Chapter 21
"Regina, please don't do this to me. I'll be good, I promise," Emma's pleading voice sounded through the kitchen as they had breakfast the next morning.
Seriously, the brunette looked over at her girlfriend and took a sip of her coffee before answering her. "I'm not discussing it. Henry is at school, Zelena is at the doctor's with Robin for a routine checkup, and I have to go to City Hall. You're not going to stay here alone."
Emma groaned and took a spoonful of her fruit cereal. "I'm not a little kid and I can make my own decisions, do you realize that?"
"Your decisions are mostly just pretty rash, unfortunately." She stood up and put her empty cup in the dishwasher before taking her seat at the table again.
"You know what? Actually, you're pretty unfair," Emma said in an exasperated tone.
Regina raised her eyebrows questioningly.
"When I'm miserable, like yesterday, it's absolutely natural for me to lie around all day. But if I'm doing well, like today, then I'm not allowed to enjoy my day in front of the TV or in the garden. No, then I have to come with you to City Hall and be bored to death," she complained.
"It won't take long," Regina promised gently, not wanting her to get so upset. "I can drop you off at your mother's if you'd prefer," she suggested weakly, but this time she meant it and didn't want to tease Emma about it.
Emma thought about it for a moment. "At my mother's, no. But at my father's," she then said.
"David? Isn't he working today?", Regina wanted to know.
"Yes, but Mom said yesterday that he wants to see me in the next few days. Again, that's such a vague statement." Snorting, she poked at her cereal without eating any more of it.
Regina watched her for a while. "Are you mad at him?"
"I...No...Yes...Maybe. I have no idea. I feel like he's avoiding me," she finally admitted, meeting Regina's concerned gaze. "He hasn't shown his face around here since I told him and Mom the truth. It seemed like he was handling it better than she was, but I'm starting to get the impression that it's quite the opposite."
Regina was silent, staring thoughtfully ahead. "Or maybe he just doesn't want to be as pushy as Snow?" she then suggested.
"If you invite for coffee on Sunday afternoon and he accepts the invitation, that's not exactly pushy, is it?"
"No, but it's possible that he really did have to work," Regina suggested.
Emma tilted her head and eyed her girlfriend, "Why are you so protective of him?"
Regina's jaw tightened and she looked away from her.
"Regina?" Across the table, Emma reached for her hand and forced her to look at her again.
"It's just, I could understand him," she almost whispered. She took a deep breath and met Emma's gaze. "It's not so easy to see you like this. Normally you're just bursting with energy and strength. And yesterday you could barely put one foot in front of the other."
Emma was poleaxed and withdrew her hand. "Okay... Then you're lucky I have to go back to the hospital soon and I don't force the sight of me on you every day."
"Emma, I didn't mean it that way! I'm just saying that maybe he's suffering more than you think. He's your father and you're his little girl and now your life is threatened by a danger he can't defeat with a sword. How do you think I feel? I can't help you despite magic, which I've come to realize by now after having my nose in my books in the vault every spare minute, and this feeling of powerlessness is devastating," she said slowly and quietly, and this time it was she who took Emma's hand in hers. "Give him time to get used to the situation."
Emma was still staring over at her almost angrily. "Why does everyone have to get used to this situation anyway? What about me? I have to accept it for what it is, too!"
"Maybe you're just stronger than all of us?" Regina suggested.
Snorting snidely, Emma looked away from her and into the barely touched cereal bowl in front of her. She was so pissed she could just barely stop herself from knocking it off the table. "You can tell. I'm not even winning the battle against my breakfast." With that, she stood up jerkily and left the kitchen. Actually, she didn't know what to do with herself. Normally, she would have sprinted out the door and gone for a run to let off steam by now, but not even that was available to her. So the next moment she found herself in the living room, sitting on the floor in front of the couch with her back against it. Taking a deep breath, she closed her eyes and pressed her fists against it. She had the impression that she was no longer being taken seriously at all. Her mother either didn't want to hear about how she was doing or burst into tears as soon as her illness was brought up. Her father was shining with his absence. And Regina controlled her entire day and ruled over her as if she were not the master of her senses. The only one who actually inquired about her needs was Henry, and she wanted to keep him out of it as much as possible. Even when she heard Regina's hesitant footsteps approaching, Emma continued to sit motionless and likewise ignored the hand that settled on her shoulder after her girlfriend had taken a seat next to her.
Regina took a deep breath and put her arm around Emma to pull her close.
Without resistance, the blonde allowed it and finally released her hands from her face to be able to press it against Regina's upper arm while she clasped her arm around her. Her smell was comforting and painful at the same time and so it didn't take long for Emma's body to start shaking as she sobbed audibly. "I'm sorry," she whimpered, grabbing Regina's blazer for support.
"Shh, it's all right. You have no reason to apologize," Regina whispered, gently stroking her hair.
Violently, Emma shook her head and looked up at her from red eyes. "I hate myself! I can't stand myself anymore! I'm just irritable and I have this anger in my stomach that's directed at everything and everyone, but really I'm just mad at myself!"
"Listen, whatever you do or say, I know you're not yourself right now and you don't mean it. You're still the woman I fell in love with," Regina countered, looking her firmly in the eye. "And I'm here for you, even if you yell at me and curse me."
Emma let the air escape in a gush and lowered her face against Regina's shoulder again. "I wish you wouldn't always treat me like I already have one foot in the grave."
The hand that was in Emma's hair paused its caresses for a moment before sliding down her back and continuing to run circles there. "I'm not doing this to tease you. I'm scared for you."
Emma nodded. "I know." For a few seconds, her green eyes gazed into Regina's dark ones before she gently pressed her mouth to hers. She savored the feel of Regina's full, warm lips tenderly returning the kiss, even as the salty taste of her own tears mingled in, adding a bittersweet note to the rare intimate moment between them. "I love you, Regina," she whispered chokingly. Judging by how rarely she said those words out loud, they had the appropriate effect on Regina.
"I love you, too, Emma." Gently, she pulled her girlfriend closer and intensified the kisses they exchanged. At that moment, there was no more work, no more obligations or illnesses to worry about. There was just the two of them and the almost palpable tension between them.
"I'll try to do better, I promise," Emma finally stated minutes later, leaning her forehead against Regina's and closing her eyes.
"That won't be necessary," the latter answered her. "I don't want you to bend for anyone, especially not for me. I always want to know what you're feeling, even if it's anger, do we understand each other, Miss Swan?"
Emma managed a slight smile. "Understood." Her fingers slid one last time through Regina's hair, which she had duly ruined in the past quarter hour, before she scrambled to her feet. "We should get going now. You're already late anyway."
Shrugging her shoulders, Regina stood up as well and ran her hand through her hair a few times in front of the wall mirror in the hallway, trying to get it back into shape. "Probably no one would even care if I didn't show up at all today. The festival is over for now, so I guess I'll be spared from annoying calls and questions for at least the next week."
"Then what do you want at City Hall?" Emma wanted to know as she slipped into her street clothes. Her anger had faded, but she still had no desire to make the trip.
"Well, I'm still the mayor, despite everything. There's always something to do, even if it's just paperwork." It was clear from her tone that she was wondering how Emma could not realize this.
"Well, let's go then," the blonde sighed defeatedly and trudged sullenly out to Regina's Mercedes. She would have preferred her Beetle by far, but Regina refused to drive it and she hadn't let her get behind the wheel for quite some time.
After Regina pulled up in front of the sheriff station and let Emma out of the car, she briefly lowered the passenger window again so she could talk to her. "What if he's not there at all?"
"Then I'll just wait," Emma said with a shrug. "It's not like he can be gone forever."
"And what if just that absolutely obtrusive pirate is there?" Regina grumbled.
Emma grinned and leaned her elbows into the frame of the car door. "You're not jealous, are you?"
"Me, of him? No way," Regina huffed. "I'm just saying, if I'm gone, you're stuck with him until I pick you up again."
"He's all right." Emma was aware that this was certainly not the answer Regina had hoped for, but she meant it. Killian liked to act very immature and macho at times, but Emma knew how to deal with him and that he only flaunted this demeanor as self-protection to avoid getting hurt.
Sighing, Regina rolled her eyes. "If you like. But I warned you, so no complaints later!"
Still grinning, Emma raised her hand in farewell and made her way to the entrance. Her steps slowed as she approached the door. It was a strange feeling with no intention of coming here to work. Finally, she gave herself a jolt and entered the precinct. With the patrol car missing, Emma had already guessed that only one of the two sheriffs was present, and unfortunately, it wasn't her father looking at her from across the desk.
"Swan, good morning to you," Hook greeted her, and it was obvious he was glad for the distraction.
"Killian," Emma greeted him only briefly, nodding at him. She was aware of the direction in which the conversation would inevitably tip in a few moments.
"What brings you here? Longing for me?" he asked.
"For the station, if anything," she nodded, taking a seat in the vacant desk chair that belonged to her father. "I wanted to see David."
"He's patrolling." Thoughtfully, he eyed her from the side for a while without saying anything.
Finally it became too much for Emma. "Ok, let's have it, so we can both get on with our lives."
While drumming his fingers on the table for a moment, he shrugged. "None of my business."
Surprised, Emma eyed him. She hadn't expected him to react like this, rather the opposite: until now, everything concerning her had been of utmost interest to him.
"Why the change of heart?" she wanted to know suspiciously.
Again he shrugged his shoulders and looked her in the eye. "I suppose Henry's revelation didn't suit you fine. It's your business, and if you want to talk about it, I won't stop you. If you don't, that's fine too. I don't meddle in such delicate private matters."
"Since when?" asked Emma, grinning wryly.
Hook's look, however, remained serious. "I like to make my jokes and tease you. But I'm very good at telling the difference between a situation that's suitable for jokes and one that isn't. Can you maybe help me with this bloody computer program? I can type all I want, it's doing absolutely nothing."
It took Emma a moment to move and step behind him. She was too pleasantly surprised at how mature he was about her illness. "You have to confirm yourself as a user first. As long as the dialog box is open, you can't enter anything else," she then explained after a cursory glance at the monitor.
"This newfangled technology is straight out of the Hellmouth," he muttered, following her instruction, whereupon everything worked flawlessly.
"You'll learn," she countered, walking back to her seat.
"Swan?"
She looked up when he addressed her so directly and eyed him questioningly.
"I take it you're not likely to be back anytime soon," he responded.
Emma smiled wryly and looked him in the eye before slowly shaking her head. "No, I don't think so." It didn't escape her that he had deliberately not phrased it as a question, leaving it up to her to decide how detailed her answer should be. "I'm going to have to spend a lot of time in the hospital and my bed." She felt she could confide in him without him telling the whole town. After all, he had proven to her that he could be discreet.
"You can call if you need anything," he said, and you could clearly hear from his tone that he meant it.
"Thank you, Killian. You'll help me the most by making sure the sheriff station is running," she explained, smirking briefly.
"Aye, I'll try my best. But this magic box here isn't making it easy for me." He met the computer with an angry look.
"You'll defeat the beast, I'm not worried about that at all," she winked at him, then was distracted by the sound of the company car's engine as her father drove into the parking space outside. "Here comes my dad. You've got this covered, don't you? I'm kidnapping him for a while. See you around?"
Hook nodded. "I'll see you around. Keep your chin up."
Emma smirked fleetingly and stepped outside onto the sidewalk the next moment.
David didn't notice her at first, having kept his gaze on the ground as he walked, so he looked at her in surprise when he became aware of her presence. "Emma! What are you doing here?"
"Hey, Dad. I wanted to see you," she said, tilting her head. Normally, he would hug her in greeting. "You've been really hiding from me lately."
Vehemently, he shook his head and put his car keys in his jacket pocket. "I'm sure it just seemed that way to you. There was always a lot to do. The town festival, you know."
"I see. Funny how Regina had time for me then. And that doesn't explain why you don't look me in the eye while I'm talking to you." She had intended to go into the conversation relaxed and without blaming him, but after he presented himself to her in this way, she just couldn't help but let him feel her anger and disappointment. Crossing her arms in front of her chest, she waited for his next excuse.
"What, no, I didn't mean to." Laughing nervously, he finally looked up and met his daughter's gaze.
Emma wasn't prepared for the hurt that spoke from his eyes and immediately her anger faded. "Shall we go to Granny's? Hook knows you won't be there for a while," she now gently suggested.
"Yeah, okay. Whatever you say," David nodded, now making sure for the third time that the car was locked. Hesitantly, he then put his arm around Emma and walked the short distance to the cozy diner with her.
Emma slid into one of the booths and took off her jacket. Since the sweater she wore underneath was relatively loose-fitting, her very protruding collarbones and the catheter that ran under her skin were clearly visible. Immediately, she felt her father's gaze on her. "Dad?"
David raised his head and met her gaze.
Just as Emma was about to reach for his hand and say something, Granny came rushing over to take their order.
"Emma, my dear. I am so sorry. That was such a shock to all of us, what Henry said there on Saturday. How are you?" she immediately asked tearfully after greeting them.
"I'm...okay," Emma replied. "Can you bring me some herbal tea?" she then asked.
"Sure! David, a coffee?" she then turned to Emma's father.
He just nodded briefly and then looked back down at the tabletop in thought as Granny scurried away.
So Emma finally put her plan into action, and across the table, put her hands around David's. "Dad," she repeated, waiting for him to look at her again. "There's no reason to be ashamed of not being able to handle a situation," she quietly said.
"What do you mean?" Artificially, he smiled briefly and returned her gaze, which clearly took a lot out of him.
"My illness wear you out. And stop denying it, I'm not stupid." She interrupted as Granny set the drinks they'd ordered down in front of them and didn't turn back to her father until she was out of earshot again. "Why are you disappearing from my life instead of being honest with me?"
"I didn't mean to in the first place," he stated weakly.
"But you did it anyway." Emma took a deep breath and closed her eyes for a moment. "I know it's not easy. And I see that look every day from Regina and Henry. I can deal with it. What I can't deal with is your permanent absence. This disease is a monster unknown to you. The unknown always scares us, it's natural. So maybe it would be better if you spoke out what's on your mind?!" She traced his gaze, which had once again slid from her eyes lower to her neck. "Then you wouldn't have to stare at my catheter completely distraught, as if it would attack at any moment!" At that moment, she simply couldn't manage to hold back the words.
David's eyes immediately turned back to her face, taken aback. "I'm your father," he softly announced. Tears gathered in his eyes, but they did not find their way out. "I should protect you from danger. But I can't."
"Dad, no one could have. What are you going to do against an invisible enemy? There's no spell or weapon for that. We just have to trust the doctors that they know what they're doing," she tried to reassure him. "Have faith. And talk to me about the things you don't understand and that scare you."
He swallowed and looked away from her. "I'm not used to not being able to do anything."
"I know." Gently, Emma squeezed his hand. "Shit, I feel the same way myself! But I've learned something. In the beginning, I tried to keep everything to myself and not let even my girlfriend and my son in on it. I imagined the moment when I would tell them to be terrible. In the end, both they and I felt better afterwards. Let's talk about it. It helps, you'll see."
Torn, David looked alternately at Emma's face, at her hands, and at the table. Finally, he looked up and nodded slowly. "Okay. Let's talk."
