Entry 15: False Alarm
Every class has a black sheep, be it because they're clumsy, perfect, or just plain weird.
I sat in class one day during one of Simmons' boring Nutrition lectures, wondering what made this guy think these oh so impressive lessons would never make anyone want to touch a candy bar again, until I head…
RINGGGGGG!
Everyone jumped from their seats and exited the building, quicker than Pink boy heads for the cafeteria when the LUNCH bell goes off. Well, this wasn't the lunch bell. Some wise guy had decided, what better way to end school early than by committing a felony?
"Come back! It's a false alarm!"
Did the old man's voice carry so far across the streets that every kid from school decided to say to themselves…"Oh well in that case, let's get back to class."
Pttss...dream on.
It did happen eventually though, and to one student's sorry dismay, Wartz was ready to unleash his own firey rage.
Of course, he can't let a single day pass without following his precious school constitution booklet, which every genius finds someway to be in clear violation of at some point or another.
According to it, the genius who pulled the prank was given the right to a fair trial. Who exactly was that genius?
"Eugene Horowitz. You have been found guilty for pulling the fire alarm, a most serious offense!"
"But I didn't do it!"
"Now according to the bylaws of this school district, you can only be expelled after being found guilty by a jury of your school peers."
Pttss...yeah, like we were supposed to believe him after all the evidence seen. I was sure we'd be in and out with plenty of time for me to make it to Wrestlemania.
Of course, who do you think had to put a damper on my plan as the votes were being so confidently read…
"Guilty, guilty, and NOT guilty?"
"Helga, these votes are supposed to be confidential."
"Phoebe, quit kidding around and change your vote so we can get out of here. I've got tickets to Wrestlemania."
"Phoebe didn't vote, not guilty. I did."
Says the annoying do gooder little shrimp who just HAS to see the good in everyone. So what happens? We go through the same list of evidence that had already been mentioned (peanut butter, glasses, footprints…only in a much more annoyingly descriptive style).
"The peanut butter was the same style, creamy, as Eugene usually eats. Although he has also enjoyed chunky on occasion."
Peanut butter smeared all over the alarm after the klutz just happened to have eaten a peanut butter sandwich at lunch that day.
"A pair of glasses were found a few feet from the scene of the crime. A few minutes after the fire alarm, the students were allowed to reenter the building. It was at this point the eyeglasses in question were discovered by our own classmate Sid."
Tell me, how many people find the solution to a pair of broken glasses to be taping them as opposed to simply buying themselves a new set? Oh brother.
"Footprints were found leading up to the fire alarm and to a nearby closet. They were of the same size and unusual make of Eugene's distinctive sandals."
Foot prints from some weird sandals only a geek like him would wear. What kind of sandals (let only any shoes for that matter) leave that noticeable of footprints INDOORS?
"A pencil stub with the word WANKYLAND was found outside the broom closet."
I don't know too many geek wads in our class who spend more time chewing on their pencil than they do writing with it? Oh and to top it off, his royal clumsiness was hiding in the broom closet!
Was it enough to bring football head's optimistic thinking down a notch? Pttss what do YOU think?
"I'm still not convinced. Look you guys. I'm not saying Eugene couldn't have done it. I'm just saying I still have reasonable doubt."
So what happens next? I get to sit and listen to football head give an innocent version of his set up story while angrily sitting there, wondering if I was going to miss my favorite wrestler getting beat by Hayton Calhoun.
Then Mr. Dreams Big decides to glue everyone's attention to himself by pointing out there was one piece of evidence that made it impossible for Eugene to have done this. No, not those dorky sandals.
"THE WANKYLAND PENCIL!"
After pointing out Mr. Trips-a-lot's inability to revisit fun land due to his clumsiness, Arnold makes us reconsider the idea that maybe...oh just maybe...he was set up. That the pencil wasn't actually HIS to begin with. Yet, the guy still had the nerve to chew all over it like it was his own personal sandwich?
"OK! OK! I did it! I confess!"
All eyes went to the weirdo (yeah, the weirdo) at the end of the table.
"But why Curly?"
"Mr. Couldn't fit in if his life depended on it" then starts spilling his guts about feeling the need to seek revenge all for lending his pencil to the clumsy kid, just to have it returned looking even worse than it did to begin with. What a loser.
After watching our class' black sheep get his disturbing chuckles in, all eyes went to Arnold, seeing he had once again, solved a problem for us.
Eugene was found innocent and my love yet again delivered another example to add to the list of remarkable deeds he's known for. This world would be lost without his optimistic way of thinking. One day I will find the strength to show him my appreciation for it.
