Chapter 33

Regina nervously paced in front of Archie's office door. After her visit to Emma, which had lasted longer than she had originally thought, she had had only a little time left to change before she had to leave again. In her haste, she hadn't taken the car, but instead had poofed herself right outside the doctor's office. Instead of her usual clothing, which served her like an armor - tight cloth pants with a close-fitting blouse and matching dark makeup - this time she had opted for jeans and one of Emma's hoodies, in which she almost disappeared. The basketball team whose name was printed on it meant nothing to her, but it smelled like her girlfriend with a little imagination, and it was comforting to be able to snuggle into it and pretend to herself that Emma was holding her. She was more than glad that at least Henry hadn't been there to make her replay the conversation with Emma right away, as she just wasn't ready to let it get to her completely yet. She was aware that Emma needed that assurance, but it was the most horrible promise Regina had ever had to make, and that was saying something after being forced into a marriage with the king. What gnawed at her much more, however, was the thought that it might come to pass that she would have to keep it and then not be able to.

"Regina, did I miss your knock?" Archie stuck his head out the door, startling the mayor out of her thoughts.

She winced, her hands immediately back on her elbows afterward, as if to protect herself. "I didn't knock," she finally replied with a pale face, absolutely aware of how frightened and unsure she looked while her haunted look wandered over the door and finally the man in front of her.

"Do you still want to come in?" the older man calmly inquired of her. He was in his usual get-up: dark pants, white shirt, dark sweater vest, his light red hair slightly frizzy and a friendly smile on his bespectacled face.

Regina was silent for a moment before nodding hesitantly. "I guess so." Carefully, she pushed past him as he made room for her, then stopped, a little lost, in the middle of the room. Secretly, she gave him a lot of credit for not blatantly eyeing her for her unusual get-up, or even calling her on it.

Pongo lay on his pillow in the corner of the room and raised his head only briefly. When he realized it was merely Regina who had entered, he let it sink back to his paws.

"Feel free to take a seat." Archie gestured to the various seating arrangements and sat down himself only after Regina had chosen the sofa for herself. For a while he watched her wring her hands in her lap and stare at it before addressing her again. "I assume there's a specific reason you're here."

The brunette's head snapped up as if she had forgotten in a split second that she was not alone in the room. The panic in her gaze ebbed as quickly as it had come, however, and she forced herself to loosen her hands from each other and place them beside her on the sofa. "Dr. Whale thinks it would be a good idea for me to see you," she explained, quite her serious self.

"And how do you feel about it yourself?"

She took a deep breath and looked away from him again. Up until a few days ago, she would have answered 'nothing', but by now she wasn't sure of that anymore. "I collapsed a while ago with arrhythmia. No organic cause could be found, which is why they sent me to you with a diagnosis of stress," she skirted his question for now, brushing her hair back from her forehead. "Possibly that diagnosis is not too wrong," she finally admitted.

Archie nodded slowly and gave her a sympathetic look. "Thanks to Henry, it's no longer a secret what exactly is stressing you out. That was very brave of him, by the way."

Regina shrugged. "It was. Even if Emma was rather less enthusiastic about it."

"How is she?" he wanted to know abruptly. "It's been a long time since I last saw her."

Brown eyes met blue ones as Regina tried to gauge if he was just curious, like everyone else, or if he was really trying to learn more to help her. She finally decided it was the latter, because as much as she loathed this whole concept of psychoanalysis, she knew he was trustworthy. "Not good," she whispered, her nervous fingers beginning to knead the fabric of her much-too-long sweater sleeves.

"Is she home right now?" he wanted to know.

Regina shook her head and chewed on her lower lip until she tasted blood. "She's in the hospital. Four more days, actually, but she'll probably be too sick to be released by then."

Archie nodded, stood up and poured out a glass of water, which he set down for Regina. "Are you looking forward to her discharge?"

"Of course I'm looking forward to her discharge, or do you perhaps think I like the fact that my partner is in the hospital and in pain?" she rumbled. By asking this question, she had instantly pulled her guard back up.

"Let me rephrase the question," Archie said calmly, who immediately tried to correct his mistake. "You're looking forward to having Emma back with you, of course. But does it also frighten you? Are you afraid that everything will be too much for you and you won't be able to cope?"

Regina grinded her teeth and looked away from him. It was a question that was hard to admit the answer to anyway, and certainly not after feeling so blindsided. "Whale said you could teach me relaxation techniques. That's why I'm here, for nothing else," she continued to block him out.

"That's right," Archie nodded, tilting his head. "However, I think it's extremely important that we get to the bottom of your feelings and not just deal with the symptoms."

"Don't you start too! I know the reason, I don't need to talk to you about my private affairs!" she hissed and stood up. With her purse in hand, she headed for the door. "I knew beforehand that this would be a waste of time. Precious time I could rather spend with Emma."

"Regina, please wait." Archie had gotten up as well, but paused beside the couch so as not to close the distance between them and invade the comfort zone she had unquestionably just obtained. "You came here today by your own free will. No one forced or urged you. You wanted to come here. If you don't want me to ask you questions, that's fine. You can tell as much as you want yourself."

Regina paused in place, staring back at him. "And what if I don't want to talk at all?"

"That's your decision, too, then." He glanced at his wristwatch. "But we still have 40 minutes, and I think you should at least try. And if you don't want to talk, then we can just sit here together and be silent. It's your choice."

Regina took a deep breath and visibly wrestled with herself. She had consulted Archie in the past, too, when she had felt like she was just walking around numb and feeling nothing. Now her problem was that she was feeling too much at once. She no longer knew what to perceive or do first, and felt that any more sensation added to the mix would cause her to burst. "Fine," she finally whispered and slowly sat back down on the sofa, where she subsequently stared into space.

As promised, Archie didn't say a word. He had his hands folded in front of his stomach and was reading through some documents that were on a small side table next to him before making some notes.

"I'm scared," Regina brought out after about ten minutes. Her gaze flickered briefly and her fingers worked the fabric of her sweater again, but she didn't look away from the nonexistent spot on the opposite wall.

"You can tell more about it if you want," Archie nodded, who lowered his pen and pushed the cap up to it.

Again, it took a while before Regina continued speaking. "I'm afraid of not being a good mother to my son, and of failing in my job as mayor and disappointing the residents again, and that they'll see me as the Evil Queen again. But all that is nothing compared to the fear of losing Emma. The past year has shown me that my heart is not yet completely lost and dark, but that I too can feel happiness. I feel good when she is with me. I..." She swallowed and shook her head slightly. "I don't know how to go on without her. I've never had feelings like this, not even back then with Daniel. And I can't do anything to make her feel better. On the contrary, I watch her deteriorate more and more and curse myself for it, and all I can do is hold her hand."

If Archie was surprised by the sudden talkativeness, he didn't let on. "Then that's exactly what you should tell her."

Puzzled, Regina did look at him now. "Why should I? To make her feel worse? She should be the focus right now, not me."

"That may be, but just because Emma's the one who's sick doesn't mean you're suddenly an uncaring robot. You have needs too, and when they're not met, you feel bad. That then reflects in things like the breakdown," he countered.

"And what do you recommend in that case?", Regina wanted to know rolling her eyes, crossing her arms in front of her chest.

"Is a question allowed?" he asked, having earlier assured her not to ask any questions if she didn't want to.

"You already asked one just now," she answered him with an ironic smile, which he took as indirect permission.

"Have you noticed any changes in yourself? Are you often insecure, do you panic, do you sleep badly?"

Regina raised a brow. "Math may not be my top discipline, but that was more than one question."

"I've noticed little things since you entered my office today," the psychiatrist explained calmly. "Normally, you are known to have an incredibly majestic air. Today, however, you made yourself rather small to avoid confrontation, like a hedgehog curling up when threatened. You're easily distracted, jumpy, and you're constantly fiddling with your clothes."

A sigh escaped Regina before she turned her eyes back to him fully. "So?"

"These are all signs that you're pretty much on the edge mentally, if I may say so. Have you ever had a panic attack? Have you felt like you can't breathe, have your hands tingled uncomfortably, and..."

"Yes, I have," Regina interrupted him when she realized he was trying to explain what the signs of a panic attack were. She took a deep breath and swallowed. "I don't recognize myself anymore. Emma made me strong, but she also makes me vulnerable at the same time. Does that make any sense?"

Archie nodded and crossed his legs. "It definitely makes sense, because that's what love is. It strengthens us and at the same time it's our greatest weakness."

"So, now what? Is it going to be like this forever now?" she asked.

"Not necessarily. As Dr. Whale said, there are various relaxation exercises you can use. And when you say you've had experience with panic attacks, you know the signs in yourself and you can use those techniques before it gets to the extreme," he explained. "Of course, it's not just for panic attacks. There are also breathing exercises you can incorporate into your daily routine when pressure and stress become too extreme. Not everything helps everyone equally well, so we should definitely try different things. I just want to ask you not to throw in the towel right away if any of it doesn't work for you."

Overwhelmed by all the information, Regina closed her eyes and raised a hand to stop him. "This all sounds wonderful, but what if none of it works?"

"We're nowhere near that point yet."

"Maybe so, but you've known me a long time, Hopper. I want to know what happens then. Am I going to walk around like a zombie scared of my own shadow until the end of my days?" Although her choice of words didn't suggest it, she was quite serious about the subject.

"Then drug treatment is also possible," he said.

"More pills? Is that you doctors' answer to everything?" she asked horrified.

"As I said, we're nowhere near that point," he repeated. "I know you're not my biggest fan, but in this case you'll just have to trust me. Can you do that?" Seriously, he looked her in the eye, trying to convey with his gaze that she was not alone and that he would help her if she would just let him.

Regina released her breath in a heavy sigh and finally nodded hesitantly. "Fine with me, let's try."

The two spent the next fifteen minutes with Archie teaching Regina various breathing exercises that she could incorporate into her daily routine, even unnoticed, without those around her necessarily noticing.

"You can use the exercises when you feel restlessness, but also prophylactically, for example in the morning after waking up or in the evening before going to sleep," the psychiatrist explained to her when they reached the end of the session. "Before we meet next time, your homework is to try out which exercises work for you and which don't."

The brunette nodded and reached for her purse. She would never have admitted it, but already the few minutes she had spent following Archie's instructions and consciously focused on her breathing had changed something in her. The headache that had been plaguing her all day had eased, and the constant pressure on her chest that had accompanied her for weeks now had at least lessened somewhat. "Thanks, Hopper," she managed to say as he escorted her to the door, where they said goodbye to each other.

Hands buried in his pants pockets, Archie nodded and patted Pongo's head as he slid between his leg and the door frame. "You can call anytime, even at night."

Lost in thought, Regina looked down at the Dalmatian and tickled him between his ears.

Archie eyed her with a furrowed brow. "Regina?"

"Yes, what?" she almost hissed back.

"Did you hear what I said? I just want to make sure you get through the next few days okay. So if you want to talk to me, you call. And if you wake up in the middle of the night and have a panic attack, you call me too," he instructed her forcefully for the first time that day. While he didn't really get the impression that she might hurt herself if the pressure got too much, after seeing her so nervous that day, which hadn't happened once in the past 33 years, he preferred to be on the safe side.

"Yes, I heard you. It's not like I'm deaf," she replied coldly, withdrawing her hand from Pongo's head to sink it into her coat pocket and stare at the tips of her shoes.

Archie still didn't look entirely convinced, but nodded. "I'll see you in the next few days then, just let me know when it's convenient for you."

This time Regina was the one who nodded before turning on her heel, gripping the strap of her purse tightly and stepping out onto the sidewalk. The cool afternoon air was doing her good, so she decided to walk a few steps instead of poofing again. Her plan was to stop by Snow's place and borrow David's razor. As much as the thought made her stomach clench, she had to agree with Emma: At least this one thing was in her own hands. However, reluctant to let the Charmings in on it ahead of time, she explained to the talkative Snow that she planned to cut Henry's hair and that was why she wanted the electric hair clipper.

"You're welcome to come in, Regina," the black-haired young woman said, who was wearing a pink cardigan over her white shirt.

Regina was slow to shake her head, however. "I don't want to hold you up, and I have a lot of work to do myself. The house is a mess and since I was with Emma this morning, I want to clean this afternoon."

Snow smirked slightly and went into the bathroom. "As if your house is ever messy!" she called out in amusement to Regina, who was waiting at the front door. When she returned and handed her the box with the clipper, she put her hand on Regina's for a moment and looked into her eyes. "How is Emma?"

Uneasily, Regina avoided her gaze. For once, she wasn't annoyed by the questions about Emma, but found the thought of having to tell the worried mother what condition her daughter was in terrifying. Suddenly she felt bad about the white lie with the clipper. "The chemo is getting to her," she replied tersely.

"I was actually planning on going to see her today," Snow admitted. "David is with Neal at his kindergarten friend's house, so I don't have any obligations."

Regina hesitated, catching herself already starting to fiddle with the hem of her clothes again, which made her stop immediately. "Maybe it would be better if you waited until tomorrow to do that. She probably just wants her rest today."

Snow pressed her lips together and crossed her arms in front of her chest. Her pained expression, however, revealed that she wasn't angry at Regina for keeping her away from Emma, but that she took the hint and that her daughter had to be in a pretty bad shape. "Can you please say hello to her when you two speak?" she asked softly.

"Of course." Gently, Regina gave Snow's shoulder a brief encouraging squeeze and then withdrew to the stairs. "Thanks for the clipper. I'll let you know if there's any news." Suddenly, she couldn't wait to leave the house and poof to a place where she was alone and unobserved. Purple mist shrouded her form and when she rematerialized and it cleared, she was standing in the middle of her living room. Regina didn't even bother to take off her coat, but immediately collapsed on the sofa and cried into one of the pillows with her shoulders shaking.