Entry 33: Helga VS Big Patty

Even Olga couldn't couldn't fix the wears and tears in this outfit.

I was sitting at lunch, not listening to anything fascinating being discussed until Princess decides to join our table and…

"Hey girls. Isn't that Big Patty over there talking to Arnold?"

Hearing the idea of my beloved interacting with another girl made my heart skip a beat. I quickly turned my head away from my chocolate milk to see them both eyeing the last of the tapioca. If I knew Arnold as well as I thought I did, he was offering to let her take it. I couldn't make it sound as though the idea of him talking to another girl bothered me however…

"Oh she's probably just trying to get his tapioca pudding off his tray! Why would Arnold want to talk to Big Patty? She's not exactly a rocket scientist. Plus she's big, dumb, and ugly. I mean what is she 14, and she's still in the sixth grade."

What started out as a cover for my jealousy turned into me blabbing all day about every possible insulting remark I could think of to fit the older girl.

"If she gets any bigger she could apply for statehood"

"Patty's so big, when she plays king of the hill, she's the hill."

"Patty's so ugly, when she was born, the doctor took one look at her and slapped her mother."

Yeah, I got ahead of myself. Hey, I was just making an observation? It's not like she ever complimented me about anything?

I realized that didn't matter however when she overheard my little entertainment ritual taking place at recess…

"Look you little skeeze...I know you've been making jokes about me all day. Now I'm going to make you pay!"

I can't help but wonder why she let me go on as long as I did if she had been aware of my comedy act all day?

Well, being the muscular girl that she is, she didn't need a reason. I obviously upset her, and was going to be paying the price for it. That is, until a certain someone found it to be his que to step in with his problem solving skills…

"So I heard you're going to fight Big Patty after school."

"Yeah so?"

"So what'd you do to make her so mad?"

"It's no big deal. I just made a few jokes about her being big, and dumb, and ugly."

"Even if that's true, it probably didn't make her feel very good to hear you say all those things."

Whether or not that was true, it wasn't exactly a solution to my problem. Then Mr. Goody Two Shoes felt all I needed to do was apologize.

Umm...a simple apology making up for a day's worth of criticizing? Should I just tell Bob and Miriam their lifetime of crappy parenting skills will be completely overlooked if they remember to pack my lunch just once?

All I could do was try football head's advice. I approached Patty in the library with a matter of hope the size of Arnold's head and a shred of faith the size of his hat.

"So the thing is Patty, I realized you're a human being and you have feelings. I shouldn't have said all those things about you being big, and dumb, and ugly."

While Ms. Muscles was willing to admit how hard it must have be for me to confront her, it wasn't enough to guilt her into letting me off the hook.

What could I do other than spend the rest of the day moping? I don't know why I bothered to buy myself lunch when I was just going to have my stomach ripped to shreds at the end of the day.

Football head found the situation to be as serious as I did upsetting.

"So did you talk to Patty?"

"Yeah I poured my guts out. I groveled and begged and pleaded for mercy."

"So she let you off the hook?"

"Are you kidding? She's going to pound me into mush!"

"What? You mean you apologized and she's still going to beat you up?"

Arnoldo doesn't seem to realize the world isn't full of softies like him. We're not all do gooders who toss problems made by our idiot neighbors over our shoulders like they never happened. A simple apology can't just erase the fact that the whole freakin' school not only heard, but will forever remember harsh remarks pointed out about someone...and someone vindictive nonetheless!

With his inability to acknowledge that little fact of life comes a 'go to attitude' however.

I sat on the playground after school, feeling it was pointless to even be saying my prayers. What could I pray for? Accumulating a set of muscles the size of Pink boy's stomach in the next two seconds?

"Maybe she won't show up. You said it yourself Helga. She's not exactly a rocket scientist."

A speck of hope lit inside of me that was quickly erased when I saw my angry competitor's shadow hanging over me.

Before I could even consider running in the opposite direction, she grabbed my arm to take me to a private area. I was expecting to be thrashed in front of the whole school, like she had announced. My idiot classmates were already gathered around with popcorn and sodas to catch a glimpse at the 'exciting' event. Pttss...what a bunch of dweebs!

When I was dragged into the gym, I didn't know what to do other than stand and prepare myself for the worst. I waited for her to come after me with that set of angry fists I had been mocking her about the past few days. Instead, I watched her abuse whatever she could find in the room that would attempt to make an excruciating noise.

I could only assume she was trying to rattle me by showing me her warm up moves. Like she could possibly petrify me anymore than I already was for crying out loud?!

I could feel my heart pounding as I watched her approach me. Rather than taking a swing at me, she began ripping my clothes bit by bit.

"What are you doing?"

"I gotta make it look good?"

"Make it look good? What are you talking about? Aren't you gonna pound me?"

Once again, the innocent attitude we all mock football head for saved a fellow classmate of his. Apparently, my conceited actions aren't enough to prevent Arnold from seeing through my rough exterior and knowing the reason for my harsh behavior.

It makes me wonder if Patty would have forgiven me if I had been more upfront about the reason behind my cruelties. Eh, probably not.

Just the fact that Arnold stood up for me implied he had deep feelings for me. Although there was no way I was willing to admit my feelings, it does make me wonder why he was so concerned about me? Yeah he's always trying to help people. He's always trying to do the right thing. It's not his fault that I act the way I do though? Why was protecting me so important to him?

Heck, I don't know what's going through his mind anymore than he knows what's going through mind. Although he's ten times more upfront with his feelings than I am, I'll never understand why he's so forgiving when it comes to my actions.

After denying there being any type of connection between him and I, Patty showed she was finished putting the gruesome touches she needed to on me and told me to 'sell it.'

I put on what I considered to be as dramatic of a beating performance as I do a bully performance every day.

Although I didn't confront him about it, I can only hope Arnold knows how grateful and am, and how much his kindness means to us all.