Hello everyone!
I would like to point out the trigger warnings again at this point. From now on the story will get even harder and since I often describe the reality in the raw, you should bring a lot of strength and tissues to read!
Thanks to all my readers, especially the ones who always review diligently! If someone else still reads along: I'm always happy about one or two lines of feedback; that way you just know that you're not writing for yourself and keep motivated ;-)
Have fun with the FF!
Chapter 23
"If you feel nauseous frequently, you can try another antacid," Heart suggested after Emma reported her symptoms with her hands cramped in her lap.
Emma swallowed and shook her head slightly. "The nausea is lessening and is bearable. I'm concerned about the frequent circulation problems," she admitted, barely audible, her gaze fixed on her hands.
Heart exchanged a quick glance with Regina, who had been sitting silently in the chair next to Emma so far, before looking back at the blonde. "They're most likely a result of your underlying condition, Emma."
"I realize that," she shot back a little sharper than intended, before she closed her eyes briefly. "I'm sorry."
"That's all right. I understand your anxiety. We'll draw blood again today, do the puncture and look at the cell counts, but I'm very optimistic that everything is in reasonable bounds. You see, the chemo cycle is over for now, but of course your body is also struggling with the after effects. And you're still sick. What I'm saying is, you just need to be aware right now that you're not as able-bodied as you normally are," Heart explained calmly.
"I feel stupid," Emma admitted quietly, as Regina's arm slipped reflexively around her waist.
"There's no reason for that at all," the doctor assured her. "You're not the first patient, nor will you be the last, to equate a worsening of her condition with an exacerbation of her disease. I told you when you were discharged that you could contact me at any time and I'm glad you did. That continues to apply. What about pain?"
"Every now and then I have some," Emma admitted. "Headaches mostly, sometimes the stomach and my hands. But with the on-demand medications it's manageable."
"If that changes, please let me know immediately. I'll also give you an additional prescription for Gabapentin, which is an anticonvulsant and should hopefully help with the neuropathic pain," Heart then explained, tearing the slip of paper from her prescription pad to give it to Emma shortly after.
Emma nodded, accepted it, and then leaned slightly into Regina's arm. "Thank you for your effort."
"It's my job," Heart smiled and rose, whereupon Emma and Regina followed suit. "The nurse will draw the blood in the next room and I'll be right in for the puncture. And tomorrow morning you can call for the results."
Again, Emma nodded and thanked her.
"Thank you," Regina said as well, addressing the doctor, before lightly stroking Emma's arm. "I'll wait outside then, okay?"
"Okay." Emma looked her in the eye for a moment, then walked into the adjoining room.
"Ms. Mills?", Heart held Regina back for a moment as she was about to leave the consulting room.
Surprised, the brunette looked up, her hand already on the door handle. "Yes?"
"What I said: I meant it. Emma's behavior is completely normal and understandable," she picked up again part of the conversation they had just had. "I just wanted to ask you if you have the impression that Emma is behaving differently than usual."
Puzzled, Regina looked at the doctor and let go of the door handle. "She has cancer. It would be strange if she acted like everything was the same, don't you think?"
"Of course. I just mean, do you feel like she's extremely changed in character?" she elaborated on her question.
"Maybe just tell me what you're getting at. That would certainly shorten this guessing game," Regina said somewhat impatiently and with a raised brow by now. Anxiously, she straightened her back, a habit she always displayed when she was tense and felt insecure. She was not annoyed by the conversation, which her words might have suggested. Rather, she was afraid Heart would reveal something to her that would bring more negativity for Emma.
"I've come to know Emma as a fun-loving young woman who was ready to take on cancer like a monster threatening her family. She was more concerned about how you and Henry would feel if she told you, rather than fearful for herself. This insecurity she is now exhibiting is new and she clearly sees you as a support she needs to calm herself down. I don't mean to imply that this is a bad thing at all," she quickly added when she saw Regina's face begin to darken. "On the contrary, I'm very glad she has a partner who has her back. I just want to be completely honest with you and fear that Emma is slipping into depression or at least a depressive episode. This is nothing unusual in cancer patients, it's just important to me to recognize such a situation in time to be able to react to it accordingly."
Her initial anger, believing Heart was trying to judge her, faded, leaving Regina unsettled and somewhat perplexed. "You're the doctor. I don't know how to help you there," she finally stated. Just the title 'cancer patient' sent goose bumps down her spine and caused her capacity for thought to fail. Of course, the titling was correct, but the fact that it applied to her beautiful, perfectly imperfect girlfriend was still not fully realizable to her.
"Do you two talk openly about your feelings?" Heart inquired.
Regina nodded slowly. "Yeah, I mean...I guess so. Certainly you don't always tell each other everything right away, but judging by other couples, I'd say we talk a lot."
"That's good," Heart responded. "It's important for Emma to talk to you about how she's feeling. However, it's just as important that you open up to her. Be honest, admit your fears. There is nothing worse than pretending that everything is bouncing off you and your partner knows full well that it's not. She can't be strong for both of you, she just doesn't have enough strength for that right now."
Regina nodded again and straightened her back even further. "If I get the impression she's depressed, I'll let you know," she promised.
"Thank you," the doctor nodded. "Avoid asking her about it directly. Just observe it. I'll give you a flyer that has information about depression."
"Okay. See you soon." Regina could no longer hide how badly she wanted to end this conversation and was aware of it. Quickly, she stuffed the flyer Heart slid across the desk to her in her purse.
The oncologist nodded and returned the farewell.
In the waiting area, Regina dropped into one of the chairs, panting. Cancer and now depression? What else was Emma going to have to deal with? Her gaze slid to the door behind which her girlfriend was currently located and had to admit to herself that it had really become rare for Emma to play her jokes on her. She hadn't stopped entirely, but her attempts to be funny and defuse certain situations with irony were only half-hearted now. Even when Emma was with Henry, she tended to keep quiet and let him talk, but Regina had previously attributed that to a lack of strength.
"Do you need someone to pour your heart out to?" suddenly the woman diagonally across from Regina asked, who was the only other person present in the waiting room.
Completely jolted out of her thoughts, Regina just stared at her uncomprehendingly for a few moments.
She had kind, light blue eyes and dark hair that was already graying at the temples. Her almost translucent pale skin and thin wrists, however, told of a hard battle she had been fighting not just since yesterday. "I'm Loraine," she introduced herself briefly.
Suddenly Regina recognized in her the older lady who had also been sitting in the waiting room when she had first accompanied Emma to the hospital. "Regina... But I... No, thank you," she finally said in confusion, before smoothing her hair in an erratic gesture, although every strand was perfectly in place.
The woman shrugged slightly. "Sometimes it's good to talk about it when you've had bad news delivered."
"I haven't. I'm just waiting for someone here," Regina countered, straightening up bolt upright in her chair. Actually, what she had said wasn't quite true. Although she herself had not learned that she was ill, she had nevertheless received bad news.
Loraine smiled at her sympathetically. "That may be, but this is an oncologist's waiting area and I don't know if it isn't even easier to be affected yourself instead of the person you love," Loraine spoke Regina's thoughts aloud then, too.
"Maybe," Regina replied, sighing, "I don't know." The fact that she would have taken Emma's place without hesitation was not something she would just throw at a complete stranger. Nervously, she played with the strap of her purse. She felt literally pierced by the woman's gaze, although her eyes were merely examining her kindly.
"Just don't forget yourself. Your girlfriend may be the one who got the cancer diagnosis, but you're only human, too."
Regina looked up at her and immediately noticed from the expression on her face that she wasn't trying to lecture her, but seemed genuinely concerned. "I'll try to take it to heart, thank you," she replied nonetheless, relatively coolly. She was having a hard enough time opening up to Emma; as nice as Loraine seemed to be, this conversation made Regina uncomfortable. Even more uncomfortable, however, was the silence that followed. Before she could think about it further, however, or even resume the conversation, the door opened and Emma stepped up to them.
"I'm done," she said, giving Regina a half-smile after nodding her greeting to the unfamiliar woman.
Before Emma had even spoken, Regina jumped up from her seat and came toward her to put an arm around her and give her a kiss on the cheek. "Great, how are you?" she wanted to know quietly.
"I'm fine. I just want to go home, if that's okay," she replied exhaustedly as her head sank slightly against Regina's shoulder.
"Of course, we'll go home," the brunette nodded immediately, stroking her shoulder gently. As they passed, her gaze and Loraine's met again for a moment and her brief encouraging nod almost made Regina burst into tears. "Goodbye, all the best to you," she murmured, then couldn't wait to get back to the car.
"I wish you the same," Loraine nodded.
"Could you please walk a little slower?" Emma, who was already starting to breathe heavily at the pace Regina was setting, demanded while crossing the entrance hall. In addition, her pelvis ached from the bone marrow extraction.
"I'm sorry." Immediately Regina reduced her speed and matched her girlfriend. "You know I hate hospitals. I just wanted to get out of here as fast as I could and was lost in thought."
"Welcome to the club," Emma replied quietly, groaning as she lowered herself into the passenger seat of the Mercedes.
As Regina walked around to the driver's side, she thought about the words she had just said. It was a flash of Emma's irony. But instead of making a joke full of black humor with it, she just sounded bitter and depressed. Regina swallowed past the lump in her throat as she realized Heart was probably right and eased herself behind the wheel. "Do you want me to stop at Granny's and get us something to eat?"
"Sure, why not. Henry will be happy. But you don't have to bring me anything."
Regina's grip on the steering wheel tightened. "Emma..."
"No, don't Emma me. I can't. I don't want to. Okay?" She turned her head toward her and sparkled at her from her green eyes.
At that moment Regina wondered how a single look could reflect exhaustion, anger and frustration all at the same time, but that's exactly how it was. "You don't have to eat anything from Granny, of course. But you have to eat something."
Emma opened her mouth to protest, but Regina shook her head.
"You already haven't eaten breakfast," she continued, looking at her with concern. "Look, I know how you feel, it's just..."
"No, Regina, you don't! You have no idea how I feel, because I don't even know myself!" Tears welled up in her eyes and since she was visibly uncomfortable, she immediately hid her face in her hands.
Regina left her alone and said nothing; she just waited until she had collected herself a bit and was ready to continue speaking.
"I don't know what's wrong with me," Emma finally whispered, raising her eyes only to stare out the windshield across the parking lot, which was currently being walked across by a doctor who had presumably left something in his car. "That's exactly what I was trying to make clear to you yesterday. I don't want to drag you down into this hole I'm sliding into."
"Okay," Regina nodded.
Surprised, Emma turned her gaze on her.
"Okay, because I don't plan on letting you drag me into that hole. I'll stand like an oak at the top edge and hold you so you don't fall any deeper," she said firmly. Seeing Emma try to pull back again in response, she reached for her hand. "I mean it. I'm not going to let you fall. Not today, not tomorrow, and not even if you get worse."
"Let's just go," Emma asked simply, wresting her hand away, not aggressively, but firmly.
Regina nodded and started the Mercedes' engine. As planned, she stopped in front of Granny's and disappeared into the diner for a few minutes to get lunch for herself and Henry. She wasn't going to force Emma to do anything she absolutely didn't want to do, which is why she really didn't buy anything for her.
When they arrived home, Emma immediately got out of the car and walked to the front door, one hand on her aching hip, while Regina was still parking the car. She stripped off only her shoes and jacket before laboriously climbing the stairs, washing her hands in the bathroom, and then curling up in her bed. She had no intention of leaving it until she learned the results of the tests, even though she feared Regina wouldn't let her.
The brunette entered the house shortly after her, and when she couldn't find her anywhere on the lower floor, she climbed upstairs and took a quick peek into the bedroom to make sure everything was okay. She didn't want to disturb her at that moment, however, so she wordlessly leaned the door back on after staring at Emma's back turned toward her and sat down in the living room, where she took a closer look at the flyer Heart had given her. 'Ways out of Depression' was written in thick letters on the front, with an image of two hands holding each other below. Regina snorted briefly as she eyed the photo. If it were that simple, she wouldn't be sitting here now wondering what she had done wrong and how she could have prevented this situation. Frustrated, she flipped open the brochure and was confronted with a flood of information. As she skimmed the list of symptoms that could indicate depression, she found herself immediately matching everything with Emma's behavior. The result of her analysis was devastating and so she preferred to devote herself to the text that would tell her what she could do about it. "Be supportive, understanding and patient?" she read quietly to herself, tossing the flyer onto the coffee table before slumping back against the back of the sofa and pressing her fists against her eyes. So basically, there was nothing she could do that she wasn't already doing. "You're all pulling my leg."
"Who's pulling your leg?"
Regina was so startled that she banged her knee against the tabletop from below, causing the bowl of nuts sitting on top to topple over. "Henry, what are you doing here?" Her heart hammered wildly in her chest as she turned to her son standing in the doorway.
"Sorry, Mom." Visibly embarrassed, he hesitantly approached and gathered up the nuts that had scattered across the table and also partially the floor. "I didn't mean to scare you."
"It's okay." Regina took a deep breath and picked a handful of nuts from her lap. "Why are you home so early?"
"The last two classes were cancelled," he explained, finally sitting down next to her. "I've been here for a while, but you weren't home. Where have you been?" he wanted to know, eyeing his mother intently.
"At the hospital. They took Emma's blood samples and punctured her bone marrow," she explained, crossing her arms in front of her chest.
Henry knew this gesture from an early age, so he knew something was up. "Was this planned?"
"No, but she's been feeling so worn out lately that we wanted to play it safe. And it was scheduled in a few days anyway," Regina returned honestly before looking to the brochure.
Automatically, Henry followed her gaze and before his mother could stop him, he already had the flyer in his hand. "I've been watching this for a while," he then said unexpectedly, looking sadly at Regina from eyes so similar to Emma's.
"What do you mean?"
"Mom... Emma has been withdrawing more and more for days now and has extreme mood swings. Now don't tell me you haven't thought about depression yet," he stated.
Regina eyed her fifteen-year-old son, wondering again when he had grown up so much. "I..." she began, but then paused. Of course she had noticed the changes in Emma. And of course the thought of depression had inevitably crossed her mind. Even Snow had used the word. But she wouldn't have put money on it; after all, Emma was sick and had every reason to feel bad. Besides, depression was like any other bad diagnosis: you knew it existed, but you didn't think you could be affected by it. Until a few weeks ago, she would never have believed that she would have to deal with cancer and now here she was and her life with Emma, which she had longed for for so long, was falling apart.
Although she hadn't said anything else, Henry nodded in understanding at the look on her face. "I know, Mom," he whispered, putting his arm around her so they could snuggle together.
Regina doubted there was anything that could have calmed her more at that moment than being close to her son. "We're not going to let her get any worse, okay?"
"I don't intend to," Henry said, stroking her back. "But I'm worried about you, Mom."
Regina lifted her head and looked at him confused. "About me? Why is that?"
Henry pressed his lips together and looked at her seriously. "You worry so much and of course I understand. I worry about Emma, too. But you can't forget yourself in the process."
"I won't," she assured him, stroking his hair. "Besides, I've got you. You're looking out for me."
With little conviction, Henry eyed her, but finally nodded and stood up. "It smells pretty good in the kitchen. Were you at Granny's?"
Regina nodded and rose as well, a few more nuts falling from the folds of her skirt. "I got lunch for us on the way back. Shall we eat right away?"
"What about Emma?" The fact that his mom was sitting down here alone in the middle of the day usually didn't bode well.
"She's exhausted. We'll let her sleep," Regina quickly replied, overtaking her son, who had stopped so she could reach the kitchen before he did. "She can eat later then."
Hesitantly, Henry cast a quick glance up the stairs before following her into the kitchen and taking a seat at the table. He eyed his mother thoughtfully as she took the burgers out of the paper bag and placed them on two plates. It didn't escape him that the wrapper was empty afterwards, but he said nothing. The way his mother acted spoke volumes. "Do you still have to work today?"
Regina nodded and came to the table with the plates. "I'm lagging behind, I have some accounting to finish," she said, nodding at his food. "Enjoy it."
"You too," Henry replied, picking up the burger but not taking a bite. "Hey, Mom?" he said instead.
Regina looked up, a crumb from the burger stuck in the corner of her mouth.
"Is there anything I can do to help? Do the dishes or vacuum or something?" Henry asked.
Regina put down her burger, wiped her mouth with a napkin, and looked Henry firmly in the eye. "Listen, Henry. You're our son, not a free helper," she said, "I can handle that little bit of housekeeping."
"But..." Henry put in.
"No buts, young man. You want to help me and that's sweet of you. Help me by being there for Emma and making her laugh, okay?" Regina strained for a wry smile and as she picked up her burger again and continued eating, Henry realized that was the end of the subject for her.
