Chapter 34
"Do you really want to do that? You could wait, it's not that bad yet," Regina tried to dissuade Emma the next day from shaving off her hair and possibly regretting it afterwards.
"Of course I don't want to do it, Regina, but what choice do I have?" The blonde sat upright in her bed with the help of the adjustable headboard and shoved another strand of her hair right under her nose, which she had just collected from the pillowcase. "I just want to get it over with and then move on to something else, that's all."
Regina nodded and fell silent. She was tired, having lain awake half the night staring into the darkness. She had only been able to cover the bags under her eyes with makeup with some difficulty.
"Will you help me into the bathroom, please?" Emma asked, rousing her girlfriend from her lethargy. She felt much better that day after her doctor had changed her medication. While she hadn't yet been able to bring herself to eat anything, at least she hadn't thrown up yet and the pain was reduced to a level she could tolerate as long as she lay down and rested a lot. Moreover, in addition to the anti-nausea medication and stronger painkillers, after a richly unpleasant conversation with one of the hospital psychologists that morning, the antidepressants had also been added, about which Emma was anything but enthusiastic. But she wanted to get better, and if Heart felt it was necessary to address the mental health issues as well, she didn't question it. All that just didn't banish the general weakness and dizziness, unfortunately, which was why she had to rely on someone's help whenever she wanted to get up.
"Are you allowed to get up at all?", Regina wanted to know uncertainly.
Emma gave a short laugh. "I have to go to the bathroom once in a while, too?!" she reasoned, sliding laboriously to the edge of the bed. Her joints protested as she let her girlfriend help her to her feet and she didn't quite manage to hold back a short gasp of pain.
Regina eyed her anxiously, one hand on her waist, the other on her shoulder. "I don't think this is a very good idea."
"I'll be fine," Emma whispered, keeping her eyes closed and breathing as slowly and evenly as possible as she leaned against Regina. "Okay," she finally nodded after a few moments, clutching the IV stand that served as extra support as she slowly let herself be led into the small bathroom.
Since there was no way Emma could stand the entire time, Regina placed the shower chair in front of the sink and had her sit down. "Do you need a hand mirror?" she wanted to know tonelessly, since the wall mirror now hung too high and she couldn't see herself.
Emma shook her head, however, and reached for the clipper, whose wire Regina had earlier plugged into the socket. "Don't bother. It's not like there's much that could go wrong," she indicated with an ironic grin, before her gaze softened as she looked up at Regina's petrified expression. Lovingly, she put a hand to her cheek, into which the brunette immediately nestled. "You said it wouldn't bother you... Then why are you so depressed now?" she wanted to know softly.
"It's not the hair itself," Regina countered, sighing. "It's just another visual reminder that you're sick," she admitted, placing her own hand over Emma's as she returned her gaze.
"I know. At least now we'll find out if I have an egghead," she smirked, squeezing Regina's fingers and turning on the razor. Her free hand slid through her long hair one last time, as if to say goodbye, before she placed the shaver head directly to the center of her forehead and pulled it back over her entire head.
Regina held her breath beside her and stiffened as strand after strand of Emma's long, blonde mane fell to the floor, but after a while she relaxed again, noticing that Emma seemed downright liberated.
It wasn't long, however, before the young woman's fingers began to tremble. She had to pause more frequently and rested her arm in her lap to gather new strength.
"May I?" Regina finally asked softly, as the interruptions grew longer and longer. She reached out for the clipper and took it as Emma willingly handed it to her.
While she felt Regina's careful fingers against her skin, almost tenderly turning her head in different directions to remove the remaining hair, Emma closed her eyes and allowed herself to ease a little. Her muscles relaxed again after the effort of holding the machine up all this time, and its steady hum almost made her sleepy. So she literally startled when Regina turned off the device and suddenly there was an oppressive silence in the small room. "So, what does it look like?" she wanted to know in a whisper, raising gaze to her girlfriend.
Regina had tears in her eyes, but at the same time a smile on her lips. "As expected," she replied, "Beautiful."
Emma rolled her eyes and wiped the many hairs from her shoulders and thighs, even if it only removed the coarsest, as they stuck to the chest and back of her top in at least equal amounts. To form an opinion herself, she then propped herself up on the edge of the sink, whereupon Regina additionally reached under her arms and helped her up. When her reflection finally stared back at her, she couldn't get a word out for a while. The missing hair on her head made her eyes look huge in her face, and her sharp jawline and collarbones seemed to protrude even more than they already did since she had lost so much weight. The two silver pendants on her necklace sparkled. Slowly, she turned her head back and forth so she could look at herself from both sides before hesitantly running her hand over her bald head so she could familiarize herself with the new feeling.
"So, what do you think?" Regina finally asked cautiously.
"No egghead," Emma concluded, sinking back into the chair where, breathing heavily, she propped her forearms on her thighs to be able to breathe easier.
"It's time for you to lie back down," Regina decided.
Emma, however, shook her head and raised her eyes. "I need to clean myself up first, I have hair all over me."
"You relax, I'll do it," Regina nodded in response, and it was clear from her tone that she brooked no dissent on the matter. No sooner had she disappeared into the adjoining room than she returned with fresh clothes for Emma.
Emma felt like a puppet who had had her strings cut as Regina undressed her and washed her body with a washcloth, since she could not shower during chemo. She suddenly felt so exhausted that she could barely manage to lift her arms by herself. "You should have called a nurse," she whispered ashamed, looking down at the floor.
"I think this is between you and me," Regina countered, moving the washcloth in gentle circles over Emma's back. When she was dried off again, she dressed her in fresh sweater and sweatpants and gathered up all the hair on the floor that she could catch with her bare fingers. Only then did she help Emma up, who was barely able to stay on her feet as she walked her back to her bed.
She breathed heavily as she lay again and instantly closed her eyes. Aside from the unfamiliar cold feeling on her head, she felt quite comfortable in her fresh clothes and washed from head to toe. "Thank you for helping me," she whispered, running her fingers searchingly over the mattress.
Regina noticed the gesture, took a seat and reached for her hand. "Gladly," she replied, looking closely at Emma's new appearance. Of course, it was an unfamiliar sight, but she hadn't lied to her girlfriend when she told her she was beautiful. While her hair had been a real eye-catcher, the bald head now drew the focus to her high cheekbones, straight nose and expressive eyes. "Are you in pain?", Regina then wanted to know quietly, as Emma's breathing did not calm down significantly.
A shake of the head was the answer and Emma forced herself to open her eyes. "No more than usual. It was just very tiring, I'm... sure it'll be fine in a minute. Just stay with me, please."
Hesitantly, Regina furrowed her brow, but stayed where she was, drawing soothing circles on the back of Emma's hand with her finger. She didn't want to spread alarm, but she was worried quite a bit about her girlfriend still catching her breath so frantically, so she was incredibly glad when the door opened after a quick knock and Nurse Edith entered the room with a cup of soup.
"Lunch, Emma. And don't argue today, it's just a little something!" the older lady announced already at the door. "Ms. Mills," she nodded politely to Regina when she noticed Emma had a visitor, and only then looked at the young woman in the bed. "Oh, I see you've been trying your hand at hairdressing," she smiled, setting down the soup. "You are in the fortunate position that everything suits you."
Emma looked up at her and returned the smile with a tired look.
"I think she strained herself with it, though," Regina interjected worriedly, not taking her eyes off Emma for a second or letting go of her hand.
Edith nodded, having immediately noticed Emma's pathological breathing pattern as well. "We'll try the oxygen again for a while, all right, dear?"
Not really having much of a choice, Emma nodded slowly and had the nasal cannula put on. What did it matter what Regina thought about it anymore? She knew herself how sick she looked, the look in the mirror, which she had always avoided in the last few days, had only confirmed that to her once again. What difference did one tube more or less make? "Thank you, Edith. I'll eat the soup, I promise. Just not now."
The nurse tilted her head, but nodded. "Let me know if you want me to heat it up again."
"Thanks," Emma nodded again, pulling the covers higher to at least cover the catheters in her chest and neck as best she could while the nurse made her way to the next room.
"What does she mean by 'again'?" Regina wanted to know as soon as she heard the door slam shut. "Is something wrong with your lungs?" Immediately, her mind was racing and her thoughts were spinning again, while fear made her forget everything she had ever read about Emma's disease.
"My lungs are fine," Emma returned, rolling her head limply around to face her. "Can't exactly say the same for my blood, though. My red blood cells don't think it's all that funny and made a bolt for it, so my body is constantly undersupplied with oxygen. I'm probably supposed to get a transfusion tomorrow or the day after."
"And that will fix the problem then?" Regina wanted to know hopefully.
Emma laughed bitterly. "Let's just say we'll put it off and come back to it at a later date." All the talking was straining her even more on top of her exhaustion, so she gave in to her eyelids once more as they fell shut.
"Thank you for being honest with me. Now, go to sleep. I love you endlessly." Gently, Regina stroked Emma's head and held her hand tightly until she fell asleep, which was already happening only moments later.
"But you lied, Regina!"
Her mother's indignant words were the first thing to enter Emma's consciousness when she woke up again two hours later. With her eyes still closed, she listened to the conversation which seemed to be boiling up more and more.
"It was a white lie, nothing malicious," the brunette replied, clearly concerned about lowering her voice so as not to wake Emma.
Snow, however, was in such a rage that she didn't care that she was getting louder. "She's my daughter!"
"And she's my girlfriend!" Regina sighed and tried to calm down. "It was something Emma wanted to do. In peace. Alone. Without this... this completely unnecessary drama here."
"I just would have liked to have known. That's all I'm asking for. Just that you don't keep everything a secret from us all the time," Snow countered.
"I'm sure that wasn't their intention, Snow," David interjected carefully.
"Thank you, David!" Regina nodded. "And by the way, what would you have done if you had known? Thrown a farewell party for Emma's hair?"
Emma finally realized what the argument was about in the first place. When she felt the mattress sink down beside her and Regina's perfume wafted up her nose, her hand searched gropingly for her and came to rest on her thigh.
"Hey," the brunette whispered softly, placing her hand over Emma's as she realized she was awake.
"Of course not, but..."
"Emma's awake," Regina interrupted Snow, by now rather annoyed.
"Hi, guys," Emma said softly as she looked at her parents in turn from her barely open eyes.
Tears came to Snow's eyes as she moved closer and pulled Emma into her arms. "Hello, sweetheart."
Emma hugged her in turn and smiled over her shoulder at her father. "Glad you're here," she said, next hugging her dad's chest.
"We would have brought Neal, but..."
"... He's not allowed in, I know," Emma finished the sentence. "That's okay. Give him a kiss from me." She paused for a while as she leaned back and adjusted her headboard up with the remote. Her last trip to the bathroom had taught her not to get up right away, but she didn't want to lie there the whole time while three people stared at her in pity either. "I've been awake for a while, so your conversation hasn't escaped me," she finally began, raising her hand as both Regina and Snow opened their mouths to explain themselves. "Here's the thing: it's just hair and I didn't want to make a big deal out of it. In fact, it's actually the side effect that bothers me the least, because it doesn't hurt or make me sick. And that's why I didn't make a big announcement because I knew that's exactly how you guys would react. They're growing back, okay?"
"Do you want us to look into getting you a wig? There are some really good hairpieces in this land, aren't there? You can't even tell they aren't real" Snow spilled out after all.
Emma immediately shook her head before the topic could get any further out of hand. "That's really sweet of you, but no thanks. It's okay the way it is and after all, there are caps. And now I don't want to hear about it anymore."
Snow looked slightly embarrassed while Regina was pinching the back of her nose with her thumb and forefinger.
"If that's what you want, then of course we'll respect that," David nodded and pulled the two chairs that were at the table over to Emma's bedside so that he and Snow could sit down as well. "How much longer do you have to stay here?"
Emma's face darkened almost imperceptibly. "Officially, three days. At least that's how long the chemo goes on," she said, carefully lifting the tube connected to her catheter. "But I'll probably have to stay a little longer." Her eyes fell on the now-cold soup on her bedside table, and she wondered if she would ever be able to eat again without fear.
"Are your vitals not good?" Snow wanted to know worriedly, reaching for her daughter's hands.
"No, they're fine, don't worry." Emma took a deep breath, only being reminded again of the nasal cannula she still wore. "I mean... I'll probably need a blood transfusion, but that's nothing unusual with leukemia," she corrected herself honestly, seeking Regina's gaze.
The brunette, however, remained silent and stared ahead, but it wasn't escaping Emma's notice that she seemed to be consciously inhaling and exhaling slowly and deeply.
"I brought you some doughnuts. Granny insisted on wrapping you some when I was with her this morning," Snow said in an abrupt change of subject, setting the paper bag down on the table, stains from the greasy pastry already showing through it.
Struggling not to gag immediately, Emma forced herself to smile. "Thank you, that's sweet. Please give her my regards the next time you see her."
"I will," her mother nodded. "Would you like one? I can have the nurses give me a plate and..."
"No, thank you, not at the moment," Emma said quickly, who had to fight hard to keep her stomach from rising at the very thought of the fried dessert whose sugar coating would stick between her teeth.
"Would you guys like some coffee?" Regina asked, "I could get you one from the cafeteria if you want." On the one hand, her thought behind this was to give the parents a few minutes with their daughter without her being there, but on the other hand, she didn't know how long Archie's breathing techniques would work if Snow kept making such dumb suggestions. Next would be the idea of possibly taking a walk in the park.
"I think we probably should get home," David replied before his wife could answer. He sensed that Regina was more tense than usual, and Emma seemed to be taxed from the visit, even though she said nothing of the sort and affirmed that her vitals were all fine. "Ruby is watching Neal, and we don't want this to cost her the whole afternoon."
Emma smirked. "She'll have her hands full with the little whirlwind." Her expression turned wistful as she realized she probably wouldn't be the first to play soccer with him as planned. In fact, if things went really bad for her, she never would.
David nodded and stood up to gently squeeze her shoulder. "Keep a stiff upper lip, Emma."
She nodded and looked to her mother, who also stood up.
"When you get back home, we'll visit with Neal," she said and hugged her goodbye again.
"Okay. And keep your chin up, Mom. They take good care of me here." Her mother had put on her usual good face, but Emma felt she needed to reassure her and protect her from the brutality of the real world.
Snow nodded and gave another quick wave at the door before pulling it shut behind her and David.
"Regina, what's wrong with you?", Emma wanted to know, as soon as the two women were alone again.
"Nothing. What do you mean?"
Emma tilted her head and struggled to sit up fully so she could put her arms around Regina. "You completely dissociated in between times. I was beginning to think your circulation was failing again."
"I was at Archie's yesterday," she blurted out, turning her gaze to Emma before resting her head on her shoulder. "He showed me some exercises to calm me down when I'm in inner turmoil."
"Why were you in inner turmoil just now?" Emma inquired, stroking Regina's hair. She was so unspeakably proud of her for forcing herself to see the psychiatrist.
Regina raised her head and stared at her with a raised eyebrow. "Doughnuts? Honestly?"
Emma chuckled and shrugged. "You know, I'll just let her have her fun. You can give them to Henry, he'll like them. As long as I don't have to eat them, it's all right, isn't it?"
"How ever you like," Regina said unconvinced before she kicked off her shoes, pulled her legs up with her, and leaned against the headboard of the bed next to Emma. Gently, she pulled her girlfriend into her arms so that her head came to rest on her chest.
Emma closed her eyes in pleasure and took a deep breath, fully enjoying the intimate moment that had become rare. "I think it's great that you were seeing Archie," she whispered, "I'm proud of you for bringing yourself to do it."
A smile, hidden behind the mask, was on Regina's lips as her fingers stroked her girlfriend's shaved head and then slid tenderly over the sensitive skin on her neck. "I'm proud of myself, too."
