Chapter 17
Dinner passed in silence, as did the drive home from the sports field. Emma stoically spooned another portion of Henry's small-cut fruit, while he and Regina had made sandwiches for themselves. Finally, Emma had enough of the mood and dropped her spoon into the bowl. "Regina, honestly, what is this? You put us into your car and haven't spoken a word since!"
The woman addressed continued to look at her plate at first, before slowly raising her eyes to Emma. "And what do you expect from me now?"
"I don't know, maybe an explanation why you're acting like this?!", Emma burst out, returning her gaze as she noticed in the corner of her eye how Henry seemed to be getting smaller and smaller in his chair.
"You need an explanation for that, Miss Swan? Henry, go upstairs," Regina demanded.
"He's staying," Emma insisted.
Anger sparkled in Regina's eyes. "Fine, then he's staying. Why are you doing this? When the cat's away, the mice come out to play, or how am I supposed to understand that?"
"We were out for a walk, Regina! I didn't know I'd be a prisoner in my own four walls from now on," she countered heatedly.
Regina shook her head uncomprehendingly. "You're not a prisoner."
"And yet you don't want me to leave the house. Why?"
"Because you're not well, damn it! I'm worried about you running around town where anything can happen!" she raged on.
Emma knew full well that she wasn't actually angry at all, but that she was once again hiding her fear behind anger. "Nothing more happens to me in town than it does here," it came calmly from her at least. "If I break down, I break down here just as much as anywhere else. I have no control over that, unfortunately. But what I do know is whether I feel good or not. And right now, I feel good. Except for this fight, I have had this up to here," she replied, holding her hand over her head.
Regina was silent again, and one could only tell by the way she swallowed and her jaw muscles twitched that she was really taking Emma's words to heart.
"I was looking out for Emma," Henry spoke up then. "I wouldn't have let her strain herself, really."
Emma smiled wryly and stroked his hair briefly. "Believe me, Regina. He's a perfectly worthy stand-in for you."
Henry rolled his eyes, but didn't reply, as he could feel Regina slowly beginning to relent, as could Emma.
"Just let me know next time, okay?" it came in a whisper from her.
Emma nodded, leaned in and finally gave her the kiss she had been longing for all day. "I promise," she whispered.
"Moms! We're still eating!" Henry's indignant response came, causing both women to grin.
"We'll talk when you have a girlfriend," Regina nodded, finishing the last few bites of her sandwich.
"Oh, while we're on the subject of talking," Emma's response came. "Please don't ever make me a pureed senior dish like that again, I couldn't eat that."
"That was a fruit smoothie!" Regina indignantly snapped.
"Yeah, fine by me. But I have teeth. I like it when you can still tell what's on the plate, all right?"
Regina raised an eyebrow and shrugged. "Whatever. No more smoothies, then."
Gratefully, Emma looked at her and spooned her bowl empty as well.
"I'll be upstairs," it came from Henry, now that everyone had finished eating and he was thus allowed to leave the table. "Good night, Moms." One by one he gave his mothers a kiss on the forehead, then cleared the table and climbed up to the top floor taking two steps at a time.
"He cleared the table," Emma stated matter-of-factly.
"So?"
"You really raised him well," she realized for the umpteenth time.
Regina stood up, wiping down the table. "After all, this isn't savage country, is it?"
Emma grinned and shrugged. "Where I come from, we ate with our fingers without dishes. I'm glad he grew up here with you."
"He was always a good boy," she nodded, coming to stand behind Emma, whom she gently placed her hands on her shoulders. "I'm sorry for sending Zelena here unannounced."
Emma leaned her head back against Regina's stomach so she could look up at her. "No problem. We had a good talk," she said. "However, she did warm up your smoothie and I still don't know if she did it on purpose or really didn't know what it was."
Regina raised an eyebrow again. "I guess I'll have to have another word with her."
Emma grinned and shook her head. "No need. In retrospect, I think it's quite funny."
"She said you weren't really feeling well this morning. That's why I was so pissed that you were running around outside."
"She definitely hasn't experienced me not being well," Emma said in response. "Seriously, Regina. Yes, the stairs are exhausting me and I feel dizzy for a while after I get up. But that's about it. I swear."
"No need, I believe you." Gently, Regina leaned forward and pressed another kiss to her lips.
"How was your day?"
She sighed and nodded toward the living room.
Willingly, Emma followed her there and the two made themselves comfortable on the sofa as they were used to; Emma snuggled in the corner, Regina in her arms stroking her through her hair.
"I've never been so ill-prepared for this festival as I am this year. I usually plan for all eventualities and make contingency plans A, B and C. This time we'll just have to hope it doesn't come to an emergency," she told her honestly about her concerns.
"But look at it this way: the people in the stalls are minding their own business. My mom is going to put up some bombastic decorations." She couldn't hold back a brief grin. "And we'll just leave everything else up to fate. How does that sound?"
"Honestly? Horrible!" Regina replied, closing her eyes to enjoy Emma's touch in her hair more. "What if something goes wrong?"
"Something can always go wrong. Will you leave me home alone tomorrow if I'm horrible?"
"What?" Regina shot up and turned to face her. "Why would you be?"
Emma rolled her eyes and pulled her back into her arms. "I said 'if'! That implies the possibility."
"I know what 'if' means!" Regina snorted.
"There you go. Then what are you so upset about right now? So, if I'm not well tomorrow, are you going to the town fair or are you staying home with me?"
"What's the point of asking, Emma? Of course I'll stay home then."
Emma nodded and kissed her on the forehead. "You see. Something can always come up or not go according to plan. Then tomorrow there wouldn't be the traditional mayor's speech before the fireworks. So what? They will survive it."
Regina took a deep breath and finally nodded. "You're right. It's just a stupid town festival, and even if it's a disaster, two weeks from now no one will be talking about it."
"That's right," the blonde nodded, "Especially not when they have a new theme that's much more interesting. It won't be long before my condition makes the rounds here. What do you think is going on in Storybrooke then? The Savior has cancer! I hope they don't hold torchlight parades and paint banners in my honor then."
"I wouldn't bet on it," it came wryly from Regina.
"You sure can be encouraging," Emma groaned, dropping her head back against the backrest.
Regina shrugged slightly. "You're their symbol of hope. They worship you like a goddess."
"Thanks to you," Emma grumbled, nipping the side of her neck lightly with her teeth.
Regina gave a suppressed squeak, being ticklish in that place, and jumped off the sofa.
"Hey, stay here!" Indignant, Emma sat up as well.
But Regina shook her head. "If you're okay tomorrow," she began, putting extra overemphasis on the first word to annoy Emma, "we're going to this town festival. And after you put me in the most embarrassing situation of my life last year, I'm sure as hell not going on stage with hickeys this year."
"Why not? That would tie in nicely with last year, wouldn't it?" Emma grinned at her mischievously.
Regina leaned over and pressed an index finger to her lips while their faces were inches apart. "I'm warning you, Emma Swan. If I wake up tomorrow with hickeys or bite marks, you can move to the sofa indefinitely."
"You wouldn't do that," Emma was still grinning.
"You want to try it?"
Uncertainty mingled in her gaze as she continued to look at Regina.
"Thought so." Now she was the one grinning, and with hips swaying, she disappeared through the door toward the stairs, well aware that Emma's gaze was fixed on her bottom.
"Just you wait," Emma whispered more to herself and hurried after her, literally running into Regina who had stopped at the foot of the stairs. "For heaven's sake, Regina!" it escaped her, startled, as she almost knocked her over.
"You think I'm going to let you stagger up the stairs by yourself?" her girlfriend asked, raising an eyebrow before stealing a kiss and then pulling Emma up with her.
Emma giggled and struggled to keep up her pace.
"Shh, Henry's definitely not asleep yet!" Regina hissed to her.
"You think he doesn't know what we're doing with each other? He's 15!"
Regina rolled her eyes and pulled Emma into the bedroom with her. It wasn't until the door was closed behind them that she spoke again at a normal volume. "Knowing it and witnessing it are two different things. We're his parents, my goodness! Are you listening to your parents having sex?"
Emma screwed up her face and made a choking sound. "Regina, please! Do you want me to regurgitate the few calories I have in my stomach?"
"There you go, then I'm sure you can understand my concerns!"
Defeated, Emma pulled her sweater over her head and lay down on the bed. "Okay, you're right. No more sex noises in the stairwell." Swearing, she raised her right hand and extended three fingers in the air.
"Glad we settled that," Regina murmured, and a moment later was upon her, kissing her again.
"That goes for you too about the hickeys," came a gasp from Emma between several fierce kisses.
A devilish grin stole onto Regina's lips as she placed a hand on the back of Emma's neck and lavished her neck with kisses. Finally, she also slipped the shirt she had been wearing under her sweater over her head and then paused.
Emma eyed her and then followed her gaze to the catheter. "Does it bother you?" she asked in a whisper, afraid of the answer.
"No. No, it's just..." Regina struggled to avert her gaze and look Emma in the eye. "I just..."
"It's okay," Emma nodded and pulled her shirt back on before rolling onto her side of the bed and lying with her back to Regina. Her hesitation was answer enough for her. She tried hard not to allow any tears and didn't want to look too hurt either, but it was incredibly hard to make that happen at that moment.
"Emma, it really doesn't bother me. Not the way you think," it came from Regina, who put a hand on her shoulder.
"It's all right. I'm tired, Regina. Let's go to sleep." She didn't want to talk about it now, and she didn't want her to touch her, so she jerked away from her hand almost reflexively.
Her dismissive attitude stung Regina's heart. "I love you, Emma."
"I know." She closed her eyes, hoping Regina would do the same. At that moment, an incredible tiredness overtook her. She was sick of being tired all the time, and so slowly she wondered if the fight was worth it if she might lose Regina in the process. "Regina?" it finally came from her.
Her girlfriend hadn't moved a bit by then and was still sitting behind her on the bed. So Emma wasn't surprised that her voice sounded hopeful when she said, "Yes?"
"I thought it would be okay." She took a deep breath and stared at the opposite wall.
"What do you mean, love?"
Emma took a deep breath and turned to face her so she could see her face. "I kind of thought we could go on the way we were, that nothing had changed. But that's not true, everything has changed."
Regina eyed her from worried dark eyes and stroked a stray strand of hair back from her forehead.
"I've changed and so has my body and I don't blame you if you find me repulsive," she whispered.
Confused, Regina looked at her and shook her head. "Emma, where do you come up with such nonsense? I could never find you repulsive."
Emma snorted and pulled the catheter tubes from her cleavage so they dangled in front of her chest. "And what about this? I find myself disgusting, how would you feel any different? Nothing about it is attractive, and I'm not surprised you'd rather take your hands off me. Maybe it would have been better to say nothing to you and let the treatments be. At least then I could have enjoyed my last weeks with you."
Shocked, Regina eyed her and struggled for words for a moment. "You can't be serious!"
"I've never been more serious in my life."
"Emma, I don't find you repulsive! I'm just afraid. Afraid that I'll hurt you, give you pain. Afraid I'll make you sicker with one wrong touch. I've told you this before, and you have to believe me. I have no proof of what I say, but I mean it! And your talk of dying doesn't exactly take that fear away from me either, quite the opposite." By now it was Regina who was close to tears. "You're the optimistic one of the two of us. If you stop thinking positively, who's going to do it?"
For a moment, Emma closed her eyes and just focused on Regina's hand on her shoulder. "I'm sorry, I forgot that the Savior can't have weak moments. Don't worry, I'll be in as good a mood as ever in the morning." She was aware of the ironic sound of her words, but in reality, she was actually serious. It had not been her intention to worry Regina, but even she could not always take everything lightly, although most things were easier to bear that way and she always tried to keep her gallows humor.
"Not for me," it came from Regina, shaking her head, who gave her a kiss on the forehead. "I want you to show your real feelings and not put on an act just to make me more comfortable."
Emma nodded curtly and stared into empty space.
"May I look at you?" it came softly from Regina after a while.
Questioningly, Emma eyed her girlfriend. "What do you mean?"
"I mean that I want to look at you. You, your body, all of you."
"Regina, that's..." She shook her head, unconsciously pulling the blanket higher up under her chin. "You don't have to do this."
"I know no one's forcing me to. But I'd like to. Because I like looking at you, and if you don't think you're pretty enough anymore, that's your impression, not mine. You say your body has changed. Then I want to get to know it anew." Regina whispered so softly that her voice could just be heard in the silence of the room.
Emma swallowed and her lips quivered as her grip on the hem of the blanket slowly loosened a bit.
Regina couldn't remember ever seeing her like this. "Emma, are you afraid of me?"
Immediately she shook her head and closed her eyes briefly. "Not of you. Of your reaction. Of what you think of me."
"I think you're the most wonderful woman I've ever had the privilege of knowing, no matter what you look like," she replied softly, placing a kiss on the corner of Emma's mouth. Very gently, she finally took the covers off her bed and flipped them back.
Emma's chest rose and fell violently as she tried to silence the negative thoughts in her head. Finally, she closed her eyes as Regina removed her top again and let her bra follow. She also kept her eyes closed when she felt her girlfriend pause again and likewise when Regina's fingers began to gently stroke her skin. Immediately her body reacted with goose bumps.
"You are so beautiful," Regina whispered.
Reluctantly, Emma did open her eyes and returned Regina's gaze. Her face was inches from hers and there was pure love in her features.
"It feels like you're taunting me," she countered, looking down at herself. It wasn't just the tubes in her chest that made her condition clear; her arms were no longer muscular and instead were full of pinpricks that hadn't fully healed, and her body was covered in bruises of different sizes. She had lost so much weight that one could no longer speak of slim, but had to call it emaciated, which made her bones appear pointed and the catheter that ran under her skin stand out clearly. And she was pale. Her skin had this absolutely unhealthy gray-white color, and even with makeup she couldn't cover the dark circles under her eyes.
"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and to me you will always be beautiful," Regina finally answered and gave her a long, passionate kiss.
Emma smiled wryly after that and finally wrapped her arms around her upper body. Even though Regina's words were like a balm for her soul, she couldn't completely convince her that they should actually be true. Besides, she was beginning to feel cold as she lay so exposed on the bed.
"Thank you for agreeing to this," it came honestly from Regina, who gently pulled her sleep shirt over her head.
"You didn't really give me a choice," Emma said with a grin, putting a hand to her head after wiping her eyes.
"You always have a choice, I would never make you do something." She paused, eyeing her body language for just a moment. "You're tired," Regina repeated what Emma had said a few minutes earlier. "Then stop fighting it and go to sleep," she whispered, slipping under the covers to take Emma in her arms afterwards.
At first the blonde wanted to protest, but the feeling of Regina's hands on her body and the warm skin against her own was too pleasant and comforting to give up. So Emma rolled back onto her side and let herself be enveloped in the cocoon of security Regina was giving her.
