Entry 4: Helga's Makeover
Criminy! Will this mascara EVER come off? Stupid girl party. Like it's not bad enough girls have to be known for this crap. All the makeup and jewelry and goofy designer clothes. On top of it all, I have to have someone like Princess...Ms. Rhonda Wellington Lloyd (oh brother) reminding everyone how in or out of style they are…
I was sitting in class this morning, preparing my usual spitballs to shoot at football head when Princess starts passing out her 'oh so impressive' invitations.
"One for you...one for you...one for, oh uh sorry Helga."
Like I wanted to attend her dumb party anyway. It's just a bunch of girls pretending to be twenty years older than they are by dressing up in uncomfortable clothes to impress guys not worth going out with? I mean, who taught them the meaning of the word fun anyway?
Anyway, after school Pheebs seems to feel just because she was invited, the polite thing to do would be to humor Princess by making an appearance…
"Well, I know you didn't get an invitation."
"I didn't WANT an invitation."
"But Helga…"
"No go! Go to Rhonda's party and have your little makeovers. It's no snot out of my nose!"
After Pheebs left me, I decided to spend the afternoon playing baseball with the guys. That is, until Blimpo decided to point out allowing me to play put a flaw in their "Boy's Only" plan.
As usual, he was sorry he ever messed with Helga G. Pataki. After making fun of my tomboyish traits depriving me of the chance to be included in Princess' 'perfect' sleepover, I chased his pink butt down the street, listening to him scream for his mommy!
Once his fat self made it home and out of my reach, I past Princess' on the way home to hear her stuck up self doing lame impressions of me. I could have cared less. That is, until I heard Pheebs getting a kick out of it.
I decided I'd show 'em all! I went down to The Corner Store to grab one of their classy, snooty magazines that seem to turn them into what guys can't help but go all gaga over.
After being incredibly embarrassed checking it out thanks to Mrs. Johanson's stupid register not working right, I raced home to read what all the fuss was about.
Expecting some privacy in the bathroom (pttss...that was too much to ask) I began going through Olga's makeup.
"Hmm...am I a fire engine red or a pearly pink?"
"What's going on in there? The door's locked, what are you doing?"
"I'm fine mother! Can't I have a few moments of piece in the bathroom? Criminy!"
Gluing fake nails on, plucking my eyebrow, putting on mascara...how do girls put up with that crap every day?!
When I finally gave into Miriam's nosiness and opened the door, I watched her faint at my appearance. Talk about showing emotional support.
After changing into what I assumed Princess would consider to be an appropriate outfit for her little shindig, I stuffed my bra with cotton balls and headed for the party.
I'm assuming she regretted her jokes the moment she saw me, seeing as how her expression wasn't much better than Miriam's.
"Helga?!"
"Rhonda darling! Great to see ya!"
Having invited myself in, I went to find the other girls just sitting, talking. Like you really needed to be fancy to pull that off?
Everyone told me I looked great. Everyone that is, except for Pheebs. She tried to talk some sense into me, but I wouldn't listen. No one made me feel welcome when I acted like my rough, aggressive self.
After ignoring her little pep talk, I walked into the kitchen to see Rhonda had already given the girls facials. Green slime covered everyone's faces! There she waited for me to join them in their gross activity. I just couldn't do it!
"STOP!"
"What's wrong?"
"I'll tell you what's wrong. This is STUPID! That's what's wrong!"
Princess insisted we needed such a thing to prevent wrinkles, signs of aging and all that other mumbo jumbo crap that senior citizens deal with. How close does she think we are to death anyway?
It turned out to not be the biggest concern of the night when we heard someone at the window. I would have thought Pink boy would have learned his lesson after messing with me at the baseball game earlier that day. Apparently he and the other guys had decided to come back for more.
They thought they could scare us, but with Princess' creepy green paper mache activity, the joke turned out to be on them! We chased them down the street 'til Pink boy at last fell in front of us, where we took him back to Princess' for his own makeover.
I think I got most of this makeup off. I wonder if my eyebrow will end up growing back?
