Entry 3: Arnold's Hat

How could I be so selfish?

After making my weekly monument to my beloved, made entirely out of wads of his used gum (comment and you'll be answering to Ol' Betsy), I knew something wasn't right. Something was missing.

I spend practically every waking moment of my life stalking him. How hard could it be getting his hat during the process? I mean, all I had to do was follow him and Geraldo around time like usual.

There they were at the park, trying to fly some stupid kite that football head felt he had improved the aerodynamics of with a couple of spatulas...oh brother! All I felt I had to do was hide nearby and snatch it when he wasn't looking. Not as easy as it sounds.

After having no such luck at the park, I snagged Bob's fishing pole and hid on top of a building to spy on the two geek baits from. When I watched them head for Arnold's, I tossed the pole in his direction, only to be snagged by a truck that pulled me along the top of the building and into a stupid bird cage! Gross!

I sat sulking drenched in bird crap, not knowing what else I could possible do to get by beloved's most prized possession.

"What do I have to do anyway? All I want is the stupid hat? And world domination. But right now just the hat. Is that too much to ask?"

Apparently not, seeing as how moments later, the wind blew it right in front of me. It was like destiny calling!

I raced home to place the final piece on top of my beloved's head.

"It is finished!"

Spinning around the room with my shrine and it's newest piece, I just couldn't help but ummm...express my emotions (again, Ol Betsy is right around the corner).

Later that afternoon, feeling my life was more than complete, I and practically every other kid in the neighborhood heard the Jolly Olly man giving away half his truck. Maybe he was feeding us all treats that were on the verge of expiration.

Whatever his deal was, he was parked in front of my beloved's, where I happened to hear…

"No! I'm never coming out without my hat! Ever! For the rest of my life!"

Guilt ran through me like never before.

"Oh my beloved! What havoc have I brought? Tampering with the laws of nature?"

I didn't waste another moment after that! I raced for my house only to find Miriam (mother of the year) had decided to clean for once in her life and threw out everything in my closet!

Then the stupid garbage truck continues to speed up his driving when it was obvious I needed him to hold up. I mean criminy! I was three feet behind him, waving my arms in desperation! What a moron!

After three hours of digging through garbage, I found the hat! Never having been so full of relief, I marched back towards Arnold's neighborhood with it. The whole walk there I wondered what I would say to him. Should I apologize for taking it, or just tell him I found it laying in the street somewhere?

Fate took care of that for me. As I was rounding the corner of J.J. Sausage's I bumped into my beloved. He wasted no time grabbing it from my hands which I held it safely in.

"Helga! You found my hat!"

"Oh, is that your hat?"

"I can't believe it! Thanks Helga thanks a lot!"

"Hey! Who said you could touch me?!"

"Sorry, I couldn't help it."

"You trying to make me sick or something? Take your stupid hat and get out of here!"

"Okay, thanks again Helga."

"I'll never wash these clothes again!"

And I'm still wearing them now! Again...Ol Betsy awaits.