Entry 11: Das Subway

Public transportation...what a crock!

Making it out alive of an unbearable two hour long movie, we came to find the sun going down on us.

Pheebs calculated and confirmed that being the unemployed little people we are, taking a cab was out of the question.

Standing there, watching the downtown bus pass us by, I listened to Pink boy say…

"We could walk?"

Walk?! How close did he think we lived to the freakin' theater?! Not to mention the possibility of being eaten alive by RATS! Uhhh I hate rats!

Then football head has this bizarre idea to take something no SANE person would attempt after sundown…

"We'll take the subway!"

Well, it was that or walk. Before our feeble minds knew it, we were underground, awaiting our ride.

I stepped into the car with the group and listened to Geraldo re-explain our direction plan until he discovered a flaw in the car he had chosen for us to get on…

"Oh no! We should really be on the F train!"

Little did we know, having to make an extra stop in between our final destination would be the LEAST of our troubles.

After taking my seat, I leaned back in a comfortable position as I admitted to Arnold the subway wasn't such a bad idea. Think before you speak!

No sooner had I said that, the car jolted to a stop and we were slammed against the door. I stood up holding my throbbing head, as I listened to the petrified conductor say "Remain calm."

Can you EVER recall a time someone said 'remain calm' for no reason? If there wasn't a problem to worry about, the train would have been moving! DOI!

It was bad enough. I was surrounded by a bunch of looney passengers more eccentric than Arnold's boarding house neighbors.

I had to listen to some claustrophobic lady try to accomplish her fears by doing breathing exercises over and over…

"Big open spaces! Big open spaces! Big open spaces!"

Then Pink boy decides to give the blind guy at the end of the car a reason to complain every five minutes.

"Stop climbing! You need to take a bath! Quick sucking up all the good air!"

That could drive a person insane! Between the venting, the complaining, and the constant wondering of if OR when we'd ever be getting out of there should occur…. It was hard to keep a stable mind.

"We're all going to starve, get eaten alive by rats, and die! We're all doomed! Doomed! Doomed!"

Hey! I had every right to be a bit edgy bucko!

Of course, I was the one singled out for the cause of everyone's dementia when that tight spaced woman's 'healer' said to Arnold…

"Please! Would you shut your little friend up? She's making us all crazy!"

Pttss...whatever floats his boat.

The lame doctor got his wish when Pink boy's 'friend' sensed chocolate nearby. I went from sobbing to screaming!

"We're all starving and you're holding out on us!"

We ALL were screaming at that point. Those looney passengers chased my friends and I up the poles even after Pink boy had finished the last of the chocolate. Pawing at us like WE were edible? Were they cannibals? Sheesh!

Apparently dog is man's best friend, because the only thing serious enough to stop those freaks was hearing the blind guy's dog wasn't feeling well.

"Hey, there's something wrong with this dog?"

We're supposed to be taking an aptitude test this year. Something tells me Arnold will be scoring veterinarian on it, because football head delivered a set of puppies right there on the train. Wonders never cease.

Just when everyone had gotten back to a sane level, the train started. All we had left to worry about was making it home without any further disruptions. Pttss...of course that was too much to ask for.

"Hang on everybody! I got something to say!"

How could I forget mentioning the fun passenger who seemed to believe we were trespassing on his personal property by riding a public transportation system.

After listening to him whine…

"Get out of my house!"

Over and over, he decides what better way to celebrate the return of his home's power, than by joining hands and singing.

Heck, as sad as it sounds, I was too relieved to care at that point. Here I am, at home, safe, RAT FREE!