Entry 45: Helga Sleepwalks

Tell me, when it comes to avoiding severe (dark secret revealing) side-effects after eating, is the warning label on the product fair enough, or does it all come down to paying attention in class?

I mean, who in the right mind would become all giddy hearing their teacher say…

Okay class, we're going to continue our exciting lecture on the food chain!

Only a few freaks I know that's for sure!

Apparently the mind and the body have two very different perspectives on how life should be lived when it comes to what you eat.

After somehow making it through another of Simmons' boring Nutrition lectures, I went home to find another displeasing sight.

For crying out loud Miriam, what did you do? Forget to go shopping again?!

Earth to Miriam, there's no food around here!

Ohh yeah, it's actually a really sad story Helga. You see, I left the groceries on top of the car, then started to drive away without remembering them.

Fascinating Miriam, now what am I supposed to eat?!

Well, let's see, there's some of your dad's Pork Rinds?

Surprisingly, the taste makes up for the crappy name. So much so, you don't bother to think about what's in it or what it could lead to.

After finishing what settled my stomach that night, I awoke to breakfast (shockingly), bet not one made by my family…

Here you are lady Eleanor. You must be exhausted from work at the White House!

Grandma, who are you talking to?

Lady Eleanor dear. She just received an important call and jumped out the window.

After waking up in my beloved's kitchen, I was scared as I always was whenever I felt there was a chance of him getting wise to my secret.

Sure I thought about it all day. So much so, I once again ignored Mr. Special's health food snack lecture and ended the night with MY nutritious snack.

Next thing I knew, I was waking up in Arnold's shower!

Okay, how in the world would you feel if you slept walked to another person's house (let alone your secret crush) only to make it look as though you had the right to use their private facilities?

This is crazy! I mean waking up in Arnold's shower? I better get some professional help…

Sleep walking!

Yeah you know sleepwalking! Running around like some kind of mindless zombie robot.

Gosh, how severe is it?

Let's put it this way, I could end up revealing my most intimate guarded secret.

Huh! You mean?

Yes! But let's not talk about it okay. Now what are you going to do to help me out?

I may not always approve of Pheebs' ideas, but her willingness to help is underestimated. I don't thank her enough.

Still not taking Simmons' lecture seriously, I didn't believe her when she offered me a nutritious snack to settle my nerves. Instead, I finished off my bag of what I considered to be MY health food snack.

It's like your mind knows how to avoid trouble when you don't want someone to know. For that reason I walked out the window, as opposed to stepping on Pheebs to get to the door. If it wants to avoid trouble though, why in the heck did it keep sending ME to Arnold's? Criminty!

Luckily, Pheebs not only saved me, but found the source to my problem. Not quick enough to stop me from blurting my guts out on football head's fire escape however.

Once he opened his window after hearing a crash, I had no choice but to come up with some lame excuse as to why we were there…

What's it look like we're doing football head? We're taking a walk.

Taking a walk, on my fire escape?

That's right football head, it's a free country, we can walk wherever we want.

Yes, it was pathetic, but everything half our class does is moronic. Pheebs' then showed me the side effects of my little snack…

Warning side effects may cause in some cases severe sleep walking.

Will that make me start paying attention in class? Pttss… are you kidding? All I have to do is read the freaking labels on something, and quite possibly sue Miriam.