into a dreamless sleep for who knows how long. Since the painkillers they had used to numb her skin now seemed to be wearing off, it couldn't have been that long.
Still a bit dazed, she sat up in her bed, contorting her face for a moment. Not only did it hurt, but she felt sick and dizzy. No wonder she had woken up. Sighing, she slid back into her pillows and pulled aside her hospital nightgown to look at the source of the pain. "How fancy," she murmured as she eyed the catheter hanging out of her chest and trailing under the skin across her torso to her collarbone. Her attention, however, was already more focused a moment later on the infusion tubes connected to the catheter and ending in syringe pumps beside her bed. So they had already started chemo; no wonder she was so nauseous.
When there was another knock, Nurse Maureen was back in her room shortly after. "Good, you're awake. How are you feeling?"
"Super-duper," it came from Emma, who screwed up her face.
"I'll give you something for the pain right away," she assured her, and a moment later did just that. "Are you cold?"
Emma focused on her body for a moment, thinking about it, before shaking her head. "No, other than feeling sick, I'm fine." She watched the nurse inject her with another medication, presumably for nausea, and then cover her up again.
"All right. You have the emergency bell here, and I'd ask you not to be afraid to make use of it."
"Got it," she nodded, shifting back and forth a bit to find as comfortable a position as possible. When the nurse left the room again, she just looked after her for a moment and then reached for her cell phone, which was lying on the nightstand. This also finally told her that it was just before eleven o'clock. Regina would surely be pacing restlessly up and down her kitchen, forcing herself to distract herself with cooking.
Still slightly woozy from the remnants of the sedative in her blood, it took her a while to find Regina's number in the phone book and dial it. Finally, with her eyes closed, she put the phone to her ear.
"Emma!" Regina's voice sounded as if not only a stone had fallen from her heart, but a whole load of it.
"Hi," the blonde whispered, immediately feeling a little better at the sound of her voice. "I just wanted to let you know that I'm still alive."
"Don't say that," it came darkly from Regina.
"Okay, then... whatever." Her brain failed to rephrase the words, so she gave up on it. "What are you doing?"
"I thought I could cook something for Henry."
Emma had to grin as the idea she'd had turned out to be true. "For Henry? What about you?"
"I'm sure he'll leave something for me."
"Regina... You have to eat," she demanded, knowing full well how her friend had been poking her plate with her fork for days now rather than bites actually finding their way into her mouth.
Regina sighed. "I know, I'm trying," she assured her. "How are you?" she then gently wanted to know.
"I'm okay. Honestly. They do everything they can here to keep the side effects to a minimum."
"Good, that's...good. I suppose."
"Sure," Emma nodded to herself and took a deep breath. "What are you cooking?"
"Steaks. I originally bought those for yesterday, but then we were on our hike," she returned.
Emma waited for her to say more, but there was silence on the line again. "Is everything okay with you?" she then quietly wanted to know.
"Sure, I'm... keeping myself busy here and Henry will be here soon, I'm sure. Maybe I'll stop by City Hall later after all and work through some files. We'll see."
Emma furrowed her brow as she heard Regina stammering away. This was not the woman she knew. "You really don't have to worry about me. I'm not so easy to get down, okay?"
"Yeah, I know," she hastily replied. "I know."
"Hey, I'm going to try to get some more sleep. Don't be mad at me," it finally came from Emma, who would have liked to distract her a little longer, but she could tell her nausea was increasing, and besides, she felt that Regina was more burdened by the conversation than calmed by it.
"I'm not mad at you. Get as much sleep as you can. Just check in when you feel like it so I don't wake you, all right?" she asked.
"Sure. See you then." Emma just managed to end the call and put her cell phone away before she vomited heavily into the bowl that had been wisely placed by her bed for that purpose.
