Entry 32: Helga Blabs It All
I just took an even worse beating than my teeth did this morning. Stupid campfire lasses!
I guess I should start cutting back on the tapioca and chocolate milk, since I can't seem to see the dentist without hearing I need a few fillings.
Sitting in that chair having my teeth drilled was actually the highlight of my day. When that quack doc said to me…
"Would you like to use laughing gas this time?"
I didn't see anything severe happening. What was I supposed to think? 'The dentist may have some sort of mental device that could make me reveal my deepest, darkest secret?!'
"I'll try it. What could happen?"
Of course Mr. PHD wasted no time sending me to Lala land. I sat there with drool pouring down the side of my face, feeling more relaxed than I ever had before. People are known to say some crazy things when they're 'out of it' and I was no exception.
Admitting the satisfaction the gas was bringing to me eventually led to a much deeper confession…
"I'm tellin' ya doc, this Arnold guy has been on my mind morning, noon, and night for the past six years!"
The fact that he heard me reveal my lifelong secret doesn't even bother me when compared to how far the situation led.
"I'll just call that adorable little football head right now and tell him myself!"
What kind of professional allows their patients to make such an inappropriate gesture in their office...and while being under the influence of a mind twisting gas?
Needless to say, no one cared to stop me from helping myself to the nearest phone and leaving a message for my love.
"Arnold it's me Helga, yes Helga G. Pataki. The one who worships you. Day in and day out. Oh my darling, how I love…"
When I finally came to my senses and back to reality, what did I find? Not only myself leaving a humiliating message for my beloved, but that the entire office had gotten a front row viewing of it. Again, did anyone try to stop me? Not unless you consider smiling thoroughly at my performance to be helpful in any way.
After realizing the terrible position I had put myself it, I raced for the boarding house. I had spied on Arnold enough times to know where it was. It was just a matter of getting inside…
"Campfire lass. Perfect!"
I invited the cookie seller with the fake accent to have a word with me in the alley. All she had to do was hand over the hat and sash, and it wouldn't have gotten as ugly as it did. Would she do it? Uhh...Does Bob remember my name?
"Unhand me!"
Hey, like I said, things wouldn't have gotten as ugly as they did if she had just cooperated. It's her own fault.
Having gotten what I felt was a good enough disguise to sneak my way inside Arnold's, I knocked on the door to see his ancestor opening it.
"Hello, what are you supposed to be?"
"What's it look like, I'm a campfire lass!"
Has one never knocked on his door before? He knew they delivered sweet treats, but not what they looked like? Criminy.
All I had to do was get inside. Of course, the old prune decides to make things even easier for me by inviting football head to the front door for some cookies.
I suppose that did make it easier. Had he not looked away, I never would have had the chance to slip inside past him. Unfortunately, just because I made it in didn't mean I knew where the answering machine was.
"A phone! But where is the blasted answering machine?!"
I don't understand how football head manages to deal with all those eccentric boarders. While I was examining the first phone I laid eyes on, one creeped up behind me.
"I don't believe we have met, are you a playmate of Arnold?'
What business was it of his if I was? He may live there, but he has no say in who all is allowed in the stupid building. Not to mention going as far as asking what I was doing using their telephone. I don't recall inviting him to know who was on my 'Call list of the day.'
Well, after 'Mr. English is my second language' left, I noticed the staircase. There had to be another phone up there...one with an answering machine!
Sure enough, I found it. Was it before football head and the rest of the universe decided to make their way up the stairs as well? Pttss...what kind of luck do you think I was born with?
I sat in an air vent, watching half the class toss around Stinky's cheap glider plane. All I can say is, thank goodness for Pheebs! I don't know what I love more about her, her loyalty or reliability.
Those freaks weren't going to leave the hall willingly, so I anxiously made a call to her and had her bribe the Jolly Olly man to make an unplanned stop outside of football head's.
Yeah, I know I owe her quite a bit of cash for that one. I owe her for a lot of things, and yet she never complains. She's always been empathetic when it comes to my emotional struggles.
Anyway, after those immature classmates of mine left the hallway, I lowered my way towards the floor, only to hear granny singing her way down the hall.
"Oh look! A message!"
You can just imagine how quickly my heart was beating when I saw her hit play on the cassette, along with pulling out a pen to write it down. Not as heavily as it was when she stopped Arnold to tell him about it however.
I couldn't bare the thought of listening or watching where it was about to lead to. I knew Arnold didn't feel that way about me. Even the slightest hint I had feelings for him would be enough to bring an enormously perplexed look to his face. What would that overly dramatic message do to him?
After trying to shut the door to the vent, only to have my fingers slammed in between, I listened to granny reveal a message about as accurate as that campfire lass' accent.
"Oh Arnold! Before I forget, there was a message for you! A young lady called."
"Who was it?"
"Oh it was H something..Hel...Helg...gosh it's on the tip of my tongue. Oh yes here it is, Helen of Troy. And Miss Troy wanted to tell you she was selling some sort of passion fruit drink."
I had never felt such relief in my life! Hitting my head on the air vent when I fainted didn't even bother me. I instantly grabbed the cassette before any other crazy encounters with those unorthodox boarders could occur.
"The light at the end of the tunnel! You did it Helga ol' girl! You're home free!"
All I had to do was get through the end of the vent...where a freaking spider just happened to be waiting! Criminy!
My fear was no match for my anger at that point however. I slammed my way through the vent it had decided to spin its web against. Luckily, it opened. I can't imagine how freaked out I'd have been if the vent hadn't opened, and the stupid bug was crawling all over my face. Nadine would have been in paradise...being the twisted freak that she is.
All I had to do was swing my way to the window waiting across the pipe I had come out of. Well, I swung over TO it. Did I make it out? Uhhh….
I flipped out of football head's fancy couch and into his room where half the class was talking. Oddly enough, no one asked what I was doing there? Yeah, they were shocked. If someone you didn't expect to be in your house was there though, would you not feel the need to ask what they were doing there?
Heck, whatever was going through their minds, I wasn't going to stick around and find out. I didn't even care to come up with some crazy excuse as to why I was there. It was just such a relief knowing Arnold never heard the tape.
Yeah, I know the whole purpose of retrieving the tape was to avoid being humiliated, which I failed to accomplish after falling in front of the guys. My secret is safe though!
"Finally I have the tape. Mission accomplished. My nightmare is over!"
Or so I thought…
I turned to hear that crazy sugar merchant ready to chase me down with her gang. I ran screaming four or five blocks, while they threw box after box of chocolate turtles at me. How many bruises did they think I needed? Sheesh!
