Chapter 22

Emma's heart felt much lighter as she made her way to Town Hall. She and her father had talked at length, she had answered all his questions as best she could, and by now she had the impression that it really made him feel better.

Of course David had offered to drive her, but Emma was glad to get some exercise and enjoyed the fresh air on the short walk downtown. There weren't many people on the street, but the few Emma encountered gave her a friendly nod before she could hear them whispering behind their hands as soon as they passed her. Emma tried to ignore it as much as possible and took a deep breath; this was exactly the reason she wanted to avoid the whole town finding out about her condition.

When she finally reached Town Hall, she was equal parts exhausted and happy that she had made it without the help of others. She took a few minutes to fully catch her breath before entering the official building and knocking on Regina's office, whose door was only ajar.

"Yes, please," the warm, deep voice from the other side of the door sounded out to her in a businesslike manner.

Emma pushed it open fully and stepped into the spacious office. "Hi."

Putting down her pen and getting up from her desk chair was a single movement before Regina circled the desk, hurried toward Emma, and put her hands on her upper arms. Concerned, she eyed her from head to toe and then lingered her gaze on her eyes. "What are you doing here, love? I was going to pick you up later," she said, pulling her into her arms.

Emma rolled her eyes while Regina couldn't see it and wrapped her arms around her as well. "Do you know what time it is? You've been here for three hours," Emma pointed out, sounding amused rather than angry. "How long do you think I should have waited before I was allowed to call a cab?"

Startled, Regina glanced at the wall clock before putting her hand to her forehead. "I'm so sorry, I completely lost track of time!"

"Don't worry," Emma said shaking her head to reassure her and gave her a quick kiss. "I was at Granny's with my dad until just now, we had a long talk," she explained, taking a seat on one of the chairs that were in front of Regina's desk for visitors.

"Did you guys talk things over?" Regina inquired sympathetically and sat back down at her desk, where she put her hands together and frowned gravely.

Emma nodded and crossed her arms in front of her chest before shaking her head thoughtfully and staring into space. "You were right. He was completely out of his depth. But he also didn't dare talk to us because he didn't want to show weakness and burden us."

Listening attentively, Regina ran a hand through her hair. "Yes, that's how he is." Closing the open file in front of her, she put it back in the cabinet before turning off her laptop and putting it in her bag.

"You don't have to stop working because of me," Emma immediately responded as she watched her girlfriend tidy up.

"It's okay. I just need the computer, I can finish this at home," Regina waved it off, slinging her purse and laptop bag over her shoulder before offering Emma her arm, which she took without resistance, pulling herself to her feet. "Why did you walk?" she began again when she noticed Emma leaning on her heavier than she had earlier in the morning.

"We've been over that. There's nothing wrong with my legs and the fresh air did me good," she said, annoyed, holding onto Regina's arm.

"You know you're not supposed to overexert yourself," Regina said seriously.

"And I didn't," Emma nodded and took a deep breath before stopping and leaning against Regina with her eyes closed when a sudden dizziness hit her.

Regina reacted immediately and held her upright. "What did I tell you?"

Emma took a few more deep breaths in and out before looking at Regina again. Her complexion had changed from its now familiar pallor to chalky white within a few seconds. "I was fine, Regina! I refuse to be completely idle unless I have to be!"

"Don't be so upset, Emma," Regina asked anxiously.

"You know what? I can't hear it anymore! Emma don't do this, Emma don't do that. Don't move, don't get upset, don't breathe!" she scolded, hating that she couldn't just walk away, but needed Regina to stay on her feet.

"You're right, okay? I'm being too careful. But you have to admit that sometimes you're not careful enough," Regina met her eyes. "Emma. I don't mean you any harm. Please, please calm down." She was almost in tears by now.

Emma took a few more deep breaths and lowered her forehead to Regina's shoulder. "I can't. I don't know how I'm going to get through this," she whispered.

"Let me take you to the car. You need to lie down," Regina said softly, stroking her back. "Come on. We'll talk about it again, I promise. But for now, you need to rest."

Slowly, Emma raised her head and nodded. She knew Regina was right. She didn't know what to do or feel anymore herself, so she just silently walked with her girlfriend to her car and dropped into the passenger seat. As soon as she fastened her seatbelt, she leaned her head against the window and stared into space.

Regina circled her car and took a seat next to her. She took a breath to say something, but Emma cut her off before she could even make a sound.

"Just drive, please." She sounded tired and frustrated and didn't look at her.

Regina concluded that it was better to let her have her peace for the time being, so she did as she asked. However, since the driving distance was not long, she parked in the driveway just a few minutes later and got out.

Her girlfriend still didn't move, but waited for Regina to come to her and open the car door.

"Do you want me to help you?" the brunette gently wanted to know.

Emma shrugged her shoulders and lowered her eyes to her feet. "I don't know anything anymore, Regina," she finally whispered chokingly. "I don't understand what's going on in my body at all. Why am I fine one moment and the next I'm not?"

Chewing on her lower lip, Regina searched for the right words. "Because you're sick. Your body itself doesn't know what's going on inside it."

"But no one prepared me for this. All along it was 'Don't worry, Emma. You'll feel almost normal during the chemo-free period.'" Gruffly, she shook her head and put a hand to her forehead. "I don't really notice much of that."

"Okay, how about you just ask your doctor about it?" Regina suggested.

Frowning, Emma looked at her. "And what, pray tell, does that make better?"

"Maybe nothing." Regina shrugged. "But maybe she could prescribe you a drug that would take away the side effects. Maybe you wouldn't have to torture yourself so much."

"A lot of maybes," Emma snorted, putting her arm around Regina's neck as she got out, feeling dizzy again.

Concerned, Regina eyed her girlfriend for a while. "Are you okay?" she asked her to make sure she didn't need any extra support.

"Yeah, I'm fine," Emma nodded and started walking towards the house.

Regina walked her to the sofa and then disappeared into the kitchen to cook something for lunch.

Emma just sat there and stared ahead. Once again, the question of how she should put Regina through all of this stole into her mind. She was also afraid that her condition and her blood parameters might have worsened again, after she had been so dizzy all the time, even though she had not had chemo for a few days. Her gaze slid to the doorway that led to the entrance hall, through which the sounds Regina was making in the kitchen resounded. She wanted her to be honest, but if she was already so scared herself, what would Regina's reaction be? Slowly she lowered herself into a lying position and curled up on her side in a fetal position. She wanted to see no more and hear no more, and unless a miracle happened soon, her headache would probably kill her.

"Do you want to eat here?"

Emma felt as if mere minutes had passed since she had closed her eyes. Nevertheless, she opened them again and slowly sat up. "I guess it doesn't count if I say I'm not hungry, does it?" she tried with a half-hearted laugh.

"Just a few bites, okay?" Regina asked, eyeing her with that look Emma could barely stand.

She nodded and braced herself. "I'll join you in the kitchen," she declared as she did so, grasping Regina's helping hand. As she sat in her seat, she looked up at her girlfriend. "Can you bring me a painkiller, please?"

Again Regina gave her her worried look, but nodded wordlessly and went upstairs to the bathroom.

Emma took a deep breath and rested her head on her arms folded on the table until Regina was back and handed her the medicine and a glass of water. "Thank you," she said honestly.

"Anything you want to tell me, Emma?" Regina asked after taking a seat across from her.

"No, I'm still not cheating," Emma said feebly, since the last speech of this kind had amounted to that accusation.

Regina just sat there waiting and didn't elaborate.

Emma sighed and put her hand to her head. Slowly, she turned her gaze to her girlfriend. Her girlfriend who had always been there for her, who had always defended her no matter what she screwed up, and who was always there for her now, no matter if she was yelling at her, hanging over the toilet puking, or so exhausted that she could only hang limply in her arms. "I..." she started softly and broke off again. She didn't know what to say to her; no words could have expressed how grateful she was to have her and how ashamed she was of her mood swings. "I love you so much," she finally just brought out.

Only seconds later, Regina wrapped her arms around Emma's neck with tears in her eyes. She knew she had wanted to tell her something else; the very fact that she said the words out loud instead, which were so rare, showed her how upset she was.

Emma returned the hug and inhaled deeply the smell of Regina's apple shampoo. "I don't want you to have to live like this," she whispered.

Regina leaned back and her dark brown eyes darted back and forth between Emma's green ones. "What do you mean?"

"You deserve better. What if I really do die, Regina? I don't want you to have to watch," she pressed out.

Gruffly, Regina shook her head and put her face in her hands. "Emma Swan, I won't let you die, even if I have to ask the god of the underworld himself to save you!"

Emma laughed briefly and now there were tears in her eyes, too. "You know that this is out of our hands. And that's exactly what I mean. I should be doing better right now without the chemo, but I'm not and that scares the shit out of me. I'm scared that my condition has worsened unnoticed, despite chemo. If it comes to the extreme, you won't be ready to let me go. But you have to. So maybe it would be better if I withdrew now, just in case."

"You're not going to withdraw anywhere!" Regina shrilly stated, who pulled her close again, afraid she would just disappear from her kitchen here and now.

Emma looked up and met her girlfriend's gaze.

"I'm here for you. Always. I don't want you to withdraw. This is your family, okay?" Regina almost whispered.

Emma simply returned her gaze for a long time before hesitantly nodding. "Okay."

For a few more moments Regina looked into her sad green eyes before she stood up and filled two plates with the casserole she had prepared. The portion for Emma was appropriately small, so as not to make her despair at the very sight of the food. "I'm sorry there's nothing more fancy. I have to go shopping tomorrow," she said apologetically as she placed the plates on the table and sat down.

"Fancier?" Emma asked, looking at her in confusion. "You think I'm making demands? Your food is always good, no matter what it is."

Regina gave her a brief smile before sinking her fork into the casserole, which consisted of leftovers from the previous days, and began to eat.

Listlessly and without appetite, Emma pushed the food from one side of the plate to the other, taking a bite now and then, chewing on it for a long time. It was still quite hot and her damaged gums protested at every touch. "What time is Henry coming today?" she wanted to know as a distraction.

"Later than usual, he has a long class today," her girlfriend answered her. Regina wasn't quite ready, but she put her fork aside and tilted her head. "Emma, if you want, we'll go to the hospital. I can understand that you're worried because you don't feel well, so let's just get it cleared up. Your blood test and bone marrow aspiration would be due in three days anyway, so I'm sure they'll be able to do it a little sooner."

But Emma shook her head. "You were at work and because of me you didn't even finish, you still had to bring half of it home with you. I'll just lie down later," she countered.

Regina looked at her for a long time. She knew that everyday life was exhausting Emma, but at the moment she had the impression that she wasn't so tired that she would normally have lain down. She only said that to reassure her and get her out of harm's way. "I don't have to do this anymore today. We can go to the hospital. Or we can stay here and have a nice afternoon, just the way you like it."

Hesitantly, Emma drew circles on the table with her index finger. "Can we go to the hospital tomorrow?" she then asked, finally looking up.

"Of course. You decide," Regina nodded immediately.

Now Emma nodded too and took another fork of the food into her mouth. It had cooled down enough by now that it no longer caused her any pain to chew. When she finally finished her portion, she leaned back and closed her eyes with her hands clasped in front of her stomach. "It tasted good. Thank you for cooking."

While she was already clearing the table, Regina rolled her eyes. "You don't always have to thank me for it. I like making you food, cooking relaxes me," she reminded her, stowing plates and cutlery in the dishwasher. She then fixed a portion for Henry and covered it so he would only have to heat it up later.

Emma's gaze was on her girlfriend and her fluid, almost automated movements as she handled the kitchen. "I've been out in the fresh air today, but... how would you feel about a little more of that? Together?"

Regina looked over at her, a strand of dark hair still hanging in her face from bending over. "If you feel well enough to do it, why not?"

Slowly, Emma nodded. "Just a bit outside the door," she then added, taking a deep breath. She didn't really know why she had made this suggestion. Probably she just wanted to prove to herself as well as Regina that she could do it.

When Regina was done cleaning up, the two women went out into the hallway together to change into their street clothes again before taking a lap around the garden arm in arm.

Taking deep breaths and closing her eyes, Emma once again enjoyed the clear air and snuggled up to her girlfriend. "Regina?" she said after a while.

"Huh?", a questioning murmur came back from her.

"I don't want to celebrate my birthday this year... Just in case you had something planned," the blonde said and sighed. "I guess we won't be able to avoid a dinner with my parents, but otherwise I'm absolutely not in the mood for partying."

Regina was silent for a while. "Don't you want to wait and see how you feel first?"

"I don't have to wait and see. I've only had ten days of chemo, and look at me. My birthday is right before my second cycle and that alone spoils any desire I have to celebrate. I'm not interested in getting pitying stares from all the guests and possibly lying in bed all day while you listen to their well-meaning advice," she sighed and settled down on the garden bench behind the house.

Regina sat with her and stared straight ahead for a while. "People like you. They'll want to congratulate you and celebrate with you," she indicated, slowly turning her head toward her girlfriend.

Emma, however, just shrugged and then shook her head. "It's my birthday, right? I don't have to please everyone else there, just myself."

"Of course," Regina agreed with her, then stared off into space again. "I just want you to be comfortable, and of course I have absolutely nothing against spending a leisurely afternoon with just you and Henry."

Emma forced herself to smile a little and leaned against her. "I only have one wish for my birthday: that I don't cause you any worry."

A short mirthless laugh escaped Regina before she brushed her hair back from her forehead. "As much as I'd love to grant you that wish, I don't think the eventuality of me not worrying about you is going to happen."

"That's what I thought," Emma nodded, taking a deep breath. "Those days are obviously over, unfortunately."

"Don't say that. As soon as you feel better..." But Regina couldn't finish the sentence because Emma interrupted her.

"If I feel better, Regina. Not as soon as. If," she observed sharply, her gaze fixed on her eyes. "I know you're clutching at straws, but I can't. I'm living day to day and it scares me and puts pressure on me when you talk about me getting better or regain my health because we just can't be sure about that." She spoke calmly, just wanting her girlfriend to understand her thoughts. "Can you understand me?"

It took a while before Regina slowly nodded. "I think I can. It's just very hard for me, please try to accept that too."

"Of course." Emma reached for Regina's hands and gently pulled them into her lap. "You know, right now everything is just getting worse. First my breakdown, then the chemo, the nausea, sometimes pain. I just can't act like I'm on the mend."

Regina nodded again and squeezed her hands. "I know," it escaped her in a whisper. "As far as that goes, we just handle the situation differently. Although I must point out that, unlike your mother, I at least remain realistic!" Slowly, she leaned towards her and gave her a gentle kiss on the lips.

A slight smile settled on Emma's features. "And that's why we belong together. We complement each other perfectly."

Regina had to grin in response as well, tucking a strand of Emma's hair behind her ear. "Almost too perfectly sometimes, I'm afraid."

Emma nodded and closed her eyes with relish as Regina's hand grazed her cheek.

The two sat together in silence for a while before it began to get too cold and they went back inside. There Regina made them both some tea, with which they made themselves comfortable on the sofa and snuggled up tightly together under a blanket.

"I didn't think winter would come so quickly after all," Emma quietly said. "Just a few days ago I was jogging in autumn weather and now it won't be long before the first snow falls." Slowly, she shook her head in thought. "It feels so strange. For everyone, life goes on, the earth turns, the year passes, only I seem to stand still and never move."

Regina was silent for a while, gently stroking Emma's arm, lost in thought. "Maybe you feel that way, but it's not true, believe me."

Questioningly, Emma eyed her.

"It feels like you pressed pause. You don't have a job right now and you're living in this bubble where hospital and home are all you have," she slowly explained what she meant. "But you have Henry and me, you participate in our family life, and that's not going to change. We're not going to let you fall by the wayside."

A half-hearted smile pulled up the corners of Emma's mouth, but sadness remained in her eyes. As much as Regina cared for her and as much as she tried to make her daily life easier, Emma's fear of destroying her family with her illness remained.