Entry 16: World Records

Tell me, who woke up one morning and said to themselves…

"That's the biggest bubble I've ever seen anyone blow with their gum. I've got to find a book to publish it in!"

Book of world records? Pttss...who would waste their time trying to be recognized for a trait they know is worthless? I think we both know the answer to that…

I was walking down the street, assuming I'd run into Pheebs eventually, and what do I see? Practically everyone in class gathered on football head's front porch looking at what's said to be the most coveted book on the planet.

"We were just looking at this book of world records!"

After seeing the enthusiasm stretching across my beloved's face as he held the book in his hands, I faked an interest as I snatched it and said

"Give me that! Most fingertip push ups? This isn't a book of records, it's a book of morons!"

Yeah, it would be cool to be recognized for something no one else could do….something normal.

Having felt I was wasting my time staring at that eccentric novel, I motioned for Pheebs to join be at the river.

My negative outlook on this century's most talented artists must have had an effect on the group, because soon football head and tall hair boy were sitting alone with their precious book.

Did my insisting on not bothering to waste their time attempting to be the next big shots work? Pttss...of course not.

Before I knew it, those two had our whole class helping them with their unrealistic dream.

I suppose his subconscious' dream was to create the world's biggest hospital bill considering all the lame stunts he tried…

The highest pyramid of kids. Not that it was a brilliant idea to begin with, but what made those idiots believe sticking Eugene/klutzilla on the bottom would make their dream come true?

Arnold didn't let that cramp his optimistic style however. Next was the longest game of Crack the Whip. Again, why would those losers include the king of fools in such an activity? Their game goes from 'Crack the Whip' to 'Crash and Trip.' Criminy!

Finally, football head decides to put EVERYONE'S coordination skills to the test, by having them all ride on the same bike...and downhill nonetheless!

I wasn't about to participate in any of that nonsense. Instead, I decided to try pulling Arnold's head out of the clouds by knocking some realistic thinking into that overly optimistic dream head of his…

"Look Arnold! Wake up! How many things do you have to fail at? How many windmills have to knock you on your butt before you realize you're just an average kid with a bunch of average friends and you can't do anything better than anybody else?"

Of course, the word can't is not in my beloved's vocabulary. He seems to see it as more of a challenge…

"That's not true Helga. There's lots of things we can do that no one else can!"

Then his royal hopefulness seems to feel a bunch of useless traits our friends possess could somehow combine into something worth being recognized for (let alone appreciated).

Stinko's tightening skills, Pheebs' cooking knowledge, and Geraldo's extra use for a set of car keys. Please, bring in the news cameras.

"We'll cook something!"

"Like what? The world's biggest casserole?"

"No! The world's biggest Pizza Puff!"

Again...I did not care to participate, though I will admit, as usual I admired his determination. The way he never feels the need to consider the down side of a situation. There's always a solution to a problem that occurs. If there was ever a book 'Try, try, and try again' I have a good idea, whose face would be on the cover.

Anyway, before we knew it, football head had the entire neighborhood not only cooking, but donating whatever necessary items were needed for this crazy project.

I gotta say, by the time it was ready to be cooked, even I was starting to get my hopes up. The neighborhood stood and watched the over-sized dish cooking as Arnold went through everything they should have covered aloud…

"I hope we used enough baking soda?"

"150 teaspoons should be plenty."

Was it? Well there's really no telling, seeing as how some moron doesn't know anymore about cooking than he does about test taking.

"Teaspoons? I didn't know it was teaspoons?"

"What did you think TSP stood for?"

The group turned to look at the dork in the cowboy boots as we all listened to him say…

"Uhhh...10 square pounds."

Oh brother! I'm sure you can guess where this is going. After the over-sized Italian dish blew to smithereens, I watched my beloved at last fall to the ground as he listened to Geraldo say…

"Maybe we're not special. Maybe we're not unique. Maybe we'll never break a world record."

I just wanted to shout 'UMM DOI!'

Football head just can't keep his head down however. Seconds later he was racing home to write some letter. For all I knew, he was just trying to avoid cleaning the mess he caused (literally)

Days later, we all saw him running outside with news that we're being put in the book of world records just for attempting to get into it. Pttss...excuse me while I go tell Miriam she can overcome her smoothie obsession if she just attempts to stay away from the blender.

"They say we're the most determined neighborhood they've ever heard of!"

Yeah the reason for being put in there is a bit unorthodox, but thanks to my beloved, I'll go to bed every night from here on out knowing I'm as famous to the world as he is special to my heart. Ohh ~