Entry 28: Helga's Boyfriend

When a kid picks up a toy you had no intention of touching, and it suddenly strikes your interests, do you become jealous?

If you're anything like football head, that would be a no.

I was sitting in the theater one Saturday afternoon when I was suddenly struck with a brilliant idea. Seeing some lame actress try to steal the affections of an actor in the movie by kissing another man made me glance down at my beloved and think…

"Jealous. I need someone to make Arnold jealous. But who's the perfect sap?"

Was he a sap, yes. Perfect for the job, pttss...yeah right. Yeah, I'll blame myself for thinking Stinky ever had a chance of helping me win over Arnold's affections. It's not like any of the guys in the class were worth going out with though!

I had him doing all sorts of loving gestures for me; pulling out my chair, handing me a kleenex, calling me cute nicknames…

Of course, not of it was going to impress someone who had no interest in me to begin with. I wasn't going to give up. I had never let my failed attempts to win Arnold over stop me before. Why give in now?

I had the geek bait take me to the roller rink, only to find out he can't skate. Not that it mattered when football head wasn't willing to look in my direction for even two seconds!

I even went as far as dressing to Princess' level...in public! All it led to was being chased by a swarm of bees across the park. Again, Arnoldo didn't bother to take notice of my existense...and I ran right in front of him!

That was the final straw. I wasn't going to continue blowing my savings on Mr. Fudgeys for a business deal that wasn't doing me squat.

"Stinky this isn't working out! You're fired!"

Well, the moment he couldn't have me...he wanted me. Did that mean I wanted him, uhhh are you ill?

After assuming another of my plans had failed, and shaking off the pain until I could come up with another, I overheard football head having a conversation with geak bait in the hallway…

"You gotta do something about it Arnold."

"Okay. I'll go talk to her."

Of course, my loving heart made me jump for glee at the idea of my beloved actually noticing me. Little did I know, it wasn't in the way I had hoped for.

"Don't ever sneak up on me like that!"

"Sorry, can I talk to you for a second?"

"That depends. Is it about a certain someone. Oh perhaps, someone who likes me?"

"Yeah, how did you know?"

More like, how could I not THINK it was HIM, and that he liked me? I mean criminy! He agreed to meet me at the park to discuss my feelings.

There I waited after school, longing to discuss my years of repressed emotions when who should sneak up on me…

"Oh it's you. Beat it, I'm meeting someone."

"I'm the boy who likes you."

"You?"

"I think we could be good together."

"Look Stinky it's not gonna work. I'm Helga Pataki and you...you're Stinky!"

After blowing him off, I spent another week wondering if I'd ever find a way to win Arnold over. If I'd ever summon the strength to tell him how I really feel about him. Seeing as how no such miracle had occurred within the next week, I once again found myself alone in the theater. At least, I thought I was alone…

"Oh brother! You again? Stinky, how many times do I have to tell you, it's not going to work!"

"But Helga!"

While I would never agree to go out with a loser like him, it was nice being pined over. Heck, why not take advantage of the situation?

"I just can't stand to see you begging anymore. I'll sit with you this once."

Again, I let my emotions get the best of me. No sooner had I gotten comfortable, some even more perfect form of of Lila~ came up to tell me I had stolen her seat. Apparently I was as easy to get over as I was to fall for, when Stinky told me he met Ms. Perfect at the drinking fountain.

I tripped getting out of my seat, feeling like an even bigger loser than I did before starting my little business deal. Not only did Arnold not love me, but I had just been seen as unworthy by one of the biggest dorks in class.

That feeling of defeat was soon overlooked when I took a seat behind football head and tall hair boy. Seeing Arnold sitting so innocently there, enjoying the movie, made it hard for me not to picture myself beside him. As I leaned over to rest my arms on the empty seat next to him, I did my best to refrain from leaning so close as to inhale the sweet scent of his hair. One day my love, it will be me beside you in there.