Chapter 12
Nervously, Regina turned the steaks in the pan and looked at the wall clock in the kitchen every minute. The reason wasn't that she was afraid the food would get cold, just that she finally wanted her son to come home so she wouldn't have to listen to the thoughts in her head any longer.
Finally, the meat was ready and Regina put it in the oven to keep it warm. She hung her apron carelessly over the back of a chair as she passed, before opening the door of the utility closet in the entry hall and pulling her cleaning supplies out of it. Meticulously, she began vacuuming throughout the house and mopping the floors until everything was almost sparkling.
Despite the work, she couldn't completely distract herself from Emma's exhausted-sounding voice, which she had heard through the phone. She was aware that she wasn't feeling well, she didn't need to tell her. She just hoped she didn't feel compelled to keep all bad news from her in the future. Regina knew she was just trying to protect her, but the uncertainty scared her more than hard-hitting facts could.
When everything was finally cleaned up, Regina propped herself up on the handle of her mop and took a deep breath. Her gaze slid through the entry hall and up the stairs. Her house was really not well suited for someone weakened by illness and treatments. Not only did it have the long staircase leading to the bedrooms and bathroom; even the short stretch from the front door to the entry hall was divided by a landing.
While she was still standing there, a key was slid into the lock and Henry entered the house, greeting his mother and hugging her.
It took Regina a moment before she even really realized his presence, and then she pressed a kiss to his cheek. "Henry. I'm glad you're here," it came from her as she finally eyed him properly.
"Are you all right, Mom? What are you doing here?" He glanced around and with it in the direction Regina had been staring when he had entered the house, but he could see nothing out of the ordinary.
"I've been cleaning," she only replied, finally fully breaking free of her rigidity to put all the cleaning utensils back in their usual place. "And I cooked, I hope you're hungry. We may just have to reheat the potatoes. I expected you sooner."
Henry cast a puzzled glance at his wristwatch, but decided to just say nothing. He had taken the bike that morning specifically to get back faster, and the teacher had finished the last lesson ten minutes early. So it hadn't been possible for him to get back here even faster, but he could understand that his mother was completely messed up and wouldn't start a discussion about it now. "Sorry, I was in a hurry. I'll just go and change."
Regina nodded, and while Henry sprinted up the stairs, she went into the kitchen as if by remote control and warmed up the potatoes in the microwave. The meat she had had in the oven was still warm, so she divided it among three plates and set them on the table. Abruptly, she paused in her movements when she realized there were only two of them and quickly dumped the third steak back into the pan before Henry could see what she had done. With her hands folded, she sat down in her seat and waited for her son.
Henry slid into the chair across from her a moment later in his sweatpants and the sweater she'd given him for his last birthday. "This smells amazing, Mom," he commented, grabbing potatoes and gravy and a good portion of the vegetables on his plate.
With the hint of a smile, Regina watched him do it and then looked down at her own steak. She had no appetite, but she had Emma's words in her ear demanding that she eat, which is why she also helped herself to a small portion of everything. "How was school, Henry?"
"We got a math test back. I got a C," he told her, looking hesitantly at Regina.
But she just nodded, "A C is perfectly fine."
Surprised, he eyed her briefly; his mom knew he mastered languages better than anything that had to do with numbers, but normally she would have at least prodded him to write a B next time. "How's Emma doing?" he therefore now asked the question that he had urgently in his mind since he had entered the house.
"She says she's all right," Regina said, shoving a potato and gravy into her mouth, which she chewed on forever before finally managing to swallow it.
"And you don't believe her?" Henry guessed.
Regina shrugged her shoulders. "We only spoke briefly, she sounded exhausted," she explained, looking at Henry. "I was wondering what we could change in the house when she got home. That's why I was standing in the entry hall. We clearly have way too many stairs in here."
From the way Regina jumped from topic to topic, Henry could tell how nervous his mother was. During his childhood, this had been the only clue he had when something was upsetting her, because then, as now, she hid her feelings behind a mask of impassive face and perfectly fitting clothes. However, it had been rather rare at that time anyway for something or someone to throw her off track. When he brought Emma to town, on the other hand, it was more common for her to be so agitated, which had improved again when they became a couple. Since Emma's diagnosis, however, her restlessness had become worse than ever. "Emma will tell us what she needs, I'm sure of it," he tried to reassure her.
"Are you sure about that? She'll try to protect us and lie about her true condition," Regina immediately countered.
Henry set aside his cutlery and sought eye contact with her. "Mom? I know you're afraid you're losing her," he ventured. "But that's a fear Emma senses and feels she has to protect you from. If you act more normal, she'll be more honest with you."
Regina's gaze slid from the rim of her plate to her son's eyes before she tilted her head. "Are you blaming me now?"
"I'm not blaming anyone. I'm just saying that it's obvious how scared you are for her. Not just now, but before. You don't want to lose someone you love to death again, and everyone understands that," he said slowly. "But Emma feels compelled by that to take that fear away from you, because she knows how you react as soon as the normalcy of us all being okay starts to falter."
Regina fell silent and clenched her teeth tightly before backing away from him. "She doesn't want us to see her when she's miserable," she whispered.
"And that's part of it, too. You have to tell her that you can handle it and you'll be strong, and then she'll change her mind about it, too. But if she has to worry that you'll have a nervous breakdown every time after you see her in bad shape, then I can understand why she'd rather not have us with her."
Regina nodded. "So you do blame me."
"No, damn it! But Emma needs to know that at least you're okay and not tormenting yourself with dark thoughts while you're alone. Or why do you think she was so desperate for me to get home as early as possible today? She just wants to make sure you're okay," he said softly as he placed a hand on his mother's, which she had clenched into a fist.
Regina looked at it and took a deep breath before loosening her tight grip. "I'll get used to the situation and get along. She doesn't have to worry about me," she then replied.
"Tell her that, don't tell me," Henry nodded, looking down at his mother's barely touched food. "Are you done already?"
Regina nodded. She would eat later; right now she couldn't bring herself to down another bite.
The first few hours of chemo were over, and Emma had managed to sleep for a while before once again feeling her stomach turn completely inside out. The sedative had worn off completely by now, so at least she had been able to go to the bathroom when she had felt sick and didn't have to struggle again with the kidney tray in a semi-lying position.
Now she sat on one of the chairs in the room she had pulled up to the window and stared out at Storybrooke. A knock on the room door made her turn her head before muttering, "Come in." She had expected a nurse, a doctor, or even Henry or Regina, but when the door opened and her mother was suddenly standing in the room, she straightened, forcing herself not to let her face express too much surprise. "Mom?" it came from her in surprise nonetheless.
"Hi, honey!", Snow greeted her, hugging her before scurrying busily to the bathroom to add water to the gigantic bouquet of flowers she had already put in a vase. "Your dad stayed home with Neal, but I really wanted to check on you and make sure everything was okay with you!" she called from the adjoining room as the water ran.
Emma took a deep breath and wrapped her cardigan around herself a little more. She was cold and she had a headache, and the last thing she needed right now was her mother talking non-stop as usual. "You could have just called for a minute," she said when Snow was back in the room, arranging the bouquet on the table as if it were a hotel room and not a hospital room.
"Because you're always so honest," it came from her, rolling her eyes, "I wanted to see for myself."
Emma spread her arms, which she immediately regretted, as it caused her jacket to open wider again. "So, what's your verdict?" she asked wryly.
"You're quite pale," Snow commented, stroking her hair.
Emma snorted slightly and looked at her with amusement. "Well, thank goodness you came all the way over here to make that observation. Don't worry about it, I've been better, but I'll be fine." Actually, she just wanted her to leave quickly, but maybe she could convince her sooner that she could leave her alone if she proved to her that she felt fine. "Shall we get out of this stuffy room and go for a little walk?" she suggested therefore, even though she really wanted nothing more than to lie down in her bed and sleep. Besides, she was not allowed to leave the ward during chemo, but she didn't care much about it at that moment.
"With pleasure! It's not cold out at all, either," an immediate enthusiastic response came from Snow, who wrapped her scarf around her neck again and pulled up the zipper of her jacket, which she hadn't even taken off yet.
"Give me a minute," Emma nodded, taking her clothes with her into the small bathroom. With difficulty, she exchanged the hospital nightgown for underwear, sweatpants, and a hoodie, and then put on the anorak that Regina had thankfully insisted on. She was already so cold that goosebumps broke out over her arms and raised the fine hairs on them; she didn't even want to imagine how she would freeze outside. "I'm done," it finally came from her. The pump with the drug in her hand, she willingly let Snow's arm go around her shoulders as they made their way out, looking around a little furtively to get out of the way of the nurses and doctors before they noticed her.
"I said to your dad, 'David,' I said, 'Emma will take this like the fighter she is. And she'll win the fight like she always does.' And I was right, wasn't I?"
Questioningly, Emma looked at her. She struggled to keep up with Snow and at the same time tried not to breathe too hard.
"So far, the treatment isn't causing you any problems, is it? I've done my research, everyone reacts differently to chemotherapy, sometimes people don't even notice," she explained, as if she had studied medicine overnight.
Without suggesting a break, Emma dropped down on a bench outside that they passed and her mother sat down next to her without questioning it. "There are a lot of different kinds of chemotherapy, Mom," Emma countered, closing her eyes to push back exhaustion.
"Of course, but everyone tolerates it differently," Snow repeated, again talking about an article she had read.
Emma had long since tuned out and let her talk. At least she would go home thinking she felt fine and that was all that counted. Maybe then she wouldn't see the need to pay her a daily visit from now on.
"Are you listening to me at all?" it came from Snow after a while, now eyeing Emma reproachfully.
"Yeah, of course. It's great that you've been so engaged with the subject," Emma nodded surrendered, smiling wryly at her. Sensing movement in the corner of her eye, she turned her head and suddenly saw Regina hurrying toward them with long strides through the clinic garden. Her appearance was the last thing she had expected.
"What are you doing out here?" she promptly wanted to know, while her icy gaze darted back and forth between Emma and Snow.
"Hello, Regina!" Snow greeted, "We went for a little walk. The room was so stuffy and since Emma is fine, we preferred to get some fresh air," she explained to her with a smile.
Regina's gaze, which finally remained on Emma, made it clear that she had registered her girlfriend's true condition within seconds, while Snow had not even managed to do so in the half hour she had now been here. "Emma is not allowed to leave the ward at all. What were you two thinking anyway?"
"What could be wrong with a little fresh air? You're exaggerating again, Regina," Snow placated her, shaking her head.
Emma couldn't help but jump at the opportunity. "Mom, you know what? If Regina's here now, don't keep Dad and Neal waiting so long, huh? Like you say, fresh air is always good. We'll stay here for a bit, and you can get going." To her relief, Snow nodded.
"You're right. After all, I just wanted to pay you a quick visit and drop off the flowers."
"Thank you, they're very pretty," Emma nodded, keeping eye contact with her mother. "You don't have to come here every day, okay? We can talk on the phone and you can come visit when I get back home, I'd prefer that, all right?"
"Sure, whatever you want!" Snow nodded, hugging Emma tightly, who couldn't quite avoid a suppressed, pained sound. "See you soon, then! Take care, Regina!"
Regina nodded at her and stared after her out of dark eyes. Snow had barely left the hospital grounds when she sat down next to Emma and gently put an arm around her shoulders.
Almost instantly, Emma sank against her with the full weight of her upper body and closed her eyes.
"Emma?" it came softly from Regina after a few moments.
"Can you please take me inside?" Emma whispered, forcing herself to open her eyes. In the moment she hadn't had to pretend anything to her mother anymore, exhaustion and pain had overtaken her like a wave and now had a firm grip on her.
Carefully, Regina disengaged herself from her side and stood up, but without letting go of her, fearing she would simply topple over to her side when her body was no longer supporting her. "Of course I can," she replied softly, putting her arms around her and helping her to her feet.
Immediately, Emma leaned against her again, the now unbearable cold making her body shiver as she dragged herself across the hospital grounds and in to the elevators.
Regina didn't loosen her grip on her for a moment, feeling Emma grow heavier in her arms with each meter. "Emma, we're almost there. You almost did it," it came from her in a calm voice, although inside her anger and panic were fighting a heated duel.
Emma nodded, only peripherally aware that they reached her room and how Regina put the pump on the nightstand, took off her anorak and shoes, and tucked her under the covers. "Thank you," she brought out softly between chattering teeth, and in the very next moment felt the warmth of the pillows and blankets settle over her. However, she also found that most of the cold seemed to come from within her, eating through her bones. Obviously, the poison they infused her with, which was now flooding through her body, was already doing its job. "What are you even doing here?" Emma felt better after only a few minutes in her bed and eyed Regina, who had silently taken a seat on the edge of the bed and was stroking her hair.
"I wanted to talk to you," she explained, sliding her hand from her hair down her cheek, where the color was slowly returning a little. "But there's time for that. First you need to rest," it came softly from her. The anger at Emma going outside and Snow acting so ignorant slowly dissipated, though she couldn't understand how Snow hadn't seen what she had registered with just a glance.
Emma looked at her and reached for her hand. "Is Henry home?"
Regina nodded and squeezed her fingers gently. "We had a... very enlightening conversation and after that I just had to see you. I didn't want to talk to you on the phone," she explained.
Her lips twisted into a smile as Emma sensed that Regina seemed quite relaxed, very different from the morning she had brought her to the hospital or their earlier phone call. "It's good to have you here."
Regina smiled as well and gave her a quick kiss on the lips. "I'm glad to be here, too." She paused for a while. "What was that about with Snow and you out there?" she then wanted to know seriously.
Emma sighed and rolled her eyes briefly. "Well, you know her. She showed up here with that monster of a bouquet," she began, gesturing briefly with her hand toward the table, "and showing her I was okay seemed like the quickest way to get rid of her."
"She didn't even realize you were miserable," Regina indignantly said, shaking her head.
Emma shrugged her shoulders. "I don't know. Maybe she did and just didn't want to see it. It's just her way of dealing with it."
Regina wasn't sure if this version was even worse, but she stifled any further comment on it.
"You wanted to come here to talk. I can't promise you I'll be awake much longer, so we should probably do that right away," it finally came from Emma, who continued to maintain eye contact.
"I can handle your illness, Emma," it came from her slowly and hesitantly at first. "You're trying to protect me by keeping me out of your misery, but that's not going to work. It's more the uncertainty that's driving me crazy."
Emma listened intently and stroked her hand with her thumb.
"I'm afraid of losing you, yes. But you have to let me take care of you and let me see you in your bad moments, too, so I can get over that fear."
Sensing that Regina had finished, Emma smirked weakly and squeezed her hand again. "I already do."
Confused, Regina returned her gaze.
"I didn't send you away, nor did I tell you that you didn't have to do all this for me, did I?" she continued, and struggled to get up in bed so that she could put her arms around her girlfriend. Taking a deep breath, she leaned into the embrace and rested her head on Regina's shoulder. A tear slipped from the corner of her eye before she even realized it was forming. "Thank you for being here."
